Buccaneers Pre-Game Pep Talk Just Getting Sadder and Sadder

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Updated: October 25, 2013

TAMPA BAY – Just prior to last night’s 31-13 loss at the hands of theCarolina Panthers, Buccaneers CB Darrelle Revis delivered a pep talk to his teammates along the sidelines that, according to multiple sources, started out fiery and impassioned before gradually devolving into a sad, gloomy series of mumbles.

"'No staph infections' on 3. Ready? 1, 2, 3, 'NO STAPH INFECTIONS!'"

“‘No staph infections’ on 3. Ready? 1, 2, 3, ‘NO STAPH INFECTIONS!'”

 

“All right here we go! Time to go out there and kick some ass, Bucs style!” bellowed Revis to begin the speech, as he loudly clapped his hands several times. “And yeah, sure, some might say that ‘Bucs style’ hasn’t been all that great this year! Or last year! Or for several years now! In fact some might say that ‘Bucs style’ has, with the exception of a few brief years during the early 2000’s, been a steady string of laughable failure for almost four decades now! But that’s okay, because tonight we’re here to bring back Tampa Bay pride! Even though that might be tough to do when we’re starting a rookie quarterback against a surging Panthers team that’s won three of their past four games, and features one of the hotter quarterbacks in the league over the past few weeks! But all of that is just, you know, challenges for us to, um, overcome!”

 

Amid the slowly-decreasing whoops and hollers of his teammates, Revis continued, “If we believe in ourselves, and we work together, we can’t lose! Well, I mean technically we could! They believe in themselves too, obviously! And from what I’ve seen on film they certainly work together pretty well! But still, this is our game to prove all our doubters wrong! Even though they’ve been right each of the past several weeks!”

 

The Buccaneers, now 0-7 on the season and expected to fire head coach Greg Schiano before the year’s end, have endured a number of high profile mishaps in 2013, including a poorly handled split with former QB Josh Freeman, and a locker room contaminated with an MSRA infection. As both the injuries and the losses have mounted, the team’s morale has reportedly waned accordingly.

 

“So we’re gonna go out there and give it everything we’ve got!” concluded Revis. “And don’t worry about the naysayers who mock our troubled franchise! Ignore the so-called ‘experts’ who say we have a better than fifty-fifty shot of going 0-16. And just block out all those troublesome regrets you may have about any former big city, major-market teams that you might have once played for, that are now well on pace for an AFC playoff berth, while you suffer here in this muggy swamp! That kind of negative thinking isn’t going to get us anywhere! Because what we need to focus on tonight is that we have to go out and play an important game right here, right now! And win or lose it’s going to be over in roughly three hours or so, give or take, and then we can go home and watch an all new “Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” so at least we can look forward to that!

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11 Comments

  1. Cisco Garzon

    October 30, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    shit looks like we have comedy experts in here, can’t wait to hear the critique from my comment..please enlighten us all with your superior comedic skills fuckers…

  2. Seth

    October 25, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Bit too much Jacques… Was funny at first but then you overdid it

  3. Cracken

    October 25, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    I wish these comments made me moist. Alas, they do not …

  4. IFHSS

    October 25, 2013 at 10:14 am

    I wish we could rate comments here. +1 -1 you know?

  5. IFHSS

    October 25, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Ok Jacques, the only funny one was the first one, the rest made no sense.

  6. Jacques Lafitte

    October 25, 2013 at 8:21 am

    The Buccaneers are now 0-7. As the descendent of pirates, I am offended that he term buccaneer is associated with such an awful team. I say it’s time for this franchise to change its name to something less offensive. Here are just several ideas I have for new team names:

    1) Tampa Bay Suckaneers

    2) Tampa Bay Little Girls

    3) Los Angeles Diablos

    Until they change their offensive name, I will be referring to this team as the ‘NFL Franchise from Tampa.”

    Thank you

  7. DaveB

    October 25, 2013 at 7:51 am

    They lost their last Preseason game which, as a one-off, will count solely for the purposes of abusing the Buccs

  8. Paul D

    October 25, 2013 at 7:16 am

    The infection is MRSA

  9. Nemo

    October 25, 2013 at 7:14 am

    No, it was a 17-17 tie

  10. anon

    October 25, 2013 at 6:36 am

    I thought they got shut out 35-0 by The Bye Week”?

  11. Owenate

    October 25, 2013 at 6:13 am

    0-17 is pretty difficult to do considering the season has 16 games.

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