Bill Belichick: “OMG You Guys, Justin Beiber Got Arrested!!!!!”

By
Updated: January 24, 2014

BILL BELICHICK

HAVE U GUYS HEARD THE NEWS??? JUSTIN BEIBER TOTALLY GOT ARRESTED YESTERDAY IN LIKE MIAMI OR SOME PLACE!!!

 

I’m like freaking out here. This CAN’T be happening. I keep telling myself that this is gna be some like crazy dream that I’m gna wake up from at any moment and everything’s gna be okay, but then I remember that it’s not a dream and it’s really happening and I don’t know what to do. I’M CRYING SO HARD RIGHT NOW, U GUYS.

 

And why did they arrest poor innocent Justin? Because he was driving a little fast? Because he had a little bit to drink? OH I’M SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA!?! HE WORKS HARD FOR HIS MONEY. DOESN’T HE DESERVE TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN NOW AND THEN WITHOUT A BUNCH OF UGLY JEALOUS COPS HARASSING HIM FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON?!?!

 

OMG January has just been the WORST MONTH EVA!!!! First Miley Cryus got that FUGLY haircut. Then Kanye West said he’s going to move away from America. Plus my Patriots lost the AFC Championship game to the Broncos. And now poor sweet Justin was ARRESTED!?!? HOW CAN THIS MONTH GET ANY WORSE?

JUSTIN BEIBER MOTORCYCLE TOTALLY INNOCENT!

 

My hands have been literally trembling ever since I heard this news. HOW DARE THEY ARREST HIM?!?!?! Stupid A-hole cops. I’ll just bet they’re all Dolphins fans. It’s so obvious that they’re all just old ugly jabronis who r totes jealous of Justin ‘cause he’s way more talented and good looking and awesome than they will EVA EVA EVA be!!

 

Well I don’t care if it’s true or not I’m a LOYAL BELIEBER AND WE SUPPORT HIM NO MATTER WHAT! #FreeBeiber #BeliebersAreAlwaysHereForJusin #BeiberFever4Ever

 

My heart is just breaking right now knowing all the pain that poor Justin must be feeling. First that SKANK Selena Gomez dumps him (you’ll never get anyone better than him Selena, u ungrateful ‘ho!), then he gets FALSELY accused of throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house (yeah, I said ‘falsely.’ My cousin knows a girl whose uncle went to school with Justin’s mailman, and he told me that Justin wasn’t even at his house that night!), and NOW he’s being hassled by the Miami cops?!?!?!?! LEAVE JUSTIN ALONE!

 

U guys I can’t even tell u how much Justin’s music means to me. Back in March when Wes Welker totally BETRAYED me by going to Denver, I was so mad I wanted to just scream. But instead I climbed into my bed, put on my headphones, and listened to “Down to Earth:”

I never thought that it’d be easy, ’cause we’re both so distant now
And the walls are closing in on us, and we’re wondering how

No one has a solid answer, but just walking in the dark
And you can see the look on my face. It just tears me apart

So we fight (so we fight) through the hurt (through the hurt)
And we cry (and cry and cry and cry), and we live (and we live), and we learn (and we learn)
And we try and try and try and try

It’s like Justin wrote that song just for me! Those words totally got me through that dark period of my life. I swear sometimes it feels like he and I r connected, like cosmically, u know? I really feel like I know exactly what’s in his heart, and he knows what’s in mine.

 

Justin, if you’re reading this, just know that me and all your other loyal Beliebers support u 100%. We will all stand by u and love u 4ever despite all the mean lies they try to spread about u.

 

And in case u do read this, I wrote u a poem:

 

There’s a special boy who’s sweeter
Than a first round playoff bye
Whose life and love and music
Make me so happy I want to cry
 
But some haters can’t handle his swag
They’re jealous ‘cause he’s oh so great
So they try to bring him down with hate and lies
Just like they did to me with “Spygate”
 
Well we won’t let them hurt you Justin
I’m calling a max-protection blocking scheme
To save your heart from getting sacked
Is your Beieber army’s dream
 
So if you need to escape the pain
Justin I’m always here for you
Together we can hide from the world
In a hoodie built for two

Leave a Reply

42 Comments

  1. Darth Romo

    May 9, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    Muhahaha

  2. darth anonymous

    April 7, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Goooooood! Hence forth, you shall be known as Darth Romo.

