NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: THE CRUELEST CUTS

By
Updated: September 2, 2013

NFL-QBs-ON-FACEBOOK-header-image-for-posts-400w

DREW BREES

WHOO-HOO! YET ANOTHER GREAT WEEK OF PRESEASON FOOTB… yeah, I’m over this shit. Can the regular season start now?”

Millions of Bored NFL Fans like this

TOM BRADY

Thank God this exhibition crap is over. TIME TO KICK OFF THE REAL THING, BITCHES.

NO ONE EVER

Personally, I like the preseason. I wish it would never end.

PEYTON MANNING

Well it all starts THURSDAY NIGHT IN DENVER with the traditional season opening game featuring the DEFENDING CHAMPS

JOE FLACCO

You do realize that the RAVENS are the defending champs, right?

PEYTON MANNING

The Denver Broncos home field advantage says otherwise.

THE DENVER BRONCOS HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE

Suck it, Flacco.

JOE FLACCO

THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE HOSTING THIS GAME INSTEAD OF US IS BECAUSE THE GODDAMN BALTIMORE ORIOLES REFUSED TO MOVE ONE OF THEIR STUPID LITTLE STICKBALL GAMES!

THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES

Suck it Flacco.

JOE FLACCO

CAN EVERYONE STOP TELLING ME TO SUCK IT?!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Those are words that Jay Cutler’s Mom has never spoken.

PEYTON MANNING

Anyway Flacco, I do NOT appreciate you hanging these hideous banners of yourself all over MY stadium:

JOE FLACCO

First of all, I didn’t hang those on your stadium. The NFL did. To promote the big season opening game. Which, second of all, WE SHOULD BE HOSTING.

PEYTON MANNING

Well, I thought it was HILARIOUS when our fans started defacing those banners.

PEYTON MANNING

I was driving by the one hanging near gate 12. OH MAN, LOOK HOW UGLY THEY MADE YOU LOOK:

PEYTON MANNING


DENVER AREA HOOLIGANS

Actually, we never touched that one.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THE JOKE IS THAT JOE FLACCO IS UGLY.

TOM BRADY

Speaking of people who can’t throw a football…

TOM BRADY

Let’s all bow our heads for a reading of the Good News from the Book of Tom, Chapter 12, Verses “Hell” though “Yes…”

TOM BRADY

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS HAVE CUT TIM TEBOW!!!!

ESPN cried themselves to sleep when they heard this

TIM TEBOW

Thomas, I just want to say that it was an honor sharing the field with you, even if it was only for a few weeks

TOM BRADY

Oh Tebow, don’t be too upset about our breakup. Just remember, it’s not you, it’s me. BECAUSE I HATE YOU. HAHAHAHA.

TIM TEBOW

Well I’m grateful for the chance to watch and learn for you, and I wish you all of God’s blessings in the coming season

TOM BRADY

You know, you’re making me feel bad for taunting you right now.

TOM BRADY

But I’m a pro, so I’ll power through it. YOU SUCK GIANT DONKEY BALLS TEBOW. GOOD RIDDENCE, CHURCHY McNO-ARM! YOUR CAREER HAS ENDED, GO IN PEACE! HAHAHAHAHA

TIM TEBOW

I prefer to think that I’ll be resuming my career with a new team before too long.

ANDY DALTON

And what will you do if no other team offers you a contract this year?

MATT RYAN

He’ll overthrow that bridge when he comes to it.

AARON RODGERS

Well I know just how you feel, Brady. Losing a terrible backup is like taking a nice big dump. AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST DROPPED 232 POUNDS!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

That’s a coincidence, because 232 pounds is exactly how much Vince Young weighs.

AARON RODGERS

Goddammit Roethlisberger.

VINCE YOUNG

This is BULLSHIT. I was back in the league for all of three weeks, and now I’m unemployed again?

VINCE YOUNG

HOW AM I GOING TO PAY OFF THE $200,000 GOLD-PLATED BALLSCRATCHER I JUST BOUGHT?

MATT SCHAUB

Young you stupid snatchblister. First you pissed away all the money from your first NFL contract, and now you’re broke again?

