NFL QBs On Facebook: HAZING THE ROOKIES

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Updated: August 10, 2014

HAZING THE ROOKIES 475

PEYTON MANNING

BRONCOS 21, SEAHAWKS 16. I GOT MY SUPER BOWL REVENGE, BITCHES!

TONY ROMO

Manning, are you seriously calling a preseason victory “revenge?”

PEYTON MANNING

Romo, are you seriously calling that floppy noodle hanging from your right shoulder an “arm?”

PEYTON MANNING

Anyway, the 2014 Denver/Seattle series is now TIED at one game each.

SAM BRADFORD

And you know what they say about ties, right? That it’s like fisting your sister.

DREW BREES

“Kissing” your sister, Bradford.

SAM BRADFORD

EW, GROSS.

JOHNNY MANZIEL

Hey Peyton Manning, why don’t you shut up? You sound like an idiot bragging about a stupid preseason win.

NEEDLE

Scratch

TIRE

Screech

STUDIO AUDIENCE

Ooooooooohhhh

PEYTON MANNING

The. FUCK. Did. You. Just. Say. To. Me?

JOHNNY MANZIEL

I told you to pipe down. Because I’m hung over, and you’re annoying.

PEYTON MANNING

WHERE DOES A SCRUNCHY FACED, 1st-YEAR MAGGOT LIKE YOU GET OFF TALKING TO PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING LIKE THAT?

JAY CUTLER

Holy crap, these rookies are getting WAY too big for their underpaid, dainty little britches.

TOM BRADY

Well, that’s because they haven’t been properly hazed yet.

PHILIP RIVERS

Hazing? The time-honored tradition of initiating a young player through good-natured teasing and ridicule?

RICHIE INCOGNITO

Plus some racism, extortion, and threats of physical violence.

MATT RYAN

So how should we haze Johnny Manziel?

ANDY DALTON

I would think being forced to play in Cleveland is punishment enough

BRANDON WEEDEN can confirm this

JOHNNY MANZIEL

You can’t haze me. I AM JOHNNY FOOTBALL! THE NFL’S BIGGEST SUPERSTAR!

ESPN agrees with this

NICK FOLES

Oh, don’t worry, Manziel’s hazing has already been taken care of.

JOSH McCOWN

Yep. I had a stripper pole installed in his training camp dorm room last week, then I sent him an expensive hooker named Roberta.

TOM BRADY

That doesn’t sound so bad.

JOSH McCOWN

… whose real name is Robert, a hermaphroditic, transgendered, herpes-infested Taiwanese pleasure slave. HAHAHA

JOHNNY MANZIEL

JOKE’S ON YOU GUYS. I BANGED HE/SHE ANYWAY

SAM BRADFORD

Oh, you guys are talking about Taiwan Bob, right?

SAM BRADFORD

Manziel, next time you see him/her, can you get my card punched? Two more deep tissue anal massages, and I get one free.

ANDREW LUCK

You guys, are you sure this is okay? Hazing can be a pretty awful thing to do to someone.

ALEX SMITH

Yeah, I heard back in ‘04, the Giants hazed Eli Manning by making him get a terrible haircut, and it's remained that way ever since.

ELI MANNING

ALEX SMITH, I HOPE YOU GET YOUR TESTICLES STUCK IN A BLENDER.

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

Well I must say, I found the so-called “hazing” you ruffians imposed upon me to be most discourteous indeed.

TONY ROMO

What did you guys do to Bridgewater?

MATT CASSEL

Oh, his hazing was classic.

JOSH McCOWN

Yep. We forced him to stand out under the blazing hot sun in the middle of a field for three solid hours doing nothing but holding a football out from his body and saying “here you go” over and over again.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Why?

ADRIAN PETERSON

Because as QB of the Vikings, that will be his only responsibility.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THE VIKINGS ARE PREDOMINANTLY A RUNNING TEAM, YOU SEE

ANDY DALTON

Hey, you guys wanna know why I’m feeling pretty good this week?

ANDY DALTON

Because THE BENGALS JUST EXTENDED MY CONTRACT BY SIX YEARS!

REST OF AFC NORTH

WHOO-HOO! That news makes all of us feel pretty “extended” as well.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THEY’RE SAYING THAT ANDY DALTON IS SO BAD, THE IDEA OF HIM PLAYING IN CINCINNATI FOR SIX MORE YEARS GIVES THEM ALL ERECTIONS IN THEIR PENISESESESESES.

