Dry-Cleaning Bill Of $43.08 Sends Peyton Manning Into PTSD Rage

By
Updated: July 29, 2014

DENVER – Broncos QB Peyton Manning, during a brief stop yesterday at Stain-B-Gone Dry Cleaners to pick up some freshly laundered dress shirts and slacks, flew into what witnesses described as a, “violently unhinged temper tantrum,” upon learning that the bill for the cleaning service amounted to precisely $43.08, a figure reminiscent of the 43-8 loss his Denver squad suffered at the hands of the Seattle Seahawks in February’s Super Bowl.

 And you should've seen how mad he got when the cashier accidentally snapped his change over his head

And you should’ve seen how mad he got when the cashier accidentally snapped his change over his head

 

“It was crazy,” remarked Stain-B-Gone employee Evelyn Patterson. “I handed him his clothes, told him the bill came out to $43.08, and waited for him to hand me a credit card. Instead, his eye started to twitch, his lip began to curl, and his forehead turned, like, six different shades of red. Next thing I know, he starts howling at the top of his lungs and pounding his fists on the desk. Then he leapt over the counter and began yanking dozens of garments away from the conveyor belt and tearing them in half with his teeth.”

 

Added Patterson: “All the while, he’s screaming, ‘You goddamn little blue and green shitbirds! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you all!’ It really freaked out the owner of the pet shop next door.”

 

“Mr Manning’s behavior indicates he’s suffering from a classic case of PTSD, or ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,'” said local clinical psychologist Dr. Suzanne Rosten. “When an individual suffers an awful, traumatizing experience, often the pent=up emotion associated with that experience can come flooding back due to a ‘trigger,’ as was the case with this dry cleaning bill. Normally, we see PTSD in police officers or war veterans, not in people who simply play sports for a living. But then again there was nothing simple about that humiliating beatdown the ‘Hawks hammered down on the Broncos. We should consider ourselves lucky Mr. Manning didn’t go on a cross-country murder spree after an ass-kicking like that.”

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51 Comments

  1. Name, the anonymous douche, et. al. please note: Go fuck yourselves. Moist, penis, wanking, and fecal play. That is all.

  2. Peyton Manning

    August 16, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Payton manning you spelt my name wrong it’s Peyton Manning you Fricking idiot

    • PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING

      November 18, 2014 at 11:18 am

      THAT’S PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING TO YOU BITCHFACE

  3. Anonymous

    August 4, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    “and his forehead turned, like, six different shades of red”… So what did the rest of his forehead do? (implying that he has a massively large forehead – sorry for the BR-esque explaination)

  4. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 1, 2014 at 4:28 am

    BECAUSE THE SAINTS BEAT THE COLTS 31-17 IN SUPER BOWL 44 YOU SEE.

  5. Reporter on the scene

    July 31, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Unfortunately Manning was walking by the room in which Dr. Rosten was conducting the intervew, resulting in a relapse which actually did send him on, as Manning continually screamed, a “Fuck-You-Wilson-Murder-You-All-Rampage”. The only victim was Manning himself. Who, while screaming to the sky, accidentally choked on an osprey dropping.

  6. Jimmy

    July 30, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I was really hoping for some sort of $31.17 joke in there too.

  7. Marshawn Lynch

    July 30, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS!!! BEAST MODE NOT CONCERNED ABOUT HIGH DRY CLEANING BILLS BECAUSE BEAST MODE NOT NEED DRY CLEANING. BEAST MODE TRYING TO GET LARGE CONTRACT SO BEAST MODE CAN CONTINUE TO RUN ALL OVER PUNY DEFENDERS.

  8. I love butthurt Bronco fans

    July 29, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    ^^^ I’m sure your team will have a chance to go to the Super Bowl this year … and shit the bed, again!

  9. Time Traveling Broncos Fan from 2/2/2014

    July 29, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    SHIT! I forgot to place a huge ass bet on the Broncos this past week. Damn it well how about I take the Broncos for how much that short midget quarterback from Seattle gets paid this year. I promise that Peyton GODDAMN Manning will humiliate the Seachickens in the Super Bowl and he will be the cover athlete for Madden 15. GO BRONCOS!

  10. Typical Seahawk Fan

    July 29, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    Bring it on Manning!! 43-8. 43-8. 43-8. You can’t go anywhere without seeing us!! We’re the best team ever and the most loyal fans in our second year in the NFL. Repeat coming in February! #12thmansince2012

  11. Penis Who Cums

    July 29, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    *Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!*

  12. Anonymous

    July 29, 2014 at 8:07 pm

    Shit that’s going to be a whole lot of bandwagoner fans that are going to die! Oh well no one will miss them anyways.

  13. Peyton Manning

    July 29, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    FUCK YOU WILSON AND FUCK YOU TOO PATTERSON. (PTSD kicks in. Goes on cross country murdering spree killing anyone wearing Seahawks gear in sight.)

  14. Just Someone

    July 29, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Well, five more days until the Hall of Fame Game. New York Giants fans, Buffalo Bills fans, are you ready?

    New Jersey Jets fans, are you going to boo for either team or both teams?

  15. Josh McCown

    July 29, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    Who am I? I’m a starting QB that’s who! Hash tag do you even football?

  16. Darth Anonymous

    July 29, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    I will use the powers I stole from Bill Belichick to eliminate these viral commenters misspelling the qb names though I can’t promise they’ll work. Based on my analysis the penis whisperer can only be destroyed if we ALL ignore it. I realize that my talking it up may bring out another appearance but it was a sacrifice that needed to be made. I could kill this Josh McCown but since I don’t know who or what he is I’ll let him live and remain irrelevant.