VINCE YOUNG

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE GREEN BAY PACKERS USED ME UP THEN TOSSED ME ASIDE AND ONLY PAID ME A FEW DOLLARS FOR MY EFFORTS

DREW BREES

Those are words that Jay Cutler’s Mom has spoken many, many times.

GENO SMITH

‘Sup y’all? Say hello to your NEW NEW YORK JETS STARTING QB

MARK SANCHEZ

Listen rookie, my shoulder will be healed by week 2. THEN we can have an open competition for the starting job.

ANDY DALTON

That should be exciting. They can have a “ButtFumble-off”

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Or a “Stepping-Out-Of-The-Back-Of-The-End-Zone-For-A-Safety-A-Thon”

GENO SMITH

WRONG. The job is mine. Coach Ryan has expressed confidence in ME

REX RYAN

You won the job by default, Smith

DEFAULT

Hey, don’t look at me. I wanted the Jets to trade for Alex Smith.

DREW BREES

Look, laughing at Mark Sanchez is fun and all, but this is the last week before the regular season. And we all know what that means.

PEYTON MANNING

IT’S CUTDOWN WEEK.

MATT RYAN

Time to end some careers and crush some dreams

Bill Belichick gets a boner thinking about this

PEYTON MANNING

We have to trim our convo roster to get down to our legal limit

TONY ROMO

What is the legal limit, anyway?

SAM BRADFORD

Eighteen in most states. Sixteen in Georgia and Alabama. But in Thailand, anything goes.

PEYTON MANNING

Now, making these decisions is never easy. I know you’ve all worked very hard, and I hate having to cut any of you.

PEYTON MANNING

Because if I could, I’d prefer to just cut ALL of you

MATT SCHAUB

Who the hell made you the Grand Poo-Bah of the convo rosters, Manning?

PEYTON MANNING

Who? WHO? I’M PEYTON FUCKING MANNING, you cleat-licker

PEYTON MANNING

If I say “jump,” then survey the field, then send a man in motion, then shift the protection to the blind side, then call out the mike ‘backer, then reset the tight end to the opposite side of the line, then say “jump” again, you say, “how high?” Got it?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE HE CALLS A LOT OF AUDIBLES, YOU SEE

PEYTON MANNING

So if you hear your name, report to my office and bring your playbook.

E.J. MANUEL

You guys have playbooks?

DREW BREES

Well, it’s not really a playbook, per se. It’s more of a looseleaf notebook with the word “fuck” written over and over thousands of times.

E.J. MANUEL

Really? Fuck.

DREW BREES

Indeed.

AARON RODGERS

Hey, I know who you can cut from our roster. RUSSELL WILSON. That little bastard only gets one, maybe two lines per week. And personally I never find them funny at all.

PEYTON MANNING

No, sorry, we can’t get rid of Wilson. His contract has a no-cut clause

AARON RODGERS

THERE MUST BE A WAY. LOOK FOR A LOOPHOLE

PEYTON MANNING

We’re reviewed it several times. But we just can’t overturn it.

RUSSELL WILSON

Much like Golden Tate’s touchdown last year.

AARON RODGERS

I WILL PISS IN YOUR GATORADE, WILSON!

PEYTON MANNING

Anyway, here are a few of the players we’re getting rid of:

PEYTON MANNING

Josh Freeman, Jake Locker, Matt Stafford, Cam Newton, Carson Palmer, Brandon Weeden, and Blaine Gabbert.

NO ONE EVER

Aw. I’m really gonna miss Blaine Gabbert in these things.

CAM NEWTON

Why are you getting rid of us?

PEYTON MANNING

Because all you Cockmonkeys are mind-numbingly dull. And we already have Joe Flacco to fill that role.

JOE FLACCO

I AM NOT DULL

MATT RYAN

Zzzzzzz huh, what? Did you guys all just fall asleep for a minute there?

PHILIP RIVERS

Yeah. Must have been some sort of convo-wide sedative.

JOE FLACCO

I AM NOT A SEDATIVE

ANDY DALTON

Zzzzzzz

PEYTON MANNING

Michael Vick. I’m still not sure about you. What special quality can you bring to these convos?

