NFL QBs on FACEBOOK: “INTERVENCEPTION”

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Updated: September 30, 2013

INTERVENCEPTION FEATURED IMAGE 475

TOM BRADY

No receivers? No defense? NO PROBLEM, BITCHES.

TOM BRADY

Because I’m Tom Brady, and I have FOUR WINS AND NO LOSSES.

MATT RYAN

FUCK OFF BRADY. You almost blew that game last night and you know it.

TOM BRADY

The only thing that got blown last night was me, by your wife Ryan.

MATT RYAN

TAKE THAT BACK. MY WIFE WOULD NEVER BLOW YOU

MATT RYAN’S WIFE

Actually…

MATT RYAN

Sarah?!

MATT RYAN’S WIFE

I’m sorry Mattie. He beat you on your home field. The NFL rules are very specific on this.

TOM BRADY

It was a pleasure, Matt Ryan’s Wife. We’ll have to do this again if your husband makes it to the Super Bowl.

TOM BRADY

I’m kidding of course. The Falcons aren’t going to the playoffs.

MATT RYAN

SHUT UP, BRADY. We were only ten yards away from a tying touchdown.

TOM BRADY

Yeah, you managed to close the gap slightly toward the end there. Too bad you couldn’t finish the deed.

TOM BRADY

Unlike me with your wife.

TONY GONZALEZ

MATT RYAN YOU DRIPPY DOUCHE OF A MAN!

MATT RYAN

Hey Tony. I know you’re mad about the loss last night but …

TONY GONZALEZ

WHAT PART OF “GET ME TO THE SUPER BOWL IN THIS, MY FINAL SEASON OR I WILL REACH DOWN YOUR THROAT, GRAB YOUR SPLEEN, AND YANK YOU INSIDE OUT ” DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

MATT RYAN

Most of the end part.

TONY GONZALEZ

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO INVOLVE ME IN THE PASSING GAME LAST NIGHT!

MATT RYAN

I DID! I COMPLETED 12 PASSES TO YOU FOR 149 YARDS AND 2 TD’S! WHAT ELSE DID YOU WANT?

FALCONS FANS

One more for 10 yards at the end there would’ve been nice.

CAM NEWTON

HAHA. Sounds like you got Pat-Smacked on national TV, Ryan.

ANDREW LUCK

“Sounds like?” You didn’t watch the game?

CAM NEWTON

HELL NO. I was watching “Breaking Bad” last night.

MATT RYAN

DON’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED! I have it on my DVR to watch tonight.

CAM NEWTON

Oh man, it was EPIC. Especially when Walt and Jesse shot laser beams at the Nazis while riding on the backs of those reanimated dinosaurs? I was NOT expecting that to happen.

MATT RYAN

SHUT UP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY SPOILERS!

JAY CUTLER

What the hell is “Breaking Bad”

CAM NEWTON

The story of a simple man who rises to become world famous at his craft, then loses everything and becomes a wretched husk of a failure.

ELI MANNING

‘Sup?

DREW BREES

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TOM BRADY

ROFL ROFL ROFL

ELI MANNING

Screw you guys. I’m leaving.

PEYTON MANNING

WAIT ELI. Don’t go. We invited you here for a reason.

ELI MANNING

What? To make fun of me and my 0-4 record?

PEYTON MANNING

No, not that.

PEYTON MANNING

Well, not just that.

OLIVIA MANNING

Eli, pumpkin, we’re all concerned about you. So we’ve asked you to join us in this convo today for a…

ELI MANNING

What? An intervention?

OLIVIA MANNING

More of an “intervenception.”

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE YOU THROW SO MANY BLOODY PICKS, GUV’NAH

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

WE PLAYED IN GERMANY YESTERDAY, WHICH IS WHY I’M USING A GERMAN ACCENT, YOU SEE.

CAM NEWTON

Great Britain, Ben.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Thanks Cam. Great Brittin’ to you too.

DREW BREES

Aaaaaanyway, you guys were discussing Eli’s “intervenception?”

OLIVIA MANNING

Pumpkin, please listen. You know your family loves you very, very much.

PEYTON MANNING

I don’t.

COOPER MANNING

I can take him or leave him.

ARCHIE MANNING

I felt warmly towards when he won those Super Bowls. Now, not so much.

OLIVIA MANNING

But Elisha, after seeing you fumble and bumble away four straight games, it’s clear that you’ve… become addicted to turnovers.

ELI MANNING

I AM NOT ADDICTED TO TURNOVERS

PEYTON MANNING

Denial. That’s the surest sign there is.

