NFL QBs on FACEBOOK: CANDY ASSES

By
Updated: October 28, 2013

HALLOWEEN CANDYASSES FEATURED 475

DREW BREES

BOO! HAHAHA. DID I SCARE ALL YOU HALLO-WEENIES?

DREW BREES

Because I know I sure terrified the Bills defense with FIVE BIG ASS TD PASSES YESTERDAY! BWAHAHAHAHA

TOM BRADY

AHHH! NEVER MIND THAT! WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED AS?

DREW BREES

What? Nothing. I’m not wearing a costume.

AARON RODGERS

BUT YOUR FACE? WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS THING ON YOUR FACE?

DREW BREES

You know very well that it’s a BIRTHMARK you insensitive ghouls.

ANDY DALTON

IT’S HORRIBLE!

CAM NEWTON

KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

AHH! I LOOKED RIGHT AT IT! NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE WEEK TO LIVE!

DREW BREES

Your petty insults can’t frighten me. Not after I tootsie-rolled something called a Thaddeus Lewis and the Bills by 18 points.

THADDEUS LEWIS

You know what, Brees? If you were a Halloween candy, you’d be Peeps.

DREW BREES

Hey, how you doing there Pixie Stick? That sure was an all-Hallow’s Eve of a game yesterday, huh?

THADDEUS LEWIS

Yep. And you’re a Summer’s Eve of a douche.

CALVIN JOHNSON

DID Y’ALL SEE CALVIN JOHNSON HAUNT THE DALLAS DB’S ALL DAY YESTERDAY?! HAHAHA

CALVIN JOHNSON

SUCK IT, DEZ BRYANT. Remember when you said you could do “anything Calvin Johnson could do?”

CALVIN JOHNSON

WELL CALVIN JOHNSON OUT GAINED YOU 329 TO 72, BUTTERFINGERS!

JOE FLACCO

To be fair, Dez did beat you in the “sideline tantrums” stat 2-0

MATT STAFFORD

Wait you guys, stop, stop! Stop the convo!

ENTIRE COWBOYS DEFENSE

Huh? What? Why are we stopping?

MATT STAFFORD

PSYCHE JUST KIDDING! TOUCHDOWN LIONS! HEE HEE HEE!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THAT’S A REFERENCE TO THE FAKE SPIKE STAFFORD DID RIGHT BEFORE HE SCORED THE GAME WINNING TD!

PEYTON MANNING

Once again, the Cowboys find a new and creative way to derp a defeat from the jaws of victory.

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHA. DALLAS IS ON PACE FOR A 4th STRAIGHT NON-WINNING SEASON!

TOM LANDRY

Spins in grave

CAM NEWTON

So let me get this straight: Calvin Johnson had 329 yards, and the putrid Cowboys defense gave up 400 yards passing to a FOURTH QB this season?

COWBOYS FANS

THANKS A LOT ROMO!

TONY ROMO

YOU CAN’T BLAME ME! I DID NOT PLAY DEFENSE YESTERDAY!

DEZ BRYANT

ME NEITHER!

JASON WITTEN

ME NEITHER!

ENTIRE COWBOYS DEFENSE

US NEITHER!

CALVIN JOHNSON

I still can’t believe that I missed the all-time NFL record for receiving yards in a game by just SEVEN YARDS!

CALVIN JOHNSON

Do you have any idea how it feels to come so close to immortality like that, only to fall just a few yards short?

ADRIAN PETERSON

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

Eric Dickerson likes this

TOM BRADY

TRICK OR TWAT, BITCHES!

PEYTON MANNING

You’re asking? Then it’s clearly “twat.”

TOM BRADY

Guess who has a TWO GAME LEAD IN THE AFC EAST after sending Ryan Tannehill and his team of sandy vaginas back to South Beach with a big fat loss!

RYAN TANNEHILL

I HOPE YOUR DOG EATS ALL YOUR HALLOWEEN CHOCOLATE, BRADY!

Michael Vick likes this

PHILIP RIVERS

Hey Brady. I see you’re dressed as the Gorton’s Fisherman for Halloween. I assume that’s because your Pats skewered the Dolphins yesterday?

TOM BRADY

What? No, I’m just wearing this rain slicker because Ryan Tannehill’s wife is a squirter.

RYAN TANNEHILL

YOU LEAVE MY LOVELY WIFE OUT OF THIS, BRADY

TOM BRADY

That’s not what she said when I was spankin’ dat ass all night.