MICHAEL VICK

Well, I did kill a bunch of dogs that one time.

Cats Everywhere like this

PEYTON MANNING

NOT GOOD ENOUGH. That bit is ancient. We try not to reuse old gags too often.

RGIII

I don’t remember us reusing any old gags.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S IRONIC BECAUSE RGIII’S MEMORY LOSS BIT HAS BEEN PLAYED TO DEATH.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

AS HAS MINE ABOUT EXPLAINING JOKES.

PEYTON MANNING

Cutler, you are definitely a valuable property to us. Sure, we all shit on you sometimes. But you’ve taken everything we give you and you never seem to choke.

JAY CUTLER

Thanks, Pey.

PEYTON MANNING

Oh crap. Did I write that last response here? Sorry, it was supposed to be a private message to your Mom.

PEYTON MANNING

You, on the other hand, are worthless. Get out.

JAY CUTLER

FUCK.

JAY CUTLER'S MOM

Gurgle.

PEYTON MANNING

Bradford, you get to stay because you were the only applicant for our “deviantly perverted freakjob” position

SAM BRADFORD

I prefer to think of myself as a pansexual, multi-gendered, beastiality inclined, necrophiliac predator with hermaphroditic tendencies.

DREW BREES

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

THERE’S ACTUALLY QUITE A BIT WRONG WITH THAT.

PEYTON MANNING

Romo, you also made the team.

TONY ROMO

YES! YOU LIKE ME! YOU GUYS REALLY LIKE ME!

TOM BRADY

Let’s not go that far.

ANDY DALTON

“Things that Ben Roethlisberger’s date says right before they bang?”

PEYTON MANNING

Rape jokes aside Romo, keeping you was a tough call.

PEYTON MANNING

We only have room on our roster for one enormous piece of shit. And in the end it came down to you, or an actual giant turd.

TONY ROMO

And you chose me?

PEYTON MANNING

No, we chose the turd. But then the Raiders signed it to a multiyear contract

OAKLAND RAIDERS

The turd is our new starting QB

MATT FLYNN

GODDAMMITT

PEYTON MANNING

Andrew Luck: we’re keeping you around. With Tebow gone, we have an opening at the “Annoyingly Upbeat, Obnoxiously Polite Bitchwaffle” position.

ANDREW LUCK

Gosh Thanks, Mr. Manning. I’ll do my best to make you proud, sir!

ANDREW LUCK

I’m just hoping to avoid the dreaded “sophomore slump”

ANDY DALTON

Your sophomore slump would still be about twelve times better than Brandon Weeden’s “Freshman Fail.”

PEYTON MANNING

Now here comes a tough one. Roethlisberger.

PEYTON MANNING

Ben, we’ve all known you for some time. You’ve been a regular of these convos since the very beginning. That’s why it pains me to have to say this:

PEYTON MANNING

We’re going to keep you.

DREW BREES

NOOOOO!!!

MATT RYAN

AUGGGHHH!!!!

TOM BRADY

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WHY?!?!?

PEYTON MANNING

I’m sorry guys. I wish things were different. But we need Ben because he explains jokes.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

HE’S SAYING THAT I EXPLAIN JOKES.

PEYTON MANNING

Yes, that is literally what I just said.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT HE JUST SAID.

PEYTON MANNING

Moving on. Eli Manning. Pack your things. You’re out.

ELI MANNING

Wait, WHAT? YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!

PEYTON MANNING

Sorry bro. We already have a phenomenally talented, virtually unstoppable talent at the “Manning” position. We don’t need a 2nd rate backup.

ELI MANNING

I HAVE TWO SUPER BOWL RINGS. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE.

PEYTON MANNING

Maybe if you had let me borrow that “Super Karate Chop Spiderman Action Figure” when we were kids like I asked, this might have gone differently.

MATT RYAN

So is this for real? Eli Manning, Jay Cutler, Michael Vick, and Josh Freeman are all out of the convos permanently?

ANDY DALTON

Yep. Because as we all know, when something happens in a convo, it never ever changes.

