No receivers? No defense? NO PROBLEM, BITCHES.
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
Because I’m Tom Brady, and I have FOUR WINS AND NO LOSSES.
6 hours ago . Like
FUCK OFF BRADY. You almost blew that game last night and you know it.
The only thing that got blown last night was me, by your wife Ryan.
TAKE THAT BACK. MY WIFE WOULD NEVER BLOW YOU
I’m sorry Mattie. He beat you on your home field. The NFL rules are very specific on this.
It was a pleasure, Matt Ryan’s Wife. We’ll have to do this again if your husband makes it to the Super Bowl.
I’m kidding of course. The Falcons aren’t going to the playoffs.
SHUT UP, BRADY. We were only ten yards away from a tying touchdown.
Yeah, you managed to close the gap slightly toward the end there. Too bad you couldn’t finish the deed.
Unlike me with your wife.
MATT RYAN YOU DRIPPY DOUCHE OF A MAN!
Hey Tony. I know you’re mad about the loss last night but …
WHAT PART OF “GET ME TO THE SUPER BOWL IN THIS, MY FINAL SEASON OR I WILL REACH DOWN YOUR THROAT, GRAB YOUR SPLEEN, AND YANK YOU INSIDE OUT ” DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
Most of the end part.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO INVOLVE ME IN THE PASSING GAME LAST NIGHT!
I DID! I COMPLETED 12 PASSES TO YOU FOR 149 YARDS AND 2 TD’S! WHAT ELSE DID YOU WANT?
One more for 10 yards at the end there would’ve been nice.
HAHA. Sounds like you got Pat-Smacked on national TV, Ryan.
“Sounds like?” You didn’t watch the game?
HELL NO. I was watching “Breaking Bad” last night.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED! I have it on my DVR to watch tonight.
Oh man, it was EPIC. Especially when Walt and Jesse shot laser beams at the Nazis while riding on the backs of those reanimated dinosaurs? I was NOT expecting that to happen.
SHUT UP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY SPOILERS!
What the hell is “Breaking Bad”
The story of a simple man who rises to become world famous at his craft, then loses everything and becomes a wretched husk of a failure.
ROFL ROFL ROFL
Screw you guys. I’m leaving.
WAIT ELI. Don’t go. We invited you here for a reason.
What? To make fun of me and my 0-4 record?
No, not that.
Well, not just that.
Eli, pumpkin, we’re all concerned about you. So we’ve asked you to join us in this convo today for a…
What? An intervention?
More of an “intervenception.”
BECAUSE YOU THROW SO MANY BLOODY PICKS, GUV’NAH
WE PLAYED IN GERMANY YESTERDAY, WHICH IS WHY I’M USING A GERMAN ACCENT, YOU SEE.
Great Britain, Ben.
Thanks Cam. Great Brittin’ to you too.
Aaaaaanyway, you guys were discussing Eli’s “intervenception?”
Pumpkin, please listen. You know your family loves you very, very much.
I can take him or leave him.
I felt warmly towards when he won those Super Bowls. Now, not so much.
But Elisha, after seeing you fumble and bumble away four straight games, it’s clear that you’ve… become addicted to turnovers.
I AM NOT ADDICTED TO TURNOVERS
Denial. That’s the surest sign there is.
Look, I appreciate your concern, but it’s not my fault we lost yesterday. I threw for a whopping 651 feet and had less than four total turnovers.
In other words, you threw for a measely 217 yards and committed three turnovers
I prefer my phrasing.
HERE I AM LADIES! AND I BROUGHT MY FRIENDS “FOUR” AND “OH” WITH ME! HAHAHAHA
Get BBQ poisoning, Smith.
Let me just point out to all you gals that if you add up the victories of Eli Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Ryan, AND COLIN KRAPADICK, you still wouldn’t have the win total of my undefeated Chiefs.
And if you added all of their weights together, you still wouldn’t have even one of Andy Reid’s thighs.
IT’S-AH FUNNY BECAUSE ANDY REID IS-AH SO FAT LIKE A BIG PIZZ-AH PIE!
That’s an Italian accent, Ben. Sort of.
The Chiefs are on a ROLL, bitches! The playoffs are an absolute certainty for us now.
5 hours ago . Like .
last year’s 4-0 Arizona Cardinals disagree
HA. You think my Broncos are scared of you, Smith? You beat the GIANTS yesterday. Everyone beats that leaderless squad of bumbling boobs.
5 hours ago . Like
This is not a good intervention so far.
Look Eli, I’m your big brother. I know you’re going through a rough time right now. So there’s something I really want you to hear:
I THREW FOR ANOTHER FOUR TD’S YESTERDAY AS MY BRONCOS ROLLED UP 52 POINTS ON THE EAGLES!
