Hey, you little ghouls wanna hear a really SCARY Halloween story?
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
Once upon a time, there was a handsome, talented, god-like QB who threw for 354 YARDS WHILE HE HALLO-WHIPPED JAY CUTLER AND HIS CANDY-ASS BEARS 51-23!!!
6 hours ago . Like
What’s the scary part?
The amount of chicks I managed to bang during halftime.
WHAT A PERFORMANCE. I SLAUGHTERED MORE BEARS YESTERDAY THAN A POISONED PIC-A-NIC BASKET!
Brady, do us all a favor and guzzle a Draino cocktail, wouldya?
HEY CUTLET, DID YOU SEE HOW BRAVELY I STOOD TALL IN THE FACE OF YOUR LOSER TEAM’S PASS RUSH?
Man, I should get a specialist to check out my balls to see how big they are.
Have Jay Cutler's Mom take a look at 'em. She has loads of experience in that area.
She certainly has loads of experience in MY area.
She's taken two or three loads from my area this past week alone.
THAT'S MY MOTHER YOU FUCKWADS ARE TALKING ABOUT.
Yeah, making “your mom” jokes is just adding insult to injury.
No, this is adding insult to injury:
CUTLER, YOUR DEFENSE COLLAPSED YESTERDAY LIKE LAMARR HOUSTON’S KNEE DURING THAT INCREDIBLY STUPID SACK CELEBRATION! LOLOLOLOL.
SUCK A SALTY DICK, BRADY.
HAHAHA.It's back to business for Tom "Greatest QB in History" Brady. I threw FIVE big-ass touchdowns yesterday!
FIVE TOUCHDOWNS IS VERY GOOD, TOM BRADY. IN FACT, THAT IS ONLY 2 LESS THAN THE SIX I THREW YESTERDAY.
One less, Ben.
NO COLIN KAEPERNICK, IT IS THE RAIDERS WHO ARE STILL WON-LESS. MY STEELERS HAVE A TWO GAME WINNING STREAK.
SIX TDs? How DARE you upstage my magnificent performance Roethlisberger, you walking ham planet!
And not just 6 TDs. Ben also threw for FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO YARDS against the Colts!
522? Holy crap!
I FOOTBALLED GOOD.
That’s unbelievable Ben. How’d you manage that?
SIMPLE. COACH TODD HALEY TOLD ME TO EXPLOIT THE UNDERNEATH ZONES IN THE COLTS BASE 3-4 SCHEME, THEN UTILIZE A MIXTURE OF SHORT SLANT PATTERNS AND PLAY ACTION BOMBS TO KEEP THEIR SAFETIES OFF-BALANCE.
BUT I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANT SO HE JUST TOLD ME TO AIM FOR THE BUMBLEBEES INSTEAD.
BECAUSE THE STEELERS THROWBACK UNIFORMS FEATURE HIDEOUS BLACK AND YELLOW STRIPES, YOU SEE.
Please. Witlessburger was LUCKY to put up those kind of numbers. Did you see how much time the Steelers o-line gave him yesterday?
I swear, Roethlisberger had enough time in that pocket to call Papa John’s pizza, wait for a delivery, eat two or three slices of pepperoni, then vomit in disgust before throwing each pass.
I’M VERY HAPPY BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH WE OFFENSED YESTERDAY.
BUT I’M ALSO SAD BECAUSE I BENCHED MYSELF IN FANTASY FOOTBALL.
6 hours ago . Like .
MILLIONS OF FANTASY PLAYERS WORLDWIDE can relate to this pain.
You benched yourself? Why?
I LIKED ELI MANNING’S MATCHUP BETTER.
Ben, Eli Manning had a bye this week.
EXACTLY. I FIGURED THAT MIGHT CUT DOWN ON HIS INTERCEPTIONS FOR A CHANGE.
Fellows, I hate to toot my own horn, but…
Why do you hate it? Tooting your own horn is awesome.
I mean sure, you have to be really flexible, but I find that if you bend at the waist as far as possible while pushing up on your butt cheeks to raise your crotch…
No, I meant that even in defeat, I had a good day passing. I threw for 400 yards and three touchdowns!