  3. Tony Romo

    March 25, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    Darth Anonymous, “You’re right about not being Tony Romo. As of now he’s more of a man than you and could be a better Sith with the proper training. What happened to you? Two weeks ago you could have been a worthy rival. Now you are nothing. Your name is now Bill Belichick. No Darth, no Lord Sith , just plain ole Bill. Your powers are mine, your QB’s soul is mine. Tom Coughlin is a better coach than you in the games that truly matter. Be gone.”

    Darth Anonymous, I will do whatever you ask. Just help me to become an elite QB. *kneels* I pledge myself to your teachings. To the ways of the Sith.

  4. Russell Wilson

    March 25, 2014 at 8:43 am

    Thank you Mustang.

  5. Rusty BlackMist Mustang

    March 25, 2014 at 8:42 am

    Nicely done Wilson.

  6. Rusty BlackMist Mustang

    February 18, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    HaHa, Aaron’s TARDIS is broken!

  7. Peter Capaldi

    February 8, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    SO HELP ME RODGERS IF I REGENERATE INTO YOU I WILL TRAP YOU IN A DARK ROOM ALONE WITH SAM BRADFORD YOU AMERICAN FOOTBALL PLAYING POSSIBLY HOMOSE- poof! *gets exterminated by dalek and regenerates into Aaron Rodgers*

  8. Anonymous

    February 3, 2014 at 7:20 am

    This comments section is actually funnier than the article.

  9. Doctor Aaron Rogers Who

    January 29, 2014 at 10:44 am

    WILSON! So help me, I will pulverize you and fit you into a Dalek and … WHAT THE FUCK?! What’s wrong with my time travel AGAIN? First I end up in 2040, the wrong year, and now I end up in the WRONG CONVO! CURSE YOU WILSON THE PLATYPUS SEAHAW – poof!

  10. BeiberFever19LOLZ

    January 28, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    I wonder what his 40 time is, wouldn’t he be a dreamy kick returner. I bet he really knows how to handle balls. I bet he has great thrust when he’s hitting the holes.

  11. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 28, 2014 at 7:05 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY’VE ALL BEATEN UP SITH LORDS, YOU SEE

  12. Yoda

    January 28, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Funny this is.

  13. Obi-Wan Kenobi

    January 28, 2014 at 6:56 am

    LMAO

  14. Anakin Skywalker

    January 28, 2014 at 6:56 am

    ROFL

  15. Luke Skywalker

    January 28, 2014 at 6:55 am

    LOL

  16. Bill Belichick

    January 27, 2014 at 9:55 am

    One should never challenge the Sith, but never ever challenge an internet troll. Young fool, only now do you realize your mistake!

  17. Anonymous

    January 27, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Because you see Belichick is not a real Sith and Darth Anonymous is made up.

  18. Bill Belichick

    January 27, 2014 at 4:47 am

    What the hell are idots?

  19. Anonymous

    January 26, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    Will you idots quit with the constant Star Wars crap…its not funny, it just makes us all wish you were away at some Trekky convention somewhere

  20. Bill Belichick

    January 26, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    YOU SUCK BRAD! Y U ALL HATERS I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THE BIEBS FEELS. I’M SO TALENTED AND THE BEST COACH EVAH JUST LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER IS THE BEST SINGER, BUT WE WILL GET THROUGH THE HATERS AND I’LL WIN THE SUPERBOWL AGAIN AND SHOVE IT ALL UP THE BIEBER HATERS! BELICHICK OUT BITCHES! #hatersgonnahate #masteranonymoussucksjediballs #justinbieberisthebest

  21. Brad

    January 26, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    This article fucking sucked.

  22. Bill Belichick

    January 25, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    Now some loser is ripping into my opinion piece? Shut up you hater! You’re only jealous of the Biebs because he’s hotter than you and like more stylish than Tom Brady although Brady is a better quarterback, and he knows he gotta be better or I’ll get Robert Kraft to get Biebs and Hernandes out of prison and playing for the Pats next year! #freebieber #bieberframed #bieberwillbehernandesbitchinprison

  23. Anonymous

    January 25, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Probably the worst article I’ve ever read. Thought you guys were suppose to be funny.

  24. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 24, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    BECAUSE BILL BELICHICK IS NOT A BELIEBER, YOU SEE.

  25. Bill Belichick

    January 24, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    Tom Brady, I have the power to save the one you love – Justin Bieber! Please don’t let Darth Anonymous kill me! I’m … I’m … Too weak! I’m too weak! Please don’t kill me … Please! Please don’t!

