“Calvin Johnson is Gettin’ Laid Tonight,” Says Calvin Johnson

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Updated: October 27, 2013

DETROIT – After powering the Lions to a 31-30 victory over the Dallas Cowboys by catching 14 passes for 329 yards, Lions WR Calvin Johnson Jr. loudly announced to everyone in the Detroit locker room that, “Calvin Johnson is gettin’ laid tonight, (expletives)!” according to team sources.

DETRIT LIONS WR CALVIN JOHNSON VS DALLAS COWBOYS 329 YARDS

 

“EVERY (EXPLETIVE) IN DETROIT GONNA BE PREGNANT TOMORROW MORNING,” the normally soft spoken wideout bellowed repeatedly to anyone who would listen. “Cause tonight, Calvin Johnson’s gonna hit the hottest club in town, and strut Calvin Johnson’s ass right to the middle of the dance floor. And  while every honey in the house has her eyes glued on Calvin Johnson, Calvin Johnson’s gonna whip out Calvin Johnson’s big hard (expletive) and shout, “Yo (expletives), this is the (expletive) that belongs to the bad-ass mother(expletive) who just reamed apart that (expletive) Dallas defense for THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINE FAT YARDS.” And that’s when 329 pairs of soaked panties gonna hit the floor. YEAAAAAAHHH!”

 

Added the three-time pro bowler, “CALVIN JOHNSON’S GONNA (EXPLETIVE) ANYTHING THAT MOVES!”

 

Johnson’s receiving total, just seven yards shy of the all-time NFL record, was a masterful display of precise route running, spectacular moves, and leaping catches, all of which seemed to embolden the normally quiet receiver.

 

“No more of this humble, soft-spoken bull(expletive) for Calvin Johnson!” Johnson said to reporters at his post-game press conference. “So all y’all better lock up your wives and daughters, (expletive)-holes, ’cause Megatron is gettin’ some Mega-tail TONIGHT!”

 

In related news, Cowboys WR Dez Bryant, who earlier in the week proclaimed that he could do “anything that Calvin can do,” reportedly returned to his Dallas area residence late Sunday where he spent the evening in a darkened bedroom masturbating quietly.

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6 Comments

  1. BAM

    October 28, 2013 at 11:26 am

    I just assume he’s beating her with his penis.

  2. Nick Ensley

    October 28, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Is Bryant beating off before or after beating up his mother, again?

  3. BAM

    October 28, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Now I can’t get the image of Dez Bryant quietly masturbating in a darkened room out of my head. Thanks a lot, PFM!

  4. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 8:21 am

    I thought this was kind of lame.

  5. Alex Giobbi (@AlexGiobbi)

    October 28, 2013 at 7:15 am

    BECAUSE CALVIN JOHNSON IS A BEAT, YOU SEE>

  6. Seth

    October 27, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    The last paragraph made the whole article worth it

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