NFL QBs On Facebook: “POP TARTS”

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Updated: October 13, 2014

POP TARTS 475

TONY ROMO

LISTEN UP, ALL YOU TROUSER WEASELS. Guess what Tony Romo can do, that Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Tom Brady CANNOT?

JOE FLACCO

Count his playoff wins on one finger?

TONY ROMO

WRONG! Well, okay, technically, yes.

TONY ROMO

BUT ALSO, TONY ROMO CAN NOW SAY THAT HE HAS BEATEN RUSSELL WILSON!!!!

TONY ROMO

COWBOYS 30, SEAHAWKS 23 WHOOOOOO!

COWBOYS FANS EVERYWHERE

(Put away their Yankees summer caps, don their Cowboys fall sweaters)

TONY ROMO

Now Russell Wilson can’t say DICK to me. I BEAT HIS PATHETIC FLOCK OF SEAGULLS, AND I DID IT ON THEIR OWN STUPID FIELD.

TONY ROMO

We even won despite the fact that the roar of the crowd cheering against us was DEAFENING.

RUSSELL WILSON

Must have felt just like a home game to you then.

TONY ROMO

WILSON I WILL… nope, nope, nope, you can’t get me angry. You know why? Because my Cowboys are 5-1 AND THE HOTTEST TEAM IN THE NFL!.

PHILIP RIVERS

Romo, My Chargers are ALSO 5-1. We’re just as hot as you.

TONY ROMO

Yes, but we’ve won five games IN A ROW.

PHILIP RIVERS

So have we!

TONY ROMO

MY TEAM BEAT THE WORLD CHAMPION SEATTLE SEAHAWKS!

PHILIP RIVERS

SO DID MINE! WE ARE EVERY BIT AS HOT AS YOU.

ESPN

(puts fingers in ears) LA-LA-LA-LA, CAN’T HEAR YOU, TOO BUSY PREPPING TEN MORE COWBOYS REPORTS FOR TONIGHT’S “SPORTSCENTER.”

TONY ROMO

And to think everyone expected my Cowboys to suck this year. Well, you know what the difference ended up being?

NICK FOLES

A running game to keep the ball out of your hands as much as possible?

TONY ROMO

That's right: A RUNNING GAME TO KEEP THE BALL OUT OF MY HANDS AS MUCH AS no, wait, shut up.

DREW BREES

Romo, why are you taking a full hour between each one of your comments?

TONY ROMO

Because I have the BIGGEST, BEST, MOST POWERFUL OFFENSIVE LINE IN THE NFL.

TONY ROMO

Thanks to them, I can take all the time in the world to do anything I want, nice and slooooowly.

TONY ROMO’S WIFE

Not quite everything, Captain QuickSplooge.

ELI MANNING

A good offensive line, huh? Man, that must be a nice luxury to hav…

ELI MANNING

(gets sacked)

TONY ROMO

HAHAHA. I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM UNSTOPPABLE. NOW I AM BECOME ROMO, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!

NICK FOLES

Don’t get so cocky, Romo. Someone, somewhere will be able to stop you.

MONTH OF DECEMBER

Don’t look at me. That offensive line is starting to seem scary as hell.

KATY PERRY

‘Sup, all you pussy willows?

PHILIP RIVERS

Katy Perry? Large breasted pop music superstar, who was recently named as the large breasted Super Bowl halftime performer?

ALEX SMITH

I hear she also has large breasts too.

KATY PERRY

Now that I’ve been anointed as the Super Bowl entertainer, I figured I’d check in with you panty smears to see which team I should be rooting for this season.

JAY CUTLER

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, KATIE WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME IS.

JAY CUTLER

I don’t know who you are, or what kind of bubbly top-40 crap you sing, but this is a QUARTERBACK conversation and WE DON’T WANT YOUR KIND AROUND HERE.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Dude, this is what Katy Perry looks like:

COLIN KAEPERNICK



JAY CUTLER

Welcome to our conversation, Ms. Perry. It’s an honor to have you with us.

KATY PERRY

Save it, Slouchy McMoperstein. I wouldn’t bang you with Lady Gaga’s dick.

KATY PERRY

But I need to choose a favorite team to cheer for this season. One special team that I will support no matter whether they win, lose, or t…

DREW BREES

NO NO NO DON’T SAY THAT WORD.

KATY PERRY

Why? What’s so bad about saying the word ti..?

