Cincinnati Bengals: “We’re Better Than The Steelers At Lots Of Things, If You Don’t Count Football”
Okay, fine. So we lost to the Steelers. Yes, for the second time in a month. And yes, it was yet another primetime loss. A win would’ve given us the AFC North Division title, not to mention a home playoff game. But unfortunately, it wasn’t to be, because Pittsburgh beat us 27-17.
Well you know what? I’m not going to let it get me down. Because I know that we’re better than the Steelers at LOTS of things, if you don’t include football.
Sure, the Steelers swept us this season. But they’re just lucky that they don’t have to face us in a billiards hall. See, A.J. Green is quite the talented pool shark. So if the AFC North ever gets decided by a winner-take-all game of 8-ball, we’ll unleash A.J. and absolutely crush those yinzers.
And okay, I admit that the Steelers hold a 55-34 lifetime edge in our head-to-head series, including a current streak of three straight wins. But did you know that Ray Maualuga plays the ukulele? Oh yes, he’s quite the minstrel on the old island four-string. When’s the last time you saw Lawrence Timmons or Heath Miller or any of the other Steelers walking around playing a ukulele? Never, that’s when.
Plus we all know that the Steelers have six Super Bowl titles to their name, while we unfortunately have none. But you know what we can do? Paint. That’s right, this one time I was walking through our locker room, and I saw Jermaine Gresham sitting in front of an easel painting a still life of a bowl of fruit. And okay, the picture was sort of rough, and he didn’t seem to know much about shading or perspective and the bananas looked kind of smeared and goopy, but still. He’s just a beginner, and at least he’s trying, which is more than you can say for any of those artless Pittsburgh clods.
So these are just a few of the many non-football areas in which we are superior to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Therefore, despite the loss last night that cost us the division title, we clearly have nothing to be ashamed of, because we’re superior to them in lots of other…hold on, I’ve just been handed a note.
Well what do you know? Turns out that Steelers FB Will Johnson is quite an accomplished scenery and portrait painter. Goddamnit.