NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: “GOODBYE, FAREWELL, AND AMEN”

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Updated: February 2, 2015

 

GOODBYE FAREWELL

TOM BRADY

SUPER
BOWL.
CHAMP-EE-YONS.
SUCK ON THAT, BITCHES, WHOOOOO!!

SEATTLE FANS EVERYWHERE

NOOOOOOOOOO!

TOM BRADY

HEY SHITHAWKS: HOW’D YOU LIKE THAT LITTLE TRIP THROUGH POUND TOWN I TOOK YOU ON YESTERDAY?

TOM BRADY

HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR STAY AT THE CORNER OF “FUCK YOU AVENUE” AND “SUCK MY BALLS BOULEVARD!” HAHAHAHA!

RUSSELL WILSON

Congratulations, Tom. Your Patriots were the better team when it counted, and you earned that championship.

RUSSELL WILSON

I admit it: you and your teammates were hotter than a Victoria’s Secret calendar yesterday.

TOM BRADY

NO, NO, NO WILSON. Don’t try to pull any of that “losing with class” crap with me. I’M WISE TO YOUR SCHEMES.

TOM BRADY

You’re just gonna pretend to be a good loser, then try to sneak some half-assed troll move on me later. IT WON’T WORK, PIPSQUEAK!

TOM BRADY

I AM NOW A MEMBER OF A VERY EXCLUSIVE CLUB.

JOE FLACCO

Oh, you’re a member all right.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE “MEMBER” IS ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING “”PENIS”

TOM BRADY

SHUT UP. As I was saying, I am now the one and only member of the “FOUR-TIME SUPER BOWL WINNING QB” CLUB.

JOE MONTANA

Hey! I ALSO won four Super Bowls.

TERRY BRADSHAW

And I’m the charter member of that club, dickwad.

TOM BRADY

PIPE DOWN, YOU GRIZZLED OLD GEEZERS. You don't get to be in the club with me because I have something you two wrinkled snatchblisters don't: a super model wife and a full head of hair.

JOE MONTANA

Yeah well, you have something else that neither one of us has.

TERRY BRADSHAW

Super Bowl losses.

TOM BRADY

LALALALA NOT LISTENING. I AM CLEARLY THE GREATEST QB OF ALL TIME!

PEYTON MANNING

Brady, I know your delicate lady parts are moist and tingling over your lucky ass win yesterday.

PEYTON MANNING

But dab a towel on your wet vagina and listen here. PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING IS STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME.

TOM BRADY

Oh Manning, please try to hide your oh-so-obvious jealousy over the fact that I WHIPPED THE TEAM THAT WHIPPED YOU JUST ONE YEAR AGO.

TOM BRADY

I’ll bet it killed you to see me out there pounding Russell Wilson like he was Jay Cutler’s Mom during 2 for 1 coupon day at Sluts-R-Us.

AARON RODGERS

HA HA! YES, YES. THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR! MORE RUSSELL WILSON TAUNTING!

RUSSELL WILSON

I don’t mind. Brady squashed us like a bottle of Axe cologne underneath a steamroller. We deserve it.

AARON RODGERS

THE SEAHAWKS HUMILIATION IS TOTALLY GIVING ME AN ENORMOUS SCHADENFREUDERECTION. HAHAHAHAHA!

AARON RODGERS

THIS IS WONDERFUL! SOMEONE STICK A FORK IN RUSSELL WILSON!

ALEX SMITH

Because his championship hopes are done?

AARON RODGERS

Yeah that too. But mainly just to hear him scream.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE, MOTHER....

PETE CARROLL

Excuse me, but I have to interrupt you, Marshawn.

PETE CARROLL

I know this is usually the point in the convo when your do your "Beast Mode,” rant, But I think I'm going to give this comment to third string WR Ricardo Lockette.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

WHITE HAIRED, GUM CHEWING, LESBIAN GRANDMA COACH NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE CLEARLY AM ONLY ONE WHO SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO “BEAST MODE” RANTS. NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…

MARSHAWN LYNCH

(ahem)

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE, MOTHER…

PETE CARROLL

Sorry Marshawn, but I really have a good feeling about this play change. I’m calling for Lockette to get this comment instead of you.

RICARDO LOCKETTE

Um, okay, Here goes, I guess:

RICARDO LOCKETTE

BEAST MODE, MO…

PATRIOTS CB MALCOLM BUTLER

(intercepts comment in end zone)

SEATTLE FANS EVERYWHERE

FUUUUUUUCKKKKK!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW THE SEAHAWKS BLEW THE GAME.

SEATTLE FANS EVERYWHERE

GODDAMMIT, PETE CARROLL!!!

SEATTLE FANS EVERYWHERE

YOU HAD A POWERHOUSE RUNNING BACK, A TIMEOUT STILL TO SPEND, :30 WORTH OF CLOCK LEFT, AND YOU PASSED IT? ON AN INSIDE SLANT INTO A CROWDED DEFENSIVE BACKFIELD, NO LESS?!?!?!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

HAHAHA SEATTLE LITERALLY THREW THAT GAME AWAY!

SEATTLE FANS EVERYWHERE

THERE AREN’T ENOUGH “WHAT-THE-FUCKS” IN THE WORLD TO EXPRESS HOW DISGUSTED WE ARE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!

SEATTLE FANS EVERYWHERE

THOSE DANCING SHARKS BEHIND KATY PERRY WOULD HAVE MADE A BETTER PLAY CALL!

THE DANCING SHARKS BEHIND KATY PERRY

We would’ve called an off-tackle power run. You know. Just for the halibut.

MATT RYAN

Speaking of that, can I just say BOOOOOO to the Katy Perry halftime show?

