Brandon Weeden Reminds Cop That He Plays For Browns, Only Makes Cop Madder

"Sir, you're just making things worse for yourself," says officer.

Updated: October 23, 2013

CLEVELAND – During a routine traffic stop this morning in which he was cited for driving 46 MPH in a 35 zone, Browns QB Brandon Weeden attempted to gain favor with the Cleveland Municipal policeman who was writing him the citation by reminding the officer that he was a well-known player for the local football team, a move which only served to anger the patrolman further, local sources confirmed today.




“Hey, uh, I just have to ask. You know who I am, right? I play quarterback for the Browns. Brandon Weeden? Maybe you’ve heard of me?” Weeden, 30, reportedly said to the officer. “I was wondering if maybe you could let me off with a warning this time? I’d be happy to sign any autographs you might want for, you know, your kids or brother-in-law or whoever.”


The officer, Sgt. Dennis Mayall, 51, scowled briefly upon hearing Weeden’s request, but did not otherwise pause while writing the citation.


“Sir I know who you are,” Sgt. Mayall growled at Weeden. “I’ve been a Browns season ticket holder for going on twenty-five years now. I selected you in the 7th round of the 53rd Precinct’s fantasy football draft. I can assure you Mr. Weeden, that you’re only making things worse for yourself right now.”


“And you know what? I can’t help but notice that your rear passenger side tire looks a little low on air,” continued the twenty-seven year veteran of the force. “I’m afraid that now I’m going to have to issue you an additional ticket for failure to keep your vehicle in safe operating condition.”


The two tickets will reportedly cost Weeden a combined $475, plus points on his license and a likely increase in his automotive insurance rates.


In related news, injured Cleveland QB Brian Hoyer, who started for the Browns in their only three wins of the season, was apprehended  early this morning attempting to smuggle a U-Haul full of illegal fireworks and high-grade methamphetamines across state lines, but was released with a warning when he posed for pictures with excited Ohio State Troopers.

Leave a Reply


  1. Anonymous

    December 13, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    The Hoyer part was hilarious

  2. Anonymous

    October 28, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    The Hoyer ending pulled the article together

  3. Greg Lubowicz

    October 27, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Brad must be a Weeden fan.

  4. Velvet

    October 25, 2013 at 9:07 am

    @Seth the bengals are better then “good-ish” We are number 1 in that division so suck it up =P

  5. Anonymous

    October 25, 2013 at 7:21 am


  6. Anonymous

    October 24, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    You must not be a browns fan if you don’t get the joke….

  7. Brad Kennedy Schultz

    October 24, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    Is this supposed to be funny or something? I can’t believe I wasted my time reading this. I am still waiting for the punchline. Like a third grader’s joke. I notice no one wanted to put their name on this piece of literary genius. Probably stole it from their preschooler anyways. I might have to forward this to my sister-in-law so my five year old niece can read it. Hopefully she gets a chuckle out of it and doesn’t think it’s stupid.

  8. Anonymous

    October 24, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    cops a douche for writing a ticket for low tire pressure

  9. Anonymous

    October 23, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    @seth that is an awesome comment. The browns and bengals on top of that division woul just be crazy lol

  10. Seth

    October 23, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    @Anonymous I’d make sure Hoyer never played another snap of Football for the Browns… It’s bad enough the Bengals are good-ish now, I don’t want Ravens to deal with a competent Browns team now too D:

  11. Anonymous

    October 23, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    I’d let Hoyer off too

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