All right, listen up ladies. Time for me to hand out some MIDSEASON AWARDS
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours go
Midseason what now?
6 hours go . Like
It’s when I give out trophies to the best QB’s in the league to place on their Denver area mantels while the crappiest players get nothing but shame to take back to Dallas, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland
Yes, but what gives YOU the right to decide who gets what award?
Are you new? I’m PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING. The NFL only exists because I allow it to.
YOU’LL TAKE WHAT AWARDS I GIVE YOU AND LIKE IT.
Well I for one welcome the chance to receive some LONG OVERDUE recognition for my Super Bowl win. Bring on my award.
Calm your tits, Flacco. First up is ME, as the obvious winner of the 2013 Midseason MVP award.
You can’t name yourself MVP. That’s a clear conflict of interest.
YOUR FACE IS A CONFLICT OF FAILURE AND UGLY
Anyway, let’s move on to the “Biggest Disappointment of the Year” award.
Here it comes, Eli Manning. Brace yourself.
Actually, it’s you Alex Smith.
ME?! I’M 9-0!!!!
WRONG, CHIEF THROWS-AT-GROUND. Andy Reid and the KC defense are 9-0.
You on the other hand do nothing but hand off to Jamaal Charles and occasionally use all your might to throw those 12 yard bombs of yours.
6 hours go . Like .
Dwayne Bowe agrees with this
HE CAN’T THROW VERY FAR, YOU SEE.
I can think of one QB who showed off quite a strong arm yesterday.
NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY, FOLES
Manning, I’ll have you know that what makes me a great QB is knowing how to support my teammates in their efforts.
Okay fine. Then you get the Award for “Best Performance By An Athletic Supporter.”
LIKE A JOCKSTRAP.
Just wait, Manning. In two weeks, you’ll see that my arm is plenty strong enough to DONKEYPUNCH your Broncos in prime time.
Alex Smith, quit strutting around like you’re some Super Bowl MVP or something. You’re as useless out there as Joe Flacco.
YOU TAKE THAT BACK, RODGERS
YOU GUYS DO REALIZE THAT I AM A SUPER BOWL MVP, RIGHT?
FLACCO, HUSH. Elite QBs are talking.
Hey, have you flea-flickers heard all the so-called “experts” lately saying that a once-elite QB with multiple Super Bowl rings is looking like he’s passed his prime?
Well that QB is Ben Roethlisberger, and those experts are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. LOLOLOL.
SHUT UP TOM BRADY. THE ONLY REASON YOUR PATRIOTS BEAT MY STEELERS IS BECAUSE YOU SCORED MORE POINTS THAN WE DID.
Well argued, Ben.
Roethlisberger, now that your Steelers are 2-6, I’m giving you the “Porn Starlet of the Year” award. Since it seems you get your ass reamed on a weekly basis now.
A TROPHY FOR ME? COOL! CAN I SEX WITH IT?
Sure you can. Since when do you ask for consent anyway?
WHAT A DAY I HAD YESTERDAY! I threw for 432 yards, had 4 TD’s, and even went ONE-FOR-ONE IN HI-FIVES! WHOOO
Look dorkier, Brady.
Be soulless-ier, Dalton.
And now, the award for “Player Who Should’ve Retired Five Years Ago” goes to Brandon Weeden
BUT I’M ONLY IN MY 2ND SEASON!
So wait, Cleveland beat Baltimore yesterday? For real?
Yep. “Original Recipe Browns” actually beat “New and Improved Browns” for the first time since, 2007.
HAHAHA. HOW’S IT FEEL BALTIMORE? NOW WE’RE THE YOUNG, RISING TEAM WHILE YOU’RE FADING FAST!
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN WE BECOME THE DOMINANT TEAM IN THE AFC NORTH?
No biggie. We’ll just steal your franchise and rename them again.
YOU SHUT YOUR COLLECTVE WHORE MOUTHS RIGHT NOW.
And you know who sucks now? Joe Flacco.
DAMMIT. We’re just having trouble shaking our post-championship funk.
HOW LONG DOES THIS SUPER BOWL HANGOVER LAST, ANYWAY?
We’re at 29 years and counting now.
Well you know when the last time was that I got beat by my brother Rob? NINETEEN-NINETY-NEVER! HAHAHA!
5 hours ago . Like
EAT A SMALL, SENSIBLY PORTIONED MEAL OF LOW-CARB RAT POISON, REX.
Hey Rob. Didja like the taste of that 26-20 DEFEAT McMUFFIN MY JETS SHOVED DOWN YOUR SAINTS THROATS YESTERDAY? I BEAT YOU AGAIN, JUST LIKE ALWAYS
THE ONLY THING YOU CAN BEAT ME IN IS A “GETTING A LAME-ASS TATTOO OF YOUR WIFE WEARING A MARK SANCHEZ JERSEY” COMPETITION.