DREW BREES

SHUT YOUR AUTO-TUNED MOUTH! I don't want ANYONE saying the "T" word

DREW BREES

Yesterday, the Engals-Bay and the Anthers-Pay finished overtime in a 37-37 Eye-Tay.

DREW BREES

So now if any of us utter that word, then the wretched goat-horned porn-demon Sam Bradford will arise.

DREW BREES

HE WILL SICKEN US ALL WITH HIS RANCID FILTH!

CAM NEWTON

Ooh, ooh: “Things you say to announce that Papa John is catering your dinner party?”

BRIAN HOYER

You know, it’s appropriate that Katy Perry is here with us this week.

BRIAN HOYER

Because the rest of you jizzbuckets now have to FACE THE MUSIC, SINCE THE CLEVELAND BROWNS ARE SHOOTING TO THE TOP OF THE CHARTS, WHOOOO!

BROWNS FANS

What… what is this weird feeling we have right now?

BRIAN HOYER

It’s called “Pride.”

BROWNS FANS

WELL IT’S TOTALLY CREEPING US OUT.

BRIAN HOYER

HAHAHAHA. HOYER THE DESTROYER LED HIS “NEW-AND-IMPROVED” BROWNS TO A 31-10 ASSWHIPPING of THE “OLD-AND-CRAPPY” STEELERS!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BOOOOO! I HATE LOSING TO THE ORIGINAL RECIPE RAVENS!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Wait, so Cleveland has now won two games in a row?

ALEX SMITH

Yep. Believe it or not, the Browns actually have a streak going.

MIKE TOMLIN

Oh, they’re a brown streak all right.

BRIAN HOYER

Hey, that’s a funny joke, Mike Tomlin. You know what’s another funny joke? HOW YOUR SORRY SQUAD IS IN LAST PLACE IN THE AFC NORTH!

BRIAN HOYER

Sing it with me now: WHOOO LET THE DAWGS OUT? WHO?! WHO-WHO?!

RYAN FITZPATRICK

You’re singing that old “Baja Men” song, Hoyer? Jeez, talk about a one-hit wonder.

BLAKE BORTLES

Well, that’s still one more hit than the entire Buccaneers defense had yesterday.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THEY GAVE UP A LOT OF POINTS.

JOE FLACCO

Oh, they didn’t give up points. JOE FLACCO TOOK ‘EM LIKE A TOTAL BADASS.

JOE FLACCO

I PUMMELLED THOSE ASS PIRATES 48-17 HAHAHAHAHA.

MIKE GLENNON

THAT LOSS WAS NOT MY FAULT! My team’s crappy defense gave up FIVE passing TDs to that monobrowed mangina. All in the first quarter alone!

JOE FLACCO

LOL MIKE GLENNON. WE DISPOSED OF YOU LIKE A KEY PIECE OF EVIDENCE IN THE RAY LEWIS MURDER TRIAL! WHOOOOO!

DREW BREES

Geez, did Flacco really have 5 TDs in the first quarter?

AARON RODGERS

Well then, welcome to the club, Joe Flacco. Your gold jacket will be sent out to you today.

JOE FLACCO

Gold jacket? For what?

TOM BRADY

For officially being admitted into the “ELITE NFL QB CLUB”

JOE FLACCO

REALLY? YOU… YOU MEAN IT?

DREW BREES

Yep. You’ve earned it buddy. That was a magnificent performance yesterday.

JOE FLACCO

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT BE FUCKING WITH ME AGAIN. My heart can’t take it.

AARON RODGERS

Nope, we’re not messing with you, dude.

TOM BRADY

5 TDs in one quarter makes you officially elite in our book.

JOE FLACCO

YES. YES YES YES YES YES! I’M FINALLY ELITE! THIS IS ALL I’VE EVER WANTED MY ENTIRE…

DREW BREES

Wait, hold on. According to the box score, Flacco didn’t throw his fifth TD until the SECOND quarter.

JOE FLACCO

Well, yeah, but it was only one measly minute into the 2nd quarter, so…

AARON RODGERS

No elite for you.

JOE FLACCO

GODDAMMIT.

PEYTON MANNING

HO-HUM. ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER VICTORY FOR PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING WITH THREE TDs OVER GENO SMITH AND HIS WAIVER WIRE CHOIR OF A TEAM.

GENO SMITH

Manning, you know that we kept that game DAMN close right up until the very end.

PEYTON MANNING

TOUGH TITTIES, SHITTY SMITTY. Everyone knows that "close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and roughing the passer calls.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE THE REFS CALL AN R.T.P. PENALTY ANY TIME THE DEFENSE COMES EVEN A LITTLE BIT CLOSE TO PEYTON MANNING.

