Dolphins Vow To Investigate Charges Of Players Bullying Enormous Pussy

By
Updated: November 1, 2013

MIAMI – OT Jonathan Martin, who stormed out of Dolphins headquarters on Monday after allegedly being teased and ridiculed by teammates, remained absent from the squad as of Friday afternoon, and the Miami front office has vowed to “thoroughly investigate and appropriately deal with any of our players who may have bullied this enormous pussy.”

MIAMI DOLPHINS OT JONATHAN MARTIN

 

“We’re aware that Jonathan has been feeling picked on lately, and that those tauntings may have contributed to his running away from the team like a little bitch,” confirmed coach Joe Philbin. “We take allegations of bullying very seriously, and I personally intend to get to the bottom of whatever it is exactly that got Jonathan’s panties so ruffled.”

 

“Is the wittle baby gonna cry? Does he wanna run home to his Ma-ma?” added Philbin. “Well then, of course, we will support him while he does that.”

 

Martin, 24, has reportedly been the victim of season-long mocking by his teammates, which came to a head during a Monday lunch at the Dolphins training center in Davie, FL. The second year player abruptly left the team at that time, and has steadfastly refused to rejoin the squad, even missing Thursday night’s 22-20 victory over the Cincinnati Bengals in the process.

 

“Our policy is to create a safe and comfortable work environment for everyone, whether they be a tough, rugged individual like the other 52 members of our team, or a weak-kneed, wussy little gash like Jonathan,” said Philbin. “When he feels safe rejoining us, I’ll call a team meeting to bring him up to the front of the room where I will make it clear to to the rest of our players that Jonathan is a sensitive, delicate little flower who under no circumstances should be teased, ridiculed, taunted, wet-willied, toilet-swirlied, towel-snapped, underwear-wedgied, or head-noogied during the half hour or so each day that the coaching staff will be monitoring their behavior. That should take care of the bullying problem around here.”

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63 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    January 6, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Only a politically correct idiot thinks a 350lb full grown man (allegedly) can get “bullied” by mean words. As an NFL lineman, his JOB is to shove people around. He got paid millions for it. If he was a figure skater I might feel differently, but when a giant of a man runs and cries, it’s because a screw is loose. Anything else is just the media doing it’s job of castrating the American public, which I might add they are doing a good job of, judging by the comments I’ve seen here. GROW A PAIR!

  2. Anonymous

    December 20, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Idk. Bullying is a serious issue and if they were strait up making fun of that, then i’d be offended. But idk, something tells me that either 1) they were actually making fun of the people who tell him to man up, or 2) not making fun of either side, and the humor was supposed to be in the way Philbin makes an official statement so unprofessionally. I feel like if they were going to make fun of Martin, they’d go directly at HIM by making the article about him or another player leaving in a similar fashion, but because of something extremely trivial (getting a kick me sign, or just common rookie hazing), like make a direct, obvious parody of what he did. And personally, I’m on the fence about the issue in general.

  3. ManDarino

    November 6, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    I stand by my initial statement. I hope Martin’s career is over. Incognito is a bit crazy, but so are a lot of NFL guys. Ever been in a football locker room? There’s a lot of breaking balls that goes on. Would Incognito go completely nutballs and rape this guy’s mother and kill him? Yes. Of course he would. Because that’s what the media wants you to think. Martin is a big pussy who is a terrible player, couldn’t hang, and his idea of revenge was recording all this crap and going to the NFL. What a team player. Assclown. I hope he gets traded to Cleveland and rots there with everyone else.

  4. Anonymous

    November 6, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    This story is not showing anymore in the home page, good. But PFM should go a step further and remove this article, given the revelations that have surfaced about this story in the past few days. Parody and satire is all good, but this article was written when the allegations were first coming out. Now with more damning information coming out, it’s time to quietly delete this page. No need for apology, let’s just have it as if this article never existed.

