Dieting Rex Ryan Uses A Bunch Of Food Metaphors During Post Game Press Conference
After watching his Jets drop to 2-3 by losing to the visiting Houston Texans 23-17, recently slimmed down New York head coach Rex Ryan used numerous food metaphors in his post game press conference late Monday evening.
“We, um, really laid an egg out there today,” said Ryan, who has shed over a hundred pounds through a strict diet of healthy food choices and significantly smaller portions. “We’d hoped to come out and play hungry, earn our bread, and really lay the hot sauce to ‘em. But unfortunately we got pounded into burger. Hot, juicy, sizzling burger.”
The Texans improved to an AFC best 5-0 with a ferocious defensive front seven, led by second year DE J.J. Watt, that sacked QB Mark Sanchez three times and limited New York to just 69 yards rushing.
“I tell you, they really have some beef on that line of theirs,” Ryan said while drumming hs fingers nervously and occasionally licking his lips. “Genuine grade A prime cuts. I thought this game was gonna be easy as pie for us. A real piece of cake. Like taking candy from a baby. Instead, they came out there and sliced and diced us. Cooked our goose. The whole enchilada.”
Although disappointed with the loss, Ryan said he is hopeful that his team can rebound this Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts.
“Yeah, we intend to deep-fry Indy on Sunday. Getting back into the win column will be sweet as honey. And the cherry on top will be knowing that we’re beating a conference rival. Yep, that’s pure gravy. I think we’ll make mincemeat out of… those…” at whcih point Ryan trailed off while staring fixedly at a reporter in the third row eating a Three Musketeers bar.
- Teddy Bridgewater Has That “Texans Starting QB” Nightmare Again
- Gary Kubiak Sadly Packs Up “World’s Best Coach” Cup Wife Gave Him For Christmas Last Year
- Guy Who Owns Paper Bag Company Demands Texans Give Gary Kubiak Contract Extension
- ALTERNATE UNIVERSE UPDATE: Geno Smith Leads NFL in Pro Bowl Voting