TOM BRADY

How do you think I got my right hand all swollen, anyway?

AARON RODGERS

DID Y’ALL SEE THE MIGHTY AARON RODGERS KICK JOSH FREEMAN’S ASS IN PRIME TIME LAST NIGHT?!

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Josh Freeman didn’t play last night I did.

AARON RODGERS

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

CHRISTIAN PONDER

WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS DOZENS OF TIMES! I’M CHRISTIAN PONDER, QB OF THE VIKINGS

AARON RODGERS

BULLSHIT! Josh Freeman has been the Vikings QB for as long as I can remember.

CHRISTIAN PONDER

HE’S ONLY STARTED ONE GAME!

PEYTON MANNING

Listen Plumtree, are you sure you really want the credit for that rotting corpse of a game?

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Hmm. Fair point. NICE JOB BLOWING THE GAME LAST NIGHT, JOSH FREEMAN

GREG SCHIANO likes this

AARON RODGERS

Yo Eddie Lacy. Say what I told you to say.

EDDIE LACY

I’d rather not.

AARON RODGERS

SAY IT OR I’LL DISCOUNT DOUBLE CHECK YOUR FAT ASS BACK TO THE BENCH

EDDIE LACY

Okay fine.

EDDIE LACY

Lace mode, mother F’ers.

AARON RODGERS

IN ALL CAPS, AND WITH THE FULL SWEAR WORD

EDDIE LACY

LACE MODE, MOTHERFUCKERS

AARON RODGERS

Good. Now say the rest of it.

EDDIE LACY

Um, okay.

EDDIE LACY

LACE MODE HAS RUN FAIRLY WELL THE PAST SEVERAL WEEKS. HELPED ESTABLISH BALANCE ON PACKERS OFFENSE. LACE MODE JUST PROUD TO BE PART OF WINNING EFFORT.

AARON RODGERS

God you suck at this.

MATT SCHAUB

The fuck you trying to do Rodgers?

AARON RODGERS

I’m showing that evil dwarf Russell Wilson that’s he’s not the only one with a power running game.

AARON RODGERS

SUCK IT, “BEAST MODE.” THE PACKERS NOW HAVE “LACE MODE”

JOE FLACCO

That is the worst nickname ever.

DREW BREES

Still, it’s pretty surprising. The Packers are actually rushing the ball with mild efficiency?

ANDY DALTON

I know right? Normally when you think “Green Bay” you think, “all passing, no running.”

VINCE LOMBARDI

Spins in grave

AARON RODGERS

WHATCHA GOT TO SAY NOW, WILSON? MY PACKERS ARE PASSING AND RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE FIELD. NOW THERE’S NOTHING YOU HAVE THAT I DON’T!

RUSSELL WILSON

Except a defense.

AARON RODGERS

WILSON, I WILL SLICE OPEN THE TOP OF YOUR SKULL, SCOOP OUT THE GOOPY INSIDES WITH A CURVED SPOON, SHOVE A CANDLE IN YOUR NOSE AND LEAVE YOU ON MY FRONT PORCH FOR HALLOWEEN NIGHT!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Hey, did all you pumpkinheads see me do my Jack the Ripper impersonation in London by CARVING UP THE JAGUARS LIKE A BUNCH OF DEAD HOOKERS? HAHAHA.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

I rolled up 42 points against those feline failures to the tune of 42-10!

PHILIP RIVERS

42 points? So, what were your stats? Like, 400 yards passing and 4 TD’s?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Naw, just 164 yards and 1 TD. The “49ers way” is to focus much more on power running instead of the passing game.

BILL WALSH

Spins in grave

PEYTON MANNING

Well I hope all you Jack-O-Losers saw me HALLO-WHIP Robert Griffin and the Redskins yesterday.

PEYTON MANNING

354 YARDS! FOUR TOUCHDOWNS! I EVEN MADE A TACKLE ON DEFENSE!

JERRY JONES

(immediately tries to sign Peyton Manning to play free safety)

RGIII

Listen Manning, we still picked you off three times in that game

PEYTON MANNING

Good thing you did. Otherwise we might have scored 38 unanswered points on you.

PEYTON MANNING

WAIT WE DID THAT ANYWAY. WOOT WOOT.

RGIII

You know what Manning? If you were a treat in a Halloween basket, you’d be floss.