5 hours ago . Like .
REX RYAN actually has this on his arm.
EAT SHIT, FATASS!
FUCK YOU, FOOTFREAK!
DAMMIT! I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT GENO SMITH BEAT ME.
Don’t feel bad. Geno Smith has this weird, “win-every-other-week” trend going.
The Jets look like crap in even numbered weeks, then they play great in odd numbered weeks.
So they should lose this week?
No, we have a bye this week. Nothing bad can happen to us during a bye.
You’d be surprised.
This seems like an appropriate time to present the coveted “Rookie of the Year” award.
Thank you Peyton. I’m honored to receive this, and I’d like to thank my teammates, my coaches, Mark Sanchez for setting the Jets QB bar so low…
NOT YOU, ROOKTARD.
After careful consideration, The “Rookie of the Year” award goes to Peyton Fucking Manning, Esq.
How can YOU win the Rookie of the Year award?
YOU’VE BEEN IN THE LEAGUE FOR LIKE A BILLION YEARS.
I know. But every year, I wait for a new QB to come along who can compare to my massive talent. No one has yet. So I keep winning all the ROY awards.
Um, I can think of someone who can compare to you in at least ONE stat…
LALALALA NOT LISTENING.
So what award do I get then?
Well let’s see. You’re third in the league in picks. So I’ll give you the trophy for “Miss Interceptaverse."
NO FAIR. That award should go to your stupid brother. He leads the league in picks.
Nope. Eli‘s getting the “Long Con” of the year award.
Fine, I’ll bite. Why?
Because no Manning could possibly throw as many INTs as he has unless he’s running some scam.
So clearly, this entire year is just him playing crappy on purpose so he can win next year’s Comeback Player of the Year award.
Huh? Oh, right. That’s EXACTLY what I’m doing.
I have an award for you too, Christian Poundstone.
4 hours ago . Like
You are the “Most Dispensable Player of the Year”
Did you mean indispensable?
I meant what I said.
HE’S SAYING YOU’RE THE DEAD WEIGHT ON YOUR OTHERWISE MILDY TALENTED FOOTBALL TEAM.
Don’t blame Christian PingPong. It’s not his fault he got steamrolled by my Cowboys during ROMO-VEMBER.
No one cares what that means.
WELL SINCE YOU ASKED, my 22-4 lifetime November record is the BEST IN NFL HISTORY
Which is why I refer to this month as “Romo-vember,” you see?
Which is usually immediately followed on the Cowboys calendar by the frosty month of “De-slump-ber”
Make bad puns if you want, but my victory over the Vikes yesterday proves my point.
I threw a game winning TD pass. In the final minute. Of a real NFL game! ROMO-VEMBER!
You barely eked out an ugly victory against a 1-7 team in your home stadium
WHY CAN’T YOU GUYS GIVE ME A SHRED OF CREDIT? I TRY SO HARD TO BE THE BEST I CAN! WHY IS EVERYONE SO MEAN TO ME?
Aaaaand the Tony Award for “Best Drama Queen” goes to Romo
Well if you have an award for “Best Overtime Win Over Philip Rivers and the Chargers,” I feel like I’m a shoo-in to win.
WE WUZ ROBBED!
We scored the game winning TD with seconds left in regulation, and the refs TOOK IT AWAY.
SUCK IT RIVERS. The refs made the right call.
That ball was three inches short of the end zone. Or, roughly twice the length of your dick.
I, on the other hand, put my ‘Skins in position to win the game via a 4 yard TD run. Which is roughly half the size of MY dick.
ROBERT GRIFFIN IS CLAIMING TO HAVE A TWENTY-FOUR FOOT PENIS.
Rivers, for consistently underachieving and finding new and creative ways to lose time and time again, you get a Grammy Award for “Same Old Song and Dance”
You could just call that the “Romo Award” for short.
Hey do you guys mind if I get a word in edgewise here?
I got an award in edgewise once.
You did what, now?
I won an award.
Then I fit it into my anus. Edgewise.
THAT IS REPULSIVE
AND THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR BLEEECHHHHH GOES TO….
Um, as I was saying, I’d like to congratulate the Texans for a great game, and also send best wishes to coach Gary Kubiak for a speedy recovery
Hear, hear. And also, we all hope you’re back on your feet soon, coach John Fox!
Amen. And while we’re at it, get well soon, Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano!
Greg Schiano isn’t sick
Well his team certainly is allergic to leading in a football game.
BECAUSE HIS TEAM KEEPS LOSING CLOSE GAMES IN THE FINAL MINUTES.
Luck, for your annoyingly chipper attitude, you get the Nobel Putz Prize.