How is that supposed to help me?
I didn’t say it would help you. I just said I wanted you to hear it.
GREAT JOB, FAVORED SON!
You were more on fire yesterday than Skyler White was last night when she got roasted by that medieval dragon in “Breaking Bad.”
STOP TELLING ME WHAT HAPPENS!
GOD-DAYUM, has any QB ever had a better start to a season than me this year? 4-0 WITH 16 TDS!
That, little ladies, is what’s called being ALPHA AS FUCK.
Until you get to the playoffs. Where you’re usually crushed into alpha-bits.
NOT THIS YEAR, BUTT-CHIN. Not only am I on pace to shatter your single season TD record, but I think I've also completely forgotten how to throw interceptions.
Ask Joe Flacco. He can remind you .
EES FUNNY BECAUSE JOSE FLACCO THREW CINCO EENTERCEPTSHUNS JESTERDAY.
That’s Mexican, Ben. I think.
Oh Flacco, that was a beautiful clusterfuck of failure yesterday. Each of your picks was less elite than the last.
YOU CANNOT TALK TO ME LIKE THIS. I AM THE SUPER BOWL’S REIGNING M.V.P.
Now you just rain I.N.T.s
Hey Flacco, my defense wanted me thank you for inviting them to your Pick Party yesterday.
It was so thoughtful of you to bring enough for everyone. HAHAHA.
Wow. E.J. Manuel. You managed to beat a Super Bowl MVP in the first month of your career.
Nice job rookie. That’s downright elite play.
HOW THE HELL IS HE ELITE FOR BEATING A SUPER BOWL MVP, BUT I’M NOT ELITE FOR ACTUALLY BEING THE SUPER BOWL MVP?
All I head was “blah-blah-blah, I’m not elite, blah-blah-blah”
See Eli? Flacco can admit to his horribleness. Why can’t you?
I’M NOT HORRIBLE. I’m just having a slump, is all
No sweetie. You’re horrible.
A failure in every sense of the word
THIS IS NOT HOW I’VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE INTERVENTIONS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK.
It’s an “intervenception” dear. The rules are slightly different
Just like the rules are different when you play football in Germany.
3 hours ago . Like
You played in London, Ben
Are you sure, ya hoser? ‘Cause the scoreboard said we lost to the Vikings by 7 points, but I’m pretty sure that in the metric system, we actually won by aboot 10, eh?
No, you lost. And now you’re doing a Canadian accent.
Congratulations Roethlisberger. You’ve managed to spread your suck across two separate continents this season.
Hey, cheer up B-Rott. Sure you’re 0-4 and your team is off to its worst start in 45 years. But at least you don’t lead the league in interceptions like my brother Eli.
That’s Wookie, Ben.
Hey, Eli. You know what’s weird? So far this season, you’ve thrown for 1,148 yards more than I have. YET WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME NUMBER OF WINS. HAHAHAHA
WHY DOES NO ONE IN MY FAMILY KNOW HOW TO GIVE A PROPER INTERVENTION?
POEM TIME, BITCHES!
Roses are red, violets are blue. Brandon Weeden has no wins, but I now have TWO. AHAHAHAHA
Like I care. I just need to keep this gig until next season when my social security kicks in.
001101 110111 011110 0011010 00
What the hell was that?
I’m pretty sure that’s binary-code language for “because he’s so old, you see.”
I BEAT ANDY DALTON’S BENGALS YESTERDAY. THAT MEAN MY BROWNS ARE NOW IN FIRST PLACE!
You’re in a TIE for first place, squid-dick. You don’t have sole possession.
Then we're even Gingernuts, because you don't possess a soul.
Holy crap. Is Cleveland really tied for first place after four games?
Wow. That’s almost as surprising as when Walt Jr. tore off his flesh-face and revealed he’d actually been an alien cyborg all this time on Breaking Bad last night.
(fingers in ears) LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA NOT LISTENING
‘SUP PUSSY WAFFLES?!?!
Beat it, Rodgers. Bye week bitches aren’t welcome in these convos.
TOO BAD. You think I’m going to miss a chance to revel in Russell Wilson’s misery after Schaub’s Texans POUNDED him for his first loss yesterday? HAHAHAHAHA.
SORRY TO HEAR YOU GOT DROPPED TO 3-1 WILSON. BUT IT’S APPROPRIATE, WHAT WITH YOU BEING 3 FEET 1 INCH TALL AND EVERYTHING.
Rodgers, I’m gonna take a shot in the dark here and guess that you turned the Seahawks game off at halftime?
I had to. I was busy spray-paining “3-1. SUCK IT LOSERS” at the top of Seattle’s Space Needle.
Yeah well, you should know that Wilson and the Seahawks actually came back to win that game.
