Cold, Cruel Universe Refuses To Accept Tony Romo As Heroic Figure, Slips Disc In QB’s Back
THE UNENDING EMPTINESS OF SPACE- After watching Dallas QB Tony Romo save the Cowboys season with an impressive 4th quarter drive that culminated in a dramatic TD pass to DeMarco Murray, the cold, unfeeling universe decided it was uncomfortable with Romo’s sudden heroic status, and immediately herniated a disc in the QB’s back, ending Romo’s season just as his team prepares for a win-or-go-home game this weekend against the Philadelphia Eagles without him.
“Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!” a dejected Romo asked the heavens above, shaking an angry fist skyward as his other hand clutched painfully at the injured lumbar disc of his lower back. “Do you know how much shit I’ve taken this year? How many names I’ve been called, how many jokes have been made at my expense, just because I’ve had a couple of late game miscues while trying to overcome my team’s complete lack of defense? And now, when I FINALLY produce a huge 4th quarter comeback to beat a divisional rival on the road and keep our playoff hopes alive, what does the universe do? SLIPS A DISC IN MY FUCKING BACK?! Well that’s just peachy. Clearly the universe hates me and refuses to allow me to be happy.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty accurate,” said the universe in response to Romo’s statements. “Frankly, the guy just bugs us. Something about that annoying, shit-eating grin of his, I guess. That’s why we had him drop that snap in Seattle back in ’07, and why we’ve orchestrated all those 4th quarter interceptions and other screwups for him over the years. So last Sunday, when we saw that Romo had just done something heroic and praiseworthy that might finally validate his career, we were like, ‘Oh hell no. We’re putting a stop to that crap right now.”
According to cosmic sources, the universe is not yet finished toying with Romo’s destiny.
“Oh he’ll be back next season, that’s for sure,” confirmed the universe. “In fact, we intend to let him earn Comeback Player of the Year honors as he throws for around 40 TDs and a 95 QB rating. Heck, we’ll even let him get all the way to the NFC Championship Game. And then, right when he’s running for the game-winning score with :03 seconds left on the clock and a trip to the Super Bowl hanging in the balance, WHOOPS, we’re going to make him trip over his own shoelaces at the 5 yard line so that he gets stopped half a foot short of victory. Why do we do all these cruel, heartless things to Tony Romo? Eh, shits and giggles I guess.”