Dallas Cowboys To Begin Phasing Out Football Side of Operations

"It's the least successful part of our corporation," says CEO Jerry Jones

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Updated: September 4, 2013

ARLINGTON, TX – Jerry Jones, owner and CEO of Dallas Cowboys Inc., announced today that the company would begin phasing out the football side of their operation effective immediately.

Jones: "We'll still be selling season tickets, though. I'm not giving up that cash cow."

Jones: “We’ll still be selling season tickets, though. I’m not giving up that cash cow.”

 

“This was a decision based purely on cost/profit ratios,” said Jones from behind his desk at the company’s Valley Ranch business headquarters. “The Dallas Cowboys Corporation has enjoyed tremendous success over the years with merchandise sales, television revenue, stadium tours, and a number of other synergistic revenue opportunities. Only our football division continues to underperform, yet that branch of the company is actually our most expensive in terms of operating costs.”

 

The transition commenced early this morning as maintenance personnel dismantled and removed all training equipment, lockers, goal posts, and other sporting-related materials from the property formerly known as AT&T/Cowboys Stadium. In its place, a new structure, tentatively titled “‘Boys, Balls, and Beyond,” will re-open later this year as a discount shopping plaza for a multitude of Cowboys-themed paraphernalia.

 

“We’re turning the stadium into the world’s largest department store,” beamed Jones. “We’ll have a wide assortment of Dallas Cowboy T-shirts, hats, sweatpants, hoodies, and so on. Not to mention Dallas Cowboys kitchen and bathroom appliances, outdoor pool and patio decorations, a wide variety of automotive products, etc. You name it, we’ll slap a star logo on it for you. By eliminating the costly and time-consuming football side of our business, we can focus exclusively on marketing top quality Cowboys merchandise to all our fans.”

He dropped this call three times.

He dropped this call three times.

 

The move saves the Cowboys hundreds of millions of dollars immediately, as dozens of high priced football specialists were either laid off, or reassigned to newer positions such as valet, janitor, and receptionist.

 

“Yes, several employees had to be transferred,” confirmed Jones. “But they’re making the most of it. DeMarcus Ware has proven to be an outstanding head of security, and Dez Bryant’s a natural as our community service director. Jason Garrett has struggled a little with the clock management duties that comes with being our new schedule supervisor, but I’m confident he’ll get the hang of it eventually.”

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12 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    December 9, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    I can’t hear you back in 1995

  2. JMAC Daddy

    September 9, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Hope all of you folks have 5 rings. My Cowboys do!

  3. Anonymous

    September 7, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Jerry should see this. It really could be the only true winning season

  4. MeDamnit

    September 6, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    I like to call them the Dallas Schedule Fillers

  5. slick3

    September 6, 2013 at 1:09 am

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

  6. cheese

    September 5, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Are there a lot of Eagles or Giants fans who write for PFM? It’s just that there’s an insane amount of Cowboys bashing articles. Don’t get me wrong, as a Giants fan I hate the Cowboys with a passion, but I think all this bashing has made them underrated, which is why I think they’ll win the Super Bowl this year

  7. RPM

    September 4, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    Real? On this site?BTW, have you ever considered buying a luxury oceanfront condo in Arizona at a fraction of market price?

  8. Anonymous

    September 4, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Sorry to agree with you, but in reality its not the Cowboys that are on their knees sucking, its you douche bag.

  9. Anonymous

    September 4, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Sorry to disagree with you. The Cowboys really do suck! That’s as real as it gets!

  10. Anonymous

    September 4, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    …nothing on this site is real.

  11. Joel Kamenoff

    September 4, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    this is not real.? or its confusing. makes no sense

  12. will

    September 4, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Does that mean the Giants did not beat the Cowboys week one?

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