NFL QBs on FACEBOOK: “FAILURE FEAST”

By
Updated: November 25, 2013

FAILURE FEAST 475

TOM BRADY

And DOWN goes Manning. New England 34, Denver 31.

TOM BRADY

Whipped the Broncos asses, trolololol.

DREW BREES

Wait a minute. Isn’t that exactly what you said when you beat Denver last season?

TOM BRADY

Yep. It’s my annual “I MADE PEYTON MANNING MY PERSONAL BITCH IN PRIME TIME” speech.

TOM BRADY

After winning 4 of my past 5 against him, I pretty much have it memorized.

PEYTON MANNING

GODDAMMIT, TONY CARTER!

PEYTON MANNING

You dumb ass fucktrumpet. YOU COST US THAT GAME BY TOUCHING THAT STUPID PUNT!

TONY CARTER

IT WASN’T MY FAULT! Wes Welker should have called the signal to warn us away from the ball.

WES WELKER

I DID! I kept shouting the code word, “poison, poison!”

TONY CARTER

Oh. I just thought that meant Peyton was handing out Papa John’s samples again.

PEYTON MANNING

After costing me that win Carter, you are now officially #1 on the “Peyton Goddamn Manning Shit List”

RAHIM MOORE finally moves down to #2

TOM BRADY

Don’t blame him, Butter Balls. He’s not the one who CHOKED AWAY a 24-POINT HALFTIME LEAD!

PEYTON MANNING

DIE PAINFULLY, BRADY!

TOM BRADY

Peyton, beating you in that game felt just like when I bang your wife: Because in both cases, I start slow at first, then pick up the pace in the middle, and conclude with a spectacular finish.

TOM BRADY

Also because you both end up with my jizz on your face. HAHAHAHA.

PEYTON MANNING

LISTEN, CHEF BOY-R-U-A-DICK, WE’LL BE SEEING YOU AGAIN IN THE PLAYOFFS!

TOM BRADY

Funny you should call me that, because it just so happens I have a delicious recipe for playoff success:

TOM BRADY

Take (1) Peyton Manning.

TOM BRADY

Combine with (1) playoff game.

TOM BRADY

Chill at January temperatures.

TOM BRADY

Serves 3-5 interceptions. LOLOL

TONY ROMO

Peyton wasn’t the only Manning to swallow the bitter taste of defeat yesterday.

TONY ROMO

BECAUSE MY COWBOYS MADE ELI MANNING SLURP FROM A NICE HOT BOWL OF “YOU-GOT-SWEPT” SOUP. HAHAHAHA!

ELI MANNING

Wow, Romo. That gag was almost as weak as that limp dishrag you call a throwing arm.

TONY ROMO

Hey Manning, I really enjoyed winning in your stadium. I think I’ll enjoy it even more when we win there again this coming February.

ELI MANNING

Romo, the only thing you might “win” in our stadium during the Super Bowl is a t-shirt from our mascot’s cannon when you’re sitting up in the stands.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

And if it’s during the 4th quarter, you just know he’ll fumble it.

TONY ROMO

Oh yeah? Well what about that GAME-WINNING FIELD GOAL DRIVE I LED YESTERDAY?

TONY ROMO

Yep, I proved once and for all that TONY ROMO IS CLUTCH!

ELI MANNING

The only thing “clutch” about you Romo is how badly I want to throttle you.

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Speaking of not losing, check out this final score: Minnesota 26, Green Bay 26

VIKINGS FANS

Yay! We didn’t lose!

PACKERS FANS

Fuck! We didn’t win!

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Yep. I led the Vikings to a TIE with the Packers yesterday

JAY CUTLER

GAH! DON’T SAY THAT WORD!

CHRISTIAN PONDER

“Packers?”

JAY CUTLER

NO. Well, yes.

JAY CUTLER

But also, don’t say the “T” word. Legend says if that word is uttered three times in a convo, then, it will appear.

AARON RODGERS

GODDAMMIT SENECA WALLACE, YOU BLEW THAT GAME FOR US!

SENECA WALLACE

I didn’t play yesterday.

