CLIPPITY-CLOP MOTHERFUCKERS! FOOTBALL IS BACK!
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
AND GUESS WHO WON BY A NOSE IN THE BATTLE OF THE HORSE TEAMS? PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING, THAT’S WHO!
6 hours ago . Like
Congratulations on a well-deserved win, Mr. Manning. It was an honor to compete against you.
Good god, Luck, You're got your face so far up Manning’s ass you must be tasting his breakfast.
HAHA ANDREW LUCK! I POUNDED YOU LIKE A KARDASHIAN!
On a pile of money and cocaine?
No Wes Welker? No Eric Decker? NO PROBLEM FOR PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING.
MY RECEIVING CORPS IS MORE WELL-STOCKED THAN JIM IRSAY’S MEDICINE CABINET. WHOOO!!!!!
Hey, here’s a fun game: every AFC East QB who can still go 16-0 this year, step forward.
NOT SO FAST THERE, TOM BRADY. LOLOLOLOL
YOU SHUT YOUR BLOWHOLE TANNEHILL, OR I WILL SHRED YOU LIKE THE KNEE OF A ST. LOUIS RAMS QUARTERBACK.
Oh, don’t worry Brady. You can still go 0-16 and get that perfect season. ROFL.
Yessss. Join ussssss.
Oh man, WHAT A GAME. We bullied the Patriots like they were 46 Jonathan Martins.
And the phrase “last place New England Patriots” sure does have a nice ring to it.
Good, because it’s the only ring they’ll be getting this season.
I HOPE YOU SWALLOW A BEE, TANNEHILL.
Don’t be so bitter, Brady. Remember, you’re just a lowly 6th round draft pick. You can’t possibly be expected to compete with a first round talent like me.
WHICH IS WHY MY WINNING STREAK AGAINST YOU NOW STANDS AT TWO GAMES HAHAHA.
TANNEHILL, YOU AREN’T WORTH THE CORN IN MY STOOL, AND YOU KNOW IT.
This isn't fair! I'm supposed to be the elite QB here, yet somehow I've now lost two straight games to a little 3rd-year upstart?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THIS MAKES ME FEEL?
Like Aaron Rodgers?
WILSON, I WILL SEND YOU FLYING THROUGH THE AIR LIKE J.J. WATT SMASHING THROUGH A LINE OF FLIMSY REDSKINS BLOCKERS!
Well you certainly can’t blame the replacement refs for your loss to Seattle this time, Rodgers.
BUT I HAVE TO BLAME SOMEONE. THERE MUST BE A LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR WHY THE SEAHAWKS KEEP WINNING.
Because they have a talented young roster and outstanding team chemistry?
(chews gum violently in agreement)
Oh please. DOES AARON RODGERS HAVE TO DISCOUNT-DOUBLE CHOKE A BITCH?
There HAS to be something more to it than that.
I mean, look, the SheHawks got lucky last year and stumbled their way to a fluke Super Bowl win. Fine.
But this is a NEW season, and those flappy bastards should be reverting back to their losing ways by now, not defeating THE MIGHTY AARON RODGERS.
I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I SOLVE THIS MYSTERY!
Well I certainly enjoyed a nice, easy rest down in Texas this weekend.
Boy, it sure was nice of the NFL to schedule one last warm-up game for us against the Cowboys this week before our REAL games started. HAHAHA.
COLIN KAEPERNICK, I HOPE YOUR TURTLE CRAPS A BUNCH OF TINY LITTLE TURDS INTO YOUR BOWL OF RAISIN OATMEAL.
Hey, that sure was a nice game you had yesterday, Romo. Three picks in the first half?
What, were you were trying to earn your Girl Scout badge for “Failure?” 'Cause if so, then MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Aw, give Romo a break Kaepernick. It’s not easy to win when the entire crowd is cheering against you.
But the Cowboys were the home team.
5 hours ago . Like
My statement still applies.
THIS IS A REFERENCE TO THE FACT THAT THE STANDS AT AT&T STADIUM WERE FILLED WITH A DISPROPORTIONATELY LARGE NUMBER OF 49ers FANS.
You were just lucky, Kaepernick! If we didn’t commit a bunch of early turnovers, then WE would have won!
Yeah, and if your ass was split horizontally, there'd be a clapping sound from your buttcheeks when you scramble.
