NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: “MEANWHILE, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE”

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Updated: January 26, 2015

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

DREW BREES

SUPER BOWL WEEK. WHOO_HOO!!!!

AARON RODGERS

UGH, I can't believe we have to watch yet another Jaguars-Lions Super Bowl

BLAKE BORTLES

DEAL WITH IT, SHITSTAINS. There's a reason why Jacksonville is called “Title Town” you know.

ELI MANNING

Every year, it's the same thing. If it's not Jacksonville or Detroit winning a Super Bowl, it's Buffalo or Philadelphia.

TOM BRADY

Hey Bills and Eagles, leave some Lombardi trophies for the rest of us, would you?

ANDREW LUCK

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, COCKNUGGETS?

PHILIP RIVERS

Andrew Luck? Foul mouthed, clean shaven, not-nerdy at all draft bust of the Indianapolis Colts?

ANDREW LUCK

WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLING A BUST, RIVERS, YOU GODDAMN INFECTED HEMORRHOID OF A MAN?

ANDREW LUCK

Just because you won all those lucky-ass Super Bowl victories for the Chargers does not give you the right to talk shit to me. I’LL FUCK YOU UP, ASSHOLE.

MICHAEL SAM

Hi guys.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Oh great. Here comes the straight guy.

MATT RYAN

GET OUT OF HERE, BREEDER. THIS CONVO IS FOR GAY PLAYERS ONLY!

JOE FLACCO

That means non-gay players like you and Aaron Rodgers are not welcome.

AARON RODGERS

How many times do I have to explain this? I AM NOT STRAIGHT!

AARON RODGERS

I have no problem with straight guys. I’m not heterophobic or anything. I just don’t happen to BE straight.

AARON RODGERS

I LOVE COCK, I SWEAR!

TIM TEBOW

You fuckers don’t know what you’re missing.

TIM TEBOW

Man, there’s nothing like getting wasted off your ass then banging a bunch of hot-ass bitches. HAIL SATAN.

TOM BRADY

Well I know I’D certainly never have sex with a woman.

RYAN TANNEHILL

That reminds me Brady: STOP SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND!

SAM BRADFORD

ENOUGH ALREADY. Why does everything have to be about sex with you freaks?

SAM BRADFORD

There's other things in life besides sex, you know. Like training. Endurance. Stamina.

TONY ROMO

I guess that commitment to good health and clean living is the reason why Sam Bradford never seems to get injured.

ANDY DALTON

Speaking of not getting injured, where is Robert "Ironman" Griffin III?

RGIII

Sorry I'm late. I was with Dan Snyder, getting yet another award from the National Congress of American Indians.

DAN SNYDER

Ever since we changed our name to the “Washington Native American Gridiron Squad,” those proud people simply can’t stop showering us with praise.

NATIVE AMERICANS EVERWHERE

WE LOVE YOU, DAN SNYDER!

DAN SNYDER

HAIL TO THE N.A.G.S!

ROGER GOODELL

Speaking of awards, I just got my medal for “Man of the Year” from the National Foundation for Domestic Abuse Sensitivity.

DREW BREES

Well any award that you get is obviously well deserved, Commish.

DREW BREES

On behalf of the entire New Orleans Saints organization, let me repeat what we’ve been saying for years: GOD BLESS YOU, ROGER GOODELL.

SEAN PAYTON

BEST COMMISSIONER EVER!

MATT RYAN

That reminds me everyone. It's time to give out some of our own personal end-of-the-year awards.

MATT RYAN

The “Safe Driver of the Year” award goes once again to Cam Newton.

CAM NEWTON

Accident-free since 2003!

ADRIAN PETERSON

And I’ll always treasure this “Father of the Year” award – thanks you guys!

ADRIAN PETERSON

Now if only I could lead the NFL in rushing one day.

ANDREW LUCK

FAT CHANCE PETERSON, YOU STUPID COCKSPONGE.

ANDREW LUCK

The way my boy Trent Richardson keeps racking up these league rushing titles, NONE of you worthless jizzmoppers will ever catch him.

JOSH GORDON

Well, I just hit the award trifecta by being given the “Just Say No To Drugs” trophy, the “Anti-Alcohol Advocate of the Year” certificate, and this really cool “Best Career Moves of ’13-‘14” plaque.

