Cold, Cruel Universe Refuses To Accept Tony Romo As Heroic Figure, Slips Disc In QB’s Back

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Updated: December 24, 2013

THE UNENDING EMPTINESS OF SPACE- After watching Dallas QB Tony Romo save the Cowboys season with an impressive 4th quarter drive that culminated in a dramatic TD pass to DeMarco Murray, the cold, unfeeling universe decided it was uncomfortable with Romo’s sudden heroic status, and immediately herniated a disc in the QB’s back, ending Romo’s season just as his team prepares for a win-or-go-home game this weekend against the Philadelphia Eagles without him.

COWBOYS - TONY ROMO BENT OVER back pain

 

“Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!” a dejected Romo asked the heavens above, shaking an angry fist skyward as his other hand clutched painfully at the injured lumbar disc of his lower back. “Do you know how much shit I’ve taken this year? How many names I’ve been called, how many jokes have been made at my expense, just because I’ve had a couple of late game miscues while trying to overcome my team’s complete lack of defense? And now, when I FINALLY produce a huge 4th quarter comeback to beat a divisional rival on the road and keep our playoff hopes alive, what does the universe do? SLIPS A DISC IN MY FUCKING BACK?! Well that’s just peachy. Clearly the universe hates me and refuses to allow me to be happy.”

 

“Yeah, that’s pretty accurate,” said the universe in response to Romo’s statements. “Frankly, the guy just bugs us. Something about that annoying, shit-eating grin of his, I guess. That’s why we had him drop that snap in Seattle back in ’07, and why we’ve orchestrated all those 4th quarter interceptions and other screwups for him over the years. So last Sunday, when we saw that Romo had just done something heroic and praiseworthy that might finally validate his career, we were like, ‘Oh hell no. We’re putting a stop to that crap right now.”

 

According to cosmic sources, the universe is not yet finished toying with Romo’s destiny.

 

“Oh he’ll be back next season, that’s for sure,” confirmed the universe. “In fact, we intend to let him earn Comeback Player of the Year honors as he throws for around 40 TDs and a 95 QB rating. Heck, we’ll even let him get all the way to the NFC Championship Game. And then, right when he’s running for the game-winning score with :03 seconds left on the clock and a trip to the Super Bowl hanging in the balance, WHOOPS, we’re going to make him trip over his own shoelaces at the 5 yard line so that he gets stopped half a foot short of victory. Why do we do all these cruel, heartless things to Tony Romo? Eh, shits and giggles I guess.”

 

15 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    December 24, 2013 at 1:04 am

    I don’t know if it’s that, or just the fact that it is physically painful, to the point of injury, for Tony Romo to actually perform in December.

  2. Dan Bridgland

    December 24, 2013 at 1:27 am

    It does kind of seem that the universe has it in for Romo. Crayton getting “blinded by the lights” & dropping that pass in the 2007 divisional playoff game against the Giants HAS to be another example of the cosmos deciding Romo must NOT have success in the post season. It grudgingly gave him that wild card win against the Eagles – only to allow him to get battered by the Vikes. :(

  3. alexgiobbi

    December 24, 2013 at 7:26 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE ROMO IS PERPETUALLY SCREWED!

  4. Anonymous

    December 24, 2013 at 7:47 am

    IT’S NOT FUNNY BECAUSE ROMO IS PERPETUALLY SCREWED!

  5. James

    December 24, 2013 at 7:53 am

    Shits and giggles when Romo’s in the middle gives makes my sides tickle. So what can I expect for a holiday treat, when his entire season ends in all but defeat? A flurry of penalties, picks, and game losing drives is all I want Santa, that’s no lie. But what did you give me instead, when it might seem as if the cowboys could pull ahead? The Grandest Romo fuck up of all! A herniated disk, that might not heal til next fall. Merry Christmas everyone!

  6. Wally

    December 24, 2013 at 9:01 am

    If it wasn’t for Jerrah, I’d kinda feel sorry for old Tony

  7. West

    December 24, 2013 at 9:36 am

    As soon as I read on ESPN this morning that he was having an epidural, I thought, “Oh, I wonder what Profootballmock has to say!”

  8. AnonS

    December 24, 2013 at 9:47 am

    I was hoping for an article where we find out Romo is faking the injury just so he can’t screw up and be ridiculed.

    Alternatively I was thinking it’d be funny if, while faking that injury, Kyle Orton came in and lead the Cowboys all the way to the SB, where they were in a close game with 3 minutes to go and then Romo comes in and screws it up. Yes I think about things like this and laugh.

  9. Dan Bridgland

    December 24, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Way too much time on your hands if you ^^ do that. Dreaming up scenarios that would give you cause to laugh at another’s misfortune, wow that’s lame.

  10. Anonymous

    December 24, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Dan Bridgland, what’s lame is you coming on a site full of satire and telling people they’re lame. The whole premise of articles like this is to poke fun and thrive on one’s misfortune. Perhaps you need to click on the Red X and never visit this site again.

  11. cheese

    December 24, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    This whole season, I’ve been saying it’s just not statistically possible for Romo to perform so well, but then immediately completely choke in the biggest moments. But this article makes it sound more plausible now

  12. Anonymous

    December 25, 2013 at 9:43 am

    When asked to comment on the Detroit Lions’ colossal collapse, the Universe simply replied, ” Dude, Bobby Layne was an amazing QB. What they did was not cool. They deserve this, man.”

  13. Anonymous

    December 25, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    Waiting for an alternate universe where Romo is clutch as fuck

  14. nemo

    December 26, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    You do know if Kyle Orton starts, that the Cowboys will win on a 78-yd Hail Mary on the final play; make the playoffs, win each playoff game 34-0 and beat The Broncos 45-3 in the Super Bowl all while Romo watches helplessly.

  15. Anonymous

    December 28, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    “Dan Bridgland, what’s lame is you coming on a site full of satire and telling people they’re lame.”

    Hi, Pot, this is Kettle…

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