NFL QBS on FACEBOOK: “PLACE YOUR BETS”

By
Updated: September 16, 2013

NFL-QBs-ON-FACEBOOK-header-image-for-posts-400w

PEYTON MANNING

MAKE WAY FOR THE THREE-TIME “MANNING BOWL” CHAMPION. WOOP WOOP!

RATINGS-HUNGRY CBS NETWORK EXECUTIVES like this

OLIVIA MANNING

Congratulations son!

COOPER MANNING

Way to go Bro!

ARCHIE MANNING

Awesome job, Peyton. THIS IS WHY WE LOVE YOU BEST!

BIG STUPID LOSER

Fudge!!!!! I Can’t BELIEVE I lost that game

BIG STUPID LOSER

WAIT A MINUTE. WHO CHANGED MY FACEBOOK NAME TO “BIG STUPID LOSER?”

PEYTON MANNING

Gosh I don’t know. But I hope whoever did it didn’t lock out all future changes.

BIG STUPID LOSER

DARN IT PEYTON. THAT’S NOT FUNNY!

ARCHIE MANNING

He’s right IT’S FRIGGING HYSTERICAL!

BIG STUPID LOSER

DAD! MAKE HIM CHANGE IT BACK!

ARCHIE MANNING

Not a chance. Only WINNERS get to pick their Facebook names.

ARCHIE MANNING

YOU ON THE OTHER HAND ARE OH-AND-THREE VERSUS YOUR BROTHER. YOUR WHOLE CAREER IS NOTHING BUT DISAPPOINTMENT AND FAILURE!

BIG STUPID LOSER

BUT I HAVE TWO SUPER BOWL RINGS!

PEYTON MANNING

WHOOP-DE-SHIT. Everyone knows that Super bowl wins are nowhere near as important as Manning Bowl victories. That’s why we only play ‘em once every four years!

TOM BRADY

It’s basically the Asshead Olympics.

MATT RYAN

I for one fully support the notion that regular season wins mean more than playoff ones.

MARK SANCHEZ

Well I’m sure all you guys heard the big news this week. The Jets put me on the six-week Injured Reserve list.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE, MOTHERFUCKERS

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Oh goddammit.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE RUSHED FOR TWO TDS VERSUS PUNY 49ERS DEFENSE IN RAINSTORM

MARSHAWN LYNCH

MEANWHILE PUNY 49ERS ONLY SCORE 3 MEASELY POINTS WHILE GETTING MORE SOAKED THAN JAY CUTLER MOTHER IN BUKKAKE CONVENTION

COLIN KAEPERNICK

That loss was BULLSHIT! JUST WAIT UNTIL WE GET YOU SEA-SCHMUCKS AT OUR STADIUM IN DECEMBER!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

YOU THOUGHT THIS GAME WAS LOUD? YOU’LL HEAR MORE SCREAMING AND SCREECHING ON OUR FIELD THAN YOU’VE EVER HEARD BEFORE!

DREW BREES

And that’ll just be from Jim Harbaugh.

PHILIP RIVERS

Hey-ohhh!

TOM BRADY

So, Kaepernick and Wilson. didn’t you two rectal warts have a bet on this game?

ANDY DALTON

The loser was supposed to shave off an eyebrow, right?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

We changed it. Now the loser has to say something nice about Aaron Rodgers

RUSSELL WILSON

Pay up Kap.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Fine.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Aaron Rodgers is really fun to watch when he loses a game in which an officiating mistake contributes to the loss

RUSSELL WILSON

I’ll accept that.

AARON RODGERS

I HOPE BOTH YOU READ OPTION RAT-TURDS CATCH PNEUMONIA OF THE DICK

MARK SANCHEZ

AS I WAS SAYING, the Jets put me on Injured Reserve for six weeks. I assume you guys have something obnoxious to say about that?

AL MICHAELS

Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this Facebook conversation for an important weather bulletin.

AL MICHAELS

The National Weather Service is informing us that due to strong winds, heavy rain, and scattered lightning, we will have to temporarily suspend this convo.

CRIS COLLINSWORTH

A layoff like this is really going to disrupt their rhythm, Al.

E.J. MANUEL

We have rain delays?

MATT SCHAUB

We have rhythm?

AL MICHAELS

Let’s send it up to Dan Patrick, Tony Dungy, and Rodney Harrison in New York to awkwardly fill time while we wait out this storm.

DAN PATRICK

Thank you Al. Coach Dungy, what do you make of the number of weather delays we’ve had here in the first 2 weeks of the NFL season?

