LISTEN UP, ALL YOU TROUSER WEASELS. Guess what Tony Romo can do, that Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Tom Brady CANNOT?
Like . Comment . Share . 16 hours ago
Count his playoff wins on one finger?
16 hours ago . Like
WRONG! Well, okay, technically, yes.
BUT ALSO, TONY ROMO CAN NOW SAY THAT HE HAS BEATEN RUSSELL WILSON!!!!
COWBOYS 30, SEAHAWKS 23 WHOOOOOO!
(Put away their Yankees summer caps, don their Cowboys fall sweaters)
Now Russell Wilson can’t say DICK to me. I BEAT HIS PATHETIC FLOCK OF SEAGULLS, AND I DID IT ON THEIR OWN STUPID FIELD.
We even won despite the fact that the roar of the crowd cheering against us was DEAFENING.
Must have felt just like a home game to you then.
WILSON I WILL… nope, nope, nope, you can’t get me angry. You know why? Because my Cowboys are 5-1 AND THE HOTTEST TEAM IN THE NFL!.
15 hours agp . Like
Romo, My Chargers are ALSO 5-1. We’re just as hot as you.
Yes, but we’ve won five games IN A ROW.
14 hours agp . Like
So have we!
MY TEAM BEAT THE WORLD CHAMPION SEATTLE SEAHAWKS!
13 hours agp . Like
SO DID MINE! WE ARE EVERY BIT AS HOT AS YOU.
(puts fingers in ears) LA-LA-LA-LA, CAN’T HEAR YOU, TOO BUSY PREPPING TEN MORE COWBOYS REPORTS FOR TONIGHT’S “SPORTSCENTER.”
And to think everyone expected my Cowboys to suck this year. Well, you know what the difference ended up being?
12hours agp . Like
A running game to keep the ball out of your hands as much as possible?
That's right: A RUNNING GAME TO KEEP THE BALL OUT OF MY HANDS AS MUCH AS no, wait, shut up.
11 hours agp . Like
Romo, why are you taking a full hour between each one of your comments?
Because I have the BIGGEST, BEST, MOST POWERFUL OFFENSIVE LINE IN THE NFL.
10 hours agp . Like
Thanks to them, I can take all the time in the world to do anything I want, nice and slooooowly.
9 hours agp . Like
Not quite everything, Captain QuickSplooge.
A good offensive line, huh? Man, that must be a nice luxury to hav…
HAHAHA. I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM UNSTOPPABLE. NOW I AM BECOME ROMO, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!
8 hours agp . Like
Don’t get so cocky, Romo. Someone, somewhere will be able to stop you.
Don’t look at me. That offensive line is starting to seem scary as hell.
‘Sup, all you pussy willows?
Katy Perry? Large breasted pop music superstar, who was recently named as the large breasted Super Bowl halftime performer?
I hear she also has large breasts too.
Now that I’ve been anointed as the Super Bowl entertainer, I figured I’d check in with you panty smears to see which team I should be rooting for this season.
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, KATIE WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME IS.
I don’t know who you are, or what kind of bubbly top-40 crap you sing, but this is a QUARTERBACK conversation and WE DON’T WANT YOUR KIND AROUND HERE.
Dude, this is what Katy Perry looks like:
Welcome to our conversation, Ms. Perry. It’s an honor to have you with us.
Save it, Slouchy McMoperstein. I wouldn’t bang you with Lady Gaga’s dick.
But I need to choose a favorite team to cheer for this season. One special team that I will support no matter whether they win, lose, or t…
NO NO NO DON’T SAY THAT WORD.
Why? What’s so bad about saying the word ti..?
SHUT YOUR AUTO-TUNED MOUTH! I don't want ANYONE saying the "T" word
Yesterday, the Engals-Bay and the Anthers-Pay finished overtime in a 37-37 Eye-Tay.
So now if any of us utter that word, then the wretched goat-horned porn-demon Sam Bradford will arise.
HE WILL SICKEN US ALL WITH HIS RANCID FILTH!
Ooh, ooh: “Things you say to announce that Papa John is catering your dinner party?”
You know, it’s appropriate that Katy Perry is here with us this week.
Because the rest of you jizzbuckets now have to FACE THE MUSIC, SINCE THE CLEVELAND BROWNS ARE SHOOTING TO THE TOP OF THE CHARTS, WHOOOO!
What… what is this weird feeling we have right now?
It’s called “Pride.”
WELL IT’S TOTALLY CREEPING US OUT.
HAHAHAHA. HOYER THE DESTROYER LED HIS “NEW-AND-IMPROVED” BROWNS TO A 31-10 ASSWHIPPING of THE “OLD-AND-CRAPPY” STEELERS!
