Clause In New Contract Stipulates That J.J. Watt Is Now Texans Starting QB

“We’re not paying that much money for just a DT,” says quarterback-needy Texans

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Updated: September 1, 2014

HOUSTON – Superstar defensive lineman J.J. Watt agreed in principle to a six-year, $99 million contract with the Texans late Monday night, a deal that not only includes $51 million worth of guaranteed cash for the two-time pro bowler, but also a clause stipulating that Watt will now move to the opposite side of the field, where he will become the new starting QB for the offensively-challenged team, effective immediately, sources confirmed early this morning.

 If last year is any indication, he may need to be the field goal kicker as well.

If last year is any indication, he may need to be the field goal kicker as well.

 

“We’re very happy to announce that J.J. will remain with us here in the Texans family for at least six more seasons,” said general manager Rick Smith at a press conference in team headquarters. “And we’re even happier to announce that we finally have that franchise QB we’ve been needing for what seems like forever. That’s killing two birds with a hundred million dollar stone, am I right?”

 

Asked to elaborate on the unusual move, Smith told reporters, “Look, sacks and fumbles and whatnot are nice, but I’m not about to pay anybody ninety-nine mill just to be a defensive tackling guy. We have JaDeveon Clowney, and his rookie base salary for that. No, for the kind of do-re-mi that we’re shelling out to Watt, I’m expecting touchdown passes, and a lot of them, beginning this week against the Redskins.”

 

“I have mixed feeling about this development,” said pro bowl WR Andre Johnson. “On the one hand, I’m insulted the Texans are wasting the final years of my career with these sorts of shenanigans. On the other hand, Watt’s passes are a lot more accurate than those of Ryan Fitzpatrick, Tom Savage, and Ryan Mallet. As long as he doesn’t throw a pick-6 in four straight games, then it’s a step in the right direction, I suppose.”

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16 Comments

  1. Ignorant European fool

    September 4, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Then you dont want to know that some socceplayers earn $1.500.000 each week, year around

  2. Ignorant European fool

    September 4, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Then you dont want to know that some socceplayers earn $500.000 each week, year around

  3. Anonymous

    September 4, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Watt plays DE

  4. Guy Who Says Fuck Her Right In The Pussy

    September 3, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Fuck her right in the pussy

  5. I LOVE the word MOIST!

    September 2, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    This article makes me MOIST!

  6. That Guy

    September 2, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Relax. The movie spoiler didn’t reveal that he was talking about Lord of the Rings. Besides he was talking about Sean Bean. Charlton Heston wasn’t an actor. He was the guy who invented gunpowder.

  7. Anonymous

    September 2, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    Hey ifhss…… er… I mean… “guy who spoils movies”… SHUt tHE FUCK UP!!! YOU KNOW PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH SOME OFF THOSE MOVIES??? SOME PEOPLE ON HERE HAVE PROBABLY NEVER SEEN SOME OF THOSE MOVIES BEFORE. ASSHOLE. and that’s not what happens at the end of breaking ba… oh I see, its a Matt Ryan reference… hahahaha

  8. ifhss

    September 2, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Hello. My name is ifhss and I am a recovering troll. I would like to thank Trolls Anonymous for helping me these last few days. I understand that there will be troll feeders along with people who post comments that I won’t like and that’s okay. From now on I will read the articles and if necessary post a comment that reflects how I feel about said article. I will leave the site and check daily for any new articles. Someone may impersonate me and slander my progress but trust me. I have changed.

    Thank you Bob from TFA and thank you PFM for giving me the chance to post here stating my redemption. It’s a whole new world for ifhss!!!

  9. Andrew Luck

    September 2, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    How cool, JJ Watt is a quarterback now! Hey JJ, if you need advice on how to be a QB, I’ll be glad to help you out.

  10. smartass

    September 2, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    ^what gave you that idea?

  11. ifhss

    September 2, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Sometimes I feel like these guys make way too much money…

  12. Name

    September 2, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    Hello. My name is Name and I am a recovering troll feeder. I would like to thank Troll Feeders Anonymous for helping me these last few days. I understand that there will be trolls along with people who post comments that I won’t like and that’s okay. From now on I will read the articles and if necessary post a comment that reflects how I feel about said article. I will leave the site and check daily for any new articles. Someone may impersonate me and slander my progress but trust me. I have changed.

    Thank you Bob from TFA and thank you PFM for giving me the chance to post here stating my redemption. It’s a whole new world for Name!!!

  13. Guy who ruins tv shows

    September 2, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    At the end of Breaking Bad, Hal wakes up and tells Lois he had the craziest dream ever. Then Reese walks in all strung out screaming “Yeah! Dreams bitches!”

  14. Ben Roethlisberger

    September 2, 2014 at 11:38 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THE TEXANS HAVE NO RELIABLE FRANCHISE QB!

  15. Guy Who Spoils Movies

    September 2, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Charlton Heston finds out he was on earth the whole time.

  16. Someone

    September 2, 2014 at 7:47 am

    Wait a minute. I just watched The League last night and JJ Watt was on there. He said he didn’t like quarterbacks. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

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