ELI MANNING

Look, I appreciate your concern, but it’s not my fault we lost yesterday. I threw for a whopping 651 feet and had less than four total turnovers.

COOPER MANNING

In other words, you threw for a measely 217 yards and committed three turnovers

ELI MANNING

I prefer my phrasing.

ALEX SMITH

HERE I AM LADIES! AND I BROUGHT MY FRIENDS “FOUR” AND “OH” WITH ME! HAHAHAHA

ELI MANNING

Get BBQ poisoning, Smith.

ALEX SMITH

Let me just point out to all you gals that if you add up the victories of Eli Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Ryan, AND COLIN KRAPADICK, you still wouldn’t have the win total of my undefeated Chiefs.

CAM NEWTON

And if you added all of their weights together, you still wouldn’t have even one of Andy Reid’s thighs.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S-AH FUNNY BECAUSE ANDY REID IS-AH SO FAT LIKE A BIG PIZZ-AH PIE!

DREW BREES

That’s an Italian accent, Ben. Sort of.

ALEX SMITH

The Chiefs are on a ROLL, bitches! The playoffs are an absolute certainty for us now.

last year’s 4-0 Arizona Cardinals disagree

PEYTON MANNING

HA. You think my Broncos are scared of you, Smith? You beat the GIANTS yesterday. Everyone beats that leaderless squad of bumbling boobs.

ELI MANNING

This is not a good intervention so far.

PEYTON MANNING

Look Eli, I’m your big brother. I know you’re going through a rough time right now. So there’s something I really want you to hear:

PEYTON MANNING

I THREW FOR ANOTHER FOUR TD’S YESTERDAY AS MY BRONCOS ROLLED UP 52 POINTS ON THE EAGLES!

ELI MANNING

How is that supposed to help me?

PEYTON MANNING

I didn’t say it would help you. I just said I wanted you to hear it.

ARCHIE MANNING

GREAT JOB, FAVORED SON!

ARCHIE MANNING

You were more on fire yesterday than Skyler White was last night when she got roasted by that medieval dragon in “Breaking Bad.”

MATT RYAN

STOP TELLING ME WHAT HAPPENS!

PEYTON MANNING

GOD-DAYUM, has any QB ever had a better start to a season than me this year? 4-0 WITH 16 TDS!

PEYTON MANNING

That, little ladies, is what’s called being ALPHA AS FUCK.

TOM BRADY

Until you get to the playoffs. Where you’re usually crushed into alpha-bits.

PEYTON MANNING

NOT THIS YEAR, BUTT-CHIN. Not only am I on pace to shatter your single season TD record, but I think I've also completely forgotten how to throw interceptions.

CARSON PALMER

Ask Joe Flacco. He can remind you .

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

EES FUNNY BECAUSE JOSE FLACCO THREW CINCO EENTERCEPTSHUNS JESTERDAY.

DREW BREES

That’s Mexican, Ben. I think.

TOM BRADY

Oh Flacco, that was a beautiful clusterfuck of failure yesterday. Each of your picks was less elite than the last.

JOE FLACCO

YOU CANNOT TALK TO ME LIKE THIS. I AM THE SUPER BOWL’S REIGNING M.V.P.

PEYTON MANNING

Now you just rain I.N.T.s

E.J. MANUEL

Hey Flacco, my defense wanted me thank you for inviting them to your Pick Party yesterday.

E.J. MANUEL

It was so thoughtful of you to bring enough for everyone. HAHAHA.

CAM NEWTON

Wow. E.J. Manuel. You managed to beat a Super Bowl MVP in the first month of your career.

DREW BREES

Nice job rookie. That’s downright elite play.

JOE FLACCO

HOW THE HELL IS HE ELITE FOR BEATING A SUPER BOWL MVP, BUT I’M NOT ELITE FOR ACTUALLY BEING THE SUPER BOWL MVP?

DREW BREES

All I head was “blah-blah-blah, I’m not elite, blah-blah-blah”

PEYTON MANNING

See Eli? Flacco can admit to his horribleness. Why can’t you?

ELI MANNING

I’M NOT HORRIBLE. I’m just having a slump, is all

OLIVIA MANNING

No sweetie. You’re horrible.

COOPER MANNING

Putrid.

ARCHIE MANNING

A failure in every sense of the word

ELI MANNING

THIS IS NOT HOW I’VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE INTERVENTIONS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK.

OLIVIA MANNING

It’s an “intervenception” dear. The rules are slightly different

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Just like the rules are different when you play football in Germany.

DREW BREES

You played in London, Ben

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Are you sure, ya hoser? ‘Cause the scoreboard said we lost to the Vikings by 7 points, but I’m pretty sure that in the metric system, we actually won by aboot 10, eh?