PEYTON MANNING

Oh Griffin, you sad little hobblegoblin. I remember when I was Rookie of the Year once, like you were last year.

PEYTON MANNING

But unlike you, that wasn’t the peak of my career. HAHAHA.

RGIII

I HOPE ALL YOUR JELLY BEANS ARE LICORICE, MANNING.

PEYTON MANNING

Sucks to be you, PegLeg. Looks like your sorry-ass Skins are gonna miss the playoffs for the 18th time in the past 22 years.

GEORGE ALLEN

Spins in grave

ELI MANNING

Well you know who IS moving toward the playoffs in the NFC East? I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with NOT THE COWTOYS, BEAGLES, OR DEADSKINS. LOLOLOLOL.

TOM BRADY

Seriously Manning? You cannot talk smack when you were 0-6 just one week ago.

ELI MANNING

Oh but you can when you’re 2-0 IN THE PAST WEEK, DUM-DUM.

ELI MANNING

AND THAT PUTS MY G-MEN JUST TWO GAMES BEHIND THE LEAD IN THE NFC EAST

PHILIP RIVERS

Wow. That’s amazing

MATT STAFFORD

That 2-6 is only two games back in the NFC East?

PHILIP RIVERS

No, that 2-6 doesn’t actually lead the NFC East

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S NOT A VERY GOOD DIVISION

ALEX SMITH

You guys wanna talk about a real crappy division?

ALEX SMITH

The only worthwhile team in the AFC West is my awesome EIGHT-AND-OH CHIEFS.

ALEX SMITH

After that, it’s just three also-ran squads fighting for wildcard scraps. HAHAHA

PEYTON MANNING

NO ONE IS IMPRESSED WITH YOUR ARTIFICIALLY INFLATED RECORD, ALEX SMITH

PEYTON MANNING

You’ve just been lucky your last two games were against opponents who were starting crappy backup QB.s

CARSON PALMER

Meanwhile, opponents of the Atlanta Falcons have played SEVEN straight weeks against a crappy backup QB

MATT RYAN

Hey! I am NOT a backup QB

CARSON PALMER

Well you sure played like one yesterday when you threw those FOUR INTERCEPTIONS. BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!

MATT RYAN

STFU Palmer, you worthless journeyman. You’ve been passed around more than a Werther’s Original at Grandma’s house.

CARSON PALMER

YOU TAKE THAT BACK RYAN.

CARSON PALMER

Wait, never mind. I’m sure one my teammates will pick it off and take it back for you. ROFL.

MATT RYAN

I HOPE FREDDIE KRUGER GIVES YOU A PROSTATE EXAM, PALMER

CARSON PALMER

Aww Ryan, are you sore because I drove a stake into the heart of your playoff hopes?

CARSON PALMER

Well that’s what you get for being COUNT PICK-ULA, THE UNDEAD KING OF INTERCEPTALVANIA. LOLOLOLOL

ANDY DALTON

Hey everyone. In honor of Halloween, I STUCK A RAZOR BLADE IN THE BIG APPLE. HAHAHAHA

ALEX SMITH

What? Dalton, that’s terrible.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Yo, that’s messed up. Kids get killed that way.

MATT STAFFORD

ANDY DALTON MURDERS SCHOOLCHILDREN!

ANDY DALTON

No you Milk Duds. I mean that I BEAT GENO SMITH BY FORTY POINTS! AHAHAHAHA

GENO SMITH

I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A POISONED RED-HOT, DALTON

ANDY DALTON

And while the GINGER NINJA threw FIVE TDs, the poor, hapless Jets only passed for a mere 173 yards and 2 picks.

JOE NAMATH

Spins in grave

ANDREW LUCK

Joe Namath isn’t dead.

JOE FLACCO

Well, his liver is.

TERRELLE PRYOR

Hey, I wanna talk about the Oakland Raiders vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers

THE YEAR 1976

WHOO-HOO! WHAT AN EPIC CLASH OF NFL POWERHOUSES!

TERRELLE PRYOR

DID Y’ALL SEE HOW I RAN FOR 93 YARDS AND A TD ON THE FIRST PLAY FROM SCRIMMAGE?!

CHUCK NOLL

Spins in grave

DREW BREES

Chuck Noll isn’t dead.

MEAN JOE GREENE

Spins in grave

ALEX SMITH

Nope. He’s not dead either.