CAM NEWTON

I know, right? WHERE WAS THE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION?

RGIII

WE WERE EXPECTING KATY PERRY CLEAVAGE LIKE THIS:

RGIII



ANDY DALTON

Oh my god. It looks like two bald headed dudes are wrestling under her T shirt

RYAN TANNEHILL

I WOULD DISAPPOINT HER SO HARD.

KATY PERRY

Tannehill, I would rather take a bubble bath in Andy Reid's septic tank than let your untalented hands anyway near my perfect rack.

MATT RYAN

Hey Pete Carroll. If you listen carefully, you can hear the stampede of Seahawks fans sneaking out of 4th period History class to run to the mall to buy their new Atlanta Hawks jerseys.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE SEAHAWKS FANS ARE ALL BANDWAGONNERS

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

ALSO, BECAUSE SEAHAWKS FANS ARE ALL STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

ALSO ALSO, BECAUSE SEATTLE NO LONGER HAS AN NBA TEAM.

PETE CARROLL

OKAY, OKAY, I admit that passing into the end zone on that play probably wasn’t the greatest move. BUT IT WASN’T MY FAULT.

PETE CARROLL

Clearly, the C.I.A must have secretly swapped some pages in our playbook. IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB. OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE PETE CARROLL IS ONE OF THOSE BATSHIT INSANE 9/11 “TRUTHERS”

COLIN KAEPERNICK

HAHAHAHA. CARROLL, NO ONE HAS CHOKED THAT HARD SINCE JIMI HENDRIX IN 1970!

PETE CARROLL

Speaking of choking, Marshawn I really didn’t appreciate you trying to strangle me in the locker room after the game.

ROGER GOODELL

What? Lynch, I told you, NO MORE DICK GRABBING! $500,000 FINE!

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE THROUGH LISTENING TO LESBIAN COACH AND GINGER TAX COLLECTOR.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE SIMPLY WANT TURN TO SPEAK SO BEAST MODE CAN CONGRATULATE PUNY PATRIOTS ON WELL-EARNED VICTORY.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

BEAST MODE NOT ASHAMED TO SAY PUNY PATRIOTS BETTER TEAM YESTERDAY, AND CLEARLY DESERVED TO WIN LONG BARNEY TROPHY.

ANDREW LUCK

Well said, Mr. Lynch. That was truly a class move.

ALEX SMITH

Yeah, I guess you really have to hand it to that guy.

PETE CARROLL

I disagree.

TOM BRADY

Hey, I have a request, you guys: From now I’d like you all to call me “The Seahawks home uniforms.”

TOM BRADY

BECAUSE OF HOW GOOD I AM AT MAKING THE ENTIRE SEAHAWKS TEAM LOOK HELLA-STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

JOE FLACCO

Wow. Brady is so excited right now, you could drown Russell Wilson in his panties.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

HE’S QUITE SHORT, YOU SEE.

PEYTON MANNING

Look Brady, much as it pains me to defend Wilson, I need to remind you that every quarterback, even the great ones, occasionally lose Super Bowls.

ELI MANNING

THAT’S RIGHT BRADY. You yourself lost two Super Bowls to my New York Giants.

CAM NEWTON

So I guess that makes Tom Brady the “Eli Manning” of Russell Wilson.

TOM BRADY

I AM NO ONE’S ELI MANNING.

TOM BRADY

What I am is the guy who single-handedly thrashed Wilson and his entire flock of Rainy City Bitch Pigeons. THAT PINT-SIZED PUSSYSQUIRT HAS NOTHING ON ME.

RUSSELL WILSON

It’s true, I admit it. That beating you gave me made me feel more obsolete than a CD case full of Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Creed.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Aw, don’t feel too bad Wilson. After all, you were definitely the 2nd best football team in that stadium yesterday. HAHAHA.

AARON RODGERS

THIS IS AWESOME. Seeing Russell Wilson eat shit like this is SO MUCH FUN.

NATIONWIDE INSURANCE

Oh you’re having fun, eh? Well let us depress you with a sweet story about an adorable little kid... WHO FUCKING DIED.

ALEX SMITH

WHAT THE HELL, NATIONWIDE INSURANCE? That was the saddest Super Bowl ad of all time!

MATT RYAN

Couldn’t you at least have added a catchy jingle to make it more fun to watch?

PEYTON MANNING

Something like:
♫♩♪NATIONWIDE SURE LOVES DEAD KIDS ♫♩♪

CARSON PALMER

DAMMIT. Now that song is stuck in my head again.

TOM BRADY

AHHHHH. It feels SO RIGHT to be winning Super Bowls again. It’s so easy, just like riding a bike.

TOM BRADY

Or Jay Cutler’s Mom. Whichever is easier.

RGIII

That would definitely be Cutler’s mom.

DREW BREES

Ugh. These “Cutler’s Mom” jokes are SO played out.

PHILIP RIVERS

The thing about “Your Mom” jokes is that they’ve been done a thousand times, by a thousand different people.

ANDY DALTON

Just like Cutler’s Mom?

PHILIP RIVERS

Exactly.

TOM BRADY

BACK TO ME NOW! BACK TO ME AND MY MAGNIFICENT, QUADRO-CHAMPIONSHIP STATUS!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Look Brady, we get it. You’re proud of your team’s four titles. Good for you.

JOE FLACCO

Yeah. And maybe one day you'll actually get one without an asterisk next to it from a cheating scandal.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE THEY NEVER WIN WITHOUT SOME SORT OF CONTROVERSY HANGING OVER THEIR HEADS.

TOM BRADY

OH YEAH? Well just for that comment, I’m going to be invoking the very special “Tom Brady Winning The Super Bowl” rule.

