Denver Broncos Mathematically Eliminated From Playoffs

By
Updated: February 3, 2014

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – After Super Bowl XLVIII ended in a final score of 43-8 in favor of the Seattle Seahawks, Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos have now officially been mathematically eliminated from the NFL playoffs, according to a scientific study released earlier today.

DENVER BRONCO PEYTON MANNING AFTER LOSING SUPER BOWL TO SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

 

“My team and I have crunched the data of the Super Bowl results more than a dozen times,” said Dr. Hugo Bradenberg of the University of California-Berkeley’s Advanced Statistical Analysis Program. “Using the fundamental mathematical principles of ‘more than’ (>) and ‘less than’ (<), we’ve examined the final score several times, and run it through our computerized Playoff Advancement Simulation Program to thoroughly examine all possible scenarios. In every instance, the result has been the same. ’43’ is greater than ‘8.’ Taking into consideration an error margin of plus or minus zero, I can state with confidence that the Broncos have been mathematically eliminated from any further post-season play.”

 

Added Bradenberg, “The numbers don’t lie.”

 

Broncos coach John Fox said he was disappointed in the study’s findings, but held out hope that Denver may yet move further in the playoffs.

 

“Look, those University eggheads can spout off with all the high-falutin’ book learning they want,” said Fox. “The bottom line is, football games aren’t decided on paper. No computer calculation’s gonna tell us that our season is over. We’re just gonna show up at the White House in a few weeks, knock on the door, and demand that President Obama come out and congratulate us as world champions. They can’t deny us that right.”

 

“And I don’t want anyone trying to keep us out us by quoting some stupid math formula that says  ’43 is greater than 8,’ or whatever,” concluded Fox. “This is football, you Poindexters, not algebra class.”

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36 Comments

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  2. Bruce Springsteen

    April 7, 2014 at 8:45 am

    You tell em boss.

  3. Bob Seger

    March 18, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    You know what? Fuck this, the music at the most recent halftime shows have been crap, Let me show you idiots how music’s done!

  4. Tom Brady

    March 10, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    I’m sure I can give you better talented kids.

  5. Olivia Manning

    February 3, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Archie, you worthless piece of orangutan feces. Why couldn’t you give me a son with some athletic ability? Or better yet a daughter!

  6. robertweinberg1993

    February 3, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Well both Luck vs Brady meetings happened at Gillette Stadium. And the fact that Brady hasn’t won at Lucas Oil Stadium is cool too. Plus Brady isn’t the GOAT. I think Montana is the GOAT

  7. Anonymous

    February 3, 2014 at 11:08 am

    But he has not beaten the greatest of all time, Brady.

  8. Anonymous

    February 3, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Andrew Luck is 1-0 against Manning and Wilson so he would have been excited regardless of who won.

  9. robertweinberg1993

    February 3, 2014 at 9:34 am

    @Anonymous Except for Luck who he has not beaten yet. 😉

  10. Chrth

    February 3, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Actually, that’s why it’s not funny.

  11. Anonymous

    February 3, 2014 at 9:14 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE ALL THE COMMENTS LOOK LIKE QB CONVOS ON FACEBOOK YOU SEE …

  12. Marshawn Lynch

    February 3, 2014 at 8:30 am

    BEAST MODE NO LISTEN TO PUNY BIG FOREHEADED QB. BEAST MODE RUN OVER PUNY BRONCOS DEFENSE WORSE LIKE THEY WERE JAY CUTLER MOTHER.

  13. Peyton Manning

    February 3, 2014 at 8:28 am

    Lynch, you realize that you only had 2.6 yards per carry? I could have fallen forward every play a little past the line of scrimmage and had more yards per carry than that.

  14. Marshawn Lynch

    February 3, 2014 at 8:26 am

    BEAST MODE NO NEED TO TALK TO MEDIA. BEAST MODE TAKE MEDIA DAY TO COLLECT THOUGHTS. BEAST MODE THEN RUN ALL OVER PUNY BRONCOS DEFENSE WHILE PUNY PEYTON MANNING SIT ON SIDELINE IN SADNESS. BEAST MODE HAPPY TO BRING LOMBARDI TO SEATTLE.