DREW BREES

Ben, you call more than 1 penis, “penises.”

TOM BRADY

And you call 53 of them, “The New York Jets.”

MATT SCHAUB

Well I wish someone would haze Derek Carr. That slapdick rookie has been annoying me all training camp long.

CAM NEWTON

Oh, that guy’s been taken care of already.

JOSH McCOWN

I hazed him by forcing him to walk through a parking lot full of violent Oakland fans wearing a t-shirt that reads, “Official Member Of The Committee To Relocate the Raiders To San Antonio, TX.”

MATT SCHAUB

Oh, cool. So I assume he’s dead by now?

DEREK CARR

No, I’m fine. Luckily for me, Raiders fans can’t read.

TOM BRADY

Don’t think you’re getting away without a good hazing yourself, Patriots rookie QB Jimmy Galapagos.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO

My name is Garoppolo, not "Galapagos." You’re thinking of that island with all the turtles.

TOM BRADY

LISTEN GALAPAGOS, I AM TOM FUCKING BRADY AND IF I WANT YOU TO BE A TURTLE, THEN YOU’LL WEAR A PLASTIC SHELL, CRAWL SLOWLY ON THE GROUND AND LET COLIN KAEPERNICK FEED YOU LETTUCE WITH HIS MOUTH.

CARSON PALMER

Don't worry Brady. Galapagos's hazing is a three-pronged trio of terror.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO

Fine, I'm up for a challenge. Lay them on me.

JOSH McCOWN

First, you have to beat Rob Gronkowski in three straight games of beer pong.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO

I hear he's the master of that game, but sure, I'll give it a try.

JOSH McCOWN

Next you have to run a hundred yard dash in 10 seconds, while carrying Vince Wilfork on your shoulders.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO

Okie-doke. I'll give it my best shot.

JOSH McCOWN

And finally, you have to make Bill Belichick smile.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO

IMPOSSIBLE! THAT CAN'T BE DONE!

PEYTON MANNING

Sure it can. Just sneak up behind him during a game and tickle his love handles while screaming ‘COOCHY-COOCHY-COO” really loudly into his ear.

CAM NEWTON

Oh man, I hope there's a camera on the sideline to record that.

GENO SMITH

Duh. It's a Patriots game. There’s bound to be a bunch of hidden cameras rolling somewhere.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE THE PATRIOTS ARE CHEATERS

Eric Mangini and Cary Williams like this

MATT RYAN

Well I can tell you that the "Matt" club is excited for the new season

MATT STAFFORD

Heck yeah! #MattBros4Life!

MATT HASSELBECK

We always want the ball, and we ALWAYS score! Sometimes!

MATT CASSEL

And now we have a new Matt to join our little group

MATT SCHAUB

He's sort of like our first round rookie!

MATT BARKLEY

So welcome to the club, Bengals QB Matt Scott.

MATT FLYNN

From now on, when people think of Matt Ryan, Matt Stafford, Matt Hasselback, Matt Cassel, Matt Schaub, Matt Barkley, and Matt Flynn, they'll think of you too!

BENGALS QB MATT SCOTT



JOE FLACCO

That's how I would take that news too.

ANDY DALTON

Why do you have a black eye in your profile picture, Flacco?

JOE FLACCO

Umm, no reason. I fell down the stairs, I think.

RAY RICE

No, he walked into a door.

JOE FLACCO

Right, right, I walked into a door. Gosh, I’m so clumsy!

CARSON PALMER

Flacco … is Ray Rice hitting you?

ANDREW LUCK

It’s okay, you can tell us the truth Joe. This is a safe place.

JOE FLACCO

NO, RAY LOVES ME. SOMETIMES HE JUST HAS TO KEEP ME FROM GETTING OUT OF LINE, THAT’S ALL. IT’S MY FAULT. I’M JUST SO STUPID SOMETIMES!

RAY RICE

I WOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS IF YOU’D JUST (slap) LEARN (slap) HOW (slap) TO (slap) LISTEN!

RGIII

STOP THAT! Domestic violence is NEVER okay, under ANY circumstance! Keep your hands off him, Rice!

JOE FLACCO

PLEASE DON'T MAKE HIM MAD! HE MIGHT COME AFTER ME AND…

ELI MANNING

Flacco? Where did you go?

RAY RICE

He's passed out in the elevator at our training camp complex. I have no idea how he got there. YOU CAN’T PROVE NOTHING!’