TOM BRADY

Over the course of the offseason, I will be banging ALL of your various wives/girlfriends/daughters/freaky blow-up hermaphroditic sex dolls.

SAM BRADFORD

He had to add that last one because of me.

TOM BRADY

What a spring and summer this will be. I’M GONNA BE POUNDING MORE CHICKS THAN MICHAEL VICK AT A COCKFIGHT WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER. WHOOOOOO.

GENO SMITH

Great. Like Tom Brady wasn’t insufferable enough before?

MATT RYAN

Now that he has Super Bowl #4, I can’t imagine anyone becoming more obnoxious than him.

BILL BELICHICK

HEY AMERICA, ANYONE WANNA WEIGH MY BALLS NOW? BECAUSE THEY SURE DO FEEL BIGGER THAN NORMAL! AHAHAHAHA.

PHILIP RIVERS

Bill Belichick? Normally grumpy Patriots head coach who rarely speaks in anything but monosyllabic grumbles?

BILL BELICHICK

NOT TODAY RIVERS, YOU SORRY-ASS, FLOPPY-ARMED BAG OF GOAT SPERM! Today Bill Belichick is gettin' his BRAG SWAG ON.

BILL BELICHICK

WHOOOOOO. LICK MY TAINT, NFL. ‘CAUSE BIG BILL IS NOW A MUTHAFUCKIN’ FOUR-TIME SUPER BOWL WINNING COACH LOLOLOL.

ANDREW LUCK

How do you do it, Coach Belichick? How do you keep your team on top year after year like you do?

BILL BELICHICK

Oh, I like to think it’s a combination of hard work, film study, tough practices, and my personal pact with Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness.

JOE FLACCO

A-HA! I KNEW IT. I always figured Bill Belichick was working for the Devil somehow.

BILL BELICHICK

The fuck I am. THE DEVIL WORKS FOR ME.

SATAN

I delivered a Super Bowl win for you as you commanded, Lord Belichick. May I please have my pitchfork and red cloak back now?

TONY ROMO

I. HATE. EVERY. ONE. OF. YOU. ASSHOLES!

RGIII

Huh? Who flipped your bitch switch, Romo?

TONY ROMO

Yet again, absolutely NO ONE showed up to my Super Bowl party! NOT ONE OF YOU!

ALEX SMITH

Oh, was that this weekend?

TONY ROMO

YOU KNOW IT WAS!

TONY ROMO

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? I thought this year was different for me?

ANDY DALTON

This year was different Romo. Your Cowboys played great, and won the division. You even won a playoff game.

CARSON PALMER

And you yourself were consistently sharp all year long, without any spectacular game-choking derp moments.

RYAN TANNEHILL

So yes, this year was different in many, MANY ways from a typical Dallas Cowboys season.

ELI MANNING

The only thing that remained the same is that we all still hate your ever-living guts.

TONY ROMO

DAMMIT I imported dozens of fine Italian Prosciutto rolls and Norwegian Jarlsberg cheese wedges for you ungrateful assheads.

TONY ROMO

SINCE NONE OF YOU TWATBAGS WERE THERE TO EAT THEM. I ENDED UP TOSSING THEM ALL TO MY DOG!

JAY CUTLER

Let me guess: I’ll bet your cat intercepted, like, half of them, right?

TONY ROMO

WRONG. My dog caught every single one of them. Although on the last one, he did take three steps then gently laid the cheese down on the floor.

DEZ BRYANT

Sounds like a catch to me.

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

I hope all you ruffians are aware that yours truly, TEDDY THROWSEVELT, was named the "Pepsi Rookie of the Year"

JOHNNY MANZIEL

Big deal. I'm the official QB of Coke.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

AS IN COCAINE.

TOM BRADY

SAVE IT, BONGWATER. YOUR NOODLE ARM STINKS WORSE THAN ONE OF MARSHAWN LYNCH’S SKITTLEFARTS

TOM BRADY

I, on the other hand, won a truly important award: YET ANOTHER SUPER BOWL MVP TROPHY.

CHEVROLET MOTOR COMPANY

Congrats Tom. You win a Chevy truck. Where would you like it?

TOM BRADY

Ah, just throw it on the pile with the others, I guess.

TOM BRADY

I tell you, when you’re as awesome as me, winning MVP trophies is as easy as falling off a log

DREW BREES

Or like falling off Cutler’s mom.

ANDY DALTON

See, now you’re getting it.

MATT RYAN

Just like Cutler’s Mom.

DREW BREES

Fine. Go ahead. Get all these “Mom jokes” out of your system.

DREW BREES

Might as well, since it’s our last convo and all.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Yeah, use them up, since this is our last… WAIT, IT’S OUR WHAT?!?!

DREW BREES

Our last convo. What, did you think this was going to go on forever and ever. It’s not the Cleveland Browns Super Bowl drought, you know.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Wow. This is the last convo, eh? So how do we wrap it all up then?

CARSON PALMER

Maybe we get sued, and all the people we've ever wronged could come back to testify against us?

JERRY SEINFELD

NO! That would be the worst finale of all time!

RGIII

We could play a song by Journey, then abruptly smash cut to black halfway through.

TONY SOPRANO

Don’t. The audience will NEVER forgive you for it.

ALEX SMITH

Maybe this whole thing has been one long dream by Bob Newhart?

JOE FLACCO

If so, then Bob Newhart sure is one twisted dude.

BOB NEWHART

FUCK YOU FLACCO, YOU WORTHLESS PERIOD CRAMP OF A MAN!

MATT RYAN

This can't be the end you guys! Couldn’t we keep on doing these convos every week, you know, like a TV show?

