NFL QBs on FACEBOOK: OPPOSITE DAY ’13

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Updated: September 23, 2013

NFL QBS OPPOSITE DAY 13  FEATURED IMAGE 475

JAY CUTLER

Did all you TwatBags see me SPANK ROETHLISCEPTION’S ASS on Sunday Night? HAHAHAHA.

JAY CUTLER

THAT’S THREE WINS, AND ZERO FUCKS GIVEN SO FAR THIS SEASON, BITCHES.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

YOUR JUST LUCKY, JAKE CUTLER. MY STEELERS VERY ALMOST MOUNDED A CUMBACK.

JAY CUTLER

Yes Ben, I know. You did close the gap somewhat in the third quarter.

JAY CUTLER

UNTIL YOU GOT ALL FUMBLEY, THAT IS.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THAT’S NOT FAIR. IF YOU TAKE AWAY THOSE FOUR TURNOVERS I HAD, THEN I DIDN’T HAVE ANY!

JOE FLACCO

Oh man. Pittsburgh is 0-3 on the season? I can’t think of anything much funnier than that.

ELI MANNING

‘Sup?

TONY ROMO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TOM BRADY

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

GENO SMITH

ROFL ROFL ROFL

ANDY DALTON

Manning, you dingus. How do you possibly get beat by Carolina of all teams?

ELI MANNING

SHUT UP!

CAM NEWTON

HAHAHA MANNING. THANKS FOR GIVING US OUR MOST LOPSIDED WIN IN FRANCHISE HISTORY!

TONY ROMO

And you know what they say: wins are like trampolines.

JAKE LOCKER

How so?

TONY ROMO

Eli Manning doesn’t have any trampolines. HAHAHAHAHA.

ELI MANNING

I HATE YOU GUYS!

CAM NEWTON

Seriously Eli, why are you so afraid of scoring? Were you molested by a touchdown once or something?

ELI MANNING

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

JAY CUTLER

Manning, do you realize that you’ve thrown SEVEN picks in the first month of the season so far?

RYAN TANNEHILL

You understand that it’s September, not Intercept-ember, right?

TONY ROMO

LOL

ELI MANNING

THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. CAROLINA ISN’T SUPPOSED TO WIN BY SCORES OF 38-0!

DREW BREES

It is pretty weird, actually.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

I’ll tell you what’s weird. MY NINERS LOST AT HOME TO A ROOKIE QB? THAT IS BULLSHIT

ANDREW LUCK

I’m not a rookie. This is my second season.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

LUCK, I WILL KIDNAP YOU UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS, GRIND YOU UP INTO A MEAT–LIKE PASTE AND FEED YOU TO MY TURTLE JUST LIKE I DID WITH JOE FLACCO’S McDONALD’S MIGHTY WINGS!

JOE FLACCO

So it WAS you! Motherfucker.

ANDREW LUCK

Colin, I just want to say that you’re a terrific QB on a great team. I have a ton of respect for you and I know you’ll bounce back from this loss.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

SHUT YOUR SUCKHOLE LUCK. IF I WANT MY BALLS SLURPED, I’LL GIVE A QUARTER TO CUTLER’S MOM.

JIM HARBAUGH

WAAAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE WE LOST TO THE STUPID COLTS!

JIM HARBAUGH

IT’S NOT FAIR! THE FANS WERE TOO LOUD!

MATT SCHAUB

You were playing in front of your home crowd, Coach Harbaugh.

JIM HARBAUGH

THEN THEY WEREN’T LOUD ENOUGH! WAHHH!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

I just don’t understand. We’re supposed to be the best team in the NFC. ALL THE EXPERTS SAID SO!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

There‘s only one rational explanation for our loss yesterday.

PEYTON MANNING

And that is…?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Today must clearly be OPPOSITE DAY. Again.

PEYTON MANNING

Oh so by “rational” you meant ”shit-headed?”

COLIN KAEPERNICK

THINK ABOUT IT. Cutler is 3-0? The Panthers shut someone out? A rookie beats me in my own stadium?

