Did all you TwatBags see me SPANK ROETHLISCEPTION’S ASS on Sunday Night? HAHAHAHA.
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
THAT’S THREE WINS, AND ZERO FUCKS GIVEN SO FAR THIS SEASON, BITCHES.
6 hours ago . Like
YOUR JUST LUCKY, JAKE CUTLER. MY STEELERS VERY ALMOST MOUNDED A CUMBACK.
Yes Ben, I know. You did close the gap somewhat in the third quarter.
UNTIL YOU GOT ALL FUMBLEY, THAT IS.
THAT’S NOT FAIR. IF YOU TAKE AWAY THOSE FOUR TURNOVERS I HAD, THEN I DIDN’T HAVE ANY!
Oh man. Pittsburgh is 0-3 on the season? I can’t think of anything much funnier than that.
ROFL ROFL ROFL
Manning, you dingus. How do you possibly get beat by Carolina of all teams?
HAHAHA MANNING. THANKS FOR GIVING US OUR MOST LOPSIDED WIN IN FRANCHISE HISTORY!
And you know what they say: wins are like trampolines.
Eli Manning doesn’t have any trampolines. HAHAHAHAHA.
I HATE YOU GUYS!
Seriously Eli, why are you so afraid of scoring? Were you molested by a touchdown once or something?
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
Manning, do you realize that you’ve thrown SEVEN picks in the first month of the season so far?
You understand that it’s September, not Intercept-ember, right?
THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. CAROLINA ISN’T SUPPOSED TO WIN BY SCORES OF 38-0!
It is pretty weird, actually.
I’ll tell you what’s weird. MY NINERS LOST AT HOME TO A ROOKIE QB? THAT IS BULLSHIT
I’m not a rookie. This is my second season.
LUCK, I WILL KIDNAP YOU UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS, GRIND YOU UP INTO A MEAT–LIKE PASTE AND FEED YOU TO MY TURTLE JUST LIKE I DID WITH JOE FLACCO’S McDONALD’S MIGHTY WINGS!
So it WAS you! Motherfucker.
Colin, I just want to say that you’re a terrific QB on a great team. I have a ton of respect for you and I know you’ll bounce back from this loss.
SHUT YOUR SUCKHOLE LUCK. IF I WANT MY BALLS SLURPED, I’LL GIVE A QUARTER TO CUTLER’S MOM.
WAAAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE WE LOST TO THE STUPID COLTS!
IT’S NOT FAIR! THE FANS WERE TOO LOUD!
You were playing in front of your home crowd, Coach Harbaugh.
THEN THEY WEREN’T LOUD ENOUGH! WAHHH!
I just don’t understand. We’re supposed to be the best team in the NFC. ALL THE EXPERTS SAID SO!
There‘s only one rational explanation for our loss yesterday.
And that is…?
Today must clearly be OPPOSITE DAY. Again.
Oh so by “rational” you meant ”shit-headed?”
THINK ABOUT IT. Cutler is 3-0? The Panthers shut someone out? A rookie beats me in my own stadium?
I’m not a rookie.
SHUT UP. The only explanation that makes any sense is that we are experiencing another opposite day.
That’s ridiculous. You need more proof than that to convince me.
WHOO-HOO! CLEVELAND ACTUALLY WON A FOOTBALL GAME!
OH MY GOD, IT’S TRUE!
WOOF, WOOF MOTHERFUCKERS!
Brian Hoyer? Emergency fill-in QB for the Browns?
That’s HOYER THE DESTROYER to you, Rivers.
Didja see the way I CURBSTOMPED that Vikings secondary? SUPER BOWL HERE WE COME.
You had a good game Hoyer. But don’t get too far ahead of yourself.
He plays for the Browns. He never gets too far ahead of anyone.
AND HOW ‘BOUT MY BOY JOSH GORDON? 10 CATCHES FOR 146 YARDS, AND A TD! THIS KID’S GOT ONE HELLUVA BRIGHT FUTURE!
We’ll give you a third rounder for him.