BOOOOO! I HATE LOSING TO THE ORIGINAL RECIPE RAVENS!
Wait, so Cleveland has now won two games in a row?
Yep. Believe it or not, the Browns actually have a streak going.
Oh, they’re a brown streak all right.
Hey, that’s a funny joke, Mike Tomlin. You know what’s another funny joke? HOW YOUR SORRY SQUAD IS IN LAST PLACE IN THE AFC NORTH!
Sing it with me now: WHOOO LET THE DAWGS OUT? WHO?! WHO-WHO?!
You’re singing that old “Baja Men” song, Hoyer? Jeez, talk about a one-hit wonder.
Well, that’s still one more hit than the entire Buccaneers defense had yesterday.
THEY GAVE UP A LOT OF POINTS.
Oh, they didn’t give up points. JOE FLACCO TOOK ‘EM LIKE A TOTAL BADASS.
I PUMMELLED THOSE ASS PIRATES 48-17 HAHAHAHAHA.
THAT LOSS WAS NOT MY FAULT! My team’s crappy defense gave up FIVE passing TDs to that monobrowed mangina. All in the first quarter alone!
LOL MIKE GLENNON. WE DISPOSED OF YOU LIKE A KEY PIECE OF EVIDENCE IN THE RAY LEWIS MURDER TRIAL! WHOOOOO!
Geez, did Flacco really have 5 TDs in the first quarter?
Well then, welcome to the club, Joe Flacco. Your gold jacket will be sent out to you today.
Gold jacket? For what?
For officially being admitted into the “ELITE NFL QB CLUB”
REALLY? YOU… YOU MEAN IT?
Yep. You’ve earned it buddy. That was a magnificent performance yesterday.
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT BE FUCKING WITH ME AGAIN. My heart can’t take it.
Nope, we’re not messing with you, dude.
5 TDs in one quarter makes you officially elite in our book.
YES. YES YES YES YES YES! I’M FINALLY ELITE! THIS IS ALL I’VE EVER WANTED MY ENTIRE…
Wait, hold on. According to the box score, Flacco didn’t throw his fifth TD until the SECOND quarter.
Well, yeah, but it was only one measly minute into the 2nd quarter, so…
No elite for you.
HO-HUM. ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER VICTORY FOR PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING WITH THREE TDs OVER GENO SMITH AND HIS WAIVER WIRE CHOIR OF A TEAM.
Manning, you know that we kept that game DAMN close right up until the very end.
TOUGH TITTIES, SHITTY SMITTY. Everyone knows that "close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and roughing the passer calls.
BECAUSE THE REFS CALL AN R.T.P. PENALTY ANY TIME THE DEFENSE COMES EVEN A LITTLE BIT CLOSE TO PEYTON MANNING.
Hey Katy BigBoobs. Does it make your ladyparts all hot and tingly to know that next week, PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING WILL SET THE ALL TIME NFL RECORD FOR TOUCHDOWN PASSES?
Nope. But looking at your freak forehead makes me feel downright frigid.
Oh, so does that make you “Refrigerator Perry?”
Tee-hee. Because that was the name of a famous Bears payer from back in the 80’s…
Shut up Luck.
YOU’RE YESTERDAY’S NEWS, PEYTON MANNING. LET ME TELL YOU WHO THE LEAGUE’S NEW #1 QB IS:
7 hours ago . Like
ARE YOU READY? IT’S… IT’S…
6 hours ago . Like
IT’S… … …
5hours ago . Like
Go on. Take all the time you need. We got you covered.
4 hours ago . Like
IT’S “TONY GODDAMN ROMO.” THE FINEST QUARTERBACKING SPECIMEN THE NFL HAS EVER SEEN!
3 hours ago . Like
For crap’s sake Romo, YOU’RE NOT EVEN THE TOP TEAM IN THE NFC EAST AT THE MOMENT.
That honor belongs to NICKFOLIAN DYNAMITE and the high-flying 5-1 Eagles.
GET FUCKED, FOLES. I COULD’VE MADE THAT GAME A LOT CLOSER, IF I’D HAD MORE TIME IN THE POCK…
Manning, after that 27-0 SKULLFUCKING I gave you on national TV last night, aren’t you ashamed to show your face here?
With a face like his, he should be ashamed to show it anytime, anywhere.
Oh man, winning that game was even easier than we thought.
I mean, sure, we figured the Giants were nothing but a bunch of lifeless, brain-dead zombies, like in that TV show, "The View."
But we were surprised to learn that they’re also predictable and stupid, like that TV show, "The Walking Dead."