  17. Russell Wilson

    July 29, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    And you better pay up soon Peyton. I hear they have a late fee of 12 dollars. As in 12th man. Or 1-2 for your superbowl record. Or #12 as in the number of games you have lost in the playoffs.

    • PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING

      November 18, 2014 at 11:19 am

      CHOKE ON A BREAKFAST BURRITO, WILSON

  18. Evelyn Patterson

    July 29, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Yeah Peyton after you went all crazy and ripped other people’s dry cleaning I’m afraid I have to charge you more. In ordee to pay and replace other people clothes you have to pay 4,800 dollars more. So a grand total of 4843.08

  19. Nick Foles

    July 29, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    @ABOVE DDIIIEEEEE!

  20. Women Who Whispers "Ass"

    July 29, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    *Whispers* Ass

  21. Nick Foles

    July 29, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK ALL OF THE CCOMMENTTT SECCCTTIOOON RUUUINNERS!!!!

  22. Josh McCown

    July 29, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Hash tag spooky.

  23. Aaron Rodgers

    July 29, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    I WILL HANG YOU FROM A TREE AND COVER YOU WITH BIRDSEED WILSON!

  24. Josh McCown

    July 29, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Right Wilson, and now here comes Rodgers to say something like “I will hang you from a tree and cover you with birdseed or something like that Wilson”

  25. Russell Wilson

    July 29, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    The same thing happens to Aaron Rodgers at church.

  26. Penis Who Whispers "Guy"

    July 29, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    (While Whispering)

  27. Anonymous

    July 29, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    $43.08 for dry cleaning? That’s outrages! I would be pissed as hell too.

  28. Penis Who Whispers "Guy"

    July 29, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    “Guy”

  29. Travis

    July 29, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    In all seriousness, this article was absolutely perfect.

    “You goddamn little blue and green shitbirds!”

  30. ben rothlisburgir, rojir gudel, and droo breeze

    July 29, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    @name ur joost a buthert homo hoo iznt as silly as us! go bak to ur cave u inturnet trol!!!!!!

  31. ben rothlisburgir, rojir gudel, and droo breeze

    July 29, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    @name but wee r foony too! we yoos tha sam jox pfm yooses so we moost be foony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  32. Bri-guy

    July 29, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    I will NOT look you in the eye, Raffi

  33. Name

    July 29, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Actually, they used to be funny before idiots like Guy Who Whispers Penis, the overload of Michael Sam and Aaron Rodgers gay jokes, the idiot who does the Josh McCown twitter thing, this Moist idiot, and this moron who posted above me came in. You’re not funny at all. Please let people actually post stuff in the comment convos that is somewhat intelligent, when the comment convos are constantly interrupted by Guy Who Whispers Penis or someone else who thinks its funny to post a bunch of random garbage, then the comment convos aren’t funny. Whenever I contribute to the comment convos I actually make it make sense.

  34. ben rothlisburgir, rojir gudel, and droo breeze

    July 29, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    @sosiyity OMG SHOOT UP THEES FAK KONVOZ AR THA BEST THING TOO HAPIN TOO PFM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!11!11!!!!!!!111!!!! UR JUST A HATIR KUZ UR NOT AZ SILLI AZ US!!!!

  35. Payton Manning

    July 29, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    WILSON! I HOPE YOU GET ATTACKED BY A SWARM OF MOTHS FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME!

  36. Society

    July 29, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    These comment convos aren’t funny.

  37. droo breeze

    July 29, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    shoot up rojir gudel!!!!!!!!!!! im droo breeze!!!!!!! im mad @ u for banning shown paytin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lololololololololololol rofl im a fake konvo guy too!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  38. rojir gudel

    July 29, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    oh no ben rothlisburgir!!!!!!!!!!!! im rojir gudel and im fineing yoo! lol itz funy kuz im a fake konvo guy too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  39. ben rothlisburgir

    July 29, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    hay guize im ben rothlisburgir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha explane joke explane joke!!!!!!! thees fake koment konvos ar sooper silly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  40. Anonymous

    July 29, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    Yes Peyton Manning please kill the fucking seachickens please! No one likes that loud mouth trash talking piece of shit sherman. Or that stupid fucking little shrimp named Russell Wilson. You would do this country a HUGE favor if you murdered all those cocky arrogant fuckers. And kill as many bandwagoners while your at it too!

  41. Guy who is confused about what PFM is

    July 29, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    So Payton Manning’s a hot head over being overcharged at a dry cleaners? Join the club.

  42. Anonymous

    July 29, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    To: the idiot who commented right before me

    youre not funny. just go away like guy who whispers penis, if you want to be part of the comment convos then do part of the comment convos, not this stupid shit.

  43. This article made me moist

  44. Russel Wilson

    July 29, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Thank you for doing business with Stain-B-Gone Dry Cleaning service.

  45. Nick Foles

    July 29, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Don’t worry I went through the same thing when I lost to facescar in the wild card game

  46. Raffi

    July 29, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Sometimes when I shit, I cum!!!

  47. tbag

    July 29, 2014 at 9:28 am

    ptst = post traumatic season disorder. tom brady has been in a support group for the same condition since the 2007-08 season

  48. Ben Roethlisberger

    July 29, 2014 at 6:53 am

    IT’S FUNNY CUZ 43.08 IS REFLECTIVE OF THIS YEAR’S SUPER BOWL SCORE IN WHICH THE BRONCOS LOST THE SEAHAWKS, YOU SEE

  49. Xodiac

    July 29, 2014 at 4:50 am

    I’d go on a rampage, too, if I had a $43.08 bill for dry cleaning. What had he sent in to be cleaned, anyway, his wedding dress?

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