PEYTON MANNING

Hey Katy BigBoobs. Does it make your ladyparts all hot and tingly to know that next week, PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING WILL SET THE ALL TIME NFL RECORD FOR TOUCHDOWN PASSES?

KATY PERRY

Nope. But looking at your freak forehead makes me feel downright frigid.

ANDREW LUCK

Oh, so does that make you “Refrigerator Perry?”

ANDREW LUCK

Tee-hee. Because that was the name of a famous Bears payer from back in the 80’s…

TOM BRADY

Shut up Luck.

TONY ROMO

YOU’RE YESTERDAY’S NEWS, PEYTON MANNING. LET ME TELL YOU WHO THE LEAGUE’S NEW #1 QB IS:

TONY ROMO

ARE YOU READY? IT’S… IT’S…

TONY ROMO

IT’S… … …

COWBOYS OFFENSIVE LINE

Go on. Take all the time you need. We got you covered.

TONY ROMO

IT’S “TONY GODDAMN ROMO.” THE FINEST QUARTERBACKING SPECIMEN THE NFL HAS EVER SEEN!

NICK FOLES

For crap’s sake Romo, YOU’RE NOT EVEN THE TOP TEAM IN THE NFC EAST AT THE MOMENT.

NICK FOLES

That honor belongs to NICKFOLIAN DYNAMITE and the high-flying 5-1 Eagles.

ELI MANNING

GET FUCKED, FOLES. I COULD’VE MADE THAT GAME A LOT CLOSER, IF I’D HAD MORE TIME IN THE POCK…

ELI MANNING

(gets sacked)

NICK FOLES

Manning, after that 27-0 SKULLFUCKING I gave you on national TV last night, aren’t you ashamed to show your face here?

TOM BRADY

With a face like his, he should be ashamed to show it anytime, anywhere.

NICK FOLES

Oh man, winning that game was even easier than we thought.

NICK FOLES

I mean, sure, we figured the Giants were nothing but a bunch of lifeless, brain-dead zombies, like in that TV show, "The View."

NICK FOLES

But we were surprised to learn that they’re also predictable and stupid, like that TV show, "The Walking Dead."

AARON RODGERS

Well Katy Perry, in honor of your musical presence here today, let me remind everyone that it was RODGERS AND HAMMER-TIME yesterday down in Miami.

PEYTON MANNING

What a shocker. Rodger’s go-to musical reference is a flamboyant Broadway show.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THAT’S A GAY STEREOTYPE.

AARON RODGERS

DID YOU GUYS SEE MY COME BACK ON THE ROAD?!?!?!

CAM NEWTON

Ooh, ooh: “Things the driver of a mobile sperm bank van says when he loses a barrel on an interstate freeway?”

AARON RODGERS

No, I’m talking about the THRILLING LAST-SECOND VICTORY I orchestrated over Ryan Tannehill and his D’oh Fins.

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHAHA! IT WAS LIKE SHOOTING OVERRATED ORANGE AND TEAL FISH IN A BARREL!

RYAN TANNEHILL

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. WE HAD THAT GAME WON. Then our stupid defense COLLAPSED like a folding chair at Andy Reid’s house on Thanksgiving.

RYAN TANNEHILL

THERE ISN’T A TROMBONE IN THE WORLD SAD ENOUGH TO EXPRESS HOW UPSET I AM RIGHT NOW!

TOM BRADY

Hey Katy Perry: come spend one night with me to celebrate my 37-22 victory over the B-flat Bills yesterday.

TOM BRADY

Believe me, after I have you screaming those high “O” notes five or six times, you'll be a Patriots fan for life.

ELI MANNING

Brady, you idiot. "O" is not a note on the vocal scale.

TOM BRADY

Oh that's right. It's actually the score your crappy team puts up in primetime divisional games.

ELI MANNING

BRADY, NEED I REMIND YOU THAT I HAVE BEATEN YOU IN NOT ONE, BUT TWO SUPER BO…

ELI MANNING

(gets sacked)

TOM BRADY

Yep. When those Buffalo Gals came out last night, I sent ‘em shuffling off with my FOUR-COUNT-THEM-FOUR touchdown passes.

TOM BRADY

I WAS ON FIRE YESTERDAY!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Much like the genitals of any guy who spends a night with Cutler’s Mom.

