Brandon Weeden Reminds Cop That He Plays For Browns, Only Makes Cop Madder
"Sir, you're just making things worse for yourself," says officer.
CLEVELAND – During a routine traffic stop this morning in which he was cited for driving 46 MPH in a 35 zone, Browns QB Brandon Weeden attempted to gain favor with the Cleveland Municipal policeman who was writing him the citation by reminding the officer that he was a well-known player for the local football team, a move which only served to anger the patrolman further, local sources confirmed today.
“Hey, uh, I just have to ask. You know who I am, right? I play quarterback for the Browns. Brandon Weeden? Maybe you’ve heard of me?” Weeden, 30, reportedly said to the officer. “I was wondering if maybe you could let me off with a warning this time? I’d be happy to sign any autographs you might want for, you know, your kids or brother-in-law or whoever.”
The officer, Sgt. Dennis Mayall, 51, scowled briefly upon hearing Weeden’s request, but did not otherwise pause while writing the citation.
“Sir I know who you are,” Sgt. Mayall growled at Weeden. “I’ve been a Browns season ticket holder for going on twenty-five years now. I selected you in the 7th round of the 53rd Precinct’s fantasy football draft. I can assure you Mr. Weeden, that you’re only making things worse for yourself right now.”
“And you know what? I can’t help but notice that your rear passenger side tire looks a little low on air,” continued the twenty-seven year veteran of the force. “I’m afraid that now I’m going to have to issue you an additional ticket for failure to keep your vehicle in safe operating condition.”
The two tickets will reportedly cost Weeden a combined $475, plus points on his license and a likely increase in his automotive insurance rates.
In related news, injured Cleveland QB Brian Hoyer, who started for the Browns in their only three wins of the season, was apprehended early this morning attempting to smuggle a U-Haul full of illegal fireworks and high-grade methamphetamines across state lines, but was released with a warning when he posed for pictures with excited Ohio State Troopers.
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