NICK FOLES

Moving on.. did anyone haze Blake Bortles in Jacksonville yet?

JOSH McCOWN

Oh, we hazed Blake Bortles by giving him the stupidest sounding nickname we could possibly think of.

DREW BREES

Which is?

JOSH McCOWN

“Blake Bortles”

MATT SCHAUB

That’s it? That’s all the hazing he got?

JOSH McCOWN

We let him off easy on account of his girlfriend, Lindsey Duke, currently has the hottest “Wife And/or Girlfriend” ranking in the league:

JOSH McCOWN

RYAN TANNEHILL

Wait, I thought my wife was the hottest WAG in the league?

LINDSEY DUKE

Not anymore. Say hello to the NEW babe on the block.

LAUREN TANNEHILL

BACK OFF BITCH! I am the sexiest arm candy in the NFL, and don't you forget it!

LINDSEY DUKE

NOT ANYMORE GRANDMA. From now on, when your man bangs you, he’ll be thinking of ME.

LAUREN TANNEHILL

SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW. RYAN CAN’T GET IT UP ANYWAY.

RYAN TANNEHILL

LAUREN, PLEASE! Ix-nay on the Imp-lay Ick-day, okay?

LINDSEY DUKE

I AM THE HOTTEST WAG IN THE NFL!

LAUREN TANNEHILL

NO, I AM THE HOTTEST WAG IN THE NFL!

GISELE BÜNDCHEN

You two skanks do realize that I actually am a supermodel, right?

LAUREN TANNEHILL

BEAT IT, STRING BEAN. REAL WOMEN ARE TALKING HERE.

ALEX SMITH

So have any non-QBs been hazed yet?

JAY CUTLER

Oh yeah. We came up with a good one for Michael Sam

JOSH McCOWN

I had his eyes propped open with tiny metal clamps, and forced him to watch one of Sam Bradford’s sex tapes.

PHILIP RIVERS

MY GOD. THOSE VIDEOS AREN’T FIT FOR HUMAN VIEWING!

E.J. MANUEL

RELEASE HIM QUICKLY! Exposure to that much porno fetish filth could drive Michael Sam completely insane!

MICHAEL SAM

Hey, do you guys know who I think is a darn good play-by-play commentator? Joe Buck.

ALEX SMITH

Too late.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE NO SANE PERSON LIKES JOE BUCK

ROGER GOODELL

THAT IS ENOUGH.

ROGER GOODELL

Hazing is a punishable offense. So get your checkbooks out ladies, because I’m ‘bout to lay down some heavy duty fines, Big Roger Style!

TOM BRADY

It wasn’t us, Commish. Josh McCown is the one who actually did all the hazing.

ROGER GOODELL

Fine. Josh McCown, you are hereby fined 16 weeks worth of paychecks,

JOSH McCOWN

WHAT? NO! I THOUGHT ALL US QBs WERE IN THIS HAZING THING TOGETHER!

ANDY DALTON

“Together?” Dude, we’ve never even heard of you before.

JOSH McCOWN

THEN WHY’D YOU MAKE ME CARRY OUT ALL YOUR STUPID HAZING PRANKS?

PEYTON MANNING

Because that was YOUR hazing, rookie. WELCOME TO THE NFL!

JOSH McCOWN

BUT I'M NOT A ROOKIE. I'M A TWELVE-YEAR VETERAN!

DREW BREES

No, that can’t be right.

JOSH McCOWN

I WAS DRAFTED IN 2002! I’VE PLAYED FOR 8 DIFFERENT NFL TEAMS IN MY CAREER!

JOSH McCOWN

I STARTED 5 GAMES LAST YEAR WHEN JAY CUTLER WAS INJURED, WINNING 3 OF THEM!

JAY CUTLER

I’m pretty sure he’s lying.

JAY CUTLER

If I recall correctly, my backup last year was…hmm…? I wanna say Jason Campbell? Maybe Kyle Orton?

JOSH McCOWN

GODDAMMIT, NOW I’M LOSING MY ENTIRE YEAR’S WORTH OF PAYCHECKS?

JOSH GORDON

Welcome to my world.

ROGER GOODELL

No Josh Gordon, I have news for you .

ROGER GOODELL

I’ve reviewed your marijuana suspension, and I’m prepared to reduce your year-long punishment.

JOSH GORDON

To what? An 8 game suspension? 6 games, maybe?

ROGER GOODELL

Nope. I’m locking you inside a closet with 100 marijuana cigarettes.