Which would have been the only applause the Cowboys would have heard yesterday.
AGAIN, BECAUSE THE CROWD IN DALLAS WAS DISPROPORTIONATELY CHEERING FOR THE 49ers.
So Romo made a bunch of dumb mistakes and the Cowboys lost a game? Okay, that makes perfect sense.
BUT THERE’S NO EXPLAINING HOW THE GODDAMN SEAHAWKS KEEP WINNING ALL THEIR GODDAMN GAMES!
Look guys, it’s the first week of the regular season, and we’re all still getting warmed up here, so let’s try to keep things calm, respectful, and fuck the Ravens.
All I heard was “Fuck the Ravens”
ME TOO. PLUS SOME OTHER STUFF BEFORE THAT.
DAMMITT. You just got LUCKY, Dalton. We nearly came back to win our game against you yesterday.
OH, IF ONLY I’D PULLED IT OUT IN TIME!
Ooh, ooh. “Things Jay Cutler’s dad said when he first saw baby Jay in the delivery room?”
GODDAMMIT, JOE FLACCO.
I TOLD YOU, I'M ONLY HERE TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE I RETIRE. AND YOU’VE ALREADY MANAGED TO FUCK UP BY LOSING OUR FIRST GAME?
SO HELP ME, IF YOU DON'T GET ME A SUPER BOWL RING THIS YEAR, I WILL TEAR YOU APART YOU LIKE JADEVEON CLOWNEY’S TISSUE-THIN MENISCUS.
‘Scuse me, Fellas. I just need to complete my check list after my game yesterday against the Saints.
SUCKS: DREW BREES
Oh yeah? Well FUCK: YOU!
Hey Brees, remember when you threw that interception into the end zone that allowed my Falcons to mount our big comeback? ROFL
Hey Ryan. Remember when your 13-3 record in 2012 was followed by a Super Bowl appearance for your team? Yeah, me neither.
What was that, Gash-Face? Sorry, I couldn't hear you from your pit all the way down there at the bottom of our division.
QUIT BEING RUDE TO HIM, MATT RYAN!
If you have anything mean to say to my buddy Drew Brees, than you can just say it to me first, buster!
Okay, fine. Both of you (a) look goofy as fuck, and (b) royally suck at throwing a football.
DAMMITT ROMO, IF I WANT YOUR HELP, I'LL ASK FOR IT!
And if you do ask for it, Romo’s help will probably get intercepted on its way to you.
I hope everyone realizes that I set the Falcons SINGLE-GAME PASSING RECORD of 448 yards in that game!
And you know what they say about Atlanta Falcons single-game passing records, right?
Let me guess: it’s something perverted like “installing a pop-up rotating dildo into the seat cushion of your paternal grandmother’s motorized scooter to give her an 11-inch vaginal surprise during her trip to Wal-Mart?”
No, silly. Your MATERNAL grandmother. Wow, I’ll bet you feel stupid now.
You know who doesn’t feel stupid? ME, AFTER COCKSLAPPING ALEX SMITH AND THE CHIEFS YESTERDAY. BOO-YAH!
Enjoy your piddly little triumph, Locker. That lucky-ass victory is probably 50% of the total wins you’re going to get this season anyway.
ALEX SMITH IS USING MATH TO COMICALLY PREDICT THAT THE TITANS WILL ONLY WIN THREE GAMES THIS YEAR.
Two games, Ben.
YES PHILIP RIVERS. TO THE GAMES, INDEED.
Meanwhile, I gave Derek Carr and the Raiders 1/16 of the total losses that they will have in 2014.
4 hours ago . Like
NOW GENO SMITH IS USING A MATH FRACTION TO PREDICT, IF MY CALCULATIONS ARE CORRECT, THAT THE RAIDERS WILL GO 4-12 THIS SEASON.
Ben, by any chance, were you out sexually harassing pretty girls the day they taught math in grade school?
WAY TO LOSE THE GAME FOR US, CARR!
That should have been ME out there starting at QB, not some snot faced rook-tard.
Oh, get fucked with a shovel, Schaub.
Seven years ago, you replaced my big brother as the starting QB on the Texans.
WELL PAYBACK IS A BITCH, AND SO ARE YOU, NIPPLEDICK.
