WHOO-HOO! THE DENVER BRONCOS ARE THE 2014 FREE AGENCY CHAMPIONS, BITCHES!
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
Manning, your nuts must be bigger than your grotesquely swollen forehead for you to show up here bragging after that ass-kicking you took in the Super Bowl.
6 hours ago . Like
ANCIENT HISTORY, TWATBAG. The Super Bowl was LAST season.
THIS YEAR, on the other hand, the Denver Broncos and PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING are running wild over the rest of the so-called competition.
That’s because JOHN ELWAY AND HIS BIG-ASS WALLET are signing the shit outta EVERY free agent there is.
Just lookit who I brought in so far: Aqib Talib. T.J. Ward. Emmanuel Sanders.
Not to mention DeMARCUS FUCKING WARE! HE’S GONNA CARRY US RIGHT TO THE SUPER BOWL!
KEEP DREAMING TAINTLICKER. Signing some washed up former defensive superstar is NOT going to get your team back to the Super Bowl.
HAHAHA SUCKS TO BE YOU TOM BRADY. Once again, what was yours is now mine. WELCOME TO DENVER AQIB TALIB!
BIG WHOOP, DONKEYDICK. We don’t need him anymore. We got DARRELLE REVIS NOW.
YES!!!! DARRELLE REVIS IS THE BEST CORNER IN THE GAME!!!
Didn’t you used to say that he was extremely overrated?
Yes, but he wasn’t on our team then.
IT’S NOT FAIR! Darrelle Revis, we thought you were gonna sign with the Browns!
Are you kidding? NO WAY do I want to play in Cleveland.
Ooh, ooh! What is, “Things being said right now by Johnny Manziel, Teddy Bridgewater and Blake Bortles?”
HAHAHA. NO ONE WILL BEAT THE MIGHTY BRONCOS THIS SEASON.
Well hopefully the 49ers can. I was traded to them last week.
Jonathan Martin? Lonely lunch eater and hazing victim of the '13 Dolphins?
HOLY SHIT, AN ACTUAL MIAMI DOLPHIN? IN OUR LOCKER ROOM?!?! THIS IS THE GREATEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME!
JONATHAN MARTIN, I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN. CAN YOU GET ME COACH JOE PHILBIN’S AUTOGRAPH?
Yeah, I think I have it on an affidavit here somewhere.
MIAMI DOLPHINS RULE, WHOOOO!
Well I’m looking forward to playing with you guys.
Welcome aboard, J-Mart! As the new guy you have to bring in a dozen doughnuts to the next team meeting. LOL j/k.
FOR GOD’S SAKE, NO ONE BE MEAN TO HIM!
I was just joking. It’s a good-natured tradition that we…
DO YOU WANT TO BE SUSPENDED FOR HAZING? HUH? OR GET A BUNCH OF COACHES FIRED FOR ENCOURAGING LOCKER ROOM BRUTALITY?
I really just wanted a glazed cruller.
WE MUST ALL TREAT JONATHAN MARTIN LIKE THE DELICATE FABERGE EGG HE IS!
JONATHAN MARTIN, PLEASE DON'T REPORT US TO THE NFL's INTERNAL INVESTIGATION GESTAPO!
I PROMISE YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE RACIST TEXTS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER OR SISTER. WE WILL ALL SIT RIGHT NEXT TO YOU DURING LUNCH! NO ONE WILL MAKE MEAN COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR FACE!
Look, you don’t need to treat me any differently. All I ask is to be shown basic human respect and... wait, what's wrong with my face?
NOTHING! IT'S THE WORLD'S MOST PERFECTLY HANDSOME, RUGGED FACE. WHY, IT'S LIKE BRAD PITT AND TAYE DIGGS WERE SMUSHED INTO A BLENDER AND THEN POURED DIRECTLY ONTO YOUR SKULL!
Um, okay. Well, after what went down in Miami last year, I’m tired of being harassed, abused, and pushed around while at work.