ROGER GOODELL

AND MISTER, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUT OF THERE UNTIL YOU’VE SMOKED EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE ‘DOOBIES.’

RICKY WILLIAMS likes this

ELI MANNING

What is this, some kind or reverse-psychology tough love?

ROGER GOODELL

That’s right. If a player has a bad habit, I make them so sick of it they never want to do it again.

MICHAEL VICK

Yep. Back in 2006, he gave me a cattle prod and dropped me in a huge kennel full of pit bulls.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

ONCE HE LOCKED ME IN A NIGHTCLUB WITH DOZENS OF PRETTY GIRLS WHO WERE INDIFFERENT TOWARD ME.

MATT RYAN

You mean that they didn’t want to have sex with you?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

NOT AT FIRST, NO.

JOSH GORDON

Okay, I’m done.

ROGER GOODELL

You’re what?

JOSH GORDON

I finished the 100 joints. Do you have any more?

ROGER GOODELL

YOU JUST SMOKED 100 MARIJUANA CIGARETTES IN FIVE MINUTES, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO GO GET YOU MORE?

JOSH GORDON

Yeah. And some Taco Bell.

CAM NEWTON

Well, once again, we barely talked about any actual football stuff this week.

PEYTON MANNING

Okay, here’s some actual football stuff for you: THERE’S A BIG PRESEASON MATCHUP COMING UP THIS WEEKEND BETWEEN THE BRONCOS AND THE 49ers!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

HELL YEAH. Just look at these lineups:

PEYTON MANNING

DEMARYIUS THOMAS! VON MILLER

COLIN KAEPERNICK

FRANK GORE! PATRICK WILLIS!

PEYTON MANNING

JULIUS THOMAS! WES WELKER!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

MICHAEL CRABTREE! VERNON DAVIS!

PEYTON MANNING

THIS GAME IS LIKE THE PRO BOWL OF THE PRESEASON!

RUSSELL WILSON

Or a lineup of our playoff victims.

PEYTON MANNING

WILSON I WILL HAZE YOU BY GIVING YOU AN ATOMIC WEDGIE WITH YOUR OWN SCROTUM!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

AND THEN I WILL USE JOSH McCOWN’S NICE, FRESH ROOKIE CONTRACT TO GIVE YOU A PAPER CUT ON YOUR TONGUE!

PEYTON MANNING

AND FINALLY, I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A TIRE IRON UNTIL YOUR LIFELESS BODY IS AS LIMP AS RYAN TANNEHILL’S COCK!

JOSH McCOWN

GODDAMMIT, I'M NOT A ROOKIE!

RYAN TANNEHILL

GODDAMMIT, I'M NOT IMPOTENT!

AARON RODGERS

GODDAMMIT, I’M NOT IN THIS CONVO!

NFL QBs On Facebook: HAZING THE ROOKIES

Leave a Reply

42 Comments

  1. World's Biggest Fan of MOIST

    August 17, 2014 at 11:22 am

    This article made me MOIST

  2. An Actual PFM Comment Reader

    August 16, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    Okay, you guys can stop with the Aaron Rodgers is gay jokes. It’s a short lived rumor that stopped being funny a long time ago.

  3. iamliveat

    August 16, 2014 at 4:06 am

    Please share my site page your followers thanks

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  4. Hh

    August 15, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Great job, but you blew one major detail. Lindsey Duke is the second hottest WAG now that McCarron’s in the NFL.

  5. Aaron Rodgers

    August 14, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    Goddammit, I wish I got the hazing Michael Sam got!

    Not because I’m gay….I’m definitely not gay!

  6. Pingback: NFL Quarterback Conversation on Facebook: 2014 Preseason Rookies Edition | Total Pro Sports

  7. That Idiot Who Keeps Singing Songs From "Frozen"

    August 14, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Do you wanna build a snowman?

  8. Copycat

    August 13, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Ever wonder why there is a guy who whispers penis. (pauses). Because penis is the only thing that ever cums into his mouth!

    Rimshot: Dude, didn’t i say it in that one convo. Bad jokes ain’t getting it broseph.

  9. Bad Joke Guy

    August 13, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    Ever wonder why there is a guy who whispers penis. (pauses). Because penis is the only thing that ever cums into his mouth!

    Rimshot: Dude, didn’t i say it in that one convo. Bad jokes ain’t getting it broseph.

  10. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    August 13, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    *whispers* penis

  11. Me

    August 13, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    God I missed these lol RW’s line was epic haha!