Well Katy Perry, in honor of your musical presence here today, let me remind everyone that it was RODGERS AND HAMMER-TIME yesterday down in Miami.
What a shocker. Rodger’s go-to musical reference is a flamboyant Broadway show.
THAT’S A GAY STEREOTYPE.
DID YOU GUYS SEE MY COME BACK ON THE ROAD?!?!?!
Ooh, ooh: “Things the driver of a mobile sperm bank van says when he loses a barrel on an interstate freeway?”
No, I’m talking about the THRILLING LAST-SECOND VICTORY I orchestrated over Ryan Tannehill and his D’oh Fins.
HAHAHAHA! IT WAS LIKE SHOOTING OVERRATED ORANGE AND TEAL FISH IN A BARREL!
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. WE HAD THAT GAME WON. Then our stupid defense COLLAPSED like a folding chair at Andy Reid’s house on Thanksgiving.
THERE ISN’T A TROMBONE IN THE WORLD SAD ENOUGH TO EXPRESS HOW UPSET I AM RIGHT NOW!
Hey Katy Perry: come spend one night with me to celebrate my 37-22 victory over the B-flat Bills yesterday.
Believe me, after I have you screaming those high “O” notes five or six times, you'll be a Patriots fan for life.
Brady, you idiot. "O" is not a note on the vocal scale.
Oh that's right. It's actually the score your crappy team puts up in primetime divisional games.
BRADY, NEED I REMIND YOU THAT I HAVE BEATEN YOU IN NOT ONE, BUT TWO SUPER BO…
Yep. When those Buffalo Gals came out last night, I sent ‘em shuffling off with my FOUR-COUNT-THEM-FOUR touchdown passes.
I WAS ON FIRE YESTERDAY!
Much like the genitals of any guy who spends a night with Cutler’s Mom.
A-WELL-A, EVERYBODY’S HEARD ABOUT THE BIRD,
A-WELL-A, BIRD-BIRD-BIRD, B-B-BIRD IS THE WORD!
3 hours ago . Like .
PETER GRIFFIN likes this
Tweet hello to the Arizona Cardinals, everyone. 4-1 AND ATOP THE NFC WEST!
AND NOW THERE’S NO MORE MUSICAL CHAIRS AT QUARTERBACK. CARSON PALMER IS BACK, TOSSIN’ TD’s AND RIPPIN’ REDSKINS DBs!
2 hours ago . Like
WAY TO GO KIRK COUSINS. Once again, you’ve let down our entire team with your piss-poor performance.
You threw THREE 4th quarter interceptions. You led our ‘Skins to their FOURTH straight defeat.
TELL ME, WHAT’S THE NEXT CRUSHING BLOW YOU’LL BE DELIVERING TO OUR TEAM?
That would be turning the offense back over to you, Gimpy McHas-Been
HAHAHA WE GAVE THOSE RACIST REDSKINS A THOROUGH ASS-REAMING
But it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry rape.
HI KATY PERRY. LET ME PLAY YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE:
“IN THE JUNGLE, THE MIGHTY JUNGLE, THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT…”
“AT THE VIKINGS, THE LOWLY VIKINGS, THE LIONS WON LAST NIGHT.”
“A WWEEMA WWAY, A WWEEMA WWAY, A WWEEMA WWAY, A WWEEMA WWAY…!”
You have too many “W”s, Stafford.
Ain’t that the truth.
This is THOROUGHLY UNACCEPTABLE.
I am meant to be a conquering hero in this barbaric sport, not suffer ignominious defeat to the likes of a puffy faced imbecile such as Matthew Stafford.
ROFL. NICE GAME THERE, TEDDY SUXPIN.
188 yards? No TDs? THREE DRIVE-KILLING INTERCEPTIONS?
HAHAHA THE DRUMMER FOR DEF LEPPARD COULD’VE PASSED BETTER THAN THAT WITH ONE ARM TIED BEHIND HIS BACK!
WHICH WOULD BE FUNNY, BECAUSE THAT GUY ONLY HAS ONE ARM, YOU SEE.
Wow. So it looks like all of the rookie QBs suck this year.
THAT’S NOT TRUE! I played AWESOME yesterday, I threw 4 TDs!
IT’S NOT FAIR. WITH SUCH AMAZING STATS, HOW DID I LOSE TO THE CHARGERS?
Well, sometimes a great individual performance can't make up for the rest of your team playing like brain damaged baboons.
I can confirm this.
Hey, my bye week was AWESOME you guys. I gleefully watched the Bears trounce Matt Ryan and the Falcons 27-13, AND I WAS JERKING OFF ALL THE WHILE!