  5. Kathy Ross

    November 6, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    I would have found it more funny if the story was about Incognito and his denying he has any issues that need to be addressed. I mean, don’t all NFL players send texts to their teammates threatening to sh_ _ in their mouth, slap their REAL mothers, kill them and call them all kinds of racial words? Then he states that he wants his good named cleared! That is all kinds of crazy to work with!

  6. Kennis Martin

    November 6, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    It’s funny. Enough said. I’ve never seen such a bunch of crybabies. Get over it. If he had problems big enough that his teammates calling him names and pulling pranks on him triggered it, that’s on him, not on them.

    Stop crying, stop being politically correct douches and enjoy some satire from a site that is meant to demean and offend people for laughs.

    Jeeze.

  7. DirectorRick

    November 6, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Meeting in the Miami Dolphins Head Coach office…

    Philbin: Trade Martin? Yes I’m sure you’re right. I’m sure that’s the thing to do. Wait, I’ve got a better idea. Let’s trade the whole team. On second thought- let’s shut down the entire franchise! [Turns to offensive line coach Jim Turner] Jim, tell those boys to stop practicing. They’re packing their bags. [calling out to his assistant] Tom?
    Tom: [Enters the office] Sir?
    Philbin: Get me the Commissioner on the phone. We’re forfeiting this season.
    Tom: Yes, sir.
    Philbin: Wait a minute, Tom. Don’t get the Commissioner yet. Maybe we should consider this for a second. Dismissed, Tom.
    Tom: Yes, sir.
    Philbin: I’m just spit-balling here but maybe it’s our responsibility to train Martin? Maybe we have a responsibility to fans of this franchise to see that those who wear the logo are trained professionals. I think I read that somewhere once. And I’m thinking, the idea of transferring Martin, while expeditious and painless, might not be quite the American way? Martin stays where he is. We’re going to train the lad. Richie, you’re in charge. If Martin lets even one sack over his position in the next game, I’m going to blame you. And then I’ll kill you.

    (Written by me, with apologies as usual to Sorkin)

  8. Anonymous

    November 5, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Martin is not a pussy. He had the stones to jeopardize his NFL career by walking away from an extremely toxic professional environment that went far beyond normal hazing. There is no way a young player could have effectively stood up to an established veteran who we now know is a mentally unstable racist psychopath with a long history of dishing out abuse. I don’t even want to comprehend the mindset of someone who defends a roid-raging asshole like Incognito and calls Martin weak. Crawl back under your rock and stay there until you become a respectable human being.

  9. ManDarino

    November 5, 2013 at 9:04 am

    I’m a Dolphins fan. Martin is a pussy. Not to mention a horrible player. As if NFL players are choir boys in the locker room.

  10. Big D

    November 4, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Very funny. Kind of surprised that there are this many people with something derogatory to say about this fictitious article. I feel sorry for the people that don’t get this.

  11. Anonymous

    November 4, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Oh yes! It’s the typically classic “Oh, I wanna be funny like the Onion but I don’t really understand this thing about talent and how I don’t have any.”

  12. Darb

    November 4, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    I’m guessing most of the people here whining about Martin’s vagina being hurt never played football.

    Any time there’s a group of guys hanging out, they’re insulting each other. It’s what we do. It’s what we’ve always done. If you’re not tough enough to handle it, give up your man card and prance around in a frilly pink dress.

  13. Jarhead

    November 4, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Wow. A grown man claiming “bullying”? Really? And then all of the comments defending him on here…really? As a grown man, if he had an issue with his teammate being a douche to him, he could have gone out to the parking lot and handled his business with the guy. Instead, he threw a tantrum and walked out of practice? As a combat vet, I will say that this guy is a world-class pussy. I got hazed like crazy in the Marine Corps…and I didn’t go home to my mommy. Some guys don’t belong in combat or on a male football team. Good news though…I hear there are a few openings on the cheerleading squad.

  14. g

    November 4, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Is that guy up there really comparing bullying to the fucking holocaust and 9/11. This is a football website. If you wanna be little girls go on a soccer website or something.