The Evil Tim Tebow Persona From That One Convo Last Year doesn’t quite agree with this

MATT SCHAUB

You haven’t mentioned me Manning. What’s my verdict?

PEYTON MANNING

You’re out.

MATT SCHAUB

WHY? Because I haven’t won a Super Bowl? Because I’ve never advanced past the divisional round of the playoffs?

MATT SCHAUB

No wait, it’s because I’m losing my hair, right? Or because I have an overbite?

MATT SCHAUB

Or because I was the only QB to beat you at home during the regular season last year?

PEYTON MANNING

Actually it was just because you suck. But not that you mention it, those are all good reasons too. You’re out of the convos.

MATT SCHAUB

GODAMMIT! I HATE PFM! I HATE PFM SO MUCH!

DREW BREES

Whoa, you hate who so much?

MATT SCHAUB

PFM. You know. “Peyton Fucking Manning.”

DREW BREES

Oh. Because for a second there, I thought you meant… never mind.

The Fourth Wall has pretty much been obliterated

NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: THE CRUELEST CUTS

28 Comments

  1. Chris Klopfenstein

    September 2, 2013 at 7:49 am

    These used to be great, but have progressively become less witty and more childish.

  2. Jonathan jones

    September 2, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Keep up the good work guys. The convos are hilarious!

  3. jiminnyc

    September 2, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Some of the jokes fall flat, but some of them are deliciously wicked! Keep it up!

    (said Jay Cutler’s Mom to one of her clients…)

  4. Anonymous

    September 2, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Jiminny C: (said Jay Cutler´s Mom.) no need (one of her clients) you just like Big Ben there.

  5. Anonymous

    September 2, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Funny to lame

  6. RPM

    September 2, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    I love this bit. Keep it coming!

    (said Jay Cutler’s Mom)

  7. Alex

    September 2, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    @chris
    its preseason, there’s nothing to talk about. they made something out of nothing.

  8. Mark Mazurik

    September 2, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    More Russell Wilson!!! No one cares about half these dudes… #GoHawks

  9. lkjdzf lckj

    September 2, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Wow….talk about desperate for the regular season to start…..

  10. Paul

    September 2, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Sup? These guys are genius….can’t beat the first one though.

  11. bert440

    September 2, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    Where’s Stafford?

  12. Mizzle

    September 2, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    Dont cut those qbs permanently
    I like reading what my qb stafford has to say lol

  13. MC ClapYoHandz

    September 3, 2013 at 12:33 am

    How does Cutler not have some sort of “smoking” gimmick?

  14. Brandon

    September 3, 2013 at 8:15 am

    These NEVER get old! LOL

  15. GB

    September 3, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Good stuff, but I think the “Person committing an action” line has kinda run its course (i.e. “ESPN cried themselves to sleep when they heard this”). Other than that, pretty funny.

  16. BrownsFan1222

    September 3, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    No Weeden?

  17. Anonymous

    September 3, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Should keep those qb’s.

  18. Anonymus

    September 3, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    What’s going to happen to Christian Ponder, Ryan Tannehill, and Alex Smith?

  19. Anonymous

    September 3, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    We want more!!!

  20. Anonymous

    September 4, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    I just can’t get enough of these! Can’t stop laughing…

  21. Hardass Mckicknutz

    September 4, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    What the FUCK kind of name is Chris Klopfenstein anyway?

  22. amy

    September 4, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    More Tanny!!!

    And keep it up, reading these makes my Mondays!

  23. Anonymous

    September 4, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    This is really upsetting how wack these guys are…. Play football save that shit for some other time………. Especially PFM……., one ring

  24. Nick Livaich

    September 5, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Noooooo we need ELI! THIS IS BS!!

  25. Will

    September 5, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    @GB It started with the Hall of Fame one.

  26. shadowcell

    September 8, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    of course Eli will be back. someone’s gotta give him shit for Romoing harder than Romo in Romo’s house tonight.

  27. Steve

    September 9, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Great job, guys. You’ve done an epic job of keeping it edgy and funny. Look forward to much more!

  28. smaluth28

    September 24, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    @MC ClapYoHandz, your name is awesome. HUGE fan of Psych.

ProFootballMock Talk: