City Of London: “That’s All The Football We Need Now, Thank You America”

By
Updated: October 29, 2013

BRITISH FLAG

‘Ello there, Yanks. Now that your California 49ers and Florida Jaguars ‘ave finished their match here at Wembley Stadium, (the second time this year we’ve ‘osted a match of yours, mind you), we thought we’d take a moment to speak to you about this League of National Football you keep sending us.

 

Your sport is lovely. Lots of running, and tackles and all that sort of rot. Truly, a smashing time was ‘ad by all. But the time ‘as come for us to say, with all due respect: that’s quite enough football for us now, thank you very much.

 

We feel compelled to mention this because the president of your football club, one Mr. Roger Goodell, supposedly has plans to send us a good deal more matches in the future. As many as eight per year, apparently? Blimey, do you lot think we’re going to turn up at Wembley EIGHT BLOODY TIMES PER YEAR to watch a bunch of you silly sods beat yourselves senseless over a funny shaped rugby ball? Due respect mates, you’re out of your bloomin’ minds.

 

Don't patronize us. Or at least, don't do it with the Jaguars

Don’t patronize us. Or at least, don’t do it with the Jaguars

When we first ‘eard you were planning on ‘olding some of your matches ‘ere, we all thought, “Well, that’s jolly good. The colonies want to share a spot of their favorite sport with us. We’ll be ‘appy to observe one of these contests to see what all the fuss is about.”

 

But to be perfectly ‘onest, this “sport” of yours is a load of bollocks. Let’s talk about the obvious problem. We don’t need your “football” because we already ‘AVE football. It’s what you call “soccer,” and it’s only the most popular sport in the ‘ole bloody world. So ‘ow you can continue to call that rubbish you play “football” is baffling to say the least. If you ‘ad any decency, you’d rename it “toss-and-run ball,” or some other more accurate moniker.

 

Look mates, ‘ave you ‘eard of cricket? It’s a game we Brits fancy, in which two batsmen stand behind the crease at opposite ends of a pitch, while a bowler delivers the ball to the wicket behind the batsman in an attempt to dismiss ten members of the batting team. Sound like something you’d be interested in? No? THAT’S WHY WE DON’T SEND OVER THE YORKSHIRE AND SUSSEX CRICKET CLUBS TO PLAY MATCHES IN METLIFE STADIUM AND FORCE YOU LOT TO WATCH ‘EM TWICE A BLOODY YEAR.

 

So in conclusion, let us state again in no uncertain terms that while we appreciate the thought, we’ve ‘ad quite enough “toss-and-run ball” to last us for the next several decades or so. We know you Yanks think that you can slap the Stars and Stripes on any old thing you like, export it across the pond, and expect everyone in England to lap it up like trained terriers. But make no mistake: we ‘ave all the sport we need already, thank you very much. Why don’t you send your Texas Cowboys and Pennsylvania Eagles over to France next year? We ‘ear they LOVE anything that’s big, loud, and American down there.

 

Bloody hell.

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33 Comments

  1. Dan ThedjBagpuss Bridgland

    November 26, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Love the epic fails by some posters on here just not getting the whole “mock” thing. I am British, live in Britain and have seen NFL games here & in the States. I say keep the games coming, you’ll sell them out almost regardless of the teams.

  2. Dipak Gohil

    November 7, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    LARGE contingent of Jags fans?? were smoking weed for 3 hours?????

  3. Johnny

    November 3, 2013 at 2:51 am

    Can I just say as amd English football fan, who went to his first ever game on sunday, please do keep sending teams our way. Even as a neutral for last sundays game (Bears fan! Bear down!) I had the most amazing time, and the tailgate party with Joe Montana and Dwight Clarke was just awesome. It is a great experience for all involved. And I think even the large contingent of Jags fans enjoyed themselves!

  4. Anonymous

    November 2, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    “…we can easily fill 8 games a year bitches…”

    Well, tell that to the London Monarchs and the Scottish Claymores ^^

  5. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 10:58 am

    I am English, and I love football (THE NFL kind). These is a huge following here. While this is satire, and amusing, we can easily fill 8 games a year bitches

  6. Dipak

    October 31, 2013 at 7:11 am

    Lol..I was really REALLY looking forward to pfm ripping the London series ( I live in England) but disappointed that it was’t as witty and gut bust laugh out loud as it could have been…but still lots of fun to read.