DRUM SET

Ba-dum-tsss

CARSON PALMER

A-WELL-A, EVERYBODY’S HEARD ABOUT THE BIRD, A-WELL-A, BIRD-BIRD-BIRD, B-B-BIRD IS THE WORD!

PETER GRIFFIN likes this

CARSON PALMER

Tweet hello to the Arizona Cardinals, everyone. 4-1 AND ATOP THE NFC WEST!

CARSON PALMER

AND NOW THERE’S NO MORE MUSICAL CHAIRS AT QUARTERBACK. CARSON PALMER IS BACK, TOSSIN’ TD’s AND RIPPIN’ REDSKINS DBs!

RGIII

WAY TO GO KIRK COUSINS. Once again, you’ve let down our entire team with your piss-poor performance.

RGIII

You threw THREE 4th quarter interceptions. You led our ‘Skins to their FOURTH straight defeat.

RGIII

TELL ME, WHAT’S THE NEXT CRUSHING BLOW YOU’LL BE DELIVERING TO OUR TEAM?

KIRK COUSINS

That would be turning the offense back over to you, Gimpy McHas-Been

CARSON PALMER

HAHAHA WE GAVE THOSE RACIST REDSKINS A THOROUGH ASS-REAMING

NICK FOLES

But it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry rape.

MATT STAFFORD

HI KATY PERRY. LET ME PLAY YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE:

MATT STAFFORD

“IN THE JUNGLE, THE MIGHTY JUNGLE, THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT…”

MATT STAFFORD

“AT THE VIKINGS, THE LOWLY VIKINGS, THE LIONS WON LAST NIGHT.”

MATT STAFFORD

“A WWEEMA WWAY, A WWEEMA WWAY, A WWEEMA WWAY, A WWEEMA WWAY…!”

ALEX SMITH

You have too many “W”s, Stafford.

REST OF NFC NORTH

Ain’t that the truth.

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

This is THOROUGHLY UNACCEPTABLE.

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

I am meant to be a conquering hero in this barbaric sport, not suffer ignominious defeat to the likes of a puffy faced imbecile such as Matthew Stafford.

AARON RODGERS

ROFL. NICE GAME THERE, TEDDY SUXPIN.

AARON RODGERS

188 yards? No TDs? THREE DRIVE-KILLING INTERCEPTIONS?

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHA THE DRUMMER FOR DEF LEPPARD COULD’VE PASSED BETTER THAN THAT WITH ONE ARM TIED BEHIND HIS BACK!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

WHICH WOULD BE FUNNY, BECAUSE THAT GUY ONLY HAS ONE ARM, YOU SEE.

CARSON PALMER

Wow. So it looks like all of the rookie QBs suck this year.

DEREK CARR

THAT’S NOT TRUE! I played AWESOME yesterday, I threw 4 TDs!

DEREK CARR

IT’S NOT FAIR. WITH SUCH AMAZING STATS, HOW DID I LOSE TO THE CHARGERS?

BRIAN HOYER

Well, sometimes a great individual performance can't make up for the rest of your team playing like brain damaged baboons.

J.J. WATT

I can confirm this.

DREW BREES

Hey, my bye week was AWESOME you guys. I gleefully watched the Bears trounce Matt Ryan and the Falcons 27-13, AND I WAS JERKING OFF ALL THE WHILE!

DREW BREES

But now I’m banned from Buffalo Wild Wings for life.

DRUM SET

ba-dum-t...NO. THAT TERRIBLE GAG DOES NOT DESERVE MUSICAL PUNCTUATION.

JAY CUTLER

WHAT A GAME! Me and my receivers made beautiful music all day, while Matt Ryan just sang songs in the key of ass.

MATT RYAN

IT WAS JUST ONE GAME. We’re not out of it yet, Captain Blacklung.

MATT RYAN

Sure we’re 2-4, but no one in the NFC South is playing good football right now.

MATT RYAN

In fact, we’d only be a game out of first if the Panthers had just lost to the Bengals yesterday instead of ending in a stupid tie.

ALEX SMITH

GODDAMMIT RYAN. YOU SAID THE WORD!

SAM BRADFORD

(appears in a puff of powdered KY jelly)

SAM BRADFORD

A tie? Did I hear that the Bengals and the Panthers played to a tie?

NICK FOLES

NO. GO AWAY.

SAM BRADFORD

Well, you know what they say about two cat teams playing to a tie on a music-themed weekend, right?

DREW BREES

WE DON’T CARE.