DREW BREES

No, you lost. And now you’re doing a Canadian accent.

ALEX SMITH

Congratulations Roethlisberger. You’ve managed to spread your suck across two separate continents this season.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Sacre bleu!

DREW BREES

French.

PEYTON MANNING

Hey, cheer up B-Rott. Sure you’re 0-4 and your team is off to its worst start in 45 years. But at least you don’t lead the league in interceptions like my brother Eli.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

GRRRRAHHHHH. WWWRAHHHHH.

DREW BREES

That’s Wookie, Ben.

COOPER MANNING

Hey, Eli. You know what’s weird? So far this season, you’ve thrown for 1,148 yards more than I have. YET WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME NUMBER OF WINS. HAHAHAHA

ELI MANNING

WHY DOES NO ONE IN MY FAMILY KNOW HOW TO GIVE A PROPER INTERVENTION?

BRIAN HOYER

POEM TIME, BITCHES!

BRIAN HOYER

Roses are red, violets are blue. Brandon Weeden has no wins, but I now have TWO. AHAHAHAHA

BRANDON WEEDEN

Like I care. I just need to keep this gig until next season when my social security kicks in.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

001101 110111 011110 0011010 00

E.J. MANUEL

What the hell was that?

DREW BREES

I’m pretty sure that’s binary-code language for “because he’s so old, you see.”

BRIAN HOYER

I BEAT ANDY DALTON’S BENGALS YESTERDAY. THAT MEAN MY BROWNS ARE NOW IN FIRST PLACE!

ANDY DALTON

You’re in a TIE for first place, squid-dick. You don’t have sole possession.

BRIAN HOYER

Then we're even Gingernuts, because you don't possess a soul.

ALEX SMITH

Holy crap. Is Cleveland really tied for first place after four games?

RYAN TANNEHILL

Wow. That’s almost as surprising as when Walt Jr. tore off his flesh-face and revealed he’d actually been an alien cyborg all this time on Breaking Bad last night.

MATT RYAN

(fingers in ears) LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA NOT LISTENING

AARON RODGERS

‘SUP PUSSY WAFFLES?!?!

TOM BRADY

Beat it, Rodgers. Bye week bitches aren’t welcome in these convos.

AARON RODGERS

TOO BAD. You think I’m going to miss a chance to revel in Russell Wilson’s misery after Schaub’s Texans POUNDED him for his first loss yesterday? HAHAHAHAHA.

AARON RODGERS

SORRY TO HEAR YOU GOT DROPPED TO 3-1 WILSON. BUT IT’S APPROPRIATE, WHAT WITH YOU BEING 3 FEET 1 INCH TALL AND EVERYTHING.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Rodgers, I’m gonna take a shot in the dark here and guess that you turned the Seahawks game off at halftime?

AARON RODGERS

I had to. I was busy spray-paining “3-1. SUCK IT LOSERS” at the top of Seattle’s Space Needle.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Yeah well, you should know that Wilson and the Seahawks actually came back to win that game.

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHA. GOOD ONE. Next you’ll be telling me that they scored 17 unanswered second half points, forced overtime, then got into position for the winning field game thanks to a highly questionable call by the officials? YEAH, RIGHT.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Actually, that’s exactly what happened.

AARON RODGERS

OH FUCK ME!

ALEX SMITH

“Things Cutler’s Mom has tattooed on the insides of her thighs?”

COLIN KAEPERNICK

LOLOLOLOL. Nice Game Schaub. That’s three straight weeks that you’ve gift wrapped a pick-6 to your opponent.

CAM NEWTON

That reminds me of a tongue twister my Grandma taught me when I was little:

CAM NEWTON

“How many picks will a Matt Schaub flick before he flicks his 6th Pick-6?”

MATT STAFFORD

Ooh, I know this. The answer’s 5, right?

CAM NEWTON

The answer is 6, Stafford.

MATT STAFFORD

Ah. A trick question, eh?

MATT SCHAUB

Well you, your Grandma, and her oddly specific tongue twisters can all choke on a giant bag of dicks, Newton.

CAM NEWTON

Hey Schaub: I’m rubber you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me, sticks to an opposing defensive back, and gets returned for a game-winning TD.

MATT SCHAUB

Look, you CANNOT blame me for that loss! I had a full 232 more yards passing than Russell Wilson did yesterday!

RUSSELL WILSON

And one less win.

MATT SCHAUB

DON’T BE SO SMUG, WILSON. YOU DIDN’T EVEN THROW A SINGLE TOUCHDOWN TO YOUR TEAM!

RUSSELL WILSON

I didn’t have to. You did it for me.