TONY DUNGY

It’s clearly a sign from God, Dan.

DAN PATRICK

Interesting. Rodney Harrison, your thoughts?

RODNEY HARRISON

Dungy’s a moron, Dan.

DAN PATRICK

I see. Coach, if these recent extreme weather patterns are, as you say, a sign from God, then what do you think He’s telling us?

TONY DUNGY

Dan, a storm of this magnitude can only mean that God Himself is preparing to unleash three Biblical signs of the apocalypse upon us.

ALEX SMITH

Hey everyone. MY CHIEFS ARE 2-0!

TONY DUNGY

There’s one.

ALEX SMITH

Oh MAN does it feel great being undefeated! Not that you’d know the feeling, Kaepernick. HAHAHAHA.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

LICK FAT-SWEAT FROM ONE OF ANDY REID’S NECKROLLS, SMITH

TONY ROMO

Dammit. * I * wanted to be 2-0!

TOM BRADY

Nice game Romo. Getting an early start on your December collapse to beat the Christmas rush, are we?

TONY ROMO

REAL FRIENDS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MEAN TO EACH OTHER LIKE THIS!

CARSON PALMER

Then it’s a good thing we all hate you.

ALEX SMITH

Well Romo, you lost the game so now you have to pay up on our bet.

PHILIP RIVERS

You guys made a wager too?

ALEX SMITH

Yep. Loser has to pucker up and kiss a big fat pig.

PEYTON MANNING

To be fair, Tony Romo did date Jessica Simpson for like two years.

ALEX SMITH

Okay Romo. I’ll let you off with time already served on this one.

MARK SANCHEZ

SO ANYWAY, I’m on injured reserve for six whole weeks. Man, that sucks.

AARON RODGERS

LISTEN UP DICKPICKLES! GUESS WHO JUST SET THE ALL TIME PACKERS RECORD FOR MOST PASSING YARDS IN A GAME?!

AARON RODGERS

THE DOUBLE-A-BATTERY HERE, THAT’S WHO!

MATT FLYNN

You tied the record Aaron. With me.

BRETT FAVRE

Him?

BART STARR

Seriously?

MATT FLYNN

I’m as surprised as anyone, trust me.

RGIII

DAMMIT! I CAN’T BELIEVE MY REDSKINS ARE 0-2!

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHA. NICE GAME, GRIFFIN. HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET DR. JAMES ANDREWS TO DRAIN THE SUCK FROM YOUR ARM! LOLOLOL

RGIII

I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I THREW FOR 320 YARDS AND 3 TDS!

EDDIE LACY

Really? I don’t remember that

MATT RYAN

That’s because you suffered a concussion in that game, Lacy. A real nasty one too.

RGIII

Don’t sweat it Lacy. From experience I can tell you that concussion symptoms don’t last forever.

EDDIE LACY

How long do they take to fade?

RGIII

How long does what take to fade?

AARON RODGERS

You lost our bet Griffin, so now you have to dog-sit for me in January while we’re in the playoffs

MICHAEL VICK

I’ll do it!

AARON RODGERS

The fuck you will.

RGIII

Hold on a second. What if my Redskins are also in the playoffs in January?

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHAHA. Good one.

AARON RODGERS

So the key is under the cheesehead-shaped mat on the back porch. Don’t forget to express my poodle’s anal glands.

MARK SANCHEZ

Seriously? NO ONE is going to give me shit for being on injured reserve?

JOE FLACCO

HEY EVERYONE, MY WIFE HAD A BABY YESTERDAY!

ALEX SMITH

Wow that’s great news Joe!

CAM NEWTON

Yeah, that’s terrific, Joe. Congratulations!

JOE FLACCO

Thanks guys!

ANDY DALTON

Any idea who the father is?

MATT SCHAUB

It could be any one of us, really.

JOE FLACCO

HAHA. VERY FUNNY, TWATHEADS.

JOE FLACCO

I can’t wait to get to know my son. Gosh, I wonder what his first words will be?

JOE FLACCO'S BABY

Dada, you’re not ee-wite.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

JOE FLACCO’S SON IS USING BABY-TALK TO CLAIM THAT HIS FATHER IS NOT ELITE

TOM BRADY

I like this kid already.

JOE FLACCO

YOUNG MAN, JUST FOR THAT YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS!

PEYTON MANNING

Which will be exactly how long it’ll take for the Ravens to get back to the Super Bowl.

MARK SANCHEZ

WHY IS NO ONE TALKING TO ME?

