Denver Broncos Blame Fax Machine For Von Miller Suspension

"We should really get rid of that thing," says GM John Elway

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Updated: July 23, 2013
Miller: "I did nothing wrong. Not by Amsterdam laws, anyway."

Miller: “I did nothing wrong. Not by Amsterdam laws, anyway.”

ENGLEWOOD, CO – As Denver Broncos LB Von Miller awaits word from the NFL front office on a possible four-game suspension for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, team GM John Elway announced early Tuesday that a faulty fax machine was the true culprit for the defensive star’s positive result on a recent PED test.

 

“Turns out, the fax machine in our front office has been secretly sending Von some pretty corrupting messages,” Elway told reporters. “Encouraging him to take amphetamines, smoke marijuana. Things like that. And this is in addition to the fact that the stupid piece of junk malfunctioned last April, and caused us to lose Elvis Dumervil to the Ravens.”

 

Added Elway, “We should really just get rid of that thing.”

 

According to sources, one recent incoming fax addressed to Miller read, “Psst. Hey Von. You wanna smoke some weed? C’mon, all the cool players are doing it. You don’t wanna get laughed at, do you?”

 

Another fax simply read, “What are you chicken? Bawk-bawk-bawwwwk!”

Added the fax machine: "Also, getting rid of Tebow was a bad idea. You guys should trade your next five first round picks to get him back."

Added the fax machine: “Also, getting rid of Tebow was a bad idea. You guys should trade your next five first round picks to get him back.”

 

The machine, a Brother model T-104, was purchased by the team in early February from a “Native American Burial Ground” office equipment surplus store at a nearby strip mall.

 

“It’s where we get all our stuff,” explained Elway. “The prices are fantastic, though the merchandise tends to be sort of on the creepy side. Some of our recent purchases have included a haunted coffee maker, an evil photocopier, and a three-hole punch that I swear tried to murder me once.”

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