WHOO-HOO! YET ANOTHER GREAT WEEK OF PRESEASON FOOTB… yeah, I’m over this shit. Can the regular season start now?”
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Thank God this exhibition crap is over. TIME TO KICK OFF THE REAL THING, BITCHES.
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Personally, I like the preseason. I wish it would never end.
Well it all starts THURSDAY NIGHT IN DENVER with the traditional season opening game featuring the DEFENDING CHAMPS
You do realize that the RAVENS are the defending champs, right?
The Denver Broncos home field advantage says otherwise.
Suck it, Flacco.
THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE HOSTING THIS GAME INSTEAD OF US IS BECAUSE THE GODDAMN BALTIMORE ORIOLES REFUSED TO MOVE ONE OF THEIR STUPID LITTLE STICKBALL GAMES!
Suck it Flacco.
CAN EVERYONE STOP TELLING ME TO SUCK IT?!
Those are words that Jay Cutler’s Mom has never spoken.
Anyway Flacco, I do NOT appreciate you hanging these hideous banners of yourself all over MY stadium:
First of all, I didn’t hang those on your stadium. The NFL did. To promote the big season opening game. Which, second of all, WE SHOULD BE HOSTING.
Well, I thought it was HILARIOUS when our fans started defacing those banners.
I was driving by the one hanging near gate 12. OH MAN, LOOK HOW UGLY THEY MADE YOU LOOK:
Actually, we never touched that one.
THE JOKE IS THAT JOE FLACCO IS UGLY.
Speaking of people who can’t throw a football…
Let’s all bow our heads for a reading of the Good News from the Book of Tom, Chapter 12, Verses “Hell” though “Yes…”
THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS HAVE CUT TIM TEBOW!!!!
6 hours ago . Like .
ESPN cried themselves to sleep when they heard this
Thomas, I just want to say that it was an honor sharing the field with you, even if it was only for a few weeks
Oh Tebow, don’t be too upset about our breakup. Just remember, it’s not you, it’s me. BECAUSE I HATE YOU. HAHAHAHA.
Well I’m grateful for the chance to watch and learn for you, and I wish you all of God’s blessings in the coming season
You know, you’re making me feel bad for taunting you right now.
But I’m a pro, so I’ll power through it. YOU SUCK GIANT DONKEY BALLS TEBOW. GOOD RIDDENCE, CHURCHY McNO-ARM! YOUR CAREER HAS ENDED, GO IN PEACE! HAHAHAHAHA
I prefer to think that I’ll be resuming my career with a new team before too long.
And what will you do if no other team offers you a contract this year?
He’ll overthrow that bridge when he comes to it.
Well I know just how you feel, Brady. Losing a terrible backup is like taking a nice big dump. AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST DROPPED 232 POUNDS!
That’s a coincidence, because 232 pounds is exactly how much Vince Young weighs.
This is BULLSHIT. I was back in the league for all of three weeks, and now I’m unemployed again?
HOW AM I GOING TO PAY OFF THE $200,000 GOLD-PLATED BALLSCRATCHER I JUST BOUGHT?
Young you stupid snatchblister. First you pissed away all the money from your first NFL contract, and now you’re broke again?
I CAN’T BELIEVE THE GREEN BAY PACKERS USED ME UP THEN TOSSED ME ASIDE AND ONLY PAID ME A FEW DOLLARS FOR MY EFFORTS
Those are words that Jay Cutler’s Mom has spoken many, many times.
‘Sup y’all? Say hello to your NEW NEW YORK JETS STARTING QB
Listen rookie, my shoulder will be healed by week 2. THEN we can have an open competition for the starting job.
That should be exciting. They can have a “ButtFumble-off”
Or a “Stepping-Out-Of-The-Back-Of-The-End-Zone-For-A-Safety-A-Thon”
WRONG. The job is mine. Coach Ryan has expressed confidence in ME
You won the job by default, Smith
Hey, don’t look at me. I wanted the Jets to trade for Alex Smith.
Look, laughing at Mark Sanchez is fun and all, but this is the last week before the regular season. And we all know what that means.
IT’S CUTDOWN WEEK.
Time to end some careers and crush some dreams
Bill Belichick gets a boner thinking about this
We have to trim our convo roster to get down to our legal limit
What is the legal limit, anyway?
Eighteen in most states. Sixteen in Georgia and Alabama. But in Thailand, anything goes.