  15. margew55

    November 4, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Those of you who are too sensitive to read the kind of material you will ALWAYS find on this site, need to stop coming here to read the articles.

  16. AllTeam (@AllTeam)

    November 4, 2013 at 10:01 am

    http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/9926139/richie-incognito-miami-dolphins-used-slurs-messages-jonathan-martin&ex_cid=sportscenter

    Please do your research before saying things are whiny or wimpy, whether you are a commenter or writer of this article. There is alot more going on than just name calling. I know several here on these comments have no issue with it. So realize that there is more than just some hazing or name calling.

  17. Anonymous

    November 4, 2013 at 8:44 am

    LOL – funny he is a whiney little wimp. And sorry everyone gets bullied some part in their life. If you kill yourself overit its nature getting rid of the weak. GROW a pair!

  18. Cougarpr

    November 3, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Get real people lol. This is a grown man. Not a HS kid. Adults getting bullied lol?? Now I have heard it all. Grow the hell up. If an “adult idiot” is teasing you be enough of a grown up yourself to know sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you. I mean what the hell is this weak country becoming. There is NO such thing as bullying amoungst grown adults. Just a bunch a serious insecure cry babies that should shut the shades to their homes; most likely their parents homes, and stay inside so nothing scarey or bad ever happens to them. This article is juvenile yes but it’s spot on for the most part.

  19. Will

    November 3, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Not sure what is the most shocking: the fact that an NFL player goes home because teammates hurt his feelings, or the number of little bitches who complained about this article

  20. Anonymous

    November 3, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Man yall some bitches!!!!

  21. Chris

    November 2, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Yeah not really feeling this article. Not that funny

  22. AnonS

    November 2, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    This just isn’t funny. And people who get off on calling people pussies on the internet have tiny penises in real life.

    There’s a reason why people are nicer when everyone owns a gun or there isn’t a police state involved to protect instigators: it’s because real tough guys never start shit but will always finish it. And the people that like to talk crap, in my life I’ve learned, not a one is actually tough.

  23. Kyle Bell

    November 2, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    We all understand it is a satire site. None of us know the details. I think that walking away from your livelihood and further alienating yourself from your team takes a little more courage than most people realize. I have to believe that there are some underlying issues and that he is not just being thin skinned. To him it is very real. I would rather a dude walk away from a stressful situation and get some kind of help or outside assistance rather than have to read a headline like this again (and have to endure another Bob Costas morality lesson).

    http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/01/sport/football/nfl-chiefs-shooting/

    On field performance is fair game, locker room dynamics probably need a (better) judgement call, off the field personal problems (or organizational problems that overlap into personal problems) should be out of bounds. I come to this site to laugh, not to debate people on what is funny and what is not funny, or to try to make a point with an extreme example (I admit, it is probably over the top). But sometimes these stories have a really sick and sad ending. He reached some type of limit and did what he thought was right. Not necessarily the characteristics of a pussy.

  24. Ryan

    November 2, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Seriously, CJ? You’re comparing a “bullied” NFL player to a rape victim? Not to mention the irony of calling someone else a “keyboard warrior” while making an anonymous post on the internet trying to seem tough.

    The moronic comments on this site have just hit a new low. Please exit PFM so that we can go back to enjoying these terribly offensive posts in peace.

  25. Anonymous

    November 2, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    The story I heard was that his teammates invited him to sit down with them during lunch, then they got up and walked away. Now he needs therapy or some shit.

    I’m all for putting an end to bullying, but this to me sounds like it was nothing. Therefore, he is in fact an enormous pussy.

  26. Jonathan Martin

    November 2, 2013 at 11:27 am

    They made fun of me! WHY?!?! MOM!!! PFM made fun of me and called me a pussy!!!

  27. Anonymous

    November 2, 2013 at 11:16 am

    I just didnt find it funny. There is way worse stuff on the internet though.