Then you’re definitely not going to enjoy meeting us.
Well I completely support you Jonathan. The racist texts you received last year were awful. NO ONE should have to be insulted because of the color of their skin.
Tell that to Daniel Snyder.
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE. I just signed J.J. Watt to a massive contract.
But I’m not a free agent.
YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT YOU’RE NOT. Because you’ll be a Bronco for the next 10 years.
I WANT ALL THE FREE AGENTS. GIMME GIMME GIMME!
You don’t get all the free agents, pardner. ‘Cause old Jerry Jones is scooping up some BIG TIME TALENT for his team too.
5 hours ago . Like
(crosses fingers) Please-please-please just for once be a halfway decent player pleeeease.
WELCOME TO BIG D, BRANDON WEEDEN.
FUCK. When do the Yankees open the season?
HAHAHA DALLAS SCREWS UP YET ANOTHER OFFSEASON.
This isn’t fair! WE’RE AMERICA’S TEAM! WE HAVE FIVE SUPER BOWL TITLES!
We expect to receive magnificent, everlasting glory, but instead we’re stuck in this world of never-ending pain and suffering!
Ooh, ooh! What is, “Things Fred Phelps said to the Devil upon arriving in hell?”
Hey, you know what we could use? Another red zone threat. JIMMY GRAHAM, I’M SIGNING YOU.
You can’t sign me because I’ve been stuck with this bullshit “franchise tag” as a tight end. EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT A TIGHT END!
YES YOU FUCKING ARE!
Elway, I think the free agency period has you feeling a little drunk on power.
What a coincidence. I’m pretty drunk on power too. Except I use alcohol. HICCUP
(signs Trent Richardson to 15 year contract extension)
(passes out in pool of vomit)
CONGRATULATE ME EVERYONE!
Why? Did Justin Beiber finally answer one of your fan letters?
Impossible. Whenever Romo tries to drop one in the mailbox it gets intercepted.
Haha, very funny, jerks. No, congratulate me because my wife just give birth to our second child. A bouncing baby boy named “Rivers Romo”
5 hours ago . Like .
YES RIVERS ROMO is his actual name.
“Rivers” Romo? I’m not sure if I should feel flattered or terrified.
“Things you say when you get drafted by the Oakland Raiders?”
Romo, you actually named your kid “Rivers?” What, saddling him with the name of one underachieving QB wasn’t enough for you?
Why not just go all the way and name him “Rivers Ryan-Stafford-Sanchez-Cutler-Flacco-Bradford-Romo III?”
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE NONE OF THOSE QUARTERBACKS HAVE EVER WON A SUPER BOWL
YES I HAVE, GODDAMMIT!
Well, we thought about naming the baby “Jacksonville.” But then we’d never be able to get anyone to watch him.
BECAUSE THE JAGUARS HAVE A HARD TIME SELLING OUT GAMES, YOU SEE.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
Richie Incognito? Infamous locker room bully and slinger of hateful racial slurs??
This is BULLSHIT. Free agency has been going on for two weeks now. Yet no NFL team has called me.
It’s hard to imagine why.
HOW COME NO G.M. WANTS TO SIGN ME?
Well they’re all pretty rich. Maybe they’re afraid to let you near their Ferraris?
BECAUSE OF THAT ONE TIME HE BEAT UP HIS OWN FERRARI WITH A BASEBALL BAT
Look, I’m a nine-year veteran. I’ve been to a pro bowl. I can add stability and power to any team’s offensive line.
WHOSE SISTER DO I HAVE TO SHIT ON TO GET A NEW CONTRACT AROUND HERE?
Wait, shitting on your sister gets you a new contract?
Huh. And all this time I’ve just been giving it away for free.
I WANT MORE PLAYERS! WES WELKER, REPORT TO DENVER. WE’RE SIGNING YOU AS A BRONCO.
I already am a Bronco. You signed me last year.