RON HOWARD

Nah, I don't see it as a TV show. Maybe a movie?

RYAN TANNEHILL

Wow. If this really is our last convo, it seems kind of anti-climactic.

LAUREN TANNEHILL

Oh, like you know anything about climaxing.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE HE’S IMPOTENT.

ANDY DALTON

I think what Tannehill is saying is that it's weird to have a final QB convo without one last Russell Wilson troll.

TOM BRADY

SUCKS FOR HIM. I'm the Super Bowl MVP, my Patriots are WORLD CHAMPIONS, and we denied that little SeaSchmuck his last chance at a parting troll!

RUSSELL WILSON

You’ve got me there. I’m as embarrassed as a guy who sleeps on “My Little Pony” bedsheets.

TOM BRADY

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT. BECAUSE I BEAT YOU WORSE THAN A... hey wait a minute here.

TOM BRADY

“Victoria’s Secret calendar?” “Axe cologne?” “Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Creed CDs?” “My Little Pony bedsheets?” Those are all things I have in MY bedroom.

TOM BRADY

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY BEDROOM LOOKS LIKE, WILSON?!

GISELE BÜNDCHEN

He knoes deese tings because vhile you vere out celebrating your silly futbal veectory vit all your smelly teammates, Russell Wilson humped me in our bedroom like a horny Schnauzer in a room full of throw pillows.

TOM BRADY

HE WHAT?!?!?!

GISELE BÜNDCHEN

ZAT IS RIGHT, MEIN CHEATING LITTLE LIPSCHEN. You think zat you can spend three years whoring around vit every other quarterback’s wife, and not face some sexy retribution, BIG BÜNDCHEN STYLE?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Okay, what the hell kind of accent is she doing? German? Russian? Brazilian?

PHILIP RIVERS

I think it’s a mixture of French Polynesian, East Czechoslovakian, and Romulan.

TOM BRADY

GISELLE, YOU BANGED RUSSELL WILSON? IN MY OWN BEDROOM? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!

RUSSELL WILSON

Well, this certainly is Hawkward.

GISELE BÜNDCHEN

EET ZUKS TO BE YOU, MY UNFAITHFUL LEETLE BABOOSHKA.

GISELE BÜNDCHEN

THOMAS, YOU HAF BEEN SCREWING AROUND ON OUR MARRIAGE FOR TOO LONG. ZAT IS WHY I TOOK ANOTHER LOVER INTO OUR BED, AND PLEASURED HIM WHILE WHISPERING SOFTLY INTO HIS EAR.

TOM BRADY

Whispering? WHISPERING WHAT??

RUSSELL WILSON

She said it was nice to finally be with a quarterback who knows how to go deep.

TOM BRADY

HOW DARE YOU, RUSSELL WILSON! THAT IS MY WIFE YOU SLEPT WITH. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?!

DREW BREES

Okay, fair’s fair, Wilson. You know what Brady’s bedroom looks like, so now you have to tell us: what’s in your bedroom?

RUSSELL WILSON

Not too much. Just a framed photo of the “Fail Mary” touchdown, the Lombardi trophy I won against the Broncos, and a display case containing Tom Brady’s wife’s panties.

TOM BRADY

GODDAMMIT WILSON, I WILL JAM MY SUPER BOWL MVP AWARD DIRECTLY UP YOUR PEEHOLE!

PEYTON MANNING

THEN I WILL TWIRL IT COUNTERCLOCKWISE UNTIL YOUR DICK FLAYS OPEN LIKE A BLOOMING ONION!

AARON RODGERS

AND FINALLY, I WILL PEEL BACK YOUR SLICED COCKSKIN AND WRAP IT AROUND YOUR PINT SIZED BODY UNTIL YOU’RE WRAPPED UP LINE A TEENY TINY LITTLE MEAT CIGAR FOR ME TO SMOKE!

DREW BREES

G’BYE EVERYONE!

PORKY PIG

Th-Th-Th-THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

PASTA LA VISTA, BABY!

NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: “GOODBYE, FAREWELL, AND AMEN”

Leave a Reply

74 Comments

  1. mister83

    September 25, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    Way to completely let down all the people who supported you asshole

  2. dmcwm

    September 25, 2015 at 8:49 am

    I miss you more than you’ll ever know.

  3. Booger15

    September 17, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    For the love of God please come back.

  4. Hich

    May 19, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Sooo… So much for things to publish over the course of the spring, then? Seriously, why’d the NFL save so much juicy gossip for your hiatus?!

    That’s my whiny, pissed-off way of saying we miss you. Come back, man!

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  6. Sam Bradford

    March 26, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    I posted this comment just so that there could be 69 comments.

  7. ItsJustjake

    March 9, 2015 at 9:21 am

    This was the only reason to visit the site.

    Bookmark deleted. So long, and thanks for the laughs.

  8. ScottusMaximus

    February 26, 2015 at 12:50 am

    Travelling to work, bored out of my tiny mind and entertaining myself by reading all the old posts.*

    Pretty sad to see this end, I have howled with laughter and learned so many new insults. Watching the games, I applied PFM personalities to the real guys and used every character trait against my buddies who supported opposing teams. Entertained is an understatement. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

    I’ll check back from time to time in the hope that we’ll see a special edition or two. Or, if not, I’ll do a Manti Te’o and just imagine one.

    Thanks for the sniggers!

    *Although I always wondered why week after week, Eli got off lightly. :-)

  9. 0LucksGiven

    February 22, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    I have loved these posts for the past few years. They made me look forward to Monday’s. I share them with my friends and always enjoyed the great references to that week’s games and events. Keep up the great work and I can’t wait to keep laughing at the rest of the content of this site.

