Eli Manning: “You Know, If You Combine My Stats With My Brother’s, I’m Having A Pretty Good Year”

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Updated: September 27, 2013

eli opinion 150

This year has kind of sucked so far. The Giants are 0-3, our offense is ranked in the bottom half of the league,  and the New York media is ripping me apart. They’re saying that I’ve become too mistake prone, and that 2013 may very well be my worst season so far in the NFL.

 

But you know what? I did a little digging into the stat sheet, and guess what I discovered? Despite what the LAMEstream media might try to tell you, I’m actually having a pretty good year so far, assuming that you combine my numbers with those of my brother, Peyton.

 

Here, check this out: So far this season I have 12 TD’s, and only 8 INT’s. Pretty good, right? Now bear in mind, those are cumulative stats between myself and my older bro, but it’s all in the family, so I think that’s allowed. Pop always raised us to share and share alike, and though he was mostly referring to comic books and Legos, I figure the point applies here as well.

PEYTON ELI MANNING COMBINED STATS

 

So you wanna know how many passing yards I have so far this season? 2,074! Crazy, right? That puts me on pace for over 11,000 yards this year, which would more than DOUBLE the existing record. And before you get all huffy about it not being fair, since I’m combining yards with Peyton, I’ll have you know that I looked through the entire NFL record book, and they don’t even have a category for “Most Combined Passing Yards By A Sibling Duo in a Single Season,” therefore I have no choice but to apply our total to the standard record sheet. So there.

 

And don’t act like this whole “combining stats” thing is unheard of. I was watching the Patriots game the other day, and the announcers were talking about Belichick and Brady being on some stupid list for most wins by a coach-QB duo in history. And whenever they show a Texans game, they always refer to Arian Foster and Ben Tate as being the best 1-2 punch in the league at RB. So if everyone else gets to combine stats, then so can I.

 

So anyway, the next time you hear one of your friends or coworkers talking some nonsense about me having a bad season, just remind them that under this new formula of mine, my current QB rating is 102.6, which is not too shabby if you ask me. And while you’re at it, you can also inform them that if you combine my current running yards with those of LeSean McCoy, I am currently the NFL’s rushing leader as well! So, yeah, I think it’s safe to say that the 2013 NFL MVP trophy is going to have my name on it.

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7 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    September 29, 2013 at 12:29 am

    Because you’re a faggot

  2. AnonS

    September 28, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    How is it combined when they just take Peyton’s TD numbers? This wasn’t that funny to begin with, but with the errors I don’t even know what the point of it is.

  3. Anonymous

    September 28, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Bitch you high

  4. Eed

    September 28, 2013 at 3:15 am

    The Broncos team carried Tim Tebow to the playoffs. Tim Tebow! Not impressed with Peyton’s showing off. He’s like an old man in a Ferrari…over compensating. Meanwhile, Eli is living his dad Archie’s nightmare with the Saints. Hard not to root for Eli and be unimpressed with Peyton until the playoffs. Curious to see if he’ll choke. Again.

  5. IFHSS

    September 27, 2013 at 8:35 am

    HAHA this one is pretty funny. As for the top comment I thought Eli was just cherry picking the stats but yes it looks like a terrible mistake. STILL FUNNY though!

  6. Anonymous

    September 27, 2013 at 7:15 am

    You obviously didn’t get it…

  7. Jos Kony

    September 27, 2013 at 6:38 am

    I’m not the world’s smartest brutal child army general, but I’m pretty sure that 12 + 5 = 17. However 8+ 0 = 8, so at least the dipshit who wrote this satire article got it half right. Fuck man, it’s in the god damn stat picture in the column.

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