MATT RYAN

And of course, the “Continued Excellence” award goes to the Raiders JaMarcus Russell

JAY CUTLER

That’s eight straight years now of outstanding, pro-bowl caliber play he’s given to Oakland.

JaMARCUS RUSSELL

I credit my unwavering commitment to proper diet and training.

PEYTON MANNING

THAT’S BULLSHIT! The best quarterback in the NFL is obviously named “Manning.”

PEYTON MANNING

So let’s hear it for my awesome brother ELI GODDAMN MANNING.

ELI MANNING

No way bro. You have more championships than me. That makes you better in my book.

PEYTON MANNING

Oh c’mon broseph. You have every significant passing stat in NFL history. THAT’S WHY YOU DA BEST.

ARCHIE MANNING

BOTH OF YOU WEAK ARMED DUCKFUCKERS PALE IN COMPARISON TO YOUR MAGNIFICENT BROTHER COOPER.

COOPER MANNING

I'm just glad that I recovered from that leg injury in high school.

COOPER MANNING

Otherwise, I would never have won those three Super Bowls with the Falcons in ‘98, ‘00, or ‘02.

COOPER MANNING

Or the other three I won with the Buccaneers in ’06, ‘07, and ‘10.

TOM BRADY

Wow, it's amazing that Cooper Manning’s been to six Super Bowls. I SURE WISH I COULD MAKE IT TO JUST ONE!

LARRY FITZGERALD

Oh, we’re talking about the best NFL QBs? Well that list should include pretty much every single Arizona Cardinals quarterback of the past decade.

LARRY FITZGERALD

I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH PERFECT QB’s YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR.

LARRY FITZGERALD

Well, except for those couple of years I was stuck with Kurt Warner. What a turd THAT guy was.

MATT STAFFORD

JUST REMEMBER, NONE OF YOU HAVE EVER MATCHED THE PERFECT 19-0 RECORD MY UNDEFEATED LIONS PUT UP IN 2008!

DON SHULA

Ugh, don’t remind me. It just brings back painful memories of my 0-17 season with Miami back in ’72.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

HAHA THE DOLPHINS SUCK.

MATT RYAN

Well, they may not have made it to the Super Bowl this season. But as usual, the Jets were one of the most fearsome teams in the AFC.

PHILIP RIVERS

Yep. Ever since they hired their Hall-Of-Fame caliber coach back in 2000, the Jets have been dominant almost every single year.

BILL BELICHICK

And to think I almost quit after just one day on the job.

TOM BRADY

That reminds me Belichick: I’M SICK OF YOUR TEAM DEFLATING FOOTBALLS TO GAIN AN UNFAIR COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE.

ANDREW LUCK

YEAH, YA CHEATING MOTHERFUCKER.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Now, now. Let’s not forget that a multitude of factors can cause the psi of an inflated football to rise and fall over time. Atmospheric conditions and overhandling, to name just two such elements.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

But with that said Coach Belichick, it is highly suspicious that the footballs used by the Colts were unaffected by these conditions, while 11 of the 12 balls used by your Jets suffered significant decreases in psi.

TOM BRADY

See? YOU AND YOUR JETS ARE VIOLATING THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME WITH YOUR CHEATING WAYS, BELICHICK!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

No wonder all Jets QBs seem to be at the top of the league’s stats columns year after year,

TOM BRADY

This is just like when we caught you Jets videotaping our Patriots sideline signals back in 2007.

BILL BELICHICK

Big deal. So we videotaped a guy in full view of 80,000 people. YOU WHINY PATRIOTS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF TATTLETALES FOR TURNING US IN.

TOM BRADY

SAVE YOUR FLIMSY EXCUSES, BELICHICK. YOU’RE A CHEATER AND YOU SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THE NFL.

BLAKE BORTLES

Meanwhile, my Jaguars are the NFL’s most popular team, as usual.

JAKE LOCKER

YOU WISH BORTLES. My Titans are the league’s most popular squad.

JAY CUTLER

Guys, guys. Just accept the fact that BOTH your teams are super beloved.

ALEX SMITH

Yep. The Titans and Jaguars will always be the NFL’s two most followed, most interesting, and most televised teams year in and year out. No one else even comes close.

PEYTON MANNING

Oh hey look, it’s Alex “Rocket Man” Smith.

DREW BREES

Way to make us all look bad with that cannon arm of yours, Smith.

ALEX SMITH

What can I say? THERE’S NO BETTER QB FOR A WIDE RECEIVER TO PLAY FOR THAN ALEX SMITH!

RYAN TANNEHILL

Meanwhile, Matt Schaub had yet another amazing year as a superstar Houston Texans quarterback.

MATT SCHAUB

All shucks. It's easy when you have the NFL's greatest tight end to throw to.

MATT SCHAUB

WAY TO GO, J.J. WATT!

J.J. WATT

I still wish the Texans would let me try to play defense at some point.

GARY KUBIAK

GIVE IT UP, WATT. You’re too valuable to us as an offensive weapon to risk using you as a defensive gimmick.

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE J.J. WATT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A HALFWAY DECENT DEFENSIVE PLAYER IF THEY WOULD JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Bridgewater, how many times must I explain this simple concept before it penetrates that dense cranium of yours?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY IF YOU INSIST ON EXPLAINING THEM LIKE THAT.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

You should treat a witty gag as you would a beautiful woman: with tender care and only the utmost of respect.

ANDREW LUCK

YEAH BEN, YOU TELL THAT LITTLE FUCKNUGGET. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

JAY CUTLER

No, no, no! Can’t we just all treat each other with decency and compassion?

CARSON PALMER

Why you always gotta be such a peacemaker, Cutler?

JAY CUTLER

What can I say? I guess my problem is that I care too much.

RGIII

Well that explains all those ads you do for the anti-smoking lobby.

PEYTON MANNING

Geez, what is it with you guys and all your product endorsements?

PEYTON MANNING

WHY MUST YOU WHORE YOURSELVES OUT FOR EVERY COMPANY THAT OFFERS YOU A PAYCHECK? DON'T YOU HAVE ANY DIGNITY?

TONY ROMO

I hope everyone is planning to show up to my big Super Bowl party this year.

ELI MANNING

Are you kidding? WE WOULDN’T MISS IT.

NICK FOLES

As the most popular, most beloved of all the NFL QBs, we look forward to any and every opportunity to hang out with you Tony Romo!

PEYTON MANNING

Just please have some decent food this year, instead of that Papa John’s shit.

TOM BRADY

My favorite part of Romo’s annual Super Bowl bash is when he regales us with stories from all the NFC Championship Games he’s been to.

ALEX SMITH

Too bad your Cowboys struggled in December this year and finished with an 8-8 record, Romo.

TONY ROMO

Well, after three straight seasons of going 12-4 and winning the NFC East title in week 17, I guess we were due for a letdown.

JERRY JONES

That still didn’t stop me from winning the NFL’s EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR AWARD!

HOLY SHIT this actually happened

JOHNNY MANZIEL

Sorry Romo. But I won’t be at your place to watch the Super Bowl. I don’t believe in going to parties.

JOHNNY MANZIEL

Why would I waste three valuable hours drinking and having fun when I could be working out or studying film instead?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

That’s the kind of tireless dedication to your craft that made you a unanimous choice for Rookie of the Year, Manziel.

BROWNS FANS

Well, we’re just happy that our Browns have won 6 of the past 10 Super Bowls.

MATT RYAN

What the hell are you talking about? Cleveland has never even BEEN to a Super Bowl, much less won one.

BROWNS FANS

But… this is an alternate universe! Shouldn’t the Browns be successful here?

PROFOOTBALLMOCK

Sorry. The Browns are doomed to be shitty forever in all possible universes.

BROWNS FANS

(slashes wrists)

JIM HARBAUGH

Hey everyone, did you hear the news? San Francisco just signed me to a ten-year contract extension!

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers

AND YOU EARNED EVERY NICKEL OF IT, JIMBO. After the way you revived the 49ers organization, we’re NEVER letting you get away!

ANDY DALTON

HO-HUM. Another year, another bucketful of playoff victories for Andy “Mr. January” Dalton.

JOE FLACCO

What’s your secret, Dalton? How do you pile up so many postseason victories while I’m still waiting to get my first?