  7. NotMarkSanchez

    October 31, 2013 at 1:35 am

    I freakin’ love the first tag.

  8. Laschus

    October 30, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    My British wife told me we doomed the thing when we tried to tell them we were sending a team that we pronounce as the Jag-wires. In Britain it’s pronounced JAG-you-are. That was when we truly lost the deal – they couldn’t stand the sound of us butchering the language.

  9. Mark

    October 30, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Great job, Dick Van Dyke!

  10. Anonymous

    October 30, 2013 at 2:46 am

    The first tag was the best part of this whole thing.

  11. slick3

    October 29, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    @ anonymous. I’ve been watching PFM for quite awhile now and, invariably without fail, their will appear an irate rant from a totally clueless poster or two. LOL!

  12. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    The funny part is, cricket is more popular than NFL as well. Not richer, obviously, but far more fans.

  13. BAM

    October 29, 2013 at 11:44 am

    i still don’t get the whole London thing. Focus on getting a team to Los Angeles before London.

  14. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Funniest thing for me – as a german – about that satire is, that Goodell might REALLY think that the games already played in London have been sold out to Brits alone.
    Wembley was full with NFL fans from Britain, Germany and the rest of Europe.. something that won’t be the case if it would be a british team facing NFL teams on a bi-weekly schedule.

  15. Mathieu

    October 29, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Very true, the commercials are horrible, i usually watch games with a delay, even afternoon games that i could watch live because of that… Sadly even if they organised a game in France, I wouldnt go to avoid all those Tv breaks.

  16. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Too bad they didn’t mention all the commercials and the pink lol.

  17. Shaun

    October 29, 2013 at 9:42 am

    ^^ That is the reason they lost the war of American Independence. He can’t even get that this article is satire when the name of the site is ProFootballMOCK.com . . . just wow.

  18. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 9:02 am

    North American Handegg. You’re welcome.

  19. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 8:43 am

    … I want Cricket. And maybe some more rugby tests over here…

  20. IFHSS

    October 29, 2013 at 8:24 am

    HAHA Excellent post guys! I thought mathieu’s comment was fine but the one after it…. no s’ much. lol

  21. cl_kyle

    October 29, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Love the Monty Python tag

  22. Mathieu

    October 29, 2013 at 7:38 am

    I think it’s good, and the long time loathing between french and english is Well put.
    Hence my comment. I

  23. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 7:30 am

    It’s not even good satire. Whatever floats your boat though.

  24. Mathieu

    October 29, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Soooo you can Read a satire but you can’t use in the comments?
    Okay

  25. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 7:26 am

    @Mathieu “I really thought that the irony was obvious in my comment….”

    It is obvious that you thought the article was real and are now backtracking.

  26. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 7:19 am

    man, that comment, he’s all serious and sh**, “If you dont like it, dont watch it…..” LOL

  27. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 7:17 am

    I read this article in Buzz Killington’s voice

  28. Mathieu

    October 29, 2013 at 7:08 am

    I really thought that the irony was obvious in my comment….

  29. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 7:04 am

    I don’t think some people get the ‘profootballMOCK’ part of the website. No wonder unemployment and people on gov’t assistance is at an all time high.

  30. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 7:01 am

    LOL at the above poster. Trying to act like writing coach or professor. Do you have any idea what kind of site this is?? I suggest you take a larger sampling of what this site offers before you make conclusions about their ‘journalism’. Seems like the name profootballMOCK didn’t give you any context clues.

  31. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 6:58 am

    Umm …you folks DO realize this web site, and all articles contained within, is satire, right? Right??

  32. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 6:53 am

    If you don’t like it don’t watch it. Clearly there are people in the UK that do want American Football here hence why these matches sold out. I suggest you learn how to construct an article before offering up any more opinions, journalism clearly isn’t a strength of yours…

  33. Mathieu

    October 29, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Hey! No ! We already have football too! Damn english… Home your goddamn relic of a queen choque on her mornin bagel.

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