But now I’m banned from Buffalo Wild Wings for life.
ba-dum-t...NO. THAT TERRIBLE GAG DOES NOT DESERVE MUSICAL PUNCTUATION.
WHAT A GAME! Me and my receivers made beautiful music all day, while Matt Ryan just sang songs in the key of ass.
IT WAS JUST ONE GAME. We’re not out of it yet, Captain Blacklung.
Sure we’re 2-4, but no one in the NFC South is playing good football right now.
In fact, we’d only be a game out of first if the Panthers had just lost to the Bengals yesterday instead of ending in a stupid tie.
1 hour ago . Like
GODDAMMIT RYAN. YOU SAID THE WORD!
(appears in a puff of powdered KY jelly)
A tie? Did I hear that the Bengals and the Panthers played to a tie?
NO. GO AWAY.
Well, you know what they say about two cat teams playing to a tie on a music-themed weekend, right?
WE DON’T CARE.
A tie between cat teams on a music-themed weekend is like hollowing out your grandmother’s “Hello Kitty” dildo, putting it between your lips, and blowing into it like a makeshift kazoo…
… while simultaneously shoving a half pound of kitty litter up your peehole, so that when you shake your testicles they sound like maracas…
…all the while sliding a harmonica up and down your asscrack and sharting out a brown, wet, runny version of Katy Perry’s hit single “Roar.”
Eh, it’d still sound better than anything that Taylor Swift skank has ever recorded.
Hey guys, I just thought of another funny joke.
Since we’re all talking about music, I guess you could say that the Bengals had the “Eye of the TIE-ger.”
Do you get it? Because that’s a famous 80’s song, and a Bengal is a kind of tiger, so…
Shut up Luck.
Get fucked, Luck
IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE THEN IT ISN’T FUNNY, ANDREW LUCK.
Okay, all you Camp Town Ladies, I'm out of here.
Wait Katy Perry. Have you made a decision about what team to root for?
Yep. After discovering that I find all of you to be insufferable douchenozzles, I have chosen the Jacksonville Jaguars as the team I will be rooting for the rest of the year.
YAY! WE FINALLY WIN AT SOMETHING!
Why the hell would you root for that winless bunch of hairballs?
What can I tell you? I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for total losers
Well personally I’m glad you’ll be singing at this year’s big game, Katy Perry
I thought Bruno Mars was an AWFUL halftime performer at the last Super Bowl.
That’s because from your point of view, it was more of a postgame concert.
WILSON, I WILL BARRICADE YOU INSIDE YOUR SEAHAWKS LOCKER WITH NOTHING BUT A STRAIGHT RAZOR AND A BOOMBOX PLAYING “JUSTIN BIEBER’S GREATEST HITS” ON A CONTINUOUS LOOP TO SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES YOU TO SLIT YOUR WRISTS.
I put the over/under at three minutes.
October 15, 2014 at 3:32 pm
Best Bradford explanation of a tie. EVER! And I’ll go under 3 minutes.
October 14, 2014 at 12:38 am
What’s with the underlining?
Second half of the convo and all the comments…
Bolt Up Hero
October 14, 2014 at 8:10 am
Think that’s just you
October 13, 2014 at 9:46 pm
As a Giants fan, I was disappointed at the lack of disappointed archie and Eli getting sacked trying to explain bad OL play.
October 13, 2014 at 8:45 pm
New here, thought this was funny as hell. Had me laughing my ass off.
October 13, 2014 at 7:46 pm
Ummmm no qb can beat joe’s time I mean he get five tds in 16 minute. Old record was ben and it was 28 min…..
October 14, 2014 at 11:13 am
ummm you’re wrong
TB12 got 5 TD’s in a quarter
Typical Seahawk Fan
October 13, 2014 at 7:01 pm
This is bullshit!! The refs screwed us and the 12th man wasn’t loud enough!!!! Fuck this! Now I gotta buy a cowboys jersey to go with my chargers jersey! Go Cowboys!! Romo’s #1!
October 13, 2014 at 5:31 pm
Definitely one of the best ones… Need a Taylor Swift catfight going on.
October 13, 2014 at 4:20 pm
This is a good one. Good jokes, and the transitions between which games/players are the focus of the convo didn’t seem forced like they sometimes do. Thanks for the laughs.
October 13, 2014 at 1:23 pm
October 13, 2014 at 1:00 pm
Derek Carr had 1 INT. It was the game ending INT too. How do you miss that.
October 13, 2014 at 3:30 pm
Thanks for the catch. FIXED!
October 13, 2014 at 6:17 pm
Also please fix where it says “Rodger’s go-to musical”. It should be “Rodgers’ go-to musical.”
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