Dan Snyder Haunted By Visions Of Lost Draft Picks Past, Present, And Future

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Updated: December 5, 2014

WASHINGTON – Redskins owner Dan Snyder, whose team recently benched QB Robert Griffin III, and who now faces a difficult decision regarding whether to release or trade the former star during the coming offseason, was repeatedly haunted during a recent restless night by visions of lost draft picks past, present, and future, according to sources close to the Snyder household.

DAN SNYDER AS SCROOGE

 

“Daniel Snyderrrrrr,” began the first preternatural apparition, waking the horrified Snyder from a deep slumber. “I am the Ghost of Draft Picks Past. Look deep into my face, and see the images of QB Russell Wilson, LB Luke Kuechly, and RB Eddie Lacy! Moan in anguish as you realize they could all be starting for your team right now, had you kept your first and second round draft picks in 2012 and the first rounder in 2013 that you instead paid as part of a king’s ransom for a QB who was not only injury prone, but about whom there existed questions as to whether or not he could fully grasp a pro-style offense.”

 

As Snyder whimpered in agony over the realization that he could have made millions of dollars selling jerseys for the trio of stars his team failed to select, he was encountered by a second terrifying spirit.

 

“Daniel Snyderrrr. I am the Ghost Of Draft Picks Present. Gaze upon my face and see the visage of Odell Beckham Jr., and know that he could be making amazing one-handed touchdown cacthes while wearing burgundy and gold right now, if only your team had chosen him in this year’s draft with the second overall selection instead of giving it away for a player who you will likely be releasing this coming offseason.”

 

As Snyder wails grew louder, a final specter revealed itself.

 

“Daniel Snyderrr. I am the Ghost of Draft Picks Future. Look into my crystal ball, and witness in horror as Bruce Allen trades your 2015 first, second, and fifth round picks to Cleveland in exchange for Brian Hoyer. MWAHAHAHAHA,”

 

“Oh Spirit, tell me this,” cried the miserable Snyder. “Are these the shadows of things that MUST be, or merely of things that MIGHT be?”

 

“No, it’s definitely happening,” laughed the Future ghost. “After the Jets and Bills trade up to #1 and 2 in next year’s draft to select Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston, you get left holding your dick at #3, and have to go crawling to Cleveland, of all teams. to beg for one of their surplus quarterbacks. HAHAHAHA.”

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10 Comments

  1. PackerMatt

    December 7, 2014 at 1:32 am

    I hate to be “that” guy, but the Bills don’t have a first round pick next year, so it’d be pretty much impossible for them to trade up to #2 overall. Rams, Texans, Titans and Tampa Bay would all make sense there.

  2. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 5, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE DAN SNYDER GAVE UP A LOT OF DRAFT PICKS FOR RGIII.

  3. AnonyMOOSE

    December 5, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    The best thing that could happen to the Redskins right now is for Snyder to sell the team.

    • Jim in NYC

      December 11, 2014 at 11:40 am

      I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: Snyder reminds me of nothing so much as the kid who got one wedgie too many in middle school.

  4. ACW

    December 5, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    As a WAS fan, this makes me :(

    • MOIST

      December 6, 2014 at 2:31 pm

      Funny, it made me MOIST!

      • mister83e

        December 7, 2014 at 12:03 am

        yeah no one cares jackass. take your trolling somewhere else.

        • Some creepy guy

          December 7, 2014 at 9:07 pm

          Moist is really fun you don’t get to talk to moist that way now I need to take my pills, Also greet the kid I have in my attic.

          • Kid in attic

            December 7, 2014 at 9:09 pm

            Help Me!!!!!!!

            • Some creepy guy

              December 7, 2014 at 9:10 pm

              Be quiet up there

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