(Spins in grave)
400 YARDS? GODDAMMIT LUCK, WHERE DO YOU GET OFF SURPASSING MY YARDAGE TOTAL?
I am the greatest QB of this generation and I do not appreciate anyone stealing my thunder!
GUESS WHO JUST SET THE ALL-TIME NFL RECORD FOR MOST CAREER TOUCHDOWN PASSES, TURFMUNCHERS? PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING THAT’S WHO!
5 hours ago . Like
You set that record LAST week when you threw your 510th TD pass against the 49ers, Asshead.
That’s right. AND THEN I BROKE IT THIS WEEK BY THROWING # ‘s 511, 512, and 513 AGAINST PHILLIP RIVERS AND THE CHARGERS. HAHAHAHA!
Spoiler alert: I plan to break it again this coming Sunday against the Patriots. AT THIS RATE, I’LL SET THE ALL-TIME RECORD FOR MOST RECORDS SET IN A SINGLE SEASON.
Not only will you NOT be throwing any TDs against us Manning, but after the horsewhipping I give you on Sunday, you’ll set a new record for “Sandiest Vagina Over A Tom Brady Beatdown.”
About time. The Raiders have had that record long enough.
What is this “Spins in grave” shit?
It happens every Halloween. When SPOOKY THINGS HAPPEN, and WHAT WAS ONCE DEAD SOMEHOW RETURNS TO LIFE!
THE SAINTS ARE BACK, BITCHES! 44-23 OVER THE PACKERS, WHOO-HOOO!
ARGGGH! HOW COULD MY MIGHTY PACKERS LOSE TO THE LOWLY SAINTS!?!?! FUCK!
WHAT A GAME! Did you jerkoffs see my stats? I threw for… hey wait a minute. Lowly? WE ARE NOT LOWLY.
OH, YES YOU ARE. You were a pathetic 2-4 squad going into that game, and we were complacent and got caught looking past you.
WE ARE THE FEARSOME NEW ORLEANS SAINTS. TEAMS DO NOT “LOOK PAST US.“ THEY CIRCLE US ON THEIR CALENDAR AND SPEND WEEKS DREADING OUR MATCHUP.
WRONG, GASH-O-LANTERN. You’re a bottom-feeding bag of ass. This was a classic “Stub your toe game” for us.
OH YEAH? WELL THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR CHEDDAR-CHEESE HAMSTRING, WE’RE JUST A HALF GAME OUT OF FIRST PLACE NOW.
YEAH, BUT IN THE NFC SOUTH. That’s like trailing three crippled zombies in a 100-yard dash.
So Rodgers. The last time you lost, you told everyone to just R-E-L-A-X. Does that advice still apply?
HELL NO. Now it’s time for everyone to F-R-E-A-KT-H-EF-U-C-KO-U T!!!
THIS IS AWFUL. IT’S TERRIBLE! WE HAD A BEAUTIFUL WINNING STREAK THAT WAS SNAPPPED BY A FRUSTRATING LOSS!
Just like us. Only in reverse.
Ahh. It’s like getting back on a bike
WILSON, I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND USE EVERY INCH OF YOUR CREAM-COLORED HIDE TO SEW A TEENY TINY LITTLE HALLOWEEN BIKINI FOR MY GIRLFRIEND OLIVIA MUNN, WHO IS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN THAT I DEFINITELY HAVE HETEROSEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH.
THAT’S A REFERENCE TO AARON RODGERS BEING GAY.
AND ALSO RUSSELL WILSON BEING SHORT.
AND ALSO RUSSELL WILSON NOT BEING “BLACK ENOUGH.”
But he apparently is “troll enough.”
Oh shit. If Russell Wilson’s throwing out troll lines again, then that must mean…
That’s right. THE SEAHAWKS ARE BACK, MEDIOCUNTS!
And thanks to the “LEGION OF BOO!” we trick-or-trounced Cam Newton and the Panthers yesterday. Here, let’s watch some actual game footage:
Okay, calm your dreads, Jabberjaw. Just remember two things.
