Bill Belichick Uses “Mission Impossible” Style Tactics To Infiltrate Jets Headquarters, Steal Signals
NEW YORK – In preparation for this week’s Jets-Patriots showdown, New England head coach Bill Belichick performed what he called “the usual game-planning protocol,” by successfully infiltrating the locker room of Jets team headquarters via an elaborate system of suspension wires and pulleys, in order to steal his rival squad’s signals from within their computer’s mainframe.
The break-in, dubbed “Operation Green-Grab,” required weeks of meticulous planning in order to perfect the split-second precision that Belichick needed to suspend himself from the Jets locker room ceiling without tripping any motion sensing detectors or crossing any infrared laser streams that might be zigzagging across the floor to trap any espionage intruders.
“That level of caution might have been unnecessary,” Belichick later admitted. “Turns out, the only security they had in the place was an overweight, 72-year old security guard named Jack who was asleep in the break room at the time.”
According to sources, at the conclusion of the mission Belichick made off with the entire Jets playbook, which was later revealed to be nothing more than five or six pages of looseleaf paper featuring crudely drawn offensive diagrams with names like, “running back-guy stumbles to right for 3 yard loss” and “QB chucks ball deep for interception or, if we’re lucky, incompletion.”