Eli Manning Fitted With “Anti-Interception” Shock Collar
NEW YORK – Giants QB Eli Manning, whose 15 interceptions through 8 weeks of play currently lead the NFL, has been fitted by coaches with a modified “anti-interception” shock collar designed to deliver a small but powerful electric jolt to Manning anytime he completes a pass to a member of the opposing team.
“It’s the latest in turnover deterrent technology,” said Giants coach Tom Coughlin. “The collar receives a feed directly from the NFL statistician working in the Metlife Stadium press box. Whenever it senses that an interception has been recorded by one of our opponents, Eli is jolted with anywhere from one to thirty thousand volts, depending on how deep in our own territory the interception occurs. Through the use of negative electric reinforcement, he quickly learns that throwing the ball to the other team three or four times a game maybe isn’t such a good idea.”
“Is it humane? I guess that depends on your definition of humane,” added Coughlin, in response to a reporter’s question. “If you think that minimizing turnovers in order to save the job of a two-time Super Bowl winning coach is humane, then yes, I can assure you it is very humane.”
“I hate it,” whined Manning, while tugging uselessly at the double-reinforced lock that keeps the collar snug to his neck. “It’s too tight, and it’s heavier than it looks. Plus those shocks really hurt, like, a lot, you guys. And now the stupid thing is equipped with some sort of biorhythm-sensing thingamajiggy that gives me a shock if I even just think about throwing an interOWWWWWWWW,” at which point the 10th year pro collapsed to the locker room floor and thrashed about painfully, while drooling uncontrollably.