SAM BRADFORD

A tie between cat teams on a music-themed weekend is like hollowing out your grandmother’s “Hello Kitty” dildo, putting it between your lips, and blowing into it like a makeshift kazoo…

SAM BRADFORD

… while simultaneously shoving a half pound of kitty litter up your peehole, so that when you shake your testicles they sound like maracas…

SAM BRADFORD

…all the while sliding a harmonica up and down your asscrack and sharting out a brown, wet, runny version of Katy Perry’s hit single “Roar.”

MATT STAFFORD

EWWW!!!!

ELI MANNING

GROSS!!!!!

KATY PERRY

Eh, it’d still sound better than anything that Taylor Swift skank has ever recorded.

ANDREW LUCK

Hey guys, I just thought of another funny joke.

ANDREW LUCK

Since we’re all talking about music, I guess you could say that the Bengals had the “Eye of the TIE-ger.”

ANDREW LUCK

Do you get it? Because that’s a famous 80’s song, and a Bengal is a kind of tiger, so…

TOM BRADY

Shut up Luck.

PEYTON MANNING

Get fucked, Luck

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE THEN IT ISN’T FUNNY, ANDREW LUCK.

KATY PERRY

Okay, all you Camp Town Ladies, I'm out of here.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Wait Katy Perry. Have you made a decision about what team to root for?

KATY PERRY

Yep. After discovering that I find all of you to be insufferable douchenozzles, I have chosen the Jacksonville Jaguars as the team I will be rooting for the rest of the year.

JAGUARS FANS

YAY! WE FINALLY WIN AT SOMETHING!

AARON RODGERS

Why the hell would you root for that winless bunch of hairballs?

KATY PERRY

What can I tell you? I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for total losers

RUSSELL BRAND

I can confirm this.

PEYTON MANNING

Well personally I’m glad you’ll be singing at this year’s big game, Katy Perry

PEYTON MANNING

I thought Bruno Mars was an AWFUL halftime performer at the last Super Bowl.

RUSSELL WILSON

That’s because from your point of view, it was more of a postgame concert.

PEYTON MANNING

WILSON, I WILL BARRICADE YOU INSIDE YOUR SEAHAWKS LOCKER WITH NOTHING BUT A STRAIGHT RAZOR AND A BOOMBOX PLAYING “JUSTIN BIEBER’S GREATEST HITS” ON A CONTINUOUS LOOP TO SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES YOU TO SLIT YOUR WRISTS.

CARSON PALMER

I put the over/under at three minutes.

ELI MANNING

(gets sacked)

NFL QBs On Facebook: “POP TARTS”

14 Comments

  1. PFMFan21

    October 15, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Best Bradford explanation of a tie. EVER! And I’ll go under 3 minutes.

  2. Brickfinger

    October 14, 2014 at 12:38 am

    What’s with the underlining?

    Second half of the convo and all the comments…

    • Bolt Up Hero

      October 14, 2014 at 8:10 am

      Think that’s just you

  3. toadofsteel

    October 13, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    As a Giants fan, I was disappointed at the lack of disappointed archie and Eli getting sacked trying to explain bad OL play.

  4. beltrmd

    October 13, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    New here, thought this was funny as hell. Had me laughing my ass off.

  5. DerNomed21

    October 13, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    Ummmm no qb can beat joe’s time I mean he get five tds in 16 minute. Old record was ben and it was 28 min…..

  6. Typical Seahawk Fan

    October 13, 2014 at 7:01 pm

    This is bullshit!! The refs screwed us and the 12th man wasn’t loud enough!!!! Fuck this! Now I gotta buy a cowboys jersey to go with my chargers jersey! Go Cowboys!! Romo’s #1!

    #12thmansince2012
    Go Hawks!!

  7. Asshole

    October 13, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Definitely one of the best ones… Need a Taylor Swift catfight going on.

  8. Xodiac

    October 13, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    This is a good one. Good jokes, and the transitions between which games/players are the focus of the convo didn’t seem forced like they sometimes do. Thanks for the laughs. :)

  9. Hodor

    October 13, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Hodor

  10. Bolt Up Hero

    October 13, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Derek Carr had 1 INT. It was the game ending INT too. How do you miss that.

    • PFM Staff

      October 13, 2014 at 3:30 pm

      Thanks for the catch. FIXED!

      • AnonyMOOSE

        October 13, 2014 at 6:17 pm

        Also please fix where it says “Rodger’s go-to musical”. It should be “Rodgers’ go-to musical.”

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