  10. GoColts61

    February 13, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    Just created acct to say Thanks for making me literally LOL for the last few years. I appreciate all the effort and hilarity that ensued from (almost) every article. From Peyton GODDAMN Manning to Sam Bradford’s fucked up situation to the epic trolling from Russell Wilson to Big Ben explaining EVRYRHING, it has all been great. I will check back when some big news comes along and hope to be surprised with a return Convo but if not, thanks again and Go Colts!

  11. SamBradfordsSexTherapist

    February 5, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    Thank you for the years of effort and dedication for this wonderful little page. Laughing as hard as I have at all the hilarious jokes must have taken quite some effort. Glad you are going out while you still enjoyed it and it not becoming a chore to do. Appreciate the honesty!! I won’t lie and pretend that I came to this site for other reasons than the fake chat. But I think I owe you guys at least some loyalty so I’m still going to keep coming much like my patient, Sam, who is a dirty dirty whore.
    As sad as I am about it ending, I am much happier knowing it never got tedious. That’s so
    Much better than it going on for ten years and being shitty.
    Good luck with everything after this and thanks again!
    Cheers

  12. jkjeffords

    February 5, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    NOOOOOOOO – say it isn’t so!! Damn, I’m going to miss this! I’d check the page throughout the day on Mondays so I’d be able to read it “hot off the presses.” I’ll never forget the Cutler’s mom jokes, the Sam Bradford freak show, Roethlisberger explaining everything … OMG what will I do next year??

  13. Guy Who Whispers Penis

    February 5, 2015 at 6:39 am

    One last one:
    *Whispers* Penis

    • Guy Who Hates The Guy Who Whispers Penis

      February 9, 2015 at 11:00 am

      Who am I kidding, I’m going to miss the penis whisper most of all.

  14. Tito Las Vegas

    February 4, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    *reads title*
    “Huh. That was the title of the last episode of MASH. I’m sure it’s just because it’s the end of the season. There’s no way this is ending.”
    *finishes article*
    “Aw dammit.”

    Thanks for the laughs. If ever I met Russell Wilson I’m going to ask if he trolls Aaron Rodgers in real life, and if not, why not.

  15. davelog

    February 4, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    Thanks for the past couple seasons of solid entertainment. For what it’s worth, I’ll never see these guys on TV or whatever and not immediately think of their PFM personalities as the real deal. You’ve forever tainted my impression of the NFL elite. Well done.

  16. ltrftp

    February 4, 2015 at 5:34 am

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/!!!!!

    this was hands down one of the high points of my week. It got to the point I heard guys during the games as they post here. Seriously, I looked forward to football season because it brought back QB’s on FB.
    First it’s Peanuts, then Calvin and Hobbes, now NFL QB’s on FB. Sonofabitch.

    Cutler’s mom is a dirty slut. (maybe….she may be a very nice lady in real life, just keeping it going)

  17. ILoveMyGBPackers

    February 3, 2015 at 5:50 pm

    I am yet another one who created a username just to sincerely thank you for the QBs on Facebook posts! I would stalk the page waiting for this update every Monday knowing that I’d get at least one spray-my-screen moment per convo. Absolutely loved it and appreciate your work very much. Rachel

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  19. DangerRuss

    February 3, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    Way to finish on top. Every convo I have ever read has had its moments of pure genius, this one was genius start to finish. Monday’s won’t ever be the same.
    BTW – were you intentionally saving the Gisele bit for your swan song? No better way to end it than to turn the tables on Brady when it should have been his moment to shine.
    Moment of silence for the departed….

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  21. Gruesome

    February 3, 2015 at 7:47 am

    Dude.

    You are one funny motherfucker. I cannot refer to the Bronco’s quarterback without the GODDAMN in the middle now. Thanks for the laughs. More specifically, thanks for making me spew coffee on my keyboard more than once. The force is strong with you, dude.

    Oh, and thanks for that Katy Perry gif. I’ll be staring at that for hours.

    Whatever game we were playing, you just won it.

  22. Maverick Mopete

    February 3, 2015 at 5:52 am

    The hardest part of doing any comedy project (TV Show, Website, NFL QBs on Facebook) for an extended period of time is knowing when it’s time to fold it and let it end gracefully rather than let it drag on and eventually become a zombie, where everything is automatic and any humor is strictly repetitious repeats of well-worn running gags.

    That being said, I think you found the perfect note to end this on. There was plenty of things to mock this season, such as Deflategate and Johnny Man-Did-He-Smell. And you’re going to be losing that latter one since Johnny Football is now Johnny Rehab.

    This truly feels like a “Jump The Shark” season for comedy (with apologies to Happy Days), so it’s probably for the best that you chose to end it here and now rather than trying to drag it out for one more season (with no apologies to Brett Favre).

    But being a reader of “NFL QBs on Facebook” ever since I stumbled across it on TV Tropes, I truly enjoyed the ride you took us on, and will continue to be a viewer of this site for my NFL Football “News.” Sometimes, something that ia parodied is remembered long after the original has been forgotten (Just ask Weird Al Yankovic!), and the parody news stories on this site will certainly keep me (and hopefully others) laughing and reading for a long time.

    TL;DR: Thank you for all the time you spent making this, and for ending it it top, contrary to your closing statement above.

  23. PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING

    February 3, 2015 at 5:19 am

    YOU’RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO END THIS WHEN **I** WIN A GODDAMN SUPER BOWL!!! THE GREATEST QB OF ALL TIME!!!!

    • Russell Wilson

      February 4, 2015 at 2:34 pm

      They could have ended it last year, too.

      • PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING

        March 6, 2015 at 1:19 pm

        DAMMIT WILSON, I WILL ORDER 75 ANCHOVY AND ONION PIZZAS TO YOUR HOUSE EVERY WEEKEND FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS

  24. Jimbo

    February 3, 2015 at 3:32 am

    While it sucks that they are ending, it’s nice to see them go out this way than become like ” The Dugout” did. Better to go out while still being good than lose it’s humor. Thank you, though I will miss Russell Wilson trolling Aaron Rodgers.

  25. congladiator

    February 3, 2015 at 3:15 am

    Registered just to say thank you for all of the laughs!

  26. pondbridge

    February 3, 2015 at 12:06 am

    Dave, this stuff was and is hilarious, with just enough truth to the personnas to make every week a milk-up-the-nose-moment. Re the giant green butt-plug, I never thought I’d find anyone else with the same (sick) sense of humor. Goodell and his malfunctioning administrative robots have taken a lot of the fun out of the game in recent years. You’ve put it back. By the way, has Cutler’s real Mom ever contacted you guys (in person or via lawyer) or did you just take the easy way out and pay for a hit?

  27. Jim in NYC

    February 2, 2015 at 10:27 pm

    (for some reason, this posted as a reply to someone else!)

    Well, once my buddies talked me in from the ledge (it was friggin’ cold out there anyway), I took a deep breath, and realized that all things must end, even the ongoing QB convos (nice M*A*S*H reference in the title, by the way). My boss is going to have to get used to not hearing me laugh my posterior off every Monday afternoon. And please do bring them back when something major happens, because in a snark-filled world, it’s nice to see some genuine wit.

  28. Eliot

    February 2, 2015 at 9:58 pm

    Like others, I registered just to say thank you. For the last three years, this has been the best thing about Mondays. I get that it’s a labor of love for you, but know that you have at least one reader who would gladly be a paying subscriber. Keep up the awesome work on the site — after all, soon the NFL is going to throw you a Deflategate special that ought to be easier pickings than a Wilson 2-point conversion.

  29. PackerMatt

    February 2, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    While I’m sad to see these conversations wont be a regular piece anymore, I’m glad you will still be posting funny articles. I visit this website almost as much as I do NFL.com and more than I do profootballtalk.

    Thanks for all the laughs. The last Wilson troll was by far the best!

  30. druss

    February 2, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    I just want to say I had to finally make a name and password just to say “THANK YOU!” Thank you so much for these chats each and every Monday during the football season. My friends and I look forward to every Monday and texting a great line from someone (normally Bradford) to the rest of us just to say “I read it first!” We all loved these facebook chats, and even take on the persona’s that you created while watching a football game. “Peyton GOD DAMN Manning” could not have been used more. Or a dumb ass comment by Big Ben. I am so going to miss these, but can totally understand why you said what you said. All I can say is thank you again. I haven’t laughed this hard at something on the Internet this often ever. You guys truly rock. I will miss the chats, but I’m looking forward to the stories. Thanks again, and Good luck!

  31. Guy Who Hates The Guy Who Whispers Penis

    February 2, 2015 at 7:34 pm

    Knew it had to end sometime, but honestly, thanks so much for making my Mondays bearable! I actually thought about what the convo each week would look like while watching the games. It was great fun these past 3 seasons! I will miss it but still will enjoy the rest of this brilliant site!!

    OK, one last time even though I hate this:

    whispers *penis*

  32. Mick

    February 2, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    Argh! My cousin turned me on to this site after our beloved Giants won the SB following the 2011 season, on the QBs on FB cracked me up. I share you hilarity frequently, but my Mondays will be bleaker without this feature. I have been looking forward to it for three years now. Thanks for the laughs!

  33. Justin

    February 2, 2015 at 7:06 pm

    I will truly miss NFL QBs on Facebook being a weekly post during every NFL Season. I happened to find this website when a friend posted the first NFL QBs convo and I became extremely interested in it. I’m not one of those people that have been reading these since the beginning but I surely became a loyal reader and read every NFL QBs convo on this website multiple times. I became disappointed when CollegeFootballMock shut down without any archive of Heisman Hopefuls on Facebook. Johnny Manziel, Jameis Winston, Teddy Bridgewater, etc. would show off their stats against a various team that week and that would be their reason on why they should be the Heisman Trophy Winner. Now, PFM will “discontinue” NFL QBs on Facebook? I’m hoping that they decide to do at least one Historic NFL QBs on Facebook like what they did in “MARK MY WORDS” with a past selected year. I know Facebook has only been up since 2006 to the public so there’s not much variety but it would be interesting to read.

  34. Sholly73

    February 2, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    Thank you so much for the QB convos! I’ve seen many things on the Internet that have given me chuckles, but this series is one of the few that has had me bursting out loud with laughter. I know writing isn’t easy and it had to end eventually, but I’m still gonna miss it. The articles and other features are pretty funny, but it was the QB convos that brought me here and cracked me up the most.

    All the best Dave, and GO BROWNS! They WILL go back to the playoffs one day, and when they do, my daughter will drive us there! (She’s 3 now.)

  35. toadofsteel

    February 2, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    Can you at least keep the intercepted texts coming? That would let you write up about an individual quarterback’s personality whenever they do something media-worthy, and not have to shoehorn every quarterback in the game into it all.

  36. Malcolm Butler is God

    February 2, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    Thanks man for all the laughs, this made Monday’s more palatable for the last couple of years. I have seen all of the convo’s (and also have had this account the whole time, don’t let the name fool you) and while I’m sad that this is the end I’m also pumped that it will end with my boy TB12 on top. You should do more of the Jefferson Keel-Dan Snyder texts and more beast mode opinion articles, I would rather read him talk about Syria than Sean Hannity or some other douche. Anyway, thanks for all the laughs and good luck with your sexting endeavors. And oh yeah, may this site live on for MANY MOONS.