AARON RODGERS

GODDAMMIT SCOTT TOLZIEN, YOU BLEW THAT GAME FOR US!

SCOTT TOLZIEN

Don’t blame me. I didn’t play for most of the second half. Blame Matt Flynn.

AARON RODGERS

JESUS CHRIST. HOW MANY SECOND RATE BACKUP QBS DO WE HAVE ON THIS ROSTER, ANYWAY?

BRETT FAVRE

Four, counting you.

MATT FLYNN

Hey, you can’t blame me for that game. I was handed a 20-7 deficit, and brought us all the way back to a 26-26 tie.

JAY CUTLER

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, STOP SAYING THAT WORD

AARON RODGERS

HOW IN THE HELL IS MY TEAM SUPPOSED TO WIN GAMES WITH A YUTZ LIKE MATT FLYNN AT BACKUP QUARTERBACK?

ANDY DALTON

By keeping him on the bench?

RUSSELL WILSON

Worked for us.

AARON RODGERS

WILSON, I WILL TIE YOUR LEGS IN THE AIR LIKE A TURKEY, JAM STOVE TOP STUFFING UP YOUR ASS, AND ROAST YOU FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS, BASTING EVERY 45 MINUTES, UNTIL YOUR SKIN IS A CRISP GOLDEN BROWN!

JAY CUTLER

GODDAMMIT, RODGERS. YOU JUST SAID “TIE” A THIRD TIME.

SAM BRADFORD

And you know what they say about ties.

NICK FOLES

NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT BRADFORD. WE DON’T CARE WHAT PERVERTED THING YOU SAY A TIE IS LIKE.

SAM BRADFORD

They say a tie is like kissing your sister.

RGIII

NO THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY… oh, wait. Actually that is what they say.

SAM BRADFORD

Specifically, a tie is like when two twin sisters gaze deeply into each other’s eyes, as forbidden desires that have long simmered just below the surface begin to emerge.

SAM BRADFORD

Reaching out, each slowly caresses the other’s cheek. Moving closer, their hands intertwine in each other’s long flowing hair, then gradually glide down across bare shoulders, to rest upon naked, trembling breasts.

SAM BRADFORD

Slowly, sensually, their hands explore each other’s bodies, groping, cupping, and fondling every curve with curious fingers.

SAM BRADFORD

As a powerful lust swells up deep inside them, their hungry mouths suddenly press together firmly, tongues intertwining, eyes fluttering, erotic moans of passion escaping through wanton, parted lips.

DREW BREES

TONY ROMO

Wow

TOM BRADY

Um, I never thought I’d say this, but… go on Bradford. What happens next?

SAM BRADFORD

Next, their dentures lock together and the nursing home staff has to pry them apart so they can replace their adult diapers.

JAY CUTLER

GAHHHHHHH

ELI MANNING

VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT

TOM BRADY

DAMMIT BRADFORD, YOU JUST MADE ME JACK IT TO THE THOUGHT OF TWO SENIOR CITIZEN SISTERS FEELING EACH OTHER UP WHILE THEY HAVE FULL LOADS OF CRAP IN THEIR PANTIES

SAM BRADFORD

See? That’s exactly what a tie is like.

CAM NEWTON

Aaaanyway, you guys can eat boring old turkey for Thanksgiving if you want.

CAM NEWTON

Me, I prefer the delicious taste of SKEWERED SEAFOOD. MMM, MMM, GOOD!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE THE PANTHERS BEAT THE DOLPHINS, AND DOLPHINS ARE FISH THAT LIVE IN THE SEA, YOU SEE.

DREW BREES

Dolphins are mammals, Ben. They’re warm blooded.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

The one I fingerbanged in its head-vagina last summer didn’t feel very warm.

DREW BREES

That was a blowhole, Ben.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Listen Fig Newton, it took a lucky-ass 4th down play for you to win that game.

CAM NEWTON

And it would take a massive 4-team plane crash between the Bengals, Colts, Patriots and Broncos for your drowning Dolphins to somehow get back into the playoff picture.

RYAN TANNEHILL

WRONG, YOU CANDIED YAM! WE’RE CURRENTLY TIED FOR THE FINAL WILD CARD SPOT

AARON RODGERS

Yes but I’m pretty sure the tiebreaker goes to the team WITHOUT a noodlearmed limpdick at QB.

TONY ROMO

Well, that leaves Geno Smith out too.

JOE FLACCO

Especially since my Ravens just shish kabobed poor Geno and his Jets right in their scrawny little giblets.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Settle down, Sloppy Joe. You only threw one measly touchdown.

JOE FLACCO

BUT WHAT A TOUCHDOWN IT WAS. A beautiful, arcing, 66-yard bomb to Jacoby Jones as he burnt the coverage by Ed Reed.

JACOBY JONES

The trick is to scatter spare change all around the end zone to distract him.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE ED REED LOOKS LIKE A HOBO.

PHILIP RIVERS

Have you girls ever heard the expression, “you are what you eat?”

PHILIP RIVERS

Well at some point, I must have devoured a casserole made from ground up pieces of Bruce Springsteen, because I am playing like a BOSS.

MATT RYAN

Gross.

TOM BRADY

Don’t get cocky, Rivers. You beat the team with the worst record in football a year ago.

ALEX SMITH

Yeah well, we're also the team that was 9-0 a little over a week ago.

PHILIP RIVERS

Well now you know what happens when you play a GOOD team.

PEYTON MANNING

That’s right: you lose, then lose again a week later to a shitty team.

ALEX SMITH

Say what you want. But if the playoffs started today, we’d be in.

PEYTON MANNING

Which is another way of saying, “if the playoffs started today, you’d be one game away from being out.”

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

HEY EVERYONE. MY TEAM WHIPPED THE CLEVELAND BROWNS LIKE A MASHED POTATOE.

DAN QUAYLE approves of this spelling

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE A POTATOE GETS WHIPPED AT THANKSGIVING, AND “WHIPPED” IS ALSO ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING “DEFEAT.”

ANDY DALTON

Once again, Ben Roethlisberger “explain-rapes” the humor right out of a joke.

CAM NEWTON

Eh, that wasn't really an “explain-rape.” More like an “explain-molestation.”

JOE FLACCO

Or an “explain-fondle”

TONY ROMO

Maybe an “explain-inappropriate comment in the workplace?”

RGIII

At the minimum it was an “explain-downblouse peek.”

CARSON PALMER

FOURTH STRAIGHT WIN BITCHES!

CARSON PALMER

My 314 yards and 2TD/no pick performance has my Cardinals SOARING toward the playoffs.

CARSON PALMER

Yep, I think I’ve finally regained my elite QB status since I suffered that devastating knee injury. And it’s only taken me 7 years to do it!

RGIII

(sobs)

ANDREW LUCK

Congratulations on a fine game, Mr. Palmer. Good luck the rest of the season.

JAY CUTLER

Luck, do you at least sprinkle a little salt on his jockstrap before you slurp on his nuts like that?

NICK FOLES

LOLOLOL ANDREW LUCK HAS ONLY THROWN TWO PIDDLY LITTLE TOUCHDOWNS IN HIS LAST THREE GAMES.

AARON RODGERS

Holy crap Luck, your aim is so bad you probably miss when you pee in the toilet.

PEYTON MANNING

To be far, it’s pretty hard to aim when you can only use one finger to hold it.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE HIS DICK IS SO SMALL

TOM BRADY

Okay, I need to split. Pey-Pey, sorry I spanked your ass yesterday.

PEYTON MANNING

Whatever punk. We’ll see you back in Denver for the AFC Championship game. IF you make it that far.

DREW BREES

WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW YOU GUYS ENDED THIS CONVERSATION LAST YEAR.

TOM BRADY

Enjoy Thanksgiving, Manning. Try not to gag too much on the knowledge that I once again owned your ass.

PEYTON MANNING

Brady, I hope someone sprinkles toenail clippings into your creamed spinach.

TOM BRADY

And I hope someone bakes rat turds into your oatmeal raisin cookies, Manning.

PEYTON MANNING

I HOPE SOMEONE SQUIRTS FRESH PEE INTO YOUR WARM APPLE CIDER!

TOM BRADY

I HOPE SOMEONE SPRAYS NASAL DISCHARGE INTO YOUR 3 BEAN SALAD!

PEYTON MANNING

I HOPE YOUR TURKEY IS CRAWLING WITH HERPES-INFESTED MAGGOTS!

TOM BRADY

I HOPE YOUR GRAVY COMES DIRECTLY FROM A DISEASED MONKEY’S ANUS!

DREW BREES

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

NFL QBs on FACEBOOK: “FAILURE FEAST”

56 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Awesome! Bradford & Wilson you guys are my heroes!

  2. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 9:44 am

    bruce springsteen!

  3. ifhss

    November 25, 2013 at 9:48 am

    “WITHOUT a noodlearmed limpdick at QB.” “That’s right: you lose, then lose again a week later to a shitty team.”

  4. Richard DeJoseph (@Shmoobuster311)

    November 25, 2013 at 9:48 am

    As a Steelers fan, I’m happy to see Big Ben as the highlight in this week’s addition. Between the Snowflake sodomy and the Dan Quayle joke, kudos gents!

  5. ifhss

    November 25, 2013 at 9:48 am

    lol

  6. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Vikings Fans: Yay! we didn’t lose
    Packers Fans: Fuck! We didn’t win
    Lol

  7. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Good oneo

  8. Me

    November 25, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I kind of expected to see Tebow comment about never blowing a 24-0 lead.

  9. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Anyone else’s cock wiggle a bit at bradfords beginning shit?

  10. Bo

    November 25, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Missed opportunity, Cam could have trolled Brady like Wilson does Rodgers

  11. John

    November 25, 2013 at 10:01 am

    I had missed the Bradford part after not seeing it for a while, and after the Packers tied the Vikings, I was hoping for a big line from him. I was not disappointed at all. Keep up the awesome work! These are the highlights of my monday.

  12. jiminnyc

    November 25, 2013 at 10:03 am

    “I start slow at first, then pick up the pace in the middle, and conclude with a spectacular finish.”

    Didn’t Peyton say something similar to Philip Rivers after the 28-0-turned-35-28 game last year?

  13. Laschus

    November 25, 2013 at 10:25 am

    I was so thrilled to see the Vikings and Packers end in a tie yesterday, because I knew it all but guaranteed the return of Sam Bradford. Screw fantasy, I now spend my Sunday’s watching the games just to make sure I can get all the PFM FB references.

    Today’s gold:
    Wes Welker – I DID! I kept shouting the code word, “poison! poison”
    Tony Carter – Oh, I just thought that meant Peyton was handing out Papa John’s samples again

    I knew you would have a reference to the Carter muff, but that was completely boffo!

  14. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 10:26 am

    I look more forward to this on Monday lunch hour than I do actually eating lunch on Monday!!

  15. Loorrreeee

    November 25, 2013 at 10:28 am

    I love these, I just wish there was more wilson it em. Hilarious regardless!

  16. Chrth

    November 25, 2013 at 10:32 am

    CARSON PALMER
    Yep, I think I’ve finally regained my elite QB status since I suffered that devastating knee injury. And it’s only taken me 7 years to do it!

    RGIII (sobs)

  17. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Surprised Brady didn’t spend more time talking about Welker’s dropped cathches

  18. Keshav

    November 25, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Hahaha yesss about time Peyton got slammed in one of these convos.

  19. NotMarkSanchez

    November 25, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Claps to Sam Bradford

  20. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Man, I really thought there was going to be a follow up to Rodgers telling Wilson he was going to cook him until his skin was a “crisp, golden brown.”

    CAUSE RUSSELL WILSON IS A DARK-SKINNED QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL, YOU SEE.

  21. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Haha. When that game ended in a tie yesterday, the first thing that went through my mind was Sam Bradford having a field day with it here. You guys definitely did not disappoint!

    And Russell Wilson’s one-liners are always gold.

  22. Scott Metter

    November 25, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Did Dan Quayle write this? It’s “potato”.

  23. Seth

    November 25, 2013 at 11:45 am

    What happened to Boxcar Pete?

  24. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Someone get Roethlisberger to explain the joke to this guy

  25. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 11:49 am

    No Scott. Big Ben misspelled it and underneath it says “Dan Quayle approves of this spelling.

    Pay attention next time.

  26. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    AARON RODGERS

    JESUS CHRIST. HOW MANY SECOND RATE BACKUP QBS DO WE HAVE ON THIS ROSTER, ANYWAY?

    BRETT FAVRE

    Four, counting you.

    LMAO!!

  27. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Hey Jez…knew the Packers couldn’t beat the Vikes. The Lions are going to cook the Packers like the Turkeys they are.

  28. Alex Giobbi

    November 25, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    That Bradford bit was gold.

  29. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Well…no gravy this year :-(

  30. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    TOM BRADY
    Um, I never thought I’d say this, but… go on Bradford. What happens next?

    No one else in their right mind would have ever thought you would say that either Brady (or anyone else who has the capacity to speak).

  31. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    When I saw there was a tie yesterday I got excited because I knew that meant Bradford was going to make an appearance…

  32. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    BEN EXPLAINING JOKES IS THE FN KICKER EVERY WEEK. GREAT JOB GUYS AS ALWAYS

  33. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    once again a great week. only thing i would have wanted to see is cam burn Brady about the bad call. and case keenum again regretting life. but all in all another great week. good job guys. :)

  34. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    How is it that the Seahawks have the best record in the league but Wilson only trolls Rodgers from a game that most everyone has forgotten. The Seahawks are trolling the entire league this year!

  35. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    LOVE Sam Bradfords comments. Whenever you post one of these and he isnt in it, I hate you.

  36. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    lol Bradford almost got me (like he got Brady), how come they decided to give him such a horribly perverted persona?? most freaking hilarious thing ever! and those Wilson pint-size one-liners are pure gold … no wonder poor Rodgers freaks out every time lolol

  37. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    PFM guys if you’re reading this I LOVE YOU! seriously!

  38. King D

    November 25, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Gotta love it when Romo has swag. My boy Bradford can be tender but NEVER ASK HIM TO FINISH! And kinda disappointed about Wes not getting trolled by Julian since he was behind him all that time when Wes was in New England and had a 1000x better game. Still good job this week guise.

  39. King D

    November 25, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    @ Anonymous 3:08 pm Everyone remembers that game. I bet 10 years from now Rodgers will too

  40. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    “four counting you” lol. Am I the only one who loved Bret Farves Russell Wilson like troll??

  41. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Sam Bradford FTW! As soon as the Vikings/Packer game was over, I knew we’d see some good stuff from Bradford. Well done, guys !

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  43. Anonymous

    November 26, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Must say always love the Wilson troll comments. Definately the best part of all these convos.

    Beast mode motherfuckers!

  44. JB1000

    November 26, 2013 at 11:53 am

    I was sort of expecting a comment from the Ghost of Donovan McNabb’s carreer when the tie came up.

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  46. Anonymous

    November 26, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    They never have the raiders in the convo

  47. jiminnyc

    November 26, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    The Raiders have a quarterback?

  48. Anonymous

    November 26, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    Sam Bradford rules, hahahaha.

  49. Anonymous

    November 26, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    The Bradford bit was pure genius. Best setup ever on this site — And that’s saying a lot.

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  51. Panda

    November 27, 2013 at 2:50 am

    That was the best Bradford explanation of a tie ever

    Happy Panda

  52. Anonymous

    November 27, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Glad to see Sam Bradford re-appear and Rapethlisberger having a speaking part. Awesome stuff…keep it up

  53. Anonymous

    November 27, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Hahaha the best one all year

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  55. Anonymous

    November 29, 2013 at 10:44 am

    To be honest, Bradford may have a point, cause ties really do suck. And somewhat unrelated, it’s funny that Bradford is such a sick perv cause in real life, he’s like a super faithful Christian lol

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