“Calvin Johnson is Gettin’ Laid Tonight,” Says Calvin Johnson
DETROIT – After powering the Lions to a 31-30 victory over the Dallas Cowboys by catching 14 passes for 329 yards, Lions WR Calvin Johnson Jr. loudly announced to everyone in the Detroit locker room that, “Calvin Johnson is gettin’ laid tonight, (expletives)!” according to team sources.
“EVERY (EXPLETIVE) IN DETROIT GONNA BE PREGNANT TOMORROW MORNING,” the normally soft spoken wideout bellowed repeatedly to anyone who would listen. “Cause tonight, Calvin Johnson’s gonna hit the hottest club in town, and strut Calvin Johnson’s ass right to the middle of the dance floor. And while every honey in the house has her eyes glued on Calvin Johnson, Calvin Johnson’s gonna whip out Calvin Johnson’s big hard (expletive) and shout, “Yo (expletives), this is the (expletive) that belongs to the bad-ass mother(expletive) who just reamed apart that (expletive) Dallas defense for THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINE FAT YARDS.” And that’s when 329 pairs of soaked panties gonna hit the floor. YEAAAAAAHHH!”
Added the three-time pro bowler, “CALVIN JOHNSON’S GONNA (EXPLETIVE) ANYTHING THAT MOVES!”
Johnson’s receiving total, just seven yards shy of the all-time NFL record, was a masterful display of precise route running, spectacular moves, and leaping catches, all of which seemed to embolden the normally quiet receiver.
“No more of this humble, soft-spoken bull(expletive) for Calvin Johnson!” Johnson said to reporters at his post-game press conference. “So all y’all better lock up your wives and daughters, (expletive)-holes, ’cause Megatron is gettin’ some Mega-tail TONIGHT!”
In related news, Cowboys WR Dez Bryant, who earlier in the week proclaimed that he could do “anything that Calvin can do,” reportedly returned to his Dallas area residence late Sunday where he spent the evening in a darkened bedroom masturbating quietly.