ANDY DALTON

I guess I just play with every ounce of my soul on every snap.

PEYTON MANNING

Flacco, stop being so hard on yourself. How many times do we have to tell you that you are every bit as elite as anyone else in the league?

JOE FLACCO

Aw shucks you guys. You know I simply refuse to consider myself in an elite class like you guys.

ANDREW LUCK

SUCK A BUTT, FLACCO. You may be an officially Elite QB, but until you win a Super Bowl like I did, you’ll NEVER be qualified to lick my taint.

RICHARD SHERMAN

Now now, there’s no need for that kind of arrogance. Real winners should always conduct themselves with humility and grace.

RICHARD SHERMAN

For example, do you know what I like to say whenever I get an interception in the end zone?

AARON RODGERS

“Touchdown Packers?”

RUSSELL WILSON

RODGERS, I WILL CRUSH YOUR SKULL WITH EVERY OUNCE OF STRENGTH IN MY MASSIVE SIX-FOOT-FIVE FRAME.

NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: “MEANWHILE, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE”

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28 Comments

  1. Depressed Chiefs Fan

    January 28, 2015 at 9:48 pm

    I saw the Alex Smith bit, and I laughed as I cried over what will never be.

  2. Hich

    January 28, 2015 at 7:33 am

    Only thing I would have added:

    “BTW Cutler, do you still see your mom much, after she joined a convent?”
    “Oh yeah. Not surprised at all that she decided to become a nun. She’s been the pinnacle of purity and class since I was a kid.”

  3. AnonyMOOSE

    January 27, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    I was expecting something maybe like this though.

    ELI MANNING: I’m really excited to be playing in the Superbowl again with my brother’s former team the Chargers!

    PEYTON MANNING: Yeah, but just remember, I still have two rings with the Chargers and you only have one. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

    ELI MANNING: Yeah but you haven’t done anything since you got traded to the Broncos after your neck injury.

    RYAN LEAF: ‘SUP? RETIRING COLTS LEGEND HERE. AND TO THINK THAT PEOPLE DOUBTED MY WORK ETHIC AND THOUGHT I WOULD BE THE BIGGEST DRAFT BUST OF ALL TIME. I PROVED THEM WRONG.

    ROBERT GRIFFIN III: Well I can’t wait for my big chance Mr. Leaf! After you retire I will finally be able to show my potential as a starting quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts and use what I have learned from you, my childhood hero!

    ANDREW LUCK: SHUT UP GRIFFIN, NO ONE LIKES A BRAGGER!

    ROBERT GRIFFIN III: I am so sorry, I don’t know what got into me.

    ANDREW LUCK: YOU CAN’T BRAG UNTIL YOU WIN A SUPERBOWL LIKE THE WAY I DID IN MY SECOND EVER SEASON WITH THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS.

    Yeah basically something like that. But it was still really funny.

  4. AnonyMOOSE

    January 27, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Awesome. One of the best of the year. Even in an alternate universe, the Browns still suck. LOL.

  5. PFM Comments

    January 26, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    So who made the SB if BB is the coach of the Jets but the Jets didn’t make the SB.

  6. That Guy

    January 26, 2015 at 7:08 pm

    Not so fast PFM! How could the ’72 Dolphins go 0-17 when they only played 14 games in the regular season? Shouldn’t it be 0-14 if the ’08 Lions went 19-0?

    • DangerRuss

      January 27, 2015 at 8:58 am

      It’s called the playoffs dumbass.

      • Dynohawk

        January 27, 2015 at 12:54 pm

        Think about it…if they went 0-14…would they make the playoffs?

      • AnonyMOOSE

        January 27, 2015 at 2:04 pm

        But they wouldn’t make the playoffs if they went 0-14.

      • Hich

        January 28, 2015 at 7:30 am

        I think we all learned who the REAL dumbass is here today.

      • That Guy

        January 28, 2015 at 12:29 pm

        I know what playoffs are dipshit. It’s what an 0-14 team doesn’t get to make due to a shitty record.

  7. Richie Incognito

    January 26, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    Sorry to be late to the party, fellas. I just got back from speaking at an anti-bullying campaign with teammates Mike Pouncey and John Jerry. I just hope I can reach out to guys like Jonathan Martin and teach him about how bullying negatively affects people.