ANDREW LUCK

I’m not a rookie.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

SHUT UP. The only explanation that makes any sense is that we are experiencing another opposite day.

DREW BREES

That’s ridiculous. You need more proof than that to convince me.

CLEVELAND BROWNS FANS

WHOO-HOO! CLEVELAND ACTUALLY WON A FOOTBALL GAME!

DREW BREES

OH MY GOD, IT’S TRUE!

BRIAN HOYER

WOOF, WOOF MOTHERFUCKERS!

PHILIP RIVERS

Brian Hoyer? Emergency fill-in QB for the Browns?

BRIAN HOYER

That’s HOYER THE DESTROYER to you, Rivers.

BRIAN HOYER

Didja see the way I CURBSTOMPED that Vikings secondary? SUPER BOWL HERE WE COME.

JAY CUTLER

You had a good game Hoyer. But don’t get too far ahead of yourself.

JOE FLACCO

He plays for the Browns. He never gets too far ahead of anyone.

BRIAN HOYER

AND HOW ‘BOUT MY BOY JOSH GORDON? 10 CATCHES FOR 146 YARDS, AND A TD! THIS KID’S GOT ONE HELLUVA BRIGHT FUTURE!

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

We’ll give you a third rounder for him.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

DONE!

ADRIAN PETERSON

CHRISTIAN PLUNGER, YOU LOST THE GAME FOR US AGAIN!

CHRISTIAN PONDER

My name is Ponder. And no I didn’t.

ADRIAN PETERSON

I AM THE GREATEST RB OF OUR GENERATION, PLUNGER! YET HERE I AM TOILING AWAY ON A CRAPPY TEAM THAT CAN’T PUT DECENT TALENT AROUND ME!

BARRY SANDERS sympathizes with this

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Why are you blaming me? Blame the defense that couldn’t stop the likes of Brian Hoyer!

ADIRAN PETERSON

YOU OF ALL LOSERS ARE IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE ANYONE, PONDSCUM, YOU HAMSTER HEARTED COCKGOBLIN!

CHRISTIAN PONDER

My name is Plunger.

CHRISTIAN PONDER

I MEAN PONDER.

BRIAN HOYER

Don’t feel bad Pondscum. Anyone would look bad in comparison to MY 321 YARDS AND 3 TDS!

BRIAN HOYER

SO GET USED TO HEARING THE PHRASE, “SUPERSTAR BROWNS QB BRIAN HOYER!” ‘CAUSE IMMA BE A STAR FOR THE NEXT DECADE, BABY!

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Hey Cleveland. We’ll give you a first round pick for Brian Hoyer

CLEVELAND BROWNS

NO DEAL! MAKE IT A THIRD!

NDIANAPOLIS COLTS

A second

CLEVELAND BROWNS

A FOURTH.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Fine but you have to throw in Joe Thomas and your second rounder next year.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

YOU GOT A DEAL, SUCKER!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE CLEVELAND GOT RAPED IN THE TRENT RICHARDSON TRADE

TONY ROMO

So wait. The Browns are actually AHEAD of the Steelers in the AFC North?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

You see? It’s CLEARLY opposite day!

PEYTON MANNING

Sorry. Still gonna need more proof.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Hey everyone. MY MIAMI DOLPHINS ARE 3-0!

Colin Kaepernick likes this

PEYTON MANNING

HOLY CRAP! OPPOSITE DAY IS REAL!

MATT RYAN

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! How can we lose to the shitty ass Dolphins?

RYAN TANNEHILL

SUCKS TO BE YOU, MATT RYAN. My ‘Fins are one of the hottest teams in the league right now thanks to that vagina-tastic performance of you and your FaLOLOLOLcons.

TONY GONZALEZ

MATT RYAN, YOU BONY FACED BAG OF DOUCHE!

MATT RYAN

Tony, now calm down…

TONY GONZALEZ

THIS IS MY LAST SEASON Ryebread! And I swear, if you don’t get me into the Super Bowl I will shove a football so far up your ass your blood type will be PIGSKIN!

MATT RYAN

I promise Tony. We’ll beat whoever we play next week, I swear.