JACK LAMBERT

Spins in grave

PEYTON MANNING

HE’S STILL ALIVE TOO.

AARON RODGERS

DAMMIT, THE JOKE ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU USE SOMEONE WHO’S ACTUALLY DEAD!

THE STEELERS PLAYOFF CHANCES

Spins in grave

ANDY DALTON

There you go.

JAY CUTLER

Well, I’m outta here.

JAY CUTLER

Since I have some free time these days, I’m gonna spend this week jumping out of bushes to scare the shit out of the neighborhood kids.

ANDREW LUCK

Gosh. Is that something you do every Halloween?

JAY CUTLER

Huh. Is it Halloween already?

TOM BRADY

Hey Ryan Tannehill, before we go. Do you have any naked pictures of your wife?

RYAN TANNEHILL

NO!

TOM BRADY

You want some?

RYAN TANNEHILL

SIT ON A TOBLERONE, BRADY

Sam Bradford was gonna do that anyway.

NFL QBs on FACEBOOK: CANDY ASSES

Leave a Reply

70 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    November 8, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    he was sqidward, dumbass.

  2. Anonymous

    November 8, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Dude. I totally thought that Kapernick looked like Squidward! I’m glad I’m not the only one to see this striking similarity.

  3. Anonymous

    November 7, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Lmfao! Best one of the season so far!

  4. Me

    November 4, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    If you aren’t a paid subscriber then shut up and don’t log on. Big Ben and Cutler are f’ing hilarious.

  5. Memo

    November 1, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Excellent job! Every week you make me Laugh my freakin pants off. That final line of Brady was hilarious!!!!

  6. Pingback: NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: 2013 - Page 4

  7. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 3:25 am

    Needs more Bradford.

  8. Anonymous

    October 31, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    OMG, peg leg! Hilarious! Love the profile pics.

  9. NotMarkSanchez

    October 31, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    HILARIOUS! Keep it that way! The coaches spinning on their graves and last Brady’s comment were the best parts

  10. Anonymous

    October 30, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    This was awesome. Having the dead coaches spin in their graves was a nice touch. Those who found it boring are probably not even football fanatics to get the jokes. Keep up the great work!

  11. Dave

    October 30, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Christian Ponder as the invisible man??? Brilliant!!!

    So was the reference to RGIII having peaked already! (Though Manning did not win ROY, but the joke was worth the oversight)

  12. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    Everyone bitches about how bad these are…did you get a laugh? Yes? Then stfu, not like you could do better. Seriously

  13. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Tons better from last week! Great job guys! The FB profiles pics had me in stitches! Glad you didn’t go all “blue” this week with the humor!

  14. Ebad

    October 29, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    keep tannehill in these its funnier

  15. Pingback: NFL Quarterbacks Conversation on Facebook: Week 8 Round-up | Total Pro Sports

  16. smaluth28

    October 29, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    Holy shit. That was so hilarious! The pictures made the jokes even better! Great job, writers!

  17. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    What?

  18. Nemo

    October 29, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Andrew Luck should’ve been a MLP… just sayin’

    the costumes were okay.

  19. Jesse Elliott

    October 29, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    L. Johnson wants his money back.

  20. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 11:19 am

    LACE MODE, woooh. :D

  21. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Brilliant as always – love the ‘Lace Mode’

  22. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 9:27 am

    These have been great all season, but this one was a major dud. Not even worth sharing.

  23. scott

    October 29, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Good stuff. Keep them coming!

  24. Celly C

    October 29, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Aaron Rodgers was hilarious in this one, especially “Lace Mode”, Funny stuff!

  25. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Eli Manning as Gazoo. Genius.
    IT’S BECAUSE ELI’S HEAD LOOKS HUGE COMPARED TO HIS BODY.

  26. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 6:24 am

    So wrong, but so darn funny.

  27. GB

    October 29, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Good stuff…even the Cowboys jokes hahaha!

  28. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 12:24 am

    lol. Nice job losing to the Packers, Freeman.

  29. Alex Big-Al Breton

    October 28, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    To all the morons complaining saying these aren’t funny and crap like that, 1st off, NOBODY is forcing you to read these. And 2nd, Like any of you are funnier, because these are funny as hell, and I always look forward to reading these every Monday. So Keep Hating & PCE OUT!!

  30. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    The earlier ones were great, but I feel like recently these have declined. Before all the fanboys attack, I’m just speaking my opinion. Anyways, they just don’t have that spark like they used to have. I used to lol at these, but now I just grin every once and a while.