1) You BARELY beat us by a lucky 13-9 score.
2) Go die in a fire.
BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS.
BEAST MODE RELIEVED TO BE BACK ON WINNING TRACK AFTER SMASHING PUNY PANTHERS.
BUT BEAST MODE REMAINS ANNOYED WITH MAINSTREAM SPORTS MEDIA AND THEIR INTRUSIVE METHODS.
BEAST MODE DESPISE AMBUSH TACTICS USED BY NUMEROUS UNETHICAL REPORTERS. BEAST MODE SAD TO SEE JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY IN MODERN SOCIETY FALL BY WAYSIDE LIKE SO MANY PUNY WOULD-BE TACKLERS.
TALLY-HO, BITCHES. IS EVERYONE WATCHING ME THRASH THOSE DETROIT BITCH-KITTENS IN ENGLAND RIGHT NOW?!
4 hours ago . Like
The fuck is he talking about? Detroit came back to win that game 22-21
This is EASY. I’m up 21-0, right now and COASTING over these London Hooli-can’ts.
I think Matt Ryan live-commented his messages during the game yesterday, and they’re only just now making to our convo.
That’s impossible. How could a series of digital messages take 24 hours to travel overseas?
He has AT&T for his cell service.
Oh, well that makes sense then.
I’M CRUSHING MATT STAFFORD RIGHT NOW, LIKE A DASHBOARD ON PRINCESS D... oh hey, the Lions finally got a score.
Oh shit, they scored again.
OH SHIT THEY SCORED AGAIN.
GODDAMMIT THEY’RE LINING UP FOR THE GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL!
Oh phew, they missed.
Wait for it…
FUCK THE REFS LET THEM KICK IT AGAIN! WE LOST! NOOOOO!
YAY! NOW WE’RE 6-2, ON TOP OF OUR DIVISION, AND WE GOT A FREE TRIP TO ENGLAND AS A BONUS!
LONDON SURE IS FUN. GREAT SIGHTS AND NICE PEOPLE!
BLAKE BORTLES, YOU AND THE JAGUARS ARE REALLY GOING TO LIKE MOVING HERE IN A COUPLE OF SEASONS.
YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH.
Who would want to play in England, anyway? All the citizens there are just jealous America-wannabes who try to be exactly like us.
What? No they don’t.
OH YEAH? Well then how come they copied our language?
Hey everyone: IMPORTANT HALLOWEEN WARNING:
You should know that there’s a team of green and white walking corpses lumbering around MetLife stadium in New Jersey.
And their leaders were Geno “Count Pickula” Smith and Michael “Fumblezilla” Vick.
BUT DON’T WORRY – I GAVE THEM A 43-23 EXORCISM. AHAHAHAHA .
GODDAMMIT, GENO SMITH AND MICHAEL VICK. You somehow managed to commit SIX total turnovers yesterday?
(begin longing for the glory days of Mark Sanchez)
IF YOU TWO BENCHTURDS WERE HALLOWEEN CANDIES, YOU'D BE CANDY CORN AND APPLES!
NO ONE LIKES THOSE.
DAMMIT! This could be the end to my illustrious NFL career.
When was the beginning of it?
Holy crap, the Jets got DESTROYED yesterday. I haven’t seen someone get pounded that hard since I banged my wife last night.
Yeah, haha. And I haven’t seen someone get pounded that hard since I banged my girlfriend last night.
I haven’t seen someone get pounded that hard since I banged Alex Smith’s wife and Colin Kaepernick’s girlfriend yesterday afternoon during halftime.
Well I haven’t seen someone get pounded that hard since I had HETEROSEXUAL INTERCOURSE with my female companion Olivia Munn, who is TOTALLY a woman!
Hey guys, here’s a riddle: why are wins like jumpolines? BECAUSE THE OAKLAND RAIDERS DON’T HAVE ANY JUMPOLINES! HAHAHA!
3 hours ago . Like
Wait, I thought they were called “trampolines?”
