Eagles Encourage Fans To Report Abusive Behavior In Stands By Texting P*U*S*S*Y

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Updated: December 11, 2014

PHILADELPHIA – In an effort to address concerns that supporters of visiting teams are often made to feel uncomfortable or threatened while sitting in the stands during Eagles games, officials at Philadelphia’s Lincoln Financial Field announced today a plan which would allow opposing fans to report abusive behavior by using their smartphone to text a request for help to the 5 digit code, “P*U*S*S*Y.”

EAGLES FANS PICK ON OPPOSING FANS

 

“We have heard complaints from numerous visitors that ‘The Linc’ con be a somewhat hostile and unwelcoming place for fans of our competitors,” said head of security Robbie “Razor” Krakowski. “Now with this new plan, we have put into effect a system to handle those issues. Let’s say you’re in the stands cheering for the Redskins, Giants, or even the Cowboys. Why you’d want to waste your time doing something that stupid is beyond me, but that’s neither here nor there. If at any point, one of the thousands of our loyal, passionate, kickass Eagles fans gets in your face and starts screaming obscenities at you, or even threatens you with physical violence, all you have to do is take out your phone and text P*U*S*S*Y to stadium security with your weak, pathetic little feminine fingers.”

 

Krakowski also laid out plans for an alternate means of contact as well.

“Remember visiting fans, in the event that our text system becomes overloaded with requests for help, and you find yourself in need of emergency assistance, you can also alert us to your situation by sending an email to www.NoOneGivesAFuckAboutYou.com. And please make sure to write, “Help, I’m A Whiny Little Bitch” in the subject line to be sure your message is routed to the correct department.”

 

When asked what discipline the rowdy home fans would face if reported, Krakowski replied, “Discipline? What discipline? No, we’re not going to actually do anything. The deal is, if you’re a fan of an opposing team, and you feel like you’re getting harassed, then you should text us, tell us the nature of your complaint, and then we can all read it and have a good laugh at your expense while you get your ass beat. End of transaction.”

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7 Comments

  1. Sam Bradford

    December 13, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    What has 2 legs and bleeds?

    • Sam Bradford

      December 13, 2014 at 7:57 pm

      Anyone? 5 minutes?

      • Sam Bradford

        December 13, 2014 at 7:58 pm

        It’s a half eaten cat

        • Sam Bradford

          December 13, 2014 at 7:58 pm

          Your probably wondering where the other half is.

          • Sam Bradford

            December 13, 2014 at 7:59 pm

            Well you never will know

  2. AnonyMOOSE

    December 11, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Good thing they haven’t extended the plan to Eagles players. Mark Sanchez would fumble the phone up Brandon Moore’s ass, and it would get returned for a touchdown.

  3. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 11, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE EAGLES FANS ARE PUSSIES.

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