Bill Belichick Uses “Mission Impossible” Style Tactics To Infiltrate Jets Headquarters, Steal Signals

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Updated: October 14, 2014

NEW YORK – In preparation for this week’s Jets-Patriots showdown, New England head coach Bill Belichick performed what he called “the usual game-planning protocol,” by successfully infiltrating the locker room of Jets team headquarters via an elaborate system of suspension wires and pulleys, in order to steal his rival squad’s signals from within their computer’s mainframe.

BILL BELICHICK MISSION IMPOSSIBLE bigger

 

The break-in, dubbed “Operation Green-Grab,” required weeks of meticulous planning in order to perfect the split-second precision that Belichick needed to suspend himself from the Jets locker room ceiling without tripping any motion sensing detectors or crossing any infrared laser streams that might be zigzagging across the floor to trap any espionage intruders.

 

“That level of caution might have been unnecessary,” Belichick later admitted. “Turns out, the only security they had in the place was an overweight, 72-year old security guard named Jack who was asleep in the break room at the time.”

 

According to sources, at the conclusion of the mission Belichick made off with the entire Jets playbook, which was later revealed to be nothing more than five or six pages of looseleaf paper featuring crudely drawn offensive diagrams with names like, “running back-guy stumbles to right for 3 yard loss” and “QB chucks ball deep for interception or, if we’re lucky, incompletion.”

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5 Comments

  1. Bill Belichick

    October 16, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    Grumble!

  2. Jim in NYC

    October 14, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    If Belichick still has guns like that, I’m a natural blonde.

    • Random

      October 16, 2014 at 10:56 am

      How do we know you’re not a natural blonde? I don’t know what you look like and Belichick is the prince of darkness. Clearly with the amount of souls he devours he has the power to look in better shape than his age would imply.

  3. Ben Roethlisberger

    October 14, 2014 at 10:26 am

    THIS IS A REFERENCE TO THE PATRIOTS-JETS SPYGATE OF 2007

    • Ben Roethlisberger

      October 15, 2014 at 7:08 am

      HOW DID YOU STEAL MY NAME?

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