  15. Cygnia

    February 3, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Cooper is gonna have a field day on his brothers.

    And BEAST MODE can tell off those so-called “journalists”.

  16. Ben Roethlisberger

    February 3, 2014 at 8:21 am

    THIS ARTICLE IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE BRONCOS LOST THE SUPER BOWL

  17. Peyton Manning

    February 3, 2014 at 8:17 am

    NOO!! THIS CAN’T HAPPEN!!! PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING DOES NOT LOSE SUPER BOWLS, ESPECIALLY TO SOME NOODLEARMED PIPSQUEAK NAMED RUSSELL WILSON!!

  18. ACW

    February 3, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Chrth, that’d be hilarious.

  19. Chrth

    February 3, 2014 at 7:48 am

    I want to see a reversal here. Something along the lines of:

    Wilson: I don’t know what would have made this win more memorable
    Rodgers: Super Bowl MVP
    Wilson: Rodgers, I will etc.

  20. toadofsteel

    February 3, 2014 at 7:13 am

    Only good music of the night was Renee Fleming…

  21. Ben Roethlisberger

    February 3, 2014 at 12:41 am

    BECAUSE THE RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS SUCK AT MAKING MUSIC YOU SEE?

  22. Russell Wilson

    February 3, 2014 at 12:40 am

    Nope they sucked too.

  23. Anonymous

    February 3, 2014 at 12:02 am

    I really hope the Red Hot Chili Peppers cameo in the QB Facebook chat. They were the only thing that didn’t suck the whole night.

    Also… I’m waiting for the Manning family fight where Eli says he has two rings.

  24. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    QB Convo this week is going to be epic!

    On the side, this year’s SuperBowl had to be the most boring one I’ve ever seen. Even the ProBowl was far more entertaining than this.

  25. toadofsteel

    February 2, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Let’s see, that would be Cam Newton, Colin Kaepernick, Bradford, Glennon, Matt Ryan, Brees, and Eli. Not to mention whoever was QB’ing the jaguars, texans, titans, and Vikings, but nobody cares about those.

    What I think will happen though, is that at the end Luck, in his usual brown-nosing fashion will say “Congratulations on your victory Mr. Wilson, you’ve worked hard and deserve all the accolades” and WIlson will flip his shit. BECAUSE THE COLTS BEAT THE SEAHAWKS YOU SEE #Ben

  26. Celly C

    February 2, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    I CANNOT WAIT for the QB talk this week

  27. Poor Manning!

    February 2, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Agreed; Russell Wilson needs to have more lines tomorrow, and he should troll each QB he’s won against, one after another.

  28. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Oh this is gonna be hilarious haha

  29. Aaron Rodgers

    February 2, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    I WILL DIP YOU IN SILVER, ATTACH A FOOTBALL TO YOUR HEAD AND TURN YOU INTO MY OWN PERSONAL LOMBARDI TROPHY WILSON!

  30. Archie Manning

    February 2, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    Son, I am disappoint. Eli, you are one elevated to Favorite Son Status.

  31. Seattle Muse

    February 2, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    If you divide 43 by 0, then you get zero..and Broncos win based on new mathematical models.

  32. Russell Wilson

    February 2, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    Because I don’t choke spectacularly in big games?

  33. Aaron Rodgers

    February 2, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    NOOO!!! THERE IS NO WAY THAT LITTLE PIPSQUEAK CAN WIN A SUPER BOWL!!! WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!

  34. a fan

    February 2, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    I think you dug yourseelf in really deep with all the Russel Wislon expectations…

  35. nemo

    February 2, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Russell Wilson better start the convo tomorrow!

  36. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    I can’t wait for tomorrow, Russell Wilson must troll all other 31 QBs in one line lol

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