  12. Wocket in my Pocket Present Day

    August 13, 2014 at 12:15 am

    Theres a nipad on my ipad.
    A CTS on my GPS.
    A sexcocks on my xbox.
    A slumtooter on my computer.
    A flondom on my condom.
    A hellclone on my cell phone.

  13. Copycat

    August 12, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    *Whispers* Cheese Nips

  14. Guy Who Whispers "Cheese Nips"

    August 12, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    *Whispers* Cheese Nips

  15. alli

    August 12, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    LoveloveLOVE! ROFLMFAO over the ” and they call 53 of them the New York Jets.” Fucking genius.

  16. Tom Brady

    August 12, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    Get out of here churchy no one cares! And Romo you suck more then Cutler’s mom.

  17. Kneegrowplz

    August 12, 2014 at 12:27 am

    Where’s Kapernick

  18. Tim Tebow

    August 11, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    I’m a much better QB now than I’ve ever been.

  19. All the kids in class

    August 11, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    Oh Captain my Captain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. Drew Carey

    August 11, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Ding, dong, the witch is dead…

  21. A moment of silence

    August 11, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    RIP Robin Williams. You will truly be missed. *holds up a glass* To one of the funniest people over the past 3 decades.

    Ok. Fake QBs, complainers, commenters, and body part whisperers may continue.

  22. Tony Romo

    August 11, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    I’ll have you know my 4th quarter QB rating is the highest in the league. I can’t help it if my defense sucks.

  23. Tom Brady

    August 11, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    What you going to do Romo show them the art of chocking?

  24. Tony Romo

    August 11, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    I would honored to spend a day with the rookies. I would be an excellent mentor for them.

  25. Anonymous

    August 11, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Damn Lindsey Duke is hot as fuck! Them QBs are lucky as hell to get hot gfs and wifes. I’m sure 99% of them are just gold diggers, but who cares when your banging them hotties.

  26. Ryan Fitz

    August 11, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    What nothing about how awesome I was despite not having Arian Foster or Andre Johnson?

  27. Scott

    August 11, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    I wish I could like some of these comments for real.

  28. Mark Sanchez

    August 11, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    You guys do know I still have access to the facebook page, right?

  29. Anonymous

    August 11, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    People hate Joe Buck because he sounds like he’s just reading from a prompter and couldn’t give two craps about the game he’s watching. He gets to commentate on NFCCG and the SB when it’s on fox and he’s barely even qualified to have the job. There are other people who almost everyone would rather listen to and he sits on top.

  30. Anonymous

    August 11, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    I read QB convos then I lol lol lol lol!

  31. jiminnyc

    August 11, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Still don’t get the Joe Buck hate…

  32. Tom Brady

    August 11, 2014 at 10:49 am

    All rookies have to spend the day with Tony Romo

  33. Russell Wilson

    August 11, 2014 at 9:10 am

    You spelled your name wrong rookie.

  34. Payton Manning

    August 11, 2014 at 9:08 am

    How many times do I have to tell you assholes? I beat the shit out of Wilson!

  35. Anonymous

    August 11, 2014 at 8:08 am

    I wondered why McCown was getting so many lines lol

  36. NFL QBs Fantasy GM

    August 11, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Hey guys! Check the link if you want to have an NFL QBs on Facebook Style Fantasy League!

  37. margew55

    August 11, 2014 at 7:03 am

    Just go with it and don’t try to over-analyze it. Rookie mistake.

  38. Another Mistake

    August 11, 2014 at 6:33 am

    Right, some mistakes I noticed: when Dalton says “being forced to play in Cleveland is torture enough,” right under that it says “Brandon Weeden CON confirm this.” Unless I’m wrong, that should be can, right?

    Also, Ben Roethlisberger has Andy Dalton’s picture on one of the lines.

  39. The Dark Carnival

    August 11, 2014 at 5:39 am

    No, I think it’s their way of mocking all of the “Bens” in the comments section.

  40. Alex Giobbi

    August 11, 2014 at 5:05 am

    Best. Birthday. Present. Ever! Thanks PFM!

  41. Aaron Peterson

    August 11, 2014 at 3:40 am

    Is that a mistake? It says Ben Rothlisbergers on one of the lines, and the line has Andy Dalton’s picture.

  42. Xodiac

    August 11, 2014 at 3:01 am

    I was wondering just how Peyton Goddamn Manning would crow over the Seahawks. Now I know.

    He could have done better.

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