They were. Then Jay Cutler’s Mom got off them.
Makes sense. She gets off everyone else.
FUCK ALL YOU GUYS.
I can’t understand why it’s so hard for the Raiders to win a single game.
HECK, ME AND MY BENGALS HAVE TWO VICTORIES THIS YEAR AGAINST JOE FLACCO AND THE RAVENS ALONE, HAHAHA.
Dalton, I hope you get nothing but Ebola Rolos in your trick-or-treat bag this year.
Aw, poor Flacco. Now you have to Hallo-weep, because we gave you a nice, big, Hallow-sweep. LOLOLOL.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE BRAGGING ABOUT, REDDY McNO-SOUL. YOU DIDN’T EVEN THROW ANY TOUCHDOWNS YESTERDAY
Oh, that’s just because I’m going to dress as Johnny Manziel for Halloween, and I was trying to get into character
DALTON, I WILL STICK A RAZOR IN YOUR HALLOWEEN APPLE, just as soon as I’m done cutting this, um, "baking soda."
HAHAHA. THE BENGALS ARE BACK ON THE WINNING TRACK. SEE YOU AT THE SUPER BOWL IN ARIZONA THIS FEBRUARY!
Dalton, please. You have about as much chance of making it to Phoenix as an undocumented migrant worker seeking a better life for his or her family.
THEY'RE QUITE XENOPHOBIC IN ARIZONA, YOU SEE.
Besides, the Super Bowl is going to be a HOME GAME this year for CARSON PALMER AND HIS RED-HOT CARDINALS!
3rd STRAIGHT WIN! TWO-GAME LEAD IN THE DIVISION!
WE T.P.’ed NICK FOLES LIKE THE GIANT GAPING ASS HE IS. HAHAHAHA
You know that loss wasn’t my fault, Canary Dick. I had 411 yards against your douchbag DBs.
JESUS CHRIST. DID EVERYONE HAVE OVER 400 YARDS THIS WEEK?
Oh, how adorable. The Eagles and Cardinals hen-pecked each other for three hours yesterday, just to fight for the title of SECOND best team in the NFC?
WELL JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE BOTH BEHIND ME!
Much like your prime, then?
No, much like my team's last loss, which was soooo long ago, that you were still considered a promising young QB Foles.
KEEP TALKING THAT SHIT, ROMO. Your losses are coming.
WELL THEY CERTAINLY WON’T GET HERE TONIGHT. Because my ‘Boys have an easy Hallo-WIN waiting for us once we smoke those sad sack Redskins.
Easy win? That’s what you think, Romo, you Creature From The Choke Lagoon. Prepare your anus for the coming COLT McCOPALYPSE.
For the record McCoy, please know that I will be cheering LOUDLY for your Redskins tonight.
Also for the record, please know that it’s only because Dallas is a threat to my Eagles playoff berth, and your shitty-ass Redskins are not.
STILL SO PISSED ABOUT LOSING TO THE LOWLY SAINTS.
Lucky for me, I have a bye week this Sunday. See you then Cutler.
Rodgers, you’re playing the Bears two weeks from now. You don’t have a game scheduled this weekend.
Oh good. That’s two bye weeks, then.
And don’t forget ladies, next week is THE BIG ONE: BRONCOS vs. LAME-TRIOTS!
Hey Brady, remember when we humiliated you last season 26-16 for the AFC championship? HAHAHA.
Hey Manning. Remember when you won that 2nd Super Bowl? Yeah, me neither.
MY 513 TD PASSES RECORDS MAKE ME THE BEST QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME.
MY 3 RINGS MAKE ME THE BEST QUARTERBACK IN THIS CONVO ALONE.
YOUR HAIR STILL LOOKS STUPID.
YOUR HEAD STILL LOOKS EVEN STUPIDER.
JUST REMEMBER THAT I HAVE DOUBLE THE AMOUNT OF SUPER BOWL VICTORIES YOU HAVE PEYTON, AND THEY BOTH CAME AT YOUR EXPENSE BRADY!