JOE FLACCO

But you know what’s weird? The baby has a strange birthmark on his forehead

E.J. MANUEL

Is it a 666?

JOE FLACCO

No, An EEE.

TONY DUNGY

My god. IT’S THE ANTI-ELITE

MATT STAFFORD

The anti-what now?

TONY DUNGY

It is He who the Bible tells us will rise to use his heavenly powers of mediocrity to save us from hell on earth.

JOE FLACCO

Man, what a day. I had a son, we beat the Browns, AND I won my bet with Brandon Weeden.

DREW BREES

What was the bet?

JOE FLACCO

Loser has to actually wear a Cleveland Browns jersey. In PUBLIC, for everyone to see.

BRANDON WEEDEN

DAMMIT!

ANDY DALTON

That’s a stupid bet. Weeden already has to wear a Browns jersey anyway.

BRANDON WEEDEN

Don’t remind me.

MARK SANCHEZ

CAN ANYONE SEE WHAT I’M TYPING HERE?

AL MICHAELS

Oh-uh, Folks, it looks like the weather has flared up again. We may have to suspend the convo once more.

CRIS COLLINSWORTH

I think Coach Dungy may be on to something here, Al. This definitely seems to be leading up to another of the three apocalyptic signs.

JOSH FREEMAN

Man, that Saints defense is TOUGH.

TONY DUNGY

SEE? I TOLD YOU!

DREW BREES

WE’RE TWO-AND-OH, PUSSYWILLOWS! And I proved that I can also win during a fierce rainstorm.

JOSH FREEMAN

Too bad there’s no rain strong enough to scrub that hideous splotch from your deformed face.

DREW BREES

OH, DON’T BE A SORE LOSER FREEMAN. Since you lost our game, you have to pay up in OUR bet.

DREW BREES

We agreed that the loser would have to spend one entire day hanging out with Tony Romo.

TONY ROMO

YES! THAT’S SOMETHING THAT REAL FRIENDS DO!

JOSH FREEMAN

NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

CAM NEWTON

ROFL! JOSH FREEMAN AND TONY ROMO HAVE TO GO ON A BRO-DATE!

TONY ROMO

This is gonna be AWESOME Freeman, you’ll see! I’ve got the whole day planned out.

TONY ROMO

First we’ll play mini golf, followed by bumper bowling, and then we'll watch my collection of all the funny Adam Sandler movies.

PEYTON MANNING

All both of them?

JOSH FREEMAN

ROMO, I WOULD RATHER SHOW UP FOR AN OFFICIAL BUCCANEERS TEAM PHOTO SESSION THAN HANG AROUND WITH YOUR DUMB ASS.

MARK SANCHEZ

ANSWER ME. SOMEBODY! ANYBODY!

PHILIP RIVERS

Hey did you guys see my Chargers play Mike Vick and the Eagles yesterday? I THREW FOR OVER 400 YARDS IN THAT GAME!

MICHAEL VICK

ME TOO!

PHILIP RIVERS

PLUS I DIDN’T THROW A SINGLE INTERCEPTION!

MICHAEL VICK

ME NEITHER!

PHILIP RIVERS

AND WE WON THE GAME!

MICHAEL VICK

Fuck.

PHILIP RIVERS

That means you lost our “Cutler’s Mom” bet, Vick.

ALEX SMITH

So does Vick has to have sex with Mrs. Cutler now?

PHILIP RIVERS

Well techincally, we’re both gonna bang her. But now Vick has to pay the bill.

AARON RODGERS

Hey Vick, can you get her to stamp my card? One more and a get a free handjob.

MARK SANCHEZ

My god. Maybe I’m not on injured reserve at all. Maybe I’m actually… DEAD.

ANDREW LUCK

FUCK YOU PEYTON MANNING YOU BIG HEADED MANGALOID! I CAN’T WAIT ‘TIL ME AND MY COLTS COCKSLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AND YOUR WORTHLESS HORSE RADISHES IN A FEW WEEKS!

RGIII

Whoa.

MATT STAFFORD

Yikes

CARSON PALMER

Losing to the Dolphins yesterday seems to have given you an edge, Luck.

PEYTON MANNING

WHAT THE SHIT, LUCK?

ANDREW LUCK

I’m so sorry Mr. Manning, sir, I didn't mean it. Please know that I hold you in nothing but the HIGHEST esteem!

RYAN TANNEHILL

HAHAHHA. That was OUR bet. I told Luck that if my Dolphins whipped his team, he’d have to curse out Peyton Manning. ROFL

PEYTON MANNING

You’re just made a very powerful enemy, Luck.