4 hours ago . Like .
DAVID CARR likes this
OH YEAH? WELL THE CYCLE CONTINUES, NOODLEARM. BECAUSE I HEARD THAT MY TWO-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER JUST REPLACED YOUR SON IN A GAME OF DUCK-DUCK-GOOSE AT THEIR PRESCHOOL!
YEAH, WELL I HEARD SHE THREW A PICK-6 IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT TOO!
How do you throw a “pick-6” in a game of Duck-Duck-Goose?
She’s a Schaub. She found a way.
You know what I found a way to do? HUMILIATE JAY CUTLER AND THE BEARS IN OVERTIME ON HIS OWN FIELD. HAHAHAHA.
Trust me Manuel, your feeble little mind cannot grasp the intensity of the fuck that I do not give about you.
You wanna talk humiliation? Did all you weak-armed scrotum poles see my 67-YARD TD RUN yesterday?
I BLEW RIGHT PAST THOSE RAMS DEFENDERS LIKE THEY WERE ALL BRAZILIAN GOALTENDERS. WHOOOO!
I AM CLEARLY THE GREATEST PLAYER TO WEAR #84 IN MINNESOTA VIKINGS HISTORY!
Gee, I sure do feel bad for those poor Rams. Now that Shaun Hill is hurt, they’ve lost two starting QBs.
Sounds like they’re going to be in the market for a veteran free agent in the next few days.
Really? Maybe I could…
HAHAHA JOHNNY MAN-SEAL MY STEELERS BEAT YOU 30-27
SO GO EAT SOME MACKEREL AND BASK ON AN ICEBERG, MAN-SEAL BECAUSE NOW I’M 1-0 IN OUR DIVISION.
Hey, don’t blame me. My dumbass coach started Brian What’s-His-Name at QB. That’s why we got shut out.
You didn’t get shut out. Hoyer almost brought your team back with a huge second half rally.
Really? Huh. Boy, I guess you miss some stuff when you’re doing blow with the cheerleaders under the bench for most of the game.
Wait, the Browns don’t have cheerleaders.
Or any reason to cheer, for that matter.
Well, allow me to show you what you missed, Manziel:
Hiiii-YAH! SPECIAL TEAMS-SPARTA KICK MAKES PUNTER GO BOOM!
Somehow, I’m going to figure out a way to fine Brandon Meriweather for that.
SO GO AND BALANCE A BALL ON YOUR NOSE, MAN-SEAL, BECAUSE MY STEELERS DOMINATED YOU!
Ben, you understand that Johnny Manziel is not actually a seal, right?
To be fair, he’s not actually a football player either.
So Cleveland lost their opening game of the season? See, now, that is normal.
BUT WHAT’S NOT NORMAL IS HOW THE STUPID SEAHAWKS KEEP WINNING ALL THEIR STUPID GAMES.
ALL HAIL THE 1-0 PHILADELPHIA EAGLES. SUPER BOWL TEAM OF DESTINY!
Fine, I’ll bite. What makes you a team of destiny?
Think about it: the Ravens won the Super Bowl after the 2012 season. Then the Seahawks won it after 2013.
3 hours ago . Like
And since these things always come in 3’s… IT’S TIME FOR A BIRD TEAM TRIFECTA.
Yes, but couldn’t that mean the Falcons will win the Super Bowl?
Or the Cardinals?
Sorry, I should have specified. A bird team with a NON spazz-tard at QB.
Okay fine, Foles. You dropped us to 0-1. BUT JUST WAIT ‘TIL NEXT YEAR!
A bit early for you to be throwing in the towel on the season, isn’t it Henne?
Usually the Jaguars wait until they’re at least 0-2 before they start checking mock drafts for next season.
I THINK WE'RE GETTING AWAY FROM THE MAIN POINT HERE, WHICH IS: HA HA, FUCK THE PATRIOTS, THEY SUCK NOW, LOL!
GODDAMMIT. We only lost to those annoying Dolphins because I let my beard grow out.
I was just trying to give Matt Schaub’s wife a nice warm place to sit after I beat her husband’s Raiders in 2 weeks.
But instead I caught the Andrew Luck/Ryan Fitzpatrick “Ugly Beard = Losing Game” curse.
That’s not fair. I WON yesterday.