HAHAHA. GOOD ONE. Next you’ll be telling me that they scored 17 unanswered second half points, forced overtime, then got into position for the winning field game thanks to a highly questionable call by the officials? YEAH, RIGHT.
Actually, that’s exactly what happened.
OH FUCK ME!
“Things Cutler’s Mom has tattooed on the insides of her thighs?”
LOLOLOLOL. Nice Game Schaub. That’s three straight weeks that you’ve gift wrapped a pick-6 to your opponent.
2 hours ago . Like
That reminds me of a tongue twister my Grandma taught me when I was little:
“How many picks will a Matt Schaub flick before he flicks his 6th Pick-6?”
Ooh, I know this. The answer’s 5, right?
The answer is 6, Stafford.
Ah. A trick question, eh?
Well you, your Grandma, and her oddly specific tongue twisters can all choke on a giant bag of dicks, Newton.
Hey Schaub: I’m rubber you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me, sticks to an opposing defensive back, and gets returned for a game-winning TD.
Look, you CANNOT blame me for that loss! I had a full 232 more yards passing than Russell Wilson did yesterday!
And one less win.
DON’T BE SO SMUG, WILSON. YOU DIDN’T EVEN THROW A SINGLE TOUCHDOWN TO YOUR TEAM!
I didn’t have to. You did it for me.
I WILL BURY 6 PICK-AXES DIRECTLY INTO YOUR TINY, SMURF-LIKE SKULL, WILSON!
See Eli? You don’t have to be ashamed. Matt Schaub, Joe Flacco, and Ben Roethlisberger are all having crappy seasons just like you.
Granted, you’re the worst of all of them, but at least you have company.
DAD! MAKE PEYTON GIVE ME A PROPER INTERVENTION!
Who are you calling “Dad?” NO SON OF MINE LEADS THE NFL IN INTERCEPTIONS.
That’s why I now tell people that I only have one son, because I can’t bear to admit that my other one is an enormous bag of failure with an awful haircut.
Sigh. You have THREE sons, Dad.
QUIET, YOU. We’ll have the “You’re-adopted-vention” for you next week.
Well I’m having my VICTORY-VENTION this week, because I passed for 401 YARDS AGAINST ROMO’S COWBOYS.
I’ve now joined Dan Fous and John Hadl as the only Chargers QB’s with 200 career touchdowns!
And you’ve tied them for Super Bowl victories as well.
Hey Romo, is the hotel you stayed at in San Diego yesterday going to sue you?
What? No. Why?
Well they can’t be happy with you after the way you shit the bed yesterday. ROFL.
HOW IS THAT LOSS MY FAULT? I’M NOT THE ONE WHO GAVE UP 400 YARDS PASSING
Well, you’re not the one who gained 400 yards passing either.
Look, My Cowboys are still on top of our division. And being 2-2 isn’t so bad.
We’ll be fine as long as we can avoid having our shitty pass defense play against any hot QBs.
So who do we play next week, anyway?
Right here, Chuckles.
Goddammit. Well, BEING 2-3 ISN’T SO BAD.
Look out Romo. Because my ‘Skins are charging up fast behind you in the standings.
1 hour ago . Like
You spelled “finally managed to win a game” wrong, Griffin.
You beat the Raiders, Griffin.
Defeating the Raiders is as easy as defeating Godzilla was for Marie after she moved to Japan and became a monster-fighting ninja in last night’s Breaking Bad
I HATE YOU GUYS!
So you finally won a game, Griffin? Oh, that’s adorable.
Meantime my LIONS ARE IN 1st PLACE AFTER BEATING THE UNDEFEATED BEARS.
Drink arsonic-flavored Gatorade, Bush
Hey Griffin, you know what I still have? Two healthy knees.
Hey Bush you know what I still have? My Heisman trophy.
Son of a bitch. How in the HELL could I lose to Puffy-Faced Stafford and his castrated kitties?
Simple, Cutler. You managed to mope your way to three picks, two sacks, AND a lost fumble that was returned for a TD.
Nice job, Va-JayJay. You hit the trifecta of suck.
Could be worse. At least you don’t lead the league in interceptions.
Say I wonder who does have that distinction, anyway?
I’ll tell you who. YOUR sad sack of a son, that’s who.
MY son? I’m the one that wanted to sell him to gypsies when he was five.
Mom, Dad please. Don’t fight. Can’t we just agree that we’re ALL ashamed of Eli, and his existence is an awful blight upon our good family name?
Of course, you’re right dear.
You nailed it like a ten yard out pattern son.
SUCK IT ELI. I’M NOT THE LEAST FAVORITE SON ANYMORE. EVERYONE HATES YOU.
I HATE THIS INTERVENCEPTION! I WISH I WAS A HARBAUGH!
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