  37. GutterBallGT

    February 2, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    I’m honestly sad to see this feature go, but I definitely understand trying to keep a series fresh. So I’ll grudgingly say goodbye to explain-raping Ben (my personal favorite), super-perv Bradford, Phillip “The Summarizer” Rivers, Peyton Goddamn Manning, and — perhaps most grudgingly of all — Jay Cutler’s mom. She’s given us all a good ride.

    I mean, it’s been a good ride, PFM. Thanks for all the laughs. There have been many.

    • Jim in NYC

      February 2, 2015 at 10:22 pm

      I see what you did there…

    • Jim in NYC

      February 2, 2015 at 10:27 pm

      Well, once my buddies talked me in from the ledge (it was friggin’ cold out there anyway), I took a deep breath, and realized that all things must end, even the ongoing QB convos (nice M*A*S*H reference in the title, by the way). My boss is going to have to get used to not hearing me laugh my posterior off every Monday afternoon. And please do bring them back when something major happens, because in a snark-filled world, it’s nice to see some genuine wit.

  38. Ben Roethlisberger

    February 2, 2015 at 5:28 pm

    I’m breaking character to say that the end of this series seriously makes me really sad, but it’s your site man. Thanks for the laughs. I looked forward to this every Monday, and this was a good way to end it. Thank you again, even though this news breaks my heart. Keep posting funny stories that a continuously share on facebook :)

  39. 12thEm

    February 2, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Just created this profile so I could comment. These convos have brought we tremendous joy the last couple of years. I used to read them at my desk and stifle the giggles so no one would know I wasn’t working. I looked forward to them every week.

    The best part is after reading them for a while I actually started to associate the personalities in the convos with them in real life. I saw Sam Bradford at a game and I actually had to remind myself he wasn’t a pervert!

    While watching the Seahawks dismantle Greenbay in the final minutes of the NFC Championship Game I couldn’t wait to see what you guys did with it.

    Thanks so much for the good times!

  40. The3GLegend

    February 2, 2015 at 4:04 pm

    You should let us make the convos from now on.

    Yes. Us as in the people in the comments with the Ben Roethlisberger comments. It would be interesting to see.

    • AnonyMOOSE

      February 2, 2015 at 7:16 pm

      It would just end up like last offseason. Started out great, then some people whined and ruined the whole thing and it ended up terribly.

  41. Anonymous

    February 2, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    Even in defeat Wilson always gets the last laugh. And always gets his troll.
    As for the convos. It can’t end like this! I thought this site made some cash with its advertisements. I looked forward to the convos every Monday…

    • Anonymous

      February 2, 2015 at 4:31 pm

      I really wish this a joke or some kind of temporary thing. But if its permanent than NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Also the reality is the convos will continue anyways. In the comment section that is.

  42. Daniel Taylor

    February 2, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    It’s been a pleasure reading these conversations throughout the past 3 seasons. I hope you do continue to make these convos, just don’t put the pressure on yourself to it every week. And know that most everyone here enjoys reading these and re-reading these. Hope you do some sparingly during the season. Can’t have a packers-Seahawks game without a facebook QB convo lol.

  43. ACW

    February 2, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    NOOOOOOOOOOO
    ALEX SMITH: Yeah, I guess you really have to hand it to that guy.
    PETE CARROLL: I disagree.
    Heh.

  44. DenverBroncosFan86

    February 2, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Dave,
    I’ve been reading the convos almost since the beginning, and I just wanted to tell you how much I have enjoyed reading these every Monday. Honestly, they’ve kind of become the thing I look forward to seeing during the season. Even when the football itself isn’t all that interesting the Sunday before, you find a way to make it funny and relevant and I just wanted to tell you how much I really appreciate it. Of course I understand you have other interests and you don’t want to wear out the act. The personalities you’ve developed for the quarterbacks are so creative… Have you ever considered changing the medium to a video format rather than written text? Sometimes the script almost reads like an animated short, and I know you’re busy and maybe don’t have a ton of time to devote to that kind of project, but there might be people who would be willing to help. Regardless, thank you for all the effort, the laughter, and the ties. They will be missed.
    Nathan

    • PFM Staff

      February 2, 2015 at 4:11 pm

      Thank you for those kind words, Nathan. I have considered using a video format for some material on the site (I’m actually a video editor in my day job), but that requires more time and resources than I have to devote to this hobby.

      That said, I have some ideas for some new mediums I might try to work in for next season. Parody music, possibly. Who knows?

      Thanks again.

  45. ifhss

    February 2, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I sincerely feel sad. The only time I remember feeling sorta like this was in May of 2013 when my favorite Mexican soccer team pretty much gave away the championship in like the last 5 minutes of regular time to the rivals from the same city. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! as Rodgers said recently:

    • ifhss

      February 2, 2015 at 3:41 pm

      FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

      • ifhss

        February 2, 2015 at 3:42 pm

        haha it doesnt even fit… FFFFUUUUCCCKKK

  46. PFM Comments

    February 2, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    I liked to use these as a sort of summation for the football week. They weren’t always awesome but were usually really good and always worth reading. Sure some of them were a little tired, the alternate universe and opposite days come to mind, but I’m sure most of us readers understand how hard it is to do it every week so we kind of overlook it.

    If the QB’s on Facebook thing didn’t go viral I never would have found this site. I’ve read other parody sites before too, like The Brushback, but the common thing with all of these is they generally exist for a couple of years and then kind of disappear. It takes a long time to write the stuff, and people also lose motivation and get more responsibility. Generally it’s done by college students or people early in their careers, especially before marriage. So I know it’s always going to be limited in time and so I always make sure to enjoy it when it’s happening.