Thank you, Mr. Manning. I’d like to thank all my fellow QBs for …
SHUT UP. I have an award for you too, Matt Schaub.
Keep it. It’s just going to be some lame “Pick-6” or “Getting Benched” trophy.
No, actually you win the “Comeback Player of the Year” award.
Yes. Because most of your passes come back the other way for touchdowns. HAHAHAHA.
GET PEPPERONI POISONING, MANNING
I’d like to talk about my thing now please.
HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT HIS PENIS
What? No. I mean my personality thing.
All you guys have “things.” Since I’ve electrified the Houston fan base and seized the Texans starting job, I deserve a thing too
Fine. Your thing is “guy who sits alone and watches the playoffs from his mother's basement.”
Hey. That’s MY thing!
BEAST MODE, MOTHERFUCKERS.
3 hours ago . Like
BEAST MODE LAUGH WHEN PUNY BUCCANEERS BUILD UP FIRST HALF LEAD YESTERDAY
BEAST MODE ENJOY BEING CONSUMMATE SHOWMAN. JUST SETTING STAGE FOR GREATEST COMEBACK IN SEAHAWK HISTORY
SHOVE IT, SKITTLEDICK. We had a 21 point lead on your neon green asses.
You were lucky to win that game and you know it.
BEAST MODE NOT CARE WHAT SKINNY FLOUNDER FACED MAN SAY.
SON OF A BITCH. What the hell do I need to do to win one of these games?
I’VE PLAYED WELL STATISTICALLY, YET MY TEAM KEEPS LOSING THE GAMES IN WHICH I START
3 hours ago . Like .
CASE KEENUM and BRANDON WEEDEN can relate to this
Why, oh why couldn’t that game have gone into OUR win column?
Because it would have been too lonely there?
WILSON, I WILL STRAP YOUR FEET TO A CEILING FAN, LOWER YOU INTO A HOT TUB, SET THE DIAL TO “HIGH," AND GIVE YOU A SIX HOUR SWIRLEE!
RICHIE INCOGNITO is picking up valuable bullying tips here.
NOW can we talk about my record-tying SEVEN TOUCHDOWN GAME?
All right, Foles. Before you piss your panties in excitement, let me give you your award.
You get the “Flask of Fantastic Failure” trophy.
What... but... why…? SEVEN TOUCHDOWNS!
How many of those TDs came in the 4th quarter?
Well, none. Because the game was well in hand by then, so…
HAHAHAHA NICK FOLES IS NOT CLUTCH!
ALL THOSE FANCY STATS WON’T HELP YOU IF YOU CAN’T BE COUNTED ON IN CRUNCH TIME, FOLE-HOLE!
NO, NO, NO. You are NOT gonna Jedi mind-fuck me here. I threw SEVEN GODDAMN TOUCHDOWNS, and you KNOW that’s an awesome accomplishment.
As far as the world is concerned Foles, the only QBS who have thrown for 7 TDS are Peyton Manning, and a handful of other nobodies.
(looks down from Heaven) Hey!
(looks up from hell) HEY!
George Blanda is in hell?
All Raiders go to hell. It’s the deal Al Davis made to win the ’84 Super Bowl.
Hey, how about a little love for a Panthers team that’s now won FOUR GAMES IN A ROW?
2 hours ago . Like
DRINK A GLASS OF WINDEX, NEWTON
HAHA. I gotta hand it to you Matt Ryan. You found a creative way to avoid your annual playoff collapse. BY FAILING TO QUALIFY FOR THEM
That reminds me Ryan: I’m naming you the New Orleans Saints MVP for the first half of the season.
But I don’t play for the… oh.
How ‘bout me? Do I get an award?
I’ll take it!
And finally, I have one last award. The “Elite Quarterback Who Won Last Year’s Super Bowl” trophy
Congratulations to Ravens backup QB Tyrod Taylor!
HE ONLY ATTEMPTED 29 PASSES LAST YEAR! HE THREW NO TD’S AND ONE INT!
He also has a Super Bowl ring.
SO DO I!
Then maybe he’ll let you share the award with him.
No deal. COME TO PAPA.
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
November 4, 2013 at 9:22 am
I’m just amazed Big Ben got the math correct.
November 4, 2013 at 9:28 am
Of course Eli meant to do all this this year…it’s a part of the G-Men’s master plan!
November 4, 2013 at 9:30 am
Tyrod Taylor for MVP
November 4, 2013 at 9:43 am
Tip: Glennon spent years as Wilson’s backup. There’s no way he hasn’t got some dirt in Wilson for convos like these.
November 4, 2013 at 9:48 am
i thought the same on big ben…I laughed…then realized he actually got it right….
Vincent Tobiaz (@vincenttobiaz)
November 4, 2013 at 9:54 am
Shocked nothing was said about the sticky/slippery substance that was supposedly on his hands from a Pats jersey in the first quarter…
November 4, 2013 at 10:10 am
How bout putting Jason Cambell up there, he just beat the pants off the black bitch birds.