Now, making these decisions is never easy. I know you’ve all worked very hard, and I hate having to cut any of you.
Because if I could, I’d prefer to just cut ALL of you
Who the hell made you the Grand Poo-Bah of the convo rosters, Manning?
Who? WHO? I’M PEYTON FUCKING MANNING, you cleat-licker
If I say “jump,” then survey the field, then send a man in motion, then shift the protection to the blind side, then call out the mike ‘backer, then reset the tight end to the opposite side of the line, then say “jump” again, you say, “how high?” Got it?
BECAUSE HE CALLS A LOT OF AUDIBLES, YOU SEE
So if you hear your name, report to my office and bring your playbook.
You guys have playbooks?
Well, it’s not really a playbook, per se. It’s more of a looseleaf notebook with the word “fuck” written over and over thousands of times.
Hey, I know who you can cut from our roster. RUSSELL WILSON. That little bastard only gets one, maybe two lines per week. And personally I never find them funny at all.
No, sorry, we can’t get rid of Wilson. His contract has a no-cut clause
THERE MUST BE A WAY. LOOK FOR A LOOPHOLE
We’re reviewed it several times. But we just can’t overturn it.
Much like Golden Tate’s touchdown last year.
I WILL PISS IN YOUR GATORADE, WILSON!
Anyway, here are a few of the players we’re getting rid of:
Josh Freeman, Jake Locker, Matt Stafford, Cam Newton, Carson Palmer, Brandon Weeden, and Blaine Gabbert.
Aw. I’m really gonna miss Blaine Gabbert in these things.
Why are you getting rid of us?
Because all you Cockmonkeys are mind-numbingly dull. And we already have Joe Flacco to fill that role.
I AM NOT DULL
Zzzzzzz huh, what? Did you guys all just fall asleep for a minute there?
Yeah. Must have been some sort of convo-wide sedative.
I AM NOT A SEDATIVE
Michael Vick. I’m still not sure about you. What special quality can you bring to these convos?
Well, I did kill a bunch of dogs that one time.
Cats Everywhere like this
NOT GOOD ENOUGH. That bit is ancient. We try not to reuse old gags too often.
I don’t remember us reusing any old gags.
IT’S IRONIC BECAUSE RGIII’S MEMORY LOSS BIT HAS BEEN PLAYED TO DEATH.
AS HAS MINE ABOUT EXPLAINING JOKES.
Cutler, you are definitely a valuable property to us. Sure, we all shit on you sometimes. But you’ve taken everything we give you and you never seem to choke.
Oh crap. Did I write that last response here? Sorry, it was supposed to be a private message to your Mom.
You, on the other hand, are worthless. Get out.
Bradford, you get to stay because you were the only applicant for our “deviantly perverted freakjob” position
I prefer to think of myself as a pansexual, multi-gendered, beastiality inclined, necrophiliac predator with hermaphroditic tendencies.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
THERE’S ACTUALLY QUITE A BIT WRONG WITH THAT.
Romo, you also made the team.
YES! YOU LIKE ME! YOU GUYS REALLY LIKE ME!
Let’s not go that far.
“Things that Ben Roethlisberger’s date says right before they bang?”
Rape jokes aside Romo, keeping you was a tough call.
We only have room on our roster for one enormous piece of shit. And in the end it came down to you, or an actual giant turd.
And you chose me?
No, we chose the turd. But then the Raiders signed it to a multiyear contract
The turd is our new starting QB
Andrew Luck: we’re keeping you around. With Tebow gone, we have an opening at the “Annoyingly Upbeat, Obnoxiously Polite Bitchwaffle” position.
Gosh Thanks, Mr. Manning. I’ll do my best to make you proud, sir!
I’m just hoping to avoid the dreaded “sophomore slump”
Your sophomore slump would still be about twelve times better than Brandon Weeden’s “Freshman Fail.”
Now here comes a tough one. Roethlisberger.
Ben, we’ve all known you for some time. You’ve been a regular of these convos since the very beginning. That’s why it pains me to have to say this:
We’re going to keep you.
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WHY?!?!?
I’m sorry guys. I wish things were different. But we need Ben because he explains jokes.
HE’S SAYING THAT I EXPLAIN JOKES.
Yes, that is literally what I just said.
THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT HE JUST SAID.