FUCK IT. WE’LL CUT YOU SO WE CAN SIGN YOU AGAIN.
John, I have to step in here. You’re abusing the free agency system. I can’t allow you to just sign anyone and everyone you want.
4 hours ago . Like
HOW MUCH DO THEY PAY YOU TO BE THE NFL COMISSIONER? WHATEVER IT IS, I’LL DOUBLE IT. YOU WORK FOR THE BRONCOS NOW.
It doesn’t work that way John. The salary cap prevents you from…
I’M SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THIS “SALARY CAP” THING. IT’S HOLDING OUR TEAM BACK.
FUCK IT. WE’LL SIGN A NEW SALARY CAP. A BIGGER ONE. HOW MUCH DOES ONE OF THOSE THINGS COST ANYWAY? MONEY IS NO OBJECT.
Look Elway, the salary cap exists for a reason. You can’t illegally manipulate it just to win a Super Bowl.
Why not? Worked in the ‘90s.
4 hours ago . Like .
THE GREEN BAY PACKERS and THE ATLANTA FALCONS are still pissed about this.
WHO CARES what the stupid Broncos do with their salary cap? The PATRIOTS are clearly the most improved team in free agency.
Brady, have you been sniffing the glue in the lining of your cheap-ass Uggs again? Well put your hand up for a high-5 from reality, Snappypants. WE ARE THE MOST IMPROVED TEAM
NUH-UH! WE HAVE DARRELLE REVIS
YES, BUT WE HAVE DeMARCUS WARE
WELL WE HAVE BRANDON BROWNER
WELL WE HAVE AQIB TALIB
WE HAVE BRANDON LEFELL
WE HAVE EMMANUEL SANDERS
We have Lombardi Trophy.
GODDAMMIT WILSON, I HOPE YOU GET TRAPPED IN AN ATLANTIC CITY ELEVATOR WITH RAY RICE!
WILSON I HOPE YOU WIN A BLIND DATE WITH DARREN SHARPER IN A DARK ALLEY!
BECAUSE THEY’RE A FIANCE-PUNCHER AND SERIAL RAPIST, RESPECTIVELY
Congratulations Ben. Thanks to Darren Sharper, you’ve been bumped down to #2 on the NFL’s list of Accused Sexual Offenders
THAT JUST MEANS I HAVE TO TRY HARDER.
“HARDER” IN THIS CASE BEING A DOUBLE ENTENDRE FOR THE INTENSITY OF MY EFFORT AS WELL AS THE ERECTNESS OF MY PENIS
WHO HAVEN’T I SIGNED YET? I WANT MORE, MORE, MORE!
KOBE BRYANT, I SIGN YOU!
But I play basketball. Also, I’m injured.
STEFFI GRAF, I SIGN YOU!
But I’m a women’s tennis star. Also, I’m retired.
SECRETARIAT, I SIGN YOU!
But I’m a horse. Also, I’m dead.
PIKACHU, I CHOOSE YOU!
Too late. I just signed with the Giants as Eli Manning’s throwing assistant.
Makes sense. He’s used to tossing Piks.
ARVIND MAHANKALI, I SIGN YOU!
Arvind Mahankali is the kid who won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last year.
He’s 13 years old and weighs 112 pounds.
Hey Elway, we’ll give you our next two first round draft picks for him. I’ll pencil him in as a starter at wide receiver.
BECAUSE THE PANTHERS LOST ALL THEIR RECEIVERS IN FREE AGENCY, YOU SEE
TELL ME ABOUT IT. So far we’ve lost Steve Smith, Brandon LeFell, Ted Ginn and Domenik Hixon from our lineup! Who the hell am I going to throw to now?
ICE UP SON. Steve Smith’s moving on to the BIG TIME IN BALTIMORE.
See, I’ve only got a year or two left as a receiver, so I signed with a Super Bowl contender to finally get a championship ring before I retire.
Yeah, good luck with that.
BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS
3 hours ago . Like
BEAST MODE STILL ENJOYING SPOILS OF SUPER BOWL VICTORY AGAINST PUNY BRONCOS.
NOW BEAST MODE LOOKING FORWARD TO VISIT WITH UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BEDROCK PAJAMA. WARN HIM THAT ECONOMIC SANCTIONS AGAINST RUSSIA MOST LIKELY A FUTILE ACT.
DISPLAY OF MILITARY MIGHT ONLY COURSE OF ACTION TO STAND UP TO RUSSIAN PRESIDENT BLADDER-BEER POOPIN’.
WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA, DARREN SPROLES!
Thanks, happy to be here.
WHO’S GONNA STOP THE EAGLES NOW? We traded for Darren Sproles, signed Malcolm Jenkins, AND re-signed both Jeremy Maclin and Riley Cooper.
WHY, IT’S ALMOST AS IF WE’RE PUTTING TOGETHER A SORT OF ALL-STAR “DREAM TEAM.” WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
3 hours ago . Like .
THE 2011 EAGLES can answer that
WHO’S LEFT? WHO HAVEN’T I SIGNED? I’LL SIGN ANYONE THAT FUCKING BREATHES!
Me! Me! Sign me!
“Things Tony Romo says right before a game-losing interception?”
March 21, 2014 at 8:30 am
Don’t mean to be the error-correcting police, but Richi Incognito at the very end has Elway’s picture.
Great week otherwise! I’ve been missing these. The “NFL QBs in the comments section” just don’t to them justice.
March 21, 2014 at 8:35 am
Photo fixed! Thank you, noble error-correcting police. We appreciate you letting us know, and will happily make a donation to the Error Policeman’s Ball.
March 21, 2014 at 9:18 am
Mike Glennon isn’t the starter right now, Josh McCown has replaced him. Great episode otherwise
March 21, 2014 at 9:35 am
Bucs did have a pretty good preseason too. probably second best to the broncos.
March 21, 2014 at 9:38 am
Lovie is off to a great start. People who thought he was done can suck on an orange.
March 21, 2014 at 10:20 am
Great Convo much better then these fake non-funny convos going on in the comments.
The “throwing Piks” line was probably one of the best lines ever.
March 21, 2014 at 10:28 am
This Free agency has been really awesome and great overall. But no mention of Eric Decker? You should of at least made fun of him from going from one of the greatest qbs to play the game to Geno Smith lol.
March 21, 2014 at 10:34 am
Yea i agree with you Ben. I mean seriously Decker should of atleast went to a good team but the freaking Jets? I guess he only cares about money more then winning. and making his “reality” show more famous in New York lol.
March 21, 2014 at 11:08 am
Aww, you juuuuuuuuuuust missed Matt Schaub as a Raider.
March 21, 2014 at 11:14 am
Oakland Raiders where all careers go to die. Oh well at least they get good money right? LMAO
Charla Breshears Brown
March 21, 2014 at 11:19 am
Darren Sproles…..hilarious. And Beastmode’s BEDROCK PAJAMA…….best thing today. Thanks guys!
March 21, 2014 at 11:21 am
Ah, Oakland…where careers go to die.
March 21, 2014 at 11:24 am
Even with Schuab it won’t matter raiders will still be worst team in the AFC West they are going to lose twice to the Chargers, Chiefs, and Broncos. Not to mention they face the NFC West next season! So theres another 4 loses . So already that’s 10 loses. Enjoy having another losing season choke land faiders hahaha.
March 21, 2014 at 11:28 am
@ Raiders Suck. They also play the AFC East were my Patriots are going to smash em and I’m pretty sure even the Dolphins, Jets, and yes even the Bills can beat em lol
March 21, 2014 at 11:34 am
^^^Well shit raiders are going to have a hard ass schedule next season. They will be lucky to even be 4-12 again lol. And that’s saying something.
March 21, 2014 at 12:07 pm
Well I guess we all know who will have the 1st pick in the 2015 Draft the Raiders.
