Bill Belichick Dresses As Ravens Mascot To Steal Baltimore’s Signals

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Updated: November 10, 2013
"Squaaak. An inside handoff on third and eight? What are you, an idiot? Squaaaak!"

“Squaaawk. An inside handoff on third and eight? What are you, an idiot? Squaaaawwk!”

BALTIMORE – As his team enjoyed their week 10 bye, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was apprehended Sunday in M&T Bank Stadium, where he donned the costume of Poe, the Ravens official team mascot, in order to infiltrate the Baltimore sideline and steal John Harbaugh’s signals, it was reported earlier today.

 

“We first suspected it might be Bill when we noticed that ‘Poe’ was spending more time peeking over our coaches’ shoulders at their playsheets than he was cheering for our team,” said Harbaugh after his 20-17 OT victory over the Cincinnati Bengals. “Then later, we found Jerry Edmondson, the actor who normally wears the costume, tied up and gagged in the visitor’s locker room. His eyes were full of terror, and all the color had drained from his cheeks. Like he’d personally just seen the Devil himself.”

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids. Oh, and the federal authorities too."

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids. Oh, and the federal authorities too.”

 

Belichick has been accused of underhanded tactics in the past, most notably during 2007’s “Spygate” scandal. Now, these most recent allegations seem to suggest that Belichick is looking to gain a competitive edge against the 4-5 Ravens, in preparation for their game later this season.

 

“He definitely wanted to fool us into thinking he was our normal mascot,” said Harbaugh. “He danced around a little, and tried to put on a show for the fans. But it wasn’t very convincing. Only someone with a heart as black and cold as Bill Belichick could dance around in a giant whimsical bird costume, and still somehow make it look grumpy and hateful.”

 

Added Harbaugh: “Plus, I’m pretty sure he wounded four of five kids when he started shooting the T-shirt cannon into the crowd. I think he loaded it with cantaloupes.”

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11 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    November 20, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Really?

  2. Anonymous

    November 13, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Emperor

  3. Vincent Tobiaz (@vincenttobiaz)

    November 12, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Anyone else find it ironic that Ben used the word UNADULTERATED?

  4. John

    November 12, 2013 at 6:21 am

    Just picturing a giant raven looking over John Harbaugh’s shoulder killed me. Keep up the good work, guys!

  5. Anonymous

    November 11, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Even in a giant raven costume, he looks like Emperor Palpatine.

  6. Seth

    November 11, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    If the offense plays like it has in the past few weeks, a few stolen signals won’t mean much…

  7. John Hussain

    November 11, 2013 at 10:55 am

    ROFL, that seconde pic made the article.

  8. IFHSS

    November 11, 2013 at 8:44 am

    LOL those pics are hillarious!!! “SQUAAAAAWK!”

  9. Nemo

    November 11, 2013 at 5:27 am

    Thank you Ben. Now go rape a girl on your motorcycle.

  10. Ben R.

    November 11, 2013 at 5:12 am

    BECAUSE BILL BELICHICK IS PURE, UNADULTERATED EVIL, YOU SEE.

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