  28. Anonymous

    November 2, 2013 at 8:58 am

    This is not out of line in any way what so ever

  29. CJ

    November 2, 2013 at 7:56 am

    This is out of line in so many ways, it’s hard to imagine the thought process that, not only allowed the clueless “author” to write this but for the site to go forward with posting it is so far outside the bounds of taste and humor that it’s almost criminal. There is zero upside – or humor – in making fun of someone who’s suffered the kind of indignity that comes with bullying so I fail to see how anyone could even begin to find this garbage even remotely funny.

    I would love to spend just a couple of minutes in a cage with the keyboard warrior who wrote this, and the classless a-hole who allowed it to be posted (assuming it’s two, separate people), then we can see who the real “pussy” in this case is.

    Bottom line: Making fun of the victim of bullying isn’t a far cry from making fun of a rape victim.

  30. Ian

    November 2, 2013 at 7:38 am

    This article is tasteless considering that its mocking a guy who has evidently has serious issues which prevent him from doing what he loves.

    As for the “anonymous guy” whos going around calling everyone a vagina, needs a tampon, etc, you’re making a bigger deal out of this then the ones who are saying this article is out of line. Just because you visit this site doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to find any of this crap funny. And I know you wouldn’t go up and call anyone a vagina in real life. So if anything, you’re the biggest pussy here

  31. bobman2

    November 2, 2013 at 2:59 am

    I don’t think the Martin situation is funny (peculiar, yes, funny, no) but I DO think this article was a riot. It’s a classic of tasteless humor–find something sensitive and go so over-the-top that the article is completely divorced from the reality. Paralleling this to the WTC attacks or Holocaust is insane. If you complain about that, why not complain about the flagrant sexism when all the faux QBs rag on each other for having a pulled muscle in his uterus, etc. Coming here is a guilty pleasure BECAUSE most of it is over-the-line.

    It’s a little like going to a horror movie–do you really want actual people to be beheaded or mutilated or zombified? Hell no. But it’s entertaining and a cathartic release to see it on a big screen. Funny even. If the coaches and team REALLY said this shit, I’d be outraged. But this site is for the guilty pleasure of tasteless humor. Long let it reign.

    Some perspective, please.

  32. Geoff Houtman

    November 2, 2013 at 2:53 am

    The word “labiaplasty” should have been in there?

  33. Anonymous

    November 2, 2013 at 1:29 am

    Save the left wing bullshit. A bitch is a bitch. And that’s real! #sensitive

  34. Alex Giobbi

    November 1, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    I get that this is a satire site, and ordinarily I’m a fan of satire and pull for accountability and manning up, but from what I heard, Martin went through some seriously bad shit in Miami. Laugh, but what if he snapped and killed someone? The issue would go from bullying to violence and we’d have to hear all the PC white liberals like Costas and co. Lecture us again. So yeah, not a great form of satire.

  35. Ryan

    November 1, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    No one here doubts that bullying is a serious issue in our society. But PFM is not a forum to discuss those issues…it’s a satirical site meant for entertainment. If you aren’t entertained, and want to complain about the articles, I’m sure that CNBC or the Washington Post has room in their forums. THIS is the article that crossed the line!? Seriously, have you people read some of the other articles on here?! Take your soapboxes somewhere else.

  36. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    I have to say, this wasn’t funny. Oh well, some are studs, some are duds, win some, lose some. At least PFM didn’t have their worst outing of the season in SuperBowl XLII.

  37. Seth

    November 1, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Why do people care if it’s posted under Anonymous or not, if I really cared what a bunch of strangers on the internet think about me, I would just create an account called “Steelerfan4lyfe” and start saying stupid shit like “bullying is da best dis guy is fagyt”
    Of course bullying is a serious issue, but this guy is a professional athlete, he should be able to handle this kinda stuff. I’ve never heard of a team bullying their own guy though, I have a feeling he was just over-reacting to some good natured teasing

  38. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    He was a pussy for leaving his team. He’s a grown god damn man he isn’t bullied at all he got pai and now he’s leaving. It’s just his excuse.