True, but that was against the Redskins. Outscoring RGIII is not so much a victory as it is a mere formality.
FUCK YOU WITH A POWER DRILL, FOLES
AND DOUBLE-FUCK YOU WITH A BUZZSAW, TANNEHILL
Aw, poor, poor Brady. It doesn't sound like you're handling your new role as the division doormat very well.
Oh, and Brady, we all know the rules. I kicked your ass on the field, so now your wife has to come to my house tonight.
Why? What are you going to do Tannehill, braid each other’s hair and watch Ryan Gosling movies? We all know your dick is as limp and useless as Alex Smith's right arm.
Well personally, I am STILL erect after my victory over Indy last night.
After 15 years in the league, Indianapolis was the only NFL team I had never beaten. UNTIL NOW.
It’s like I always said: I’ll never live to see the day that Peyton Manning beats the Colts.
Holy crap, THAT’S IT. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before!
The most obvious answer to any problem is usually the correct one, right?
Indeed. My friend Occam told me that once while he was shaving.
So what’s the most obvious answer as to why the Seahawks keep winning? Well, just look at the facts:
On the morning of the Seattle-Denver Super Bowl, Philip Seymour Hoffman died.
Then, the morning of my game against the Seahawks last week, Joan Rivers died.
So what are you saying?
Obviously, THE SEAHAWKS HAVE MADE AN UNHOLY BLOOD PACT WITH SATAN TO SACRIFICE CELEBRITY DEATHS FOR VICTORIES.
Hmm. That does sort of make sense, in a stupid, “no-sense-making” kind of way.
WE HAVE TO STOP THE SEAHAWKS FROM WINNING ANY MORE GAMES SO THEY CAN’T MURDER ANY MORE CELEBRITIES!
Unless of course the celebrity in question is Justin Bieber. In which case, GO ‘HAWKS!
3 hours ago . Like .
ORLANDO BLOOM likes this
Isn’t it nice that despite our differences, we can all agree that the Seattle Seahawks should definitely murder Justin Bieber?
Yep. And another thing that we can all agree on is WHOO-HOO, FOOTBALL IS FINALLY BACK.
And, naturally, we also agree that regardless of anyone else’s records, when the New England Patriots lose, we ALL win.
FUCK ALL OF YOU! AND FUCK YOU RYAN TANNEHILL IN PARTICULAR!
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January 3, 2015 at 4:54 pm
Wow they predicted the future.
Alex Smith: “Enjoy your piddly little triumph, Locker. That lucky-ass victory is probably 50% of the total wins you’re going to get this season anyway.”
The Titans only won two games this year, although only that one was the only one with Locker as QB.
September 10, 2014 at 7:36 am
Someone should tell Ben that Derek Carr plays for the Raiders lol.
September 10, 2014 at 7:35 am
Someone should tell Ben that David Carr plays for the Raiders lol.
September 10, 2014 at 5:00 am
All you quarterbacks souls belong to me. Also Texans play Oakland where I get to murder carr and Schaub in one game!
September 9, 2014 at 9:54 pm
Can we please get rid of Heil Hitler guy. It was funny. Once. But now it’s just offensive and annoying.
September 9, 2014 at 7:36 pm
And if it wasn’t enough for one guy to post Heil Hitler like 20,000 times, then Copycat had to do it too. WTF?
Guy Who Hates Russell Wilson
September 9, 2014 at 6:45 pm
^No I didn’t. Fuck you CD guy and Russell Wilson.
The comments section needs moderation. Or a “report post to moderators” flag.
Either way, it would be better if it was cleaned up some.
September 9, 2014 at 6:05 pm
I confess; I was the asshole who posted the Hitler string. And I want to play the #2 hole to some hot man’s ground and pound game; maybe on a full sweep with frenulum flick.
First World Problems
September 9, 2014 at 5:51 pm
Fuck that asshole who posted Heil Hitler a million times! Because of him I had to spend an extra 20 seconds scrolling just to put this comment.
BELIEVE IN BRIAN
September 9, 2014 at 4:55 pm
Add Brian Hoyer to these convos!
September 9, 2014 at 2:48 pm
Not a mention about the Bucs getting owned by the Panthers backup QB?
Also, I expected a Randy Moss line after Patterson’s statement lol
Other than that, this convo made my day!
