Chargers Regret Staying In Overlook Hotel During Road Trip To Denver

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Updated: November 19, 2012

After suffering a 30-23 defeat at the hands of the Denver Broncos that in all probability ended their playoff hopes as well as the reign of head coach Norv Turner, the San Diego Chargers returned to their rooms at Colorado’s famed Overlook Hotel, where the team encountered ghostly apparitions, elevators filled with human blood, and an axe wielding maniac bent on “correcting” them all, sources reported late Sunday.

 

“The loss was disheartening enough,” said RB Ryan Mathews, who gained a mere 47 yards against a stingy Broncos front seven. “But then I went back to my room to shower, and there was this naked lady in my tub. I mean, it was cool at first, ’cause she was kind of hot. But then I look in the mirror, and she was all covered in scabs and pus, and seemed to have suddenly turned, like, 80 years old. Man, I don’t need that right now. I’m barely averaging three yards a carry, and now I have to worry about some elderly she-demon trying to kill me?”

 

Charger management booked the team into the stately mountain resort, believing that the peace and quiet the grounds offered would be just the thing to reverse the franchise’s recent struggles. Instead, the entire roster, along with every coach and trainer, experienced a nightmarish descent into madness from which they may never return.

 

“I was just chilling in the hallway, and suddenly this football rolls up to me, out of nowhere,” said QB Philip Rivers. “I thought maybe it was my long snapper, messing with me. But then I see thee two twin girls staring at me, all creepy-like. And they say, ‘come play with us Philip. Forever and ever and ever.’ And suddenly I had flashes of them all hacked to pieces, with blood and guts and entrails smeared all over the walls and stuff. So now I’m like, 80% sure it wasn’t my long snapper.”

 

Other players reported seeing such images as a homicidal British butler, a man in a dog suit fellating a guest, an entre ballroom filled with supernatural entities, and a vintage typewriter upon which the phrase, “all work and no play makes Antonio a dull boy.’ had been typed several thousand times.

 

“It definitely was an unfortunate way to end a bad road trip for us,” said Turner, as a single drop of blood streaked down his face. “First losing to the Broncos, and now dealing with this hell on earth in which we’re currently trapped. But I understand that if the Chargers fire me, which I’m told is a near-certainty at this point, the Overlook has a position available for me as the new caretaker.”

 

“Well, maybe ‘new’ isn’t the right way to phrase it,” concluded Turner. “The nice gentleman who interviewed me for the job told me that I am the caretaker. I’ve always been the caretaker.”

 

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