CHRISTIAN PLUNGER, YOU LOST THE GAME FOR US AGAIN!
My name is Ponder. And no I didn’t.
I AM THE GREATEST RB OF OUR GENERATION, PLUNGER! YET HERE I AM TOILING AWAY ON A CRAPPY TEAM THAT CAN’T PUT DECENT TALENT AROUND ME!
6 hours ago . Like .
BARRY SANDERS sympathizes with this
Why are you blaming me? Blame the defense that couldn’t stop the likes of Brian Hoyer!
YOU OF ALL LOSERS ARE IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE ANYONE, PONDSCUM, YOU HAMSTER HEARTED COCKGOBLIN!
My name is Plunger.
I MEAN PONDER.
Don’t feel bad Pondscum. Anyone would look bad in comparison to MY 321 YARDS AND 3 TDS!
SO GET USED TO HEARING THE PHRASE, “SUPERSTAR BROWNS QB BRIAN HOYER!” ‘CAUSE IMMA BE A STAR FOR THE NEXT DECADE, BABY!
Hey Cleveland. We’ll give you a first round pick for Brian Hoyer
NO DEAL! MAKE IT A THIRD!
Fine but you have to throw in Joe Thomas and your second rounder next year.
YOU GOT A DEAL, SUCKER!
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE CLEVELAND GOT RAPED IN THE TRENT RICHARDSON TRADE
So wait. The Browns are actually AHEAD of the Steelers in the AFC North?
5 hours ago . Like
You see? It’s CLEARLY opposite day!
Sorry. Still gonna need more proof.
Hey everyone. MY MIAMI DOLPHINS ARE 3-0!
5 hours ago . Like .
Colin Kaepernick likes this
HOLY CRAP! OPPOSITE DAY IS REAL!
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! How can we lose to the shitty ass Dolphins?
SUCKS TO BE YOU, MATT RYAN. My ‘Fins are one of the hottest teams in the league right now thanks to that vagina-tastic performance of you and your FaLOLOLOLcons.
MATT RYAN, YOU BONY FACED BAG OF DOUCHE!
Tony, now calm down…
THIS IS MY LAST SEASON Ryebread! And I swear, if you don’t get me into the Super Bowl I will shove a football so far up your ass your blood type will be PIGSKIN!
I promise Tony. We’ll beat whoever we play next week, I swear.
YOU PLAY ME NEXT WEEK, RYAN!
So here’s to a good game, and may the best team win.
Wait, Tom Brady’s actually being a good sport?
OMG! THIS OPPOSITE DAY SHIT IS REAL!
But how can this be? How can we have opposite day two years in a row?
Clearly, something… or someone… must have upset the delicate space-time-football continuum that binds our universe together.
Who could possibly be that sinister?
(poof)… AND DIE A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH WILSON!
4 hours ago . Like
Hey, cool. It worked.
What’s today date?
Sept. 23, 2013.
I WILL SWING MY FIST AT EXACTLY 88 MILES PER HOUR AND FLUX YOU RIGHT IN YOUR CAPACITOR, WILSON!
Um… Does anyone have any idea what just happened there?
Not a clue.
Well I have a clue about what happened yesterday.
MY LIONS WON ON THE ROAD IN WASHINGTON!!!
THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. Prior to Sunday, the Lions were 0-21 on the road against the Redskins over a span of 73 years!
4 hours ago . Like .
NO SERIOUSLY, they were
BUT ON OPPOSITE DAY, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
BLACK CAN BE WHITE!
UP CAN BE DOWN!
JEFF DANIELS CAN WIN AN EMMY AWARD OVER THE CLEARLY SUPERIOR BRYAN CRANSTON!
I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS. We won the NFC East last year! HOW CAN WE BE IN LAST PLACE?!
Looks like it’s time to go back to the drawing board, Griffin
He tried. The drawing board sacked him for a 6 yard loss.
Hey guys, in the interest of being politically correct, I say we stop referring to Griffin’s team as the “Redskins”
And instead we call them “The Washington Bye Weeks”
BECAUSE PLAYING THE REDSKINS IS LIKE BASICALLY HAVING A WEEK OFF!