  26. Bill Belichick

    January 24, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!! I feel like I’ve been cut in half, or decapitated, or my limbs have been sliced off, or the worst of all fates, that I was thrown into a reactor shaft!

  27. Darth Anonymous

    January 24, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    You’re right about not being Tony Romo. As of now he’s more of a man than you and could be a better Sith with the proper training. What happened to you? Two weeks ago you could have been a worthy rival. Now you are nothing. Your name is now Bill Belichick. No Darth, no Lord Sith , just plain ole Bill. Your powers are mine, your QB’s soul is mine. Tom Coughlin is a better coach than you in the games that truly matter. Be gone.

  28. Darth Belichick

    January 24, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    LIKE STOP IT DARTH ANONYMOUS! Roger Goodell, this guy, like, Darth Anonymous, he’s like cyber-bullying me! Like, first he gets Lando WesWelkerlisian to like betray me like he did with Han and hit my poor defenseless Aqib Talib, then he gets Peyton Manning running up the score by like 26 points before we scored a touchdown! STOP IT YOU GUYS I’M NOT TONY ROMO! I GET THE TEAM TO THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP ALL THE TIME! I’M THE BEST DAMN COACH IN THE LEAGUE! DON’T YOU TALK ABOUT ME!

  29. James

    January 24, 2014 at 11:37 am

    @FreeRange: pretty good argument. Because as we all know absolutely nothing else happened before 2007 that could have exposed the Patriots and Belichick as undeserving of a Lombardi trophy. Nothing at all.

  30. Darth Anonymous

    January 24, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Roger Goodell! We meet again! Still trying to turn the NFL into Sarcastaball?

  31. Roger Goodell

    January 24, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Now Now… Somebody is crying… Jerry whom do I fine to make it stop?

  32. Darth Anonymous

    January 24, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Snap out of it Beli-CHICK! (telepathically slapping you repeatedly) You’re acting like a teenage girl!

  33. Darth Belichick

    January 24, 2014 at 10:28 am

    STOP IT DARTH ANONYMOUS! OH EM GEE i thought because you became a Sith Lord too that we wuz like going to be BESTIES FOR LIFE but instead you turned against me like I did against DARTH PLAGEUS / DARTH PARCELLS and so I WAS SOOOO UPSET that you weren’t going to be like my BFF forever! I thought that you can JOIN ME AND TOGETHER WE CAN RULE THE NFL AS BFFs FOREVER! But instead you had to help out Jedi Master Peyton Manning and that guy Lando WesWelkerlisian or something who BETRAYED ME when HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BETRAY YOU! Leave me alone, you’re cyber bullying and if you don’t stop I’ll tell Roger Goodell and he will be MY NEW APPRENTICE / BESTIE!

  34. Anonymous

    January 24, 2014 at 10:13 am

    BECAUSE BELLYCHICK NEVER GETS EXCITED, YOU SEE

  35. Robert Edward

    January 24, 2014 at 9:55 am

    LOL one of the best articles this year well of course second too NFL QBS on facebook

  36. FreeRange

    January 24, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Does anyone else find it odd that the Pats haven’t won a Super Bowl since Beiber came along? I think there’s some subliminal messaging in his songs that destroys Belichicks postseason powers.

  37. Darth Anonymous

    January 24, 2014 at 9:04 am

    Belichick, you are a disgrace to the Dark Side of the Force! I expected this kind of behavior from your Princess Brady but never you! In addition to losing your “man points” you have lost your Sith points as well! I will strip you of your dark powers rendering you mortal until you start acting like a true Sith.

  38. Grumble!

    January 24, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Introducing the Pats new slot receiver, J. Biebs!

  39. Tom Brady

    January 24, 2014 at 7:13 am

    Coach I’m just so upset too! OMG Beiber and I are like total BESTIES and we even shared the same Brazilian Ladyboy once and it was totally confusing but awesome! First the Manning brothers are harassing me like since FOREVER and now Justin Beiber’s in jail! Coach do something with your dark side powers, please!

  40. Anonymous

    January 24, 2014 at 6:51 am

    Pause

  41. Bob

    January 24, 2014 at 6:10 am

    How do you guys come up with this stuff. Everything is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. cl_kyle

    January 24, 2014 at 5:12 am

    Well, that’s disturbing.

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