MATT SCHAUB

I WILL BURY 6 PICK-AXES DIRECTLY INTO YOUR TINY, SMURF-LIKE SKULL, WILSON!

PEYTON MANNING

See Eli? You don’t have to be ashamed. Matt Schaub, Joe Flacco, and Ben Roethlisberger are all having crappy seasons just like you.

PEYTON MANNING

Granted, you’re the worst of all of them, but at least you have company.

ELI MANNING

DAD! MAKE PEYTON GIVE ME A PROPER INTERVENTION!

ARCHIE MANNING

Who are you calling “Dad?” NO SON OF MINE LEADS THE NFL IN INTERCEPTIONS.

ARCHIE MANNING

That’s why I now tell people that I only have one son, because I can’t bear to admit that my other one is an enormous bag of failure with an awful haircut.

COOPER MANNING

Sigh. You have THREE sons, Dad.

ARCHIE MANNING

QUIET, YOU. We’ll have the “You’re-adopted-vention” for you next week.

PHILIP RIVERS

Well I’m having my VICTORY-VENTION this week, because I passed for 401 YARDS AGAINST ROMO’S COWBOYS.

PHILIP RIVERS

I’ve now joined Dan Fous and John Hadl as the only Chargers QB’s with 200 career touchdowns!

TOM BRADY

And you’ve tied them for Super Bowl victories as well.

DREW BREES

LOL

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Hey Romo, is the hotel you stayed at in San Diego yesterday going to sue you?

TONY ROMO

What? No. Why?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Well they can’t be happy with you after the way you shit the bed yesterday. ROFL.

TONY ROMO

HOW IS THAT LOSS MY FAULT? I’M NOT THE ONE WHO GAVE UP 400 YARDS PASSING

PHILIP RIVERS

Well, you’re not the one who gained 400 yards passing either.

TONY ROMO

Look, My Cowboys are still on top of our division. And being 2-2 isn’t so bad.

TONY ROMO

We’ll be fine as long as we can avoid having our shitty pass defense play against any hot QBs.

TONY ROMO

So who do we play next week, anyway?

PEYTON MANNING

Right here, Chuckles.

TONY ROMO

Goddammit. Well, BEING 2-3 ISN’T SO BAD.

RGIII

Look out Romo. Because my ‘Skins are charging up fast behind you in the standings.

BRIAN HOYER

You spelled “finally managed to win a game” wrong, Griffin.

RYAN TANNEHILL

You beat the Raiders, Griffin.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Defeating the Raiders is as easy as defeating Godzilla was for Marie after she moved to Japan and became a monster-fighting ninja in last night’s Breaking Bad

MATT RYAN

I HATE YOU GUYS!

REGGIE BUSH

So you finally won a game, Griffin? Oh, that’s adorable.

REGGIE BUSH

Meantime my LIONS ARE IN 1st PLACE AFTER BEATING THE UNDEFEATED BEARS.

RGIII

Drink arsonic-flavored Gatorade, Bush

REGGIE BUSH

Hey Griffin, you know what I still have? Two healthy knees.

RGIII

Hey Bush you know what I still have? My Heisman trophy.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

AW SNAP!

E.J. MANUEL

AW SNAP!

ROBERT GRIFFIN’S ACL

AW SNAP!

JAY CUTLER

Son of a bitch. How in the HELL could I lose to Puffy-Faced Stafford and his castrated kitties?

TOM BRADY

Simple, Cutler. You managed to mope your way to three picks, two sacks, AND a lost fumble that was returned for a TD.

AARON RODGERS

Nice job, Va-JayJay. You hit the trifecta of suck.

PEYTON MANNING

Could be worse. At least you don’t lead the league in interceptions.

ARCHIE MANNING

Say I wonder who does have that distinction, anyway?

OLIVIA MANNING

I’ll tell you who. YOUR sad sack of a son, that’s who.

ARCHIE MANNING

MY son? I’m the one that wanted to sell him to gypsies when he was five.

PEYTON MANNING

Mom, Dad please. Don’t fight. Can’t we just agree that we’re ALL ashamed of Eli, and his existence is an awful blight upon our good family name?

OLIVIA MANNING

Of course, you’re right dear.

ARCHIE MANNING

You nailed it like a ten yard out pattern son.

COOPER MANNING

SUCK IT ELI. I’M NOT THE LEAST FAVORITE SON ANYMORE. EVERYONE HATES YOU.

ELI MANNING

I HATE THIS INTERVENCEPTION! I WISH I WAS A HARBAUGH!

NFL QBs on FACEBOOK: “INTERVENCEPTION”

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