Moving on. Eli Manning. Pack your things. You’re out.
Wait, WHAT? YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!
Sorry bro. We already have a phenomenally talented, virtually unstoppable talent at the “Manning” position. We don’t need a 2nd rate backup.
I HAVE TWO SUPER BOWL RINGS. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE.
Maybe if you had let me borrow that “Super Karate Chop Spiderman Action Figure” when we were kids like I asked, this might have gone differently.
So is this for real? Eli Manning, Jay Cutler, Michael Vick, and Josh Freeman are all out of the convos permanently?
Yep. Because as we all know, when something happens in a convo, it never ever changes.
The Evil Tim Tebow Persona From That One Convo Last Year doesn’t quite agree with this
You haven’t mentioned me Manning. What’s my verdict?
WHY? Because I haven’t won a Super Bowl? Because I’ve never advanced past the divisional round of the playoffs?
No wait, it’s because I’m losing my hair, right? Or because I have an overbite?
Or because I was the only QB to beat you at home during the regular season last year?
Actually it was just because you suck. But not that you mention it, those are all good reasons too. You’re out of the convos.
GODAMMIT! I HATE PFM! I HATE PFM SO MUCH!
Whoa, you hate who so much?
PFM. You know. “Peyton Fucking Manning.”
Oh. Because for a second there, I thought you meant… never mind.
The Fourth Wall has pretty much been obliterated
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September 24, 2013 at 8:14 pm
@MC ClapYoHandz, your name is awesome. HUGE fan of Psych.
September 9, 2013 at 3:26 pm
Great job, guys. You’ve done an epic job of keeping it edgy and funny. Look forward to much more!
September 8, 2013 at 9:27 pm
of course Eli will be back. someone’s gotta give him shit for Romoing harder than Romo in Romo’s house tonight.
September 5, 2013 at 8:46 pm
@GB It started with the Hall of Fame one.
September 5, 2013 at 12:25 pm
Noooooo we need ELI! THIS IS BS!!
September 4, 2013 at 7:53 pm
This is really upsetting how wack these guys are…. Play football save that shit for some other time………. Especially PFM……., one ring
September 4, 2013 at 7:22 pm
And keep it up, reading these makes my Mondays!
September 4, 2013 at 1:09 pm
What the FUCK kind of name is Chris Klopfenstein anyway?
September 4, 2013 at 12:29 pm
I just can’t get enough of these! Can’t stop laughing…
September 3, 2013 at 7:20 pm
We want more!!!
September 3, 2013 at 4:44 pm
What’s going to happen to Christian Ponder, Ryan Tannehill, and Alex Smith?
September 3, 2013 at 3:19 pm
Should keep those qb’s.
September 3, 2013 at 1:20 pm
September 3, 2013 at 11:18 am
Good stuff, but I think the “Person committing an action” line has kinda run its course (i.e. “ESPN cried themselves to sleep when they heard this”). Other than that, pretty funny.
September 3, 2013 at 8:15 am
These NEVER get old! LOL
September 3, 2013 at 12:33 am
How does Cutler not have some sort of “smoking” gimmick?
September 2, 2013 at 10:13 pm
Dont cut those qbs permanently
I like reading what my qb stafford has to say lol
September 2, 2013 at 7:26 pm
September 2, 2013 at 5:13 pm
Sup? These guys are genius….can’t beat the first one though.
September 2, 2013 at 3:26 pm
Wow….talk about desperate for the regular season to start…..
September 2, 2013 at 3:18 pm
More Russell Wilson!!! No one cares about half these dudes… #GoHawks
September 2, 2013 at 2:03 pm
its preseason, there’s nothing to talk about. they made something out of nothing.
September 2, 2013 at 1:16 pm
I love this bit. Keep it coming!
(said Jay Cutler’s Mom)
September 2, 2013 at 10:14 am
Funny to lame
September 2, 2013 at 9:13 am
Jiminny C: (said Jay Cutler´s Mom.) no need (one of her clients) you just like Big Ben there.
September 2, 2013 at 8:49 am
Some of the jokes fall flat, but some of them are deliciously wicked! Keep it up!
(said Jay Cutler’s Mom to one of her clients…)
September 2, 2013 at 8:05 am
Keep up the good work guys. The convos are hilarious!
September 2, 2013 at 7:49 am
These used to be great, but have progressively become less witty and more childish.
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