  31. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Lacy Mode sounds like something Sam Bradford would be into….

  32. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Agree with Anon = Brady’s last line was hilarious!!

  33. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Steeler’s Playoff Chances *lols*

  34. Tony Brown

    October 28, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Greg Schiano likes this
    Sam Bradford was gonna do that anyway

    Killed me! lol

  35. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    the Schiano like and Philip rivers’ joker painted face are the best

  36. Panda

    October 28, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    No Sam Bradford = Sad Panda

  37. RPM

    October 28, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    “Steelers playoff chances” and Daltons response were greatness. Loved the icons!

  38. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Loved it like usual!

  39. Mark

    October 28, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Genius as always.

  40. Sam

    October 28, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    Needs more sam Bradford

  41. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    these are great! keep these covos coming. i love reading them. dont listen to the haters. these keep me laughing. i loved the profile pictures. and i love how everyone has a character. my suggestion is give cam newton a character. like i said keep these posts coming. another hilarious week like usual

  42. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Wilson’s profile pic is perfect for his usual one-liner for Rogers.

  43. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Profile pics were the best part! LOL

  44. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Wilsons one liners are the best. I’m pretty sure Rodgers isn’t going to let go of the immaculate catch W for the Hawks for years! Way to keep playing on that emotion guys

  45. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    “ANDY DALTON MURDERS SCHOOLCHILDREN!”

    -Matt Stafford.

  46. Gene Beesley Kaschmitter

    October 28, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    it was great this week. more russell wilson

  47. King D

    October 28, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    And every week we have whiney little bitches like: Matthew Hajducky, L.Johnson, and Jeff. If you dont like it fingerbang yourself to something else.

  48. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    LOL @ Steelers playoff chances!
    Good one guys!

  49. L.Johnson

    October 28, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    2 weeks now with subpar jokes. sigh

  50. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    For those who complain, no one is forcing you to read these articles. ijs

  51. Kendall

    October 28, 2013 at 11:46 am

    I luv Drew Brees! Poor thing with this scar!! lol hilarious guys.

  52. bobman2

    October 28, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Really enjoyed their icons, especially Ralph Wiggum picking his nose for Ben R. BTW, Peyton Manning was not OROY–Randy Moss was that year.

  53. Snoop

    October 28, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Best one in a couple weeks, nice work.

  54. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Love the Michael Vick “Like”.

  55. Jeff

    October 28, 2013 at 11:18 am

    This should be moved to Lamebook

  56. Sharron

    October 28, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Hilarious!

  57. Chrth

    October 28, 2013 at 10:54 am

    @Anonymous: The defense didn’t give up 31 points. Are you new to football or something?

  58. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 10:45 am

    @Shinobi, the Packers just gave up 31 points to the Vikings. I don’t think their defense is very good. Especially when compared to the Seahawks.

  59. Daniel

    October 28, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Great as Always!

  60. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 10:02 am

    The icons were killing it for me! Great job, again, guys!

  61. Seth

    October 28, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Matthew, it’s not like you’re paying them to do this, so don’t complain if they put out [in your opinion] a few weak articles

  62. cl_kyle

    October 28, 2013 at 10:00 am

    +1 ACW

  63. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 9:58 am

    The profile pics LOL

  64. brunson80

    October 28, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Love the costumes– Philip Rivers is the best. hahaha.

    Oh, and Matthew? If you don’t like it, then don’t read it. The last thing the internet needs is another whiny little bitch like you. Mmmmkay Ducky-poo?

  65. Corey De Lee

    October 28, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Peg leg lmao

  66. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 9:40 am

    The icons are the best! Good job writers!!

  67. ACW

    October 28, 2013 at 9:25 am

    The two best lines: “ENTIRE COWBOYS DEFENSE: US NEITHER!” and “Sam Bradford was gonna do that anyway”

  68. Shinobi

    October 28, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Ummm, you guys realize the Packers actually have a pretty good defense, right? Wilson’s “burn” on Rodgers doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if you think about it. “A healthy team” might make more sense, considering the Packer’s injury problem.

  69. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Brady’s last line made me piss in my pants ahahahaha

  70. Matthew Hajducky

    October 28, 2013 at 9:08 am

    I read half of this and honestly couldn’t finish reading without boredom. Get your shit together guys.

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