NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: DRESS REHEARSAL WEEK

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Updated: August 26, 2013

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REX RYAN

Oh Christ. What have I done? I’VE INJURED MY STARTING QB!

Mike Shanahan likes this.

REX RYAN

I MIGHT BE WITHOUT MARK SANCHEZ FOR SEVERAL WEEKS!

JETS FANS

And they say wishes don’t come true.

DREW BREES

It’s your own damn fault, Ryan.

MATT SCHAUB

Why the HELL did you send Sanchez back into a meaningless preseason game in the fourth quarter?

ELI MANNING

Behind a 3rd string offensive line, no less?

REX RYAN

I DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS.

ANDY DALTON

Thanks to your gross mismanagement, he injured his throwing shoulder.

TOM BRADY

PLUS HE TOOK TWO BALLS TO THE FACE!

CARSON PALMER

He took two whats to the where now?

TOM BRADY

HE GOT NAILED BY TWO FOOTBALLS RIGHT IN HIS STUPID FACE! HAHAHAHA. LOOK:

TOM BRADY



SAM BRADFORD

LOLOLOLOL!!!

DREW BREES

ROFL!!!!!

PEYTON MANNING

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

MARK SANCHEZ

SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLES! GETTING HIT IN THE NOSE WITH A FOOTBALL TOTALLY HURTS!

MARCIA BRADY

Tell me about it.

JOE FLACCO

HAHAHA – IT’S LIKE THE BUTTFUMBLE, BUT WITH HIS FACE.

MATT RYAN

So, basically, another buttfumble.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

MATT RYAN IS SAYING THAT MARK SANCHEZ’S FACE LOOKS LIKE A BIG ASS!

TOM BRADY

LET’S WATCH IT AGAIN:

CAM NEWTON

IT JUST GETS FUNNIER!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

How come that .gif won’t play on my phone?

ANDY DALTON

Maybe your phone keeps dropping the signal?

ELI MANNING

Oh, so it’s the new iWelker?

The 2011 World Champion New York Giants like this.

REX RYAN

THIS IS HORRIBLE! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!

NEW YORK MEDIA

Because you exposed your starting QB to an unnecessary risk, you flea-brained footfucker. WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

REX RYAN

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME?

REX RYAN

I’M NOT GOING TO KEEP ANSWERING THAT OVER AND OVER!

REX RYAN

I MADE THE DECISION THAT WAS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE TEAM!

PHILIP RIVERS

Oh, I get it. You’re referencing that bizarre “sideways” press conference from Saturday night.

TOM BRADY

You mean this one?

ELI MANNING

What is this, .gif day now?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

THIS ONE WON’T LOAD ON MY PHONE EITHER.

ANDY DALTON

You probably need to go into your General Settings screen and change the “Allow Videos of Dipshit Coaches” option to “yes”

REX RYAN

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? THE SEASON IS LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY!

JOE FLACCO

I still don’t understand why you would be so upset to lose a completely worthless QB like Mark Sanchez.

REX RYAN

HAVE YOU SEEN MY OTHER OPTION?

GENO SMITH

‘Sup?

PEYTON MANNING

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

SAM BRADFORD

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

DREW BREES

NICE GAME, ROOKIE! BAHAHAHAHA!!!

GENO SMITH

SCREW YOU GUYS. I WASN’T THAT BAD!

CARSON PALMER

YOU THREW THREE INTERCEPTIONS IN ONE HALF!

MATT RYAN

THAT WORKS OUT TO AN AVERAGE OF SIX PER GAME!

CAM NEWTON

OR 24 PER MONTH!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

OR 96 PER SEASON!

ANDY DALTON

You’re approaching Brandon Weeden figures at that rate.

GENO SMITH

So I threw three measly interceptions. It’s not THAT funny, assholes.

PEYTON MANNING

Newbie, the only way that abortion of a game you played could have been any funnier would be if you had given up a safety by stepping out of the back of the end zone like a total spazz.

GENO SMITH

I, um… did do that.

PEYTON MANNING

I KNOW! THAT’S WHAT MADE IT FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!

CAM NEWTON

HAHAHAHA!!!

PHILIP RIVERS

LOLOLOL!!!

SAM BRADFORD

Oh my god. I think I just “Lizzed” myself.

ALEX SMITH

“Lizzed?

SAM BRADFORD

Laughed and jizzed.

REX RYAN

WHO IS GOING TO BE MY QUARTERBACK NOW?

TIM TEBOW

Gosh, if only you had a Heisman Trophy owning, playoff game-winning QB somewhere on your roster.

TOM BRADY

Oh, that reminds me Tebow. I wanted to congratulate you on your OUTSTANDING game this past Thursday. It was your best performance so far this preseason!

TIM TEBOW

But I didn’t play in the game this past Thursday.

TOM BRADY

Exactly. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, CHURCHY.

REX RYAN

Hey Tom Brady, why don’t YOU come play QB for the Jets?

REX RYAN

You’d love it in New York. We have the highest supermodel-to-douchebag ratio of any major city in the U.S.

TOM BRADY

Ryan, I would rather put on a low-cut dress and let Ben Roethlisberger roofie me in his hotel room than play one single down for your ass-tacular team.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I’M A RAPIST!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

ALLEGEDLY, THAT IS!

ProFootballMock's lawyers like this

MARK SANCHEZ

Anh, you guyth? My nose is starting to feel really thore.

TONY ROMO

“Thore?”

PHILIP RIVERS

Sore.

JAY CUTLER

Snore.

REX RYAN

I need to find another QB, pronto. WHO’S AVAILABLE?

KEVIN KOLB

Not me. I suffered a concussion in Saturday’s game against the Redskins.

DREW BREES

Yeah, but haven’t you already had dozens of concussions?

KEVIN KOLB

No. What makes you say that?

DREW BREES

I’ve seen you play. So I just assumed that’s why you keep forgetting how to throw a football.

CAM NEWTON

LOL

KEVIN KOLB

THAT IS NOT FUNNY, BREETARD!

KEVIN KOLB

Concussion trauma is one of the most serious issues facing NFL players today, and it is absolutely not a laughing matte…

KEVIN KOLB

... wait, what were we talking about again?

REX RYAN

FOR FUCK’S SAKE. ISN’T THERE A NON BRAIN-DAMANGED QB OUT THERE I CAN SIGN?

JAY CUTLER

That leaves Matt Stafford out.

REX GROSSMAN

Well, I know that I’m not available.

REX GROSSMAN

After the way I SHREDDED the Bills defense, it looks like I’m now part of the three-way race to be the Redskins’ starting QB.

KIRK COUSINS

It is NOT a three-way battle, Grossman! It’s just a two-man race.

REX GROSSMAN

Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself Cousins. You’re not out of it yet.

KIRK COUSINS

I’M NOT THE ONE WHO’S OUT OF IT FUMBLENUTS, YOU ARE. IT’S A TWO MAN BATTLE BETWEEN ME AND RGIII.

RGIII

IT IS NETHER A THREE MAN RACE NOR A TWO MAN RACE YOU BENCHTURDS. THE REDSKINS' STARTING QB POSITION IS MINE AND MINE ALONE TO… um…

RGIII

... wait, what were we talking about again?

RGIII

Also, can anyone remind me why my knee looks like a pile of mangled roadkill?

TOM BRADY

LAME. That’s not funny.

TOM BRADY

Now THIS is funny:

ELI MANNING

LOL!!!

CAM NEWTON

ROFL!!!

MARK SANCHEZ

MAH NOATH ITH TARTING TA THELL OP!

JOSH FREEMAN

What?

PHILIP RIVERS

He said his nose is starting to swell up.

JOSH FREEMAN

But… why would he type it like that?

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Maybe his caps lock key is stuck?

REX RYAN

DAMMITT. I STILL NEED A QUARTERBACK

KEVIN KOLB

Well you can’t have me. I suffered a concussion Saturday.

ANDY DALTON

YOU ALREADY TOLD US THAT

REX RYAN

Aaron Rodgers, why don’t you come play for the Jets? You have a pretty good track record with former Brett Favre teams.

AARON RODGERS

Ryan, I would rather walk through a kennel of rabid pit bulls wearing a Michael Vick mask than play one game for your pathetic squad of FailTards.

REX RYAN

So that’s a no, then?

AARON RODGERS

Changing the subject to something that actually matters, I CAN’T BELIEVE WE LOST TO THE GODDAMN SEAHAWKS! AGAIN!

Last Season’s Replacement Referees like this

AARON RODGERS

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY REVENGE GAME! ARGGGGHHHHH!

MATT STAFFORD

It was just a meaningless preseason game, Aaron.

AARON RODGERS

WRONG, DOUGHFACE! IT WAS A GAME THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO SIGNIFY NFC DOMINANCE FOR THE COMING SEASON!

RUSSELL WILSON

And it did.

AARON RODGERS

DON’T BE SO SMUG, SHRIMPBAIT. I STILL OUTPLAYED YOU IN THAT GAME!

AARON RODGERS

REMEMBER, OF THE TWO OF US, ONLY YOU TURNED THE BALL OVER!

RYAN TANNEHILL

So just to recap: the Seahawks won with a late 4th quarter TD despite the fact that Russell Wilson threw an interception?

RUSSELL WILSON

Sounds vaguely familiar.

AARON RODGERS

SO HELP ME WILSON, I WILL BECOME AN NFLPA CERTIFIED PLAYER REPRESENTATIVE, PURCHASE YOUR MANAGEMENT CONTRACT FROM YOUR CURRENT AGENT, AND ORCHESTRATE A TRADE TO SEND YOU TO THE NEW YORK JETS!