    • Jonathan Martin

      January 26, 2015 at 5:34 pm

      Oh, stop being such a little faggot, Incognito!! In fact, just for calling me out, I am going to give you the biggest wedgie of your life and give your mother another Cleveland steamer!! You better watch out, pussy boy!!

  8. Maverick Mopete

    January 26, 2015 at 4:58 pm

    BROWNS FANS

    But… this is an alternate universe! Shouldn’t the Browns be successful here?

    PROFOOTBALLMOCK

    Sorry. The Browns are doomed to be shitty forever in all possible universes.

    This line made my day.

  9. forever_town

    January 26, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    This was a lot like the Opposite Sketches from “You Can’t Do That On Television.” Pretty funny in my book.

  10. Anonymous

    January 26, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    Don’t forget about me Aaron Hernandez. I was awarded for my commitment against violence. I however am sad I could not reach to my teamate and fellow TE Gronkowski in time before he murdered innocent people. Now he is behind bars and awaiting to be convincted.

  11. amace

    January 26, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    Wow, this wasn’t forced at all.

    Very disappointed with this week’s Facebook chat.

    • Bob A (Alternate Universe)

      January 27, 2015 at 4:29 pm

      Quit whining already!

  12. Lazy Luke

    January 26, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    You did not disappoint at all. Well done

  13. Sholly73

    January 26, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    I still hold out hope that my Browns will be good some day. I just wish that nitwit of an owner would get it through his head–cut your losses! This guy just doesn’t get it–if what you’re doing isn’t working, do something else! Don’t just leave the same people in place year after year. Keeping a little heat under their seat will get the best out of them, don’t ya know? Sometimes you have to man up and fire someone two years into a contract, or even one year in extreme cases. Ah well, I can dream…

  14. Marshawn Lynch

    January 26, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    I also got an award for Outstanding Media Relations. I do believe that it is important for me as a professional athlete to establish an outstanding relationship with media everywhere. I just hope I can get my boy Richard Sherman to say more to the media. I don’t want him to continue to get fined for not speaking to the outstanding reporters that I have the privilege of speaking to regularly.

  15. Greg Hardy

    January 26, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    What about the recognition I received for speaking out against domestic violence?

  16. Ray Rice

    January 26, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    With all due respect, we forgot to acknowledge my award for Husband of the Year. Hopefully, I can help domestic violence offenders such as Drew Brees, Andrew Luck, Aaron Rodgers, Tim Tebow, and JJ Watt change their ways before they forever tarnish their reputations.

  17. Typical Seahawk Fan - Alternate Universe

    January 26, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    While I’m not happy with my beloved Seahawks going 4-12 this year I will never give up on them. I hope we can be the powerhouse franchise we were back in the ’90s when Rick Mirer was our QB. I am thankful for a humble player like Richard Sherman and Marshawn Lynch who is the best public speaker in the NFL. I just wish Russell Wilson would stop blaming God for the teams struggles and just have faith in his teammates. God bless you all and if your team is in this upcoming Super Bowl good luck.

    Also can somebody explain these # symbols I’m seeing on the Internet? It’s rather strange.

  18. Anonymous

    January 26, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Seeing the opposite of everyone was very funny and entertaining. Love the alternative universe convo!

  19. Gary Hawkins - Landscaper Who Is Not Gary Hogeboom

    January 26, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    Oddly enough, both smart Ben and dumb Teddy have been done before – Ben in “Flowers for Ben” and Teddy in most of HHOFB.

    But even in this alternate universe, I’m not Gary Hogeboom.

    • Gary Hogeboom

      January 26, 2015 at 2:01 pm

      On the contrary my landscaping friend, the Benjamin in this alternate universe is merely average like the rest and Theodore is indeed stupid. In “Flowers for Ben”, Benjamin was portrayed at being very intelligent due to a hit in the previous game while Theodore was merely average albeit a few spelling errors here and there. While these two convos are indeed similar they are not the same so the writers did not 100% repeat themselves regarding these two quarterbacks. I am not you.

    • AnonyMOOSE

      January 27, 2015 at 2:01 pm

      Teddy was also dumb in Flowers for Ben.

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