TOM BRADY

YOU PLAY ME NEXT WEEK, RYAN!

TOM BRADY

So here’s to a good game, and may the best team win.

JAKE LOCKER

Wait, Tom Brady’s actually being a good sport?

CAM NEWTON

OMG! THIS OPPOSITE DAY SHIT IS REAL!

PEYTON MANNING

But how can this be? How can we have opposite day two years in a row?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Clearly, something… or someone… must have upset the delicate space-time-football continuum that binds our universe together.

MICHAEL VICK

Who could possibly be that sinister?

AARON RODGERS

(poof)… AND DIE A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH WILSON!

AARON RODGERS

Hey, cool. It worked.

TONY ROMO

Huh?

MATT SCHAUB

What worked?

AARON RODGERS

What’s today date?

MATT SCHAUB

Sept. 23, 2013.

AARON RODGERS

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!

RUSSELL WILSON

Told you.

AARON RODGERS

I WILL SWING MY FIST AT EXACTLY 88 MILES PER HOUR AND FLUX YOU RIGHT IN YOUR CAPACITOR, WILSON!

CAM NEWTON

Um… Does anyone have any idea what just happened there?

JOE FLACCO

Not a clue.

MATT STAFFORD

Well I have a clue about what happened yesterday.

MATT STAFFORD

MY LIONS WON ON THE ROAD IN WASHINGTON!!!

JAY CUTLER

THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. Prior to Sunday, the Lions were 0-21 on the road against the Redskins over a span of 73 years!

NO SERIOUSLY, they were

COLIN KAEPERNICK

BUT ON OPPOSITE DAY, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

PEYTON MANNING

BLACK CAN BE WHITE!

GENO SMITH

UP CAN BE DOWN!

DREW BREES

JEFF DANIELS CAN WIN AN EMMY AWARD OVER THE CLEARLY SUPERIOR BRYAN CRANSTON!

RGIII

I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS. We won the NFC East last year! HOW CAN WE BE IN LAST PLACE?!

ANDY DALTON

Looks like it’s time to go back to the drawing board, Griffin

JAY CUTLER

He tried. The drawing board sacked him for a 6 yard loss.

TONY ROMO

LOL

RGIII

SHUT UP!

CAM NEWTON

Hey guys, in the interest of being politically correct, I say we stop referring to Griffin’s team as the “Redskins”

CAM NEWTON

And instead we call them “The Washington Bye Weeks”

MATT STAFFORD

LOLOL

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE PLAYING THE REDSKINS IS LIKE BASICALLY HAVING A WEEK OFF!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Listen, making fun of RG-OH-AND-III is fun and all, but I’m still worried you guys aren’t taking this “opposite day” phenomenon seriously enough.

JAKE LOCKER

Well maybe if you had some more concrete evidence of its existence, we might.

JASON GARRETT

WHOO-HOO! I HAVE MY COWBOYS PLAYING, SMART, EFFICIENT FOOTBALL!

JAKE LOCKER

AHHHH! IT’S TRUE

TONY ROMO

What do you jerks have to say to me NOW? I’M ON TOP OF THE NFC EAST!

TONY ROMO

NEXT STOP: SUPER BOWL!

DREW BREES

Romo, the only way you will ever get NEAR a Super Bowl is if you die of cervical cancer, and Dr. James Andrews uses a ligament from your cadaver to repair one of the bolts in Peyton Manning’s neck.

JERRY JONES

SO YOU’RE SAYING THERE’S A CHANCE, THEN?

DeMARCUS WARE

Didja see the way I charged through that crappy Rams O-line like a rhino through a stack of Pringles cans?

DeMARCUS WARE

HAHA SAM BRADFORD. I SACKED YOU TWICE YESTERDAY

JAY CUTLER

That makes Bradford bisacksual

CAM NEWTON

I’m not surprised in the least

SAM BRADFORD

Hey, I think I played pretty good considering I had a buttplug up my ass for the entire game

GENO SMITH

BRADFORD, YOU ARE A TWISTED FREAK!

DREW BREES

Actually that’s not that twisted, by his standards. Usually the things he says are way sicker than that.