    I’m sure eventually this site in general will start to slow down and eventually stop.

    So before that happens, I want to express my thanks to you and the entire staff at PFM for bringing some joy into our lives and making us laugh. When the time comes to move on, I also wish you the best of luck in everything going forward.

    • PFM Staff

      February 2, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      Thank you very much for saying that. I know what you mean about the shelf life of sites like this being 2-3 years or so. (I used to LOVE the Brushback – I wish that guy would start writing it again)

      For what it’s worth, I do want to keep PFM going for many moons to come, but I know that without the convos, readership will seriously dwindle. But tt’s cool. I’m okay with that. My #1 goal with this site is just to have fun doing it, not to make money. And I do still enjoy writing the articles, texts, things like that, even if they don’t pull in the same kind of readership numbers. But the convos just got to be too labor intensive. But we’ll see how the future goes. Maybe they’ll make sporadic returns in the future. Thanks again for your nice comment.

  47. Jester

    February 2, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    A day after watching the Seahawks throw the game away at the end, I find out that I won’t have this brilliance to look forward to next season? Talk about a one-two punch to the gut! Well, at least the Donkeys didn’t win it all, and hopefully one of your new projects approaches the brilliance of this stuff. But honestly, this was the best part of the site by far, so it’s gonna be a tough act to follow.

  48. NatureB

    February 2, 2015 at 3:09 pm

    You can’t end this. This is great stuff and needs to continue. Only thing I wished for that the convos was on Tuesday to get the MNF game in the convos. Hopefully this isn’t the end, but thanks for the ride!

    • PFM Staff

      February 2, 2015 at 3:22 pm

      Hey Nature, I considered doing the QB convos on Tuesdays for a while, but decided against it because Monday is pretty much “National Talk About Football Day.” Besides, at least half of the Monday matchups were just too snoozeworthy to delay the whole convo for. But you never know. Maybe if I ever resurrect these things, I’ll do it on, like, Thursday or Friday maybe. Make it more of a preview of the coming games as opposed to a review of the games just passed. I dunno. We’ll see how it goes next year. Thanks for your comment, and happy offseason!

  49. Random

    February 2, 2015 at 3:08 pm

    Thank you guys for the laughs. I feared this day would come but at least you chose the end of the season instead of stopping halfway through.

  50. broncos8797

    February 2, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    Thank you so much Dave. I seriously just created this account to express my thanks. As a stressed high school senior, I would look forward to these every Monday night (especially when my broncos lose, always loved the persona on Peyton btw). Thank you so much for all the time and effort over the last 2 years, and even though I would love to see the occasional return with a convo, you do whatever you feel and please don’t feel obligated to pull something out of nothing. Thanks for all the laughs for the past 2 seasons.
    -John Smith

    • PFM Staff

      February 2, 2015 at 3:19 pm

      Thanks John. That’s really cool of you to say, and I appreciate it, Enjoy your offseason, and good luck to your Broncos next year!

  51. burketv

    February 2, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    Seriously, the other stuff on this site isn’t half as funny as these posts, even when they suck. The score-boards having convos? The random texting between…whoever the fuck they pick? Also, leaving Aaron Rodgers winning the MVP trophy after losing to Wilson was low hanging fruit, maybe you want us to talk about the only other important thing that happened during the last week of football other than a million Jay Cutler’s mom jokes? Yeesh guys, way to go out mediocre.

    • burketv

      February 2, 2015 at 2:51 pm

      And I just unbookmarked the page. Smell ya later!

  52. skittlecar1

    February 2, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    Thank you!!!! For the past few years, you guys made something to look forward to on a Monday afternoon! Thanks again!

  53. Typical Seahawk Fan

    February 2, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    This is the worst thing to ever happen to the Pacific Northwest!!!! FUCK YOU DARRELL BEVELL!! Please kill yourself! That was a stupid call and you threw Ricardo Lockett under the bus! It’s YOUR FAULT and YOUR FAULT alone that the Cheatriots have a 4th Super Bowl ring and those classless jerks had to rub it in while taking a knee starting a fight with our humble defense. Fuck you New England and FUCK YOU EVEN MORE DARRELL BEVELL!! And how the fuck did Matt Ryan know I was going to get an Atlanta Hawks jersey!? I’d burn my 12th man jersey but then my dad said he wouldn’t buy me another one if I did!! This isn’t fucking fair!!!! FUCK YOU SEATTLE! MY LIFE IS RUINED!

    #youhaventseenthelastofme!!hawksforlife!

    • AnonyMOOSE

      February 2, 2015 at 7:24 pm

      Well, you were going to get an Atlanta Hawks jersey but then they just lost to the New Orleans Pelicans (the dumbest team name in all of sports btw)

      • Random

        February 3, 2015 at 7:57 am

        Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim is the worst. It forces to people who say the name to be redundant in 2 different languages. They should have kept it at California Angels or called them Anaheim Angels.

        • AnonyMOOSE

          February 3, 2015 at 3:24 pm

          Well in terms of the team nickname, its between the Pelicans and the Ducks. Agreed though the Angels should either become the Anaheim angels or the LA Angels, go with one or the other.

  54. pondbridge

    February 2, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    Great stuff. This has become a cult art form. But what am I going to do with that giant green Parisian butt-plug. I know, I know ‘Nothing at all, with that attitude’.

  55. UMadBro8

    February 2, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    Welp.. I’m done with this site

    This makes me pissed

  56. AnonyMOOSE

    February 2, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    I know they will be back. I just know it.

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