November 4, 2013 at 10:17 am
The joe flacco isn’t elite thing is awesome I love it
@vincent – You’re suggesting we put stickum…on our DEs. The guys who try to not stick to linesmen.
Think about that for a second.
November 4, 2013 at 10:25 am
“RICHIE INCOGNITO is picking up valuable bullying tips here”
November 4, 2013 at 10:39 am
My first real big laugh was John Fox’s comment (surprised nobody is protesting the tastelessness etc) and the next was the picture of Glennon. During the game when I saw him with his helmet off I could only describe him as a true pencil-neck. How does a pro athlete go through 15-18 years of contact sports with a neck that skinny and not get it snapped? Just from the weight of his helmet….
November 4, 2013 at 11:48 am
Possibly the best one yet! Genius.
November 4, 2013 at 11:55 am
For a while during yesterday’s Hawks-Buccs game, I was wondering how much of a field day the PFM team would have with Aaron Rogers bashing Wilson if he had lost his first game at home… and to a winless team on top of that. Oh well, better luck next time.
November 4, 2013 at 12:16 pm
After the Ravens “effort” (if you can call it that) yesterday, I was expecting a bigger ripping here… Eh, whatever…
Colin Matthew Christman
November 4, 2013 at 12:41 pm
This was a good week for PFM Facebook QB Convo. Last week’s kinda sucked…glad to see you stepped it up this week.
November 4, 2013 at 1:01 pm
“I’m PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING”
November 4, 2013 at 1:10 pm
@Seth: They gave last years Superbowl MVP to the back-up quarterback. Doesn’t get much disrespectful then that.
November 4, 2013 at 1:18 pm
I know u did it in week four or three, but you should have had something with Aaron Rodgers having shut off the game and braging about how he thought the Seahawks lost to the Bucs
November 4, 2013 at 1:41 pm
I’ve actually heard the same “just because you scored more points than us” from real Steeler fans as an excuse here in PA.
sad, just sad…..and stupid.
November 4, 2013 at 2:37 pm
This one was amazing. Great job guys!
November 4, 2013 at 2:48 pm
lolol Bradford, and Big Ben are the best
November 4, 2013 at 3:10 pm
Poor poor Flacco.
November 4, 2013 at 3:24 pm
Richie Incognito line was the best lol
November 4, 2013 at 3:30 pm
Al Davis made a deal so all raiders go to hell LOL
November 4, 2013 at 4:23 pm
If you take out the Ryan brothers section, this is the best in a LONG time. And I love them all.
Saints MVP Matt Ryan. lovin’ it
November 4, 2013 at 4:35 pm
Look dorkier, Brady
November 4, 2013 at 5:39 pm
WRONG, CHIEF THROWS-AT-GROUND.
November 4, 2013 at 5:55 pm
SAM BRADFORD “Then I fit it into my anus. Edgewise.” Why always dirty jokes for Bradford?
November 4, 2013 at 5:59 pm
We need more messed up crap from Bradford
November 4, 2013 at 6:05 pm
9-0 bitches. Suck it.
November 4, 2013 at 7:27 pm
^Beat Denver and the Chargers at least once and I’m sure many people will
November 4, 2013 at 9:14 pm
Too bad Foles’ performance wasn’t last week, Peyton Manning dressing as Foles for halloween is the only explanation I can find for that performance…Bradford is my favorite NFL QB solely because of these convos!
November 4, 2013 at 9:16 pm
“I got an award in edgewise once.” Bradford’s comments are awesome.
Great convo this week!
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November 5, 2013 at 6:24 am
fucking awesome this week!
November 5, 2013 at 8:26 am
Ritchie Incognito means dick in disguise
November 5, 2013 at 10:59 am
Whoever writes these, you are a comedic genius
GoatNugget Tornado (@crazylikeanox)
November 5, 2013 at 11:26 am
That projectile dicksneeze with the extra chromosomes Payton Manning needs to have his spleen fractured
November 5, 2013 at 11:33 am
Comeback player of the year Lmao
November 5, 2013 at 5:58 pm
November 6, 2013 at 12:11 am
I know this was for the midseason awards but something should have been thrown in from Aaron Rodgers/Seneca Wallace and Cutler/McCown
November 6, 2013 at 12:20 pm
This one was great!
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November 7, 2013 at 2:36 am
I am somewhat alarmed to hear that George Blanda went to hell.
November 8, 2013 at 5:05 am
God these are the highlights of my Mondays. Dont listen to anyone who tells you guys they suck, keep pumping them out! The raiders and browns comments make me laugh my ass off
SAN FRANCISCO – 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, responding to questions regarding...