SAM BRADFORD

The plug was filled with the ashes of my dead Grandma.

DREW BREES

There it is.

JOE FLACCO

Well I for one remain unconvinced about this “opposite day” nonsense. Things in the NFL aren’t that weird.

ALEX SMITH

HEY COCKNUGGETS! THE UNDEFEATED KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE IN FIRST PLACE IN THE AFC WEST!

JOE FLACCO

OKAY, OKAY, I BELIEVE!

ALEX SMITH

HAHAHA, PEYTON MANNING! How do you like staring up at our Arrowhead ASS from your perch in second place?

PEYTON MANNING

Listen Smith, you worthless spooge stain. You’re only in first place for a few hours, until we beat the Raiders on Monday Night Football.

ALEX SMITH

Making excuses, Peyton? Classic 2nd place move.

RYAN TANNEHILL

This is really getting freaky. What other crazy, mixed up scores does “opposite day” have in store for us?

CAM NEWTON

HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS! The Seahawks beat the Jaguars 45-17!

RYAN TANNEHILL

OMG, THAT… doesn’t sound that surprising, actually.

CAM NEWTON

I don’t think you understand me. THE JAGUARS ACTUALLY SCORED 17 POINTS!

JAKE LOCKER

WHAT?! BUT HOW?

PEYTON MANNING

THAT’S LIKE A FULL MONTH’S PRODUCTION FROM THEIR OFFENSE!

TONY ROMO

OPPOSITE DAY STRIKES AGAIN!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

You think THAT’S weird? I have the ultimate opposite day result for you right here:

COLIN KAEPERNICK

ANDY DALTON OUTPLAYED AARON RODGERS IN A BENGALS VICTORY OVER THE PACKERS!

DREW BREES

Whoa!

JOE FLACCO

Now I KNOW something’s not right with the universe.

ANDY DALTON

HAHA. CRY YOUR CHEESY TEARS OF FAILURE, RODGERS.

ANDY DALTON

YOU CAN JUST CALL ME ADMIRAL ANDREW G. DALTON OF THE S.S. PACKERFUCKER.

AARON RODGERS

EAT A DICK, Dalton. I wasn’t even trying in that game. Because soon, NONE OF THIS WILL MATTER.

MICHAEL VICK

That sounds ominous

AARON RODGERS

LISTEN UP JAGBAGS. Do you know what this week is?

JAY CUTLER

The beginning of Autumn?

RYAN TANNEHILL

Emmy week?

PEYTON MANNING

Romo’s heaviest flow days?

AARON RODGERS

WRONG. Except for the Romo thing.

AARON RODGERS

This week marks the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THAT BOGUS “FAIL MARY” WIN that the replacement refs gifted to the SeaChickens last year.

MATT STAFFORD

So?

AARON RODGERS

SO THINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT! If WE had won that game, WE would have had home field advantage in the playoffs, and WE would have made it to Super Bowl instead of the 49ers, and there would have been no one to stop us from winning the championship!

JOE FLACCO

Um, I would have been there with my Ravens.

AARON RODGERS

That just proves my point.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

So what are you saying, Rodgers?

AARON RODGERS

I’m saying that I HAVE TO GO BACK N TIME AND CHANGE THE RESULT OF THAT SEATTLE GAME.

TONY ROMO

WHAT?!

GENO SMITH

OMG!

DOC BROWN

GREAT SCOTT!

AARON RODGERS

I’ve got it all figured out. I constructed a time machine using a digital watch and one of Bradford’s electronic penis pumps.

AARON RODGERS

Now all I have to do is set my coordinates for, let’s say, one year and one hour in the past. Then I will travel back in time AND REWRITE HISTORY!

AARON RODGERS

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!

RUSSELL WILSON

You could forget to set the “year” dial to 2012?

AARON RODGERS

I HOPE YOU EAT SHIT AND (poof)

NFL QBs on FACEBOOK: OPPOSITE DAY ’13

43 Comments

  1. christopher ryan cox

    September 23, 2013 at 7:38 am

    stop making these before monday night games

  2. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 7:54 am

    ‘Barry Sanders sympathizes with this’. Brilliant as always! Makes my Monday morning every week :)

  3. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 8:06 am

    These are simply the best.