TOM BRADY

Don’t worry Andrew. Just disguise yourself as an open receiver in the playoffs, and Peyton will pass right over you.

MARK SANCHEZ

That’s it, isn’t it? I’m a ghost, and none of you crotchnazis can see a word I’m saying!

MATT RYAN

BIG WIN AGAINST THE RAMS YESTERDAY, BITCHES. WOOOO!

JAKE LOCKER

So Ryan, did you and Bradford also have a bet on the game?

MATT RYAN

Yep We said the loser had to jam a sharp needle directly into his leg muscles.

SAM BRADFORD

Oh wow. I totally misunderstood you when I did it.

MATT RYAN

You already settled the bet?

SAM BRADFORD

Yep. I impaled a calf 4 inches deep yesterday.

SAM BRADFORD

Boy, was he surprised.

PHILIP RIVERS

OH MY GOD THAT IS SO SICK!

RYAN TANNEHILL

YOU’RE A DISGUSTING PERVERT, BRADFORD!

JOE FLACCO'S BABY

I JUST MADE ROMO IN MY HUGGIES!

MARK SANCHEZ

I AM AN INVISIBLE SPIRIT OF THE NETHER WORLD!

MARK SANCHEZ

I can apparently say whatever I want, and no one can see it!

MARK SANCHEZ

I once tried to fart in the huddle, and accidentally pooped my pants.

MARK SANCHEZ

Sometimes when I can’t find a tissue, I wipe my boogers on my cat’s fur instead.

MARK SANCHEZ

I like to masturbate thinking about Gisele Bündchen having a 3-way with John Madden and the rotting corpse of Al Davis.

DREW BREES

JESUS CHRIST SANCHEZ, YOU SICK BASTARD!

SAM BRADFORD

SERIOUSLY SANCHEZ, YOU NEED THERAPY, YOU TWISTED FREAK!

MARK SANCHEZ

Wait, so you guys can see everything I say?

ANDY DALTON

Of course, dumbass. We were just ignoring you.

TOM BRADY

Yeah, Sanchez. You’re not dead. You’re just irrelevant.

MARK SANCHEZ

THAT’S WORSE!

PEYTON MANNING

Well Eli it’s time to settle up on OUR little bet.

BIG STUPID LOSER

Peyton, no. I CAN’T DO IT.

PEYTON MANNING

Tough titties, broseph. You agreed to the wager, so now you have to actually EAT A SLICE OF PAPA JOHN’S PIZZA

CAM NEWTON

EW, GROSS

RYAN TANNEHILL

THAT’S TAKING THINGS TOO FAR!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE PAPA JOHN’S PIZZA TASTES LIKE ASS, YOU SEE.

YOUR LOCAL PIZZA HUT FRANCHISE like this

BIG STUPID LOSER

Please Peyton, for God’s sake. I’m your brother. You CAN’T make me do that!

PHILIP RIVERS

Wait Peyton, you mean that you don’t actually eat the Papa John’s pizza that you promote?

PEYTON MANNING

Only once. I took a bite of a Meat Lover’s Special back in 2011.

PEYTON MANNING

I gagged so violently I sprained my neck and missed the entire season.

BIG STUPID LOSER

All right, how bad could it be? I’ll just take one little nibble and…

BIG STUPID LOSER

OH MY GOD, IT’S HORRIBLE!

PEYTON MANNING

HAHAHA. HOW DOES YOUR DEFEAT TASTE, ELISHA?

BIG STUPID LOSER

LIKE SATAN HIMSELF JUST TOOK A BIG CHEESY SHIT RIGHT IN MY MOUTH.

PEYTON MANNING

WELL IT’S NOT GETTING ANY LESS RANCID . CHEW IT UP , BIG BOY

PAP JOHN'S CEO JOHN SCHNATTER

I’ll have you know that Papa John’s is one of the fastest growing pizza chains in the nation. Millions of folks eat our tasty food every day!

CRIS COLLINSWORTH

THERE’S NUMBER THREE!

TONY DUNGY

IT’S THE PIZZ-ACOLYPSE FORETOLD IN REVELATIONS!

ANDY DALTON

SAVE US, JOE FLACCO’S BABY!

DREW BREES

ONLY YOUR ANTI-ELITE POWERS CAN RESCUE US FROM THIS FLAVORLESS PEPPERONI HELL!

ProFootballMock

We can probably rule out Papa John’s as a sponsor from this point on.

NFL QBS on FACEBOOK: “PLACE YOUR BETS”