  39. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Haha this one is awesome. Glad to see some people gettin butthurt. Pfm is doin a great job as usual

  40. Bob

    November 1, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Some people really can’t take a fucking joke. The butthurt is strong here.

  41. Hooks Johnston

    November 1, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    NOT ok. only way PFM makes up for this is to apologize. nothing else will suffice in my opinion. and to everyone else telling him to man up, he clearly tried. do you think he would walk out of a job that has a large salary easily? Also, it is because of people like you guys who think that way that bullies get away with this stuff and then the kids kill themselves and everyone is so “surprised” even though it was everyone around them who area are at fault for the suicide. The difference about the Native Americans and this article is that this article talks about a subject that is really sensitive and people die because of this subject daily. I understand it is a joke but there is a line PFM. Please admit your mistake and issue an apology.

  42. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    I find it interesting that most of the comments are “anonymous”…talk about being “pussies”. Apparently the powers that be in Miami need to install a tampon dispenser in the locker room…really??? Are we talking about NFL players…

  43. Waaaaahhhhhh

    November 1, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Wow, some of the comments on here really show the extreme “pussification” of America. This country is full of crybabies and people who want to talk about their feelings all the time. Man up, wussies! This article made me laugh out loud.

  44. Bocaj0828

    November 1, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    I hope this guy knows that no matter what he does in the league from now on he’s gonna be remembered as the giant vagina who was the first major sport athlete to cry about bullying.

  45. Football Lover

    November 1, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    ….7 of the comments 10 posted claiming foul to this PFM listed their names.
    Only 1 out of 7 claiming this was funny, posted their names. Everyone else chose to remain anonymous. I believe this speaks for itself.

  46. Football Lover

    November 1, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    I usually think many PFM’s are funny. However, Those of you that think this is funny, …God don’t like ugly.
    And through experience I have learned when we are ugly – somehow in life we become acutely aware of the pain we inflicted on another – through our own life experiences. Just sayin. Better Days ahead PFM.

  47. George Cottell

    November 1, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Lots of anonymous pussy up in this bitch…

  48. Paul D

    November 1, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I didn’t like this; mental illness is a serious and wide-ranging issue that can be triggered by all manner of things. Whether his team-mates’ behaviour contributed to it (if indeed some sort of illness has been triggered) I don’t know but it certainly isn’t a laughing matter – definitely given how many former players have gone as far as to take their own lives.

  49. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    Next up on PFM, why the Jews should man up about the Holocaust, followed by an article on the WTC bombings being blown out of proportion.

  50. Seth

    November 1, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    PFM, you can make fun of Native Americans, drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence, but once you start making fun of bullying that’s just crossing the line!

  51. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Wow. There’s an awful lot of vagina bearers on this comment board.

  52. Deacon

    November 1, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Sorry the douchebags are the ones of you that think this Jonathan Martin is funny. Guys like this catch bullets everyday so you can speak your mind and your mind is twisted and the work environment is breaking the law. Philbin should have been fired upon the first thing he said (if in fact he had) and the NFL needs to move in on management if it does not happen.

  53. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Bullying is a huge problem in this country. People kill themselves over it. It does not belong anywhere, including professional sports.

  54. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Yeah. His tampon got stuck up his vagina, give the guy a break

  55. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Love your site, but you crossed the line this time. This guy has obviously been through a lot.

  56. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Retarded n not because they are making fun of him either. This is just dumb.

  57. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    I don’t even give a shit about the game and that was hilarious

  58. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    ^^that guy is having flasbacks^^
    I thought it was hilarious!

  59. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Ha! I was waiting for something on this! Good job!

  60. JayEmm

    November 1, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Seriously? You don’t think this is funny? God, more whiny wusses on PFM…I suggest you go change your tampons or something. Wow.

  61. alexgiobbi

    November 1, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Yeah, not funny in the slightest. Actually kind of cruel.

  62. Matt

    November 1, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Tasteless and kinda douchebaggy

  63. Michael Needham

    November 1, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Oddly enough, I don’t find this funny.

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