Listen, making fun of RG-OH-AND-III is fun and all, but I’m still worried you guys aren’t taking this “opposite day” phenomenon seriously enough.
Well maybe if you had some more concrete evidence of its existence, we might.
WHOO-HOO! I HAVE MY COWBOYS PLAYING, SMART, EFFICIENT FOOTBALL!
AHHHH! IT’S TRUE
What do you jerks have to say to me NOW? I’M ON TOP OF THE NFC EAST!
NEXT STOP: SUPER BOWL!
Romo, the only way you will ever get NEAR a Super Bowl is if you die of cervical cancer, and Dr. James Andrews uses a ligament from your cadaver to repair one of the bolts in Peyton Manning’s neck.
SO YOU’RE SAYING THERE’S A CHANCE, THEN?
Didja see the way I charged through that crappy Rams O-line like a rhino through a stack of Pringles cans?
HAHA SAM BRADFORD. I SACKED YOU TWICE YESTERDAY
That makes Bradford bisacksual
I’m not surprised in the least
Hey, I think I played pretty good considering I had a buttplug up my ass for the entire game
BRADFORD, YOU ARE A TWISTED FREAK!
Actually that’s not that twisted, by his standards. Usually the things he says are way sicker than that.
The plug was filled with the ashes of my dead Grandma.
There it is.
Well I for one remain unconvinced about this “opposite day” nonsense. Things in the NFL aren’t that weird.
HEY COCKNUGGETS! THE UNDEFEATED KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE IN FIRST PLACE IN THE AFC WEST!
OKAY, OKAY, I BELIEVE!
HAHAHA, PEYTON MANNING! How do you like staring up at our Arrowhead ASS from your perch in second place?
Listen Smith, you worthless spooge stain. You’re only in first place for a few hours, until we beat the Raiders on Monday Night Football.
Making excuses, Peyton? Classic 2nd place move.
This is really getting freaky. What other crazy, mixed up scores does “opposite day” have in store for us?
HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS! The Seahawks beat the Jaguars 45-17!
OMG, THAT… doesn’t sound that surprising, actually.
I don’t think you understand me. THE JAGUARS ACTUALLY SCORED 17 POINTS!
WHAT?! BUT HOW?
THAT’S LIKE A FULL MONTH’S PRODUCTION FROM THEIR OFFENSE!
OPPOSITE DAY STRIKES AGAIN!
You think THAT’S weird? I have the ultimate opposite day result for you right here:
3 hours ago . Like
ANDY DALTON OUTPLAYED AARON RODGERS IN A BENGALS VICTORY OVER THE PACKERS!
Now I KNOW something’s not right with the universe.
HAHA. CRY YOUR CHEESY TEARS OF FAILURE, RODGERS.
YOU CAN JUST CALL ME ADMIRAL ANDREW G. DALTON OF THE S.S. PACKERFUCKER.
EAT A DICK, Dalton. I wasn’t even trying in that game. Because soon, NONE OF THIS WILL MATTER.
That sounds ominous
LISTEN UP JAGBAGS. Do you know what this week is?
The beginning of Autumn?
Romo’s heaviest flow days?
WRONG. Except for the Romo thing.
This week marks the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THAT BOGUS “FAIL MARY” WIN that the replacement refs gifted to the SeaChickens last year.
SO THINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT! If WE had won that game, WE would have had home field advantage in the playoffs, and WE would have made it to Super Bowl instead of the 49ers, and there would have been no one to stop us from winning the championship!
Um, I would have been there with my Ravens.
That just proves my point.
So what are you saying, Rodgers?
I’m saying that I HAVE TO GO BACK N TIME AND CHANGE THE RESULT OF THAT SEATTLE GAME.
I’ve got it all figured out. I constructed a time machine using a digital watch and one of Bradford’s electronic penis pumps.
Now all I have to do is set my coordinates for, let’s say, one year and one hour in the past. Then I will travel back in time AND REWRITE HISTORY!
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!