March 21, 2014 at 12:21 pm
Guys, where is the love for the Giants? Tons of moves in free agency by essentially jettisoning everyone over 30.
Wow, over 15 comments and none of the unfunny fucks that pretend to be players have shown up yet. It’s a Free Agency Miracle!
March 21, 2014 at 12:23 pm
Regarding the article itself:
COWBOYS FANS: FUCK. When do the Yankees open the season?
Very nicely done
Bleeding & Festering ... Rectum?! Damn-near killed em!
March 21, 2014 at 12:33 pm
@Chrth, I have to agree. It’s a refreshing change!
March 21, 2014 at 12:44 pm
What no giants we signed quality talent
March 21, 2014 at 12:45 pm
….just five more months….insanity is beginning to set in.
March 21, 2014 at 1:34 pm
Don’t mean to be a dick, but in Roth’s first line about Darren Sharper, he says something about “Fiancee puncher, respectively”. Pretty sure that refers to Ray Rice, but there is no mention of him in the comment Roth is responding to. Just sayin. Otherwise this was great! Very original and funny
March 21, 2014 at 2:15 pm
Smith-Brady….Looks OK to me, respectively
March 21, 2014 at 2:57 pm
NICE! The Broncos just signed Roger Goodell that makes Peyton Goddamn Manning as the new NFL Commissioner!
Peyton Goddamm Manning
March 21, 2014 at 3:34 pm
Hey Guys no convos during the convos K
Ha you wish
March 21, 2014 at 4:40 pm
You fake convo haters need to get real. It’s the comment sections of satirical news articles. Who the hell cares?
Grrrr I hate when da commentf have fake convov in dem.
Give me a break.
March 21, 2014 at 4:42 pm
Ohhhhhhh cuz Manning mentions Ray Rice. K got it. That vas und Roth moment
March 21, 2014 at 5:40 pm
@Ha – I see where you’re coming from and I normally don’t mind people trying to imitate, but sometimes it’s nice to just have a conversation about the article or the content it mocks, but it usually gets lost in the sea of people (or for all we know the repeated 2 or 3 people) imitating the QBs on FB.
March 21, 2014 at 7:27 pm
Who has two thumbs, is a QB and was the MVP of this edition of NFLQBs on FB? Cam Newton.
March 21, 2014 at 7:31 pm
Bedrock Pajama is gonna live on forever. Talk about the economy you say, well I feel that Bedrock Pajama is…this works on so many levels. Beast mode is definitely the favorite of these conversations for sure.
March 21, 2014 at 9:46 pm
Had you waited a day, Vick and Smith would have been put in.
March 22, 2014 at 7:00 am
Hey PFM, you forgot the part where the lowly Jets blinked and missed it when the Giants SWOOPED IN AND SIGNED DOMINIQUE RODGERS-CROMARTIE FROM RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES, CATCHING THEIR PATHETIC COACH REX RYAN YET AGAIN WITH HIS PANTS DOWN! AHAHAHA
March 22, 2014 at 7:01 am
Geno? He was replaced by vick… and steve smith sign Baltimore for four years but I will gamble Baltimore win big one bez Baltimore has much injury this year so they will make sure no injury in fall
March 22, 2014 at 7:27 am
I guess Cam Newton’s new meme is acting like he’s on Jeopardy.
March 22, 2014 at 7:35 am
LOL Kobe and Pikachu
March 22, 2014 at 8:26 am
Sorry, but Pikachu already sign with the Japanese’s World Cup Team this off-season.
March 22, 2014 at 9:23 am
Always read these waiting for Russ’s one line did not disappoint bravo.
March 22, 2014 at 6:47 pm
LOL. Loved that Sproles’s typing is small too
March 22, 2014 at 6:49 pm
Although I must add I was surprised there was nothing about Malcolm Jenkins signing with Philly too.
March 22, 2014 at 7:04 pm
Nevermind I sit corrected.