JOE FLACCO

Of all the threats you’ve made to him, that is definitely the scariest.

REX RYAN

GODDAMMIT, WHO IS GOING TO BE MY NEW STARTING QB?

KEVIN KOLB

Not me. I suffered a concussion Saturday.

TONY ROMO

YES, WE KNOW.

REX RYAN

I need to find a new QB, NOW, DAMMIT. I’m getting desperate! YOU HEAR ME? DESPERATE!

REX RYAN

So whaddya say, Jay Cutler?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Wow. That IS desperate.

ANDY DALTON

YES, THAT’S THE JOKE, BEN.

JAY CUTLER

Ryan, I would rather use my tongue to clean Andy Reid’s toilet the morning after All-You-Can-Eat-Taco night at the Sizzler than sign with your crap-tastic team.

REX RYAN

Hmm. I’ll put you down as “weighing the offer.”

MATT FLYNN

I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!

MATT FLYNN

Last year, I signed a huge free agent contract with Seattle. But then that pint-sized turd Russell Wilson stole my job during training camp.

MATT FLYNN

So this year I signed with Oakland. AND NOW A NEW LITTLE SHIT NAMED TERRELLE PRYOR IS STEALING MY JOB AGAIN?!

MATT FLYNN

HOW IS IT THAT EVERYTIME I SIGN WITH A TEAM, THEY MAGICALLY FIND SOME HOTSHOT YOUNG SUPERSTAR QB TO REPLACE ME?

Rex Ryan immediately tries to sign Matt Flynn to the Jets roster

AARON RODGERS

Hey Matt Flynn, hearing you trash Russell Wilson like that kinda gave me a hate boner.

AARON RODGERS

You know how they say “the enemy of my enemy is my friend?” WELL YOU JUST BECAME MY NEW BEST FRIEND IN THE UNIVERSE.

AARON RODGERS

Seriously man, you and I need to meet some day.

MATT FLYNN

We’ve met Aaron.

AARON RODGERS

Have we? Where?

MATT FLYNN

On the Packers sideline. I was your backup for four seasons.

AARON RODGERS

Not ringing any bells.

MATT FLYNN

How can you not remember me? We carpooled to practice every day!

AARON RODGERS

I thought you were my chauffeur.

MATT FLYNN

I STOOD RIGHT NEXT TO YOU DURING EVERY GAME FOR FOUR YEARS!

AARON RODGERS

Wait, the ugly guy with the clipboard from ‘08 through ‘11? That was you?

MATT FLYNN

YES!

AARON RODGERS

Get outta town!

MATT FLYNN

I DID!

AARON RODGERS

Look, I don’t have time to memorize the names of every single doofus backup who puts on a Packers helmet. Glorious full-bodied porn-staches like mine don’t just wax themselves, you know.

VINCE YOUNG

Well you better remember MY name, Rodgers, because this former rookie of the year is now gettin’ paid to be your official #2!

The Collection Agencies Trying To Recoup Some of Vince Young’s Massive Personal Debt like this

AARON RODGERS

Oh really, Vince Young? Well that means YOU’RE the one to blame for letting the stupid SeaCocks steal that game from us on Saturday!

VINCE YOUNG

Hey, don’t blame me for losing that game. I had GREAT stats. I can’t help it if Brady Quinn threw a late game winning touchdown.

RYAN TANNEHILL

So basically, you were the Aaron Rodgers of the 2nd half?

BRADY QUINN

And I was the Russell Wilson.

VINCE YOUNG

I WILL SHOVE MY CLIPBOARD UP YOUR ASS SIDEWAYS, QUINN!

REX RYAN

THE DECREASE IN JOKE QUALITY MEANS THAT THE CONVO IS WINDING DOWN, AND I’M STILL NOWHERE CLOSER TO FINDING A NEW QB!

KEVIN KOLB

Not me. I suffered a concussion Saturday.

MICHAEL VICK

YES WE KNOW!

A DEAD HORSE

Ow. Ow. OW!

REX RYAN

LOOK, I’M BARELY CLINGING TO THIS JOB! I NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY QUARTERBACK THIS WEEK!

GENO SMITH

Coach Ryan, give me another chance. I won’t let you down, I swear.

REX RYAN

Well… it’s not like I have much of a choice here.

REX RYAN

Okay kid. Make me proud. Go out there this week and save my job!

GENO SMITH

YES SIR!

PEYTON MANNING

Holy crap Newbie, did your profile picture somehow move out of the designated profile image territory?

ED HOCHULI

TWEEEEEEEET.

ED HOCHULI

Profile Picture illegally steps out of bounds near the end of the convo. That’s a two-point safety.

GENO SMITH

FUCK.

REX RYAN

So anyone know of any defensive coordinator jobs available?

NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: DRESS REHEARSAL WEEK

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