You could forget to set the “year” dial to 2012?
I HOPE YOU EAT SHIT AND (poof)
christopher ryan cox
September 23, 2013 at 7:38 am
stop making these before monday night games
September 23, 2013 at 7:54 am
‘Barry Sanders sympathizes with this’. Brilliant as always! Makes my Monday morning every week
September 23, 2013 at 8:06 am
These are simply the best.
September 23, 2013 at 8:14 am
Will the NFL hide the Jaguars’ return tickets when the go to London so they can’t make it back? Giants are easy to figure out; The Producers: the football team.
September 23, 2013 at 10:45 am
I agree with Chris
September 23, 2013 at 10:56 am
I’ve been calling the Vikes Q-back Christian Steele.
September 23, 2013 at 1:21 pm
ADMIRAL ANDREW G. DALTON OF THE S.S. PACKERF***ER. Gotta love it.
September 23, 2013 at 1:48 pm
Thanks guys these are great
September 23, 2013 at 2:13 pm
Oh stop your whining christopher ryan cox.
September 23, 2013 at 3:15 pm
Look forward to these every week almost as much as I do the games!! Keep em coming!
September 23, 2013 at 4:12 pm
Wait, how did Wilson go back in time with Rodgers? Is it cause he’s a robot?
September 23, 2013 at 4:28 pm
Brees is right. Cranston got screwed.
September 23, 2013 at 5:01 pm
cam newton asking eli if he was molested by a touchdown lol
September 23, 2013 at 5:28 pm
Love these. This is one of the best ones in a while too.
September 23, 2013 at 9:19 pm
Awesome job…one suggestion: more Tanny, please!!! Fins are hot…I’m sure he has more to say!
September 23, 2013 at 10:23 pm
Well played. As a Packers fan the admiral ss andrew bit even made me laugh
September 23, 2013 at 10:40 pm
I think Alex Smith deserves a bit more in these. Yeah KC has a wild card shot at best, but they are pretty hot right now, and they’re going farther than Washington, Pittsburgh, or New York Giants are gonna go.
September 24, 2013 at 12:05 am
More Wilson, please. I love seeing Rodgers explode every time he says anything.
September 24, 2013 at 7:44 am
need more matt picksix Squab love reading these every monday morning
September 24, 2013 at 8:24 am
Awesome…I share these with everyone I know!
September 24, 2013 at 7:39 pm
God damn, these are getting longer and more tedious to read through every week.
September 24, 2013 at 8:17 pm
Hey you guys a great job writing these. Did you guys know that the bronco’s running backs decided to play rock, paper, scissors to decide who would score a 1-yard td in the fourth quarter. that not even parody of how bad the broncos beat the raiders thought that would be a funny comment on the next QB Facebook you guys do.
September 24, 2013 at 8:18 pm
These need to be longer. Not being a snarky dick. I can read these for hours.
September 24, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Yeah, do these Tuesday. Awesome as always
September 25, 2013 at 5:07 am
Bradford’s line was hilariously disturbing. You needed Vontae Davis to like it.
September 25, 2013 at 6:45 am
I dont understand why you dont put wilson in here more either. Seahawks are hot right now along with some other teams. Bring in some new QBs.
September 25, 2013 at 8:15 am
God these are brilliant. Never stop making them, or I WILL RIDE AN ELEPHANT TO PROFOOTBALLMOCKS HEADQUARTERS AND MAKE HIM POOP ON EACH OF YOUR CARS!
September 25, 2013 at 11:17 am
Kap wasn’t even excited about the Dolphins 3 – 0 start!
September 25, 2013 at 12:18 pm
Haha. MMQB and then NFL QB’s on Facebook. Best way to start the week all the time. Rodgers forgot to set the year and jumped in the convo. Classic.
September 25, 2013 at 3:05 pm
LOL@ Sam Bradford…
September 26, 2013 at 7:49 am
Yep we need more Sam Bradford he is great!
September 26, 2013 at 3:30 pm
Being a helpless Bucs fan, please make sure Freeman gets his due in next weeks post lol
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