You know what? I take it back, Tommy. We can both agree on one thing.
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October 30, 2014 at 4:41 pm
These REALLY need to be moved to Tuesdays. I think the Cowboys-Redskins game was just further proof of that. There could’ve been so much in the convo about that game and there wasn’t because it was the MNF game. You guys need to move these to Tuesday starting ASAP.
October 30, 2014 at 9:01 pm
I believe that these were posted on Tuesdays once upon a time. But then the playoffs game if memory serves.
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October 30, 2014 at 10:36 am
“You know what? I take it back, Tommy. We can both agree on one thing.”
I’m dying!!!!!! Keep it coming guys!
But for the record – Redskins beat Dallas in Dallas!!! HTTR!!!!!!
October 29, 2014 at 9:54 am
October 27, 2014 at 2:32 pm
The Fault in our Eli’s
By Tom Brady, and Peyton Goddamn Manning:
Will Fuck Eli be our Always?
October 27, 2014 at 3:38 pm
OMG…that was brilliant. As an Eagles fan, I have to agree. Fuck Eli.
October 27, 2014 at 1:17 pm
Russell Wilson literally is my favorite character.
October 27, 2014 at 12:53 pm
SIMPLE. COACH TODD HALEY TOLD ME TO EXPLOIT THE UNDERNEATH ZONES IN THE COLTS BASE 3-4 SCHEME”
really thought that was going someplace else…
And 2nd line, Kaep, should be scary to him of the Bears beat him in his house =\
October 27, 2014 at 12:49 pm
Haha Eli wins. It’s like he took over the Russell Wilson troll close job.
Jim in NYC
October 27, 2014 at 12:29 pm
Man, Jay Cutler’s mother is really taking a pounding in this one.
(waits for it…)
Disappointed PFM Reader
October 27, 2014 at 12:22 pm
No reference to the Broncos’ scoreboard operator? I thought that would surely be somewhere in here.
October 27, 2014 at 12:24 pm
At least the game was mentioned. I was looking to some Tannehill-Bortles “We both sucked but haha the Dolphins won” trash talk.
October 27, 2014 at 3:44 pm
I was just thinking last night that they would have something like this:
Broncos fans: (cheer loudly)
Peyton Manning: Shut up! Shut the fuck up!!
Broncos Scoreboard Operator: Oh, my bad!!
Ben Roethlisberger: BECAUSE THE BRONCOS SCOREBOARD OPERATOR MADE BRONCOS FANS START CHEERING WHEN PEYTON MANNING WAS ON THE FIELD YOU SEE
That would have been perfect. Or something similar to that.
The Purdue Guy
October 27, 2014 at 12:11 pm
It still doesn’t make sense. How can Romo be red hot this year? Maybe its opposite season.
October 27, 2014 at 12:28 pm
Maybe Jessica Simpson finally relented and lifted the curse. We’ll find out in about a month.
Well it isn’t December yet. If he actually wins a game in December and even January I will be impressed.
October 27, 2014 at 10:07 pm
Yeah. I’m hoping he’ll go back to sucking and being the pariah by December when he faces Andrew Luck. Will Luck be nice to him when he needs a friend or shit on him like everyone else? This question would be irrelevant if Romo wasn’t the punching bag.
October 28, 2014 at 11:14 am
5 reasons –
* Running the ball over 50% of the time
* Averaging over 4.8 YPC on runs
* Defense is playing way above expectations
* OL has been phenomenal
* Romo is not being asked to do nearly as much as previous seasons
Basically, it mostly comes down to the last bullet point. In years past Romo would also have high ups and low downs which made him look like a great QB except when he shot himself in the foot. It’s like he has a threshold of how much he has to do… and now that DAL is staying under that threshold he has greatly minimized the self-foot shooting and kept the greatness.
October 28, 2014 at 5:23 pm
Romo isn’t Plaxico Burriss…
October 27, 2014 at 11:39 am
Ah, Russell Wilson’s back on point. It IS just like getting back on a bike.
October 27, 2014 at 12:23 pm
But enough about Jay Cutler’s mom.
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