  4. pondbridge

    September 23, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Will the NFL hide the Jaguars’ return tickets when the go to London so they can’t make it back? Giants are easy to figure out; The Producers: the football team.

  5. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I agree with Chris

  6. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 10:56 am

    I’ve been calling the Vikes Q-back Christian Steele.

  7. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    ADMIRAL ANDREW G. DALTON OF THE S.S. PACKERF***ER. Gotta love it.

  8. Keith Brummer

    September 23, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Thanks guys these are great

  9. Jim Hairball

    September 23, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Oh stop your whining christopher ryan cox.

  10. Ryan Coccia

    September 23, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Look forward to these every week almost as much as I do the games!! Keep em coming!

  11. foundrymusic

    September 23, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Wait, how did Wilson go back in time with Rodgers? Is it cause he’s a robot?

  12. blakemp

    September 23, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Brees is right. Cranston got screwed.

  13. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    cam newton asking eli if he was molested by a touchdown lol

  14. Tony Brown

    September 23, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Love these. This is one of the best ones in a while too.

  15. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Awesome job…one suggestion: more Tanny, please!!! Fins are hot…I’m sure he has more to say!

  16. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Well played. As a Packers fan the admiral ss andrew bit even made me laugh

  17. Anonymous

    September 23, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    I think Alex Smith deserves a bit more in these. Yeah KC has a wild card shot at best, but they are pretty hot right now, and they’re going farther than Washington, Pittsburgh, or New York Giants are gonna go.

  18. not me

    September 24, 2013 at 12:05 am

    More Wilson, please. I love seeing Rodgers explode every time he says anything.

  19. Anonymous

    September 24, 2013 at 7:44 am

    need more matt picksix Squab love reading these every monday morning

  20. Anonymous

    September 24, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Awesome…I share these with everyone I know!

  21. Anonymous

    September 24, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    God damn, these are getting longer and more tedious to read through every week.

  22. Anonymous

    September 24, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    Hey you guys a great job writing these. Did you guys know that the bronco’s running backs decided to play rock, paper, scissors to decide who would score a 1-yard td in the fourth quarter. that not even parody of how bad the broncos beat the raiders thought that would be a funny comment on the next QB Facebook you guys do.

  23. #GoogleMyAss (@iLeonD)

    September 24, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    These need to be longer. Not being a snarky dick. I can read these for hours.

  24. Doug

    September 24, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Yeah, do these Tuesday. Awesome as always

  25. Dave

    September 25, 2013 at 5:07 am

    Bradford’s line was hilariously disturbing. You needed Vontae Davis to like it.

  26. Anonymous

    September 25, 2013 at 6:45 am

    I dont understand why you dont put wilson in here more either. Seahawks are hot right now along with some other teams. Bring in some new QBs.

  27. Steppy Jim

    September 25, 2013 at 8:15 am

    God these are brilliant. Never stop making them, or I WILL RIDE AN ELEPHANT TO PROFOOTBALLMOCKS HEADQUARTERS AND MAKE HIM POOP ON EACH OF YOUR CARS!

  28. Anonymous

    September 25, 2013 at 11:17 am

    Kap wasn’t even excited about the Dolphins 3 – 0 start!

  29. Anonymous

    September 25, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    Haha. MMQB and then NFL QB’s on Facebook. Best way to start the week all the time. Rodgers forgot to set the year and jumped in the convo. Classic.

  30. Anonymous

    September 25, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    LOL@ Sam Bradford…

  31. Anonymous

    September 26, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Yep we need more Sam Bradford he is great!

  32. Anonymous

    September 26, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Being a helpless Bucs fan, please make sure Freeman gets his due in next weeks post lol

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  42. Anonymous

    February 1, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    This is a prequel to the newest one

  43. Name

    July 27, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    Plot Hole: How did Wilson travel back with Rodgers? Because he tells him “I told you so” after they go back in time.

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