March 22, 2014 at 8:44 pm
The Cowboys also signed some good defenders!
March 22, 2014 at 10:09 pm
See its funny because in reality they signed a third string pick machine called Brandon Weeden
March 23, 2014 at 10:10 am
Should have named him Sanchez Romo. When I think of dumb turnovers the two of them are almost the same. Plus they’re both Mexican.
March 23, 2014 at 10:58 am
FINALLY! It’s back!
March 23, 2014 at 8:23 pm
Why wouldn’t you want to go to cleveland they’ve got Josh Gordan Jordan Cameron and Ben Tate plus a solid O line which is more than the Jets Texans Raiders and Jags can say
March 24, 2014 at 9:22 am
Please keep these going for the rest of free agency and the draft. These are hilarious.
March 24, 2014 at 12:53 pm
Am I the only one that thought a March Madness one was on the way? I can just see everyone giving Romo shit for picking Duke and Ohio State to meet in the final lol.
March 24, 2014 at 4:15 pm
What’s with the Cam Newton Jeopardy thing?
March 24, 2014 at 5:44 pm
@Anonymous dont forget about Romo and Garrett wearing Duke shirts too
March 24, 2014 at 6:28 pm
ACW, its his thing. Kind of like Russell Wilson being a troll or Phillip Rivers introducing people.
March 25, 2014 at 1:30 pm
Beast Mode said more in this thread than he has in his entire career with the Seahawks.
Further he would never waste time talking about Putin. Lynch would stiff arm the bitch through a space-time wormhole, back to 1952 where he belongs.
This is where Tracy Porter tries to troll my comment.
March 26, 2014 at 10:11 am
“BEDROCK PAJAMA.” BAHAHAHAHA
March 26, 2014 at 12:29 pm
Still snapping the ball at the wrong time
March 28, 2014 at 1:38 pm
I beat no one saw the Eagles letting go of D-Jackson
March 28, 2014 at 4:09 pm
So pumped to see what the rooks’ “things” are gonna be. Manziel can easily be a fratty, Gronk-esque partying douche. What are gonna be Bortles’ and Bridgewater’s things… Maybe one could be like an anti-Roth and be really geeky and smart. One that i’d really like is one of them to be really immature and childish, like how Flacco is depicted on The Draw Play comic, if anyone reads that
March 29, 2014 at 12:58 pm
But Manziel is already a fratty, Gronk-esque partying douche…. The PFM guys are more clever than that.
March 30, 2014 at 10:11 pm
Good job PFM! really liked the Martin part xD
March 31, 2014 at 5:33 pm
It’s a good thing Elway isn’t the President of the United States he would spend billions of dollars the U.S doesn’t have. Oh wait we already do that…
April 1, 2014 at 9:36 am
April 1, 2014 at 4:11 pm
not like anyone cares, but his name is Brandon LAFELL, not LEFELL.
still an awesome convo yet again, PFM!
April 7, 2014 at 3:18 pm
Sign so hard Goodell wana fine me!
April 13, 2014 at 11:59 am
That shit cray
April 17, 2014 at 1:38 pm
I’m crying at the Sproles comment. And still pissed the Saints let his tiny ass go.
April 23, 2014 at 7:18 pm
Oh man I died at secretariat “Also, Im dead.”
Newton was great too
Oh and Wilson’s troll was epic
April 25, 2014 at 12:07 am
I can’t wait for some sort of Draft thing these make me cry from laughter I can read these over and over lol
Keep this up you guys at PM are pretty fuckin awesome
April 29, 2014 at 7:51 am
Hahahaha. 2014 schedules are out and in week 1 is Green Bay @ Seattle. I’m already waiting in anticipation on what the FB convo will be.
May 3, 2014 at 7:07 pm
as do i. I hope they come out with a schedule thing on here soon, and then after the draft’s over.
May 9, 2014 at 3:47 pm
Where the hell is the one for the draft!!
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