Guy who Hates Russell Wilson
September 9, 2014 at 1:11 pm
Noooooo!!!!!! I love Justin Bieber.
September 9, 2014 at 11:07 am
Ghost of Joan Rivers makes a guest appearance already?? Awesome.
September 9, 2014 at 10:23 am
I must concur, if Biebs is on the list GO HAWKS!!!
September 9, 2014 at 4:49 am
Indeed. My friend Occam told me that once while he was shaving.”.
September 9, 2014 at 2:28 am
So when, if it hasn’t happened already, will Ben Roethlisberger pop in with a “Hi I’m Be- … Ben Roethlisberger”?
September 8, 2014 at 11:32 pm
No mention of that rookie Josh McCown going down to a 2nd string QB in Derek Anderson?
Other than that, great QB convo as usual.
September 8, 2014 at 9:53 pm
Because you can hit Mary but not mary jane.
September 8, 2014 at 9:41 pm
WHY THE FUCK DID IT TAKE A VIDEO TO GET THAT PIECE OF SHIT RAY RICE OUT OF THE LEAGUE
WE ALL KNEW WHAT HAPPENED
NFL KNEW WHAT HAPPENED
DID THEY NEED TO GET COLD COCKED BY A VIDEO TO WAKE THE FUCK UP
2 GAMES SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG
OH SHIT VIDEOS OUT
September 8, 2014 at 6:37 pm
We’re now officially Ray-less.
September 8, 2014 at 6:02 pm
I’m sensing a pattern here. The RAYvens have a lot of players called RAY who commit crimes. Okay, two. But that’s two more than most teams.
September 8, 2014 at 5:53 pm
I’m a seahawks fan. I can confirm we sacrifice people so we win.
September 8, 2014 at 5:11 pm
We won a Super Bowl after Ray Lewis murdered someone…Ray Rice’s left hook ought to be worth a playoff spot, at least.
JJ Watt eats burritos bigger than Ray Rice
September 8, 2014 at 4:37 pm
No mention of Ray Rice?
September 8, 2014 at 4:23 pm
I was hoping there would be a Beast Mode appearance after he torched the Pack. I guess not.
September 8, 2014 at 2:35 pm
Also, I thought Drew Brees would be more pissed that Marques LOLston gave the Falcons the game with that fumble in overtime.
September 8, 2014 at 2:22 pm
I was hoping they would make a reference to Joe Flacco not being elite because he lost to the Bengals! But still pretty funny convo this week.
September 8, 2014 at 1:36 pm
“Don’t be so bitter, Brady. Remember, you’re just a lowly 6th round draft pick. You can’t possibly be expected to compete with a first found talent like me.”
should end with, “first round talent like me.”
September 8, 2014 at 1:23 pm
FINALLY! Now that the Football that counts is back, so are the NFL QBs on FB Convos that count!
September 8, 2014 at 1:17 pm
Anyone else feel like you are almost reading the same thing week after week. Just fuck you… no fuck you. fuck you eat shit blah blah blah. Few good liners here and there but man could be shortened up. Less is more.
September 8, 2014 at 1:14 pm
God that beard Brady has is fucking ugly as hell. If he wanted to look like a cave man like Andrew luck he sure as hell has accomplished that.
Ryche And Roll
September 8, 2014 at 12:00 pm
Fantastic Opener! Rolling all the way through it…
Russell Wilson – Classic as ever
Ghost of Joan Rivers – a big “Wow, they went there” moment
Antonio Brown to Goodell bit – Fan-freakin’- Tastic!
Keep up the great work PFM!
September 8, 2014 at 11:58 am
Oh yeah, i forgot! 1-0 in the AFC East after my team beat the Patriots
September 8, 2014 at 11:43 am
The return of Johnny the Man-Seal! I’ve been waiting for that since the moment I read the intercepted texts!
September 8, 2014 at 11:28 am
Minor correction – it’s Occam’s razor. But great reference!
September 8, 2014 at 11:25 am
Russell Wilson never fails to steal the show–had me ROLLING!
September 8, 2014 at 11:19 am
(Chews gum violently in agreement)… That was the line of the week
Am I First?
September 8, 2014 at 10:55 am
September 8, 2014 at 10:54 am
September 8, 2014 at 10:46 am
Great Season Opener!
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