Bill Belichick Makes Annual Trip To Whoville To Steal Whos’ Christmas

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Updated: December 24, 2014

WHOVILLE – Patriots coach Bill Belichick, in what has become an annual holiday tradition for the three time Super Bowl champion, donned a red suit and Santa hat, then crept into the tiny town of Whoville during the dead of night to steal every single Christmas present, tree, and ornament from the sleeping citizens, as well as removing every last scrap of food from the hungry townspeoples’ kitchens, all in an effort to rob the village of any holiday merriment or cheer, according to Who sources on the scene today.

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick as the Grinch 540

“I hate all this hoopla! I despise Christmas joy! Late December’s for practice, not trinkets and toys,” grumbled Belichick, 62, as he removed gifts and decorations from numerous Whos’ homes and loaded them onto the overstuffed sleigh pulled by his faithful lap dog Josh MaxDaniels. “I’ll steal all their laughter. I’ll make them all cry. Their tears keep me focused, through my Pats’ first round bye.”

 

“That Lombardi is ours, we’ll cruise past the Colts

Or the Broncos and Bengals, or the Ravens and Bolts

We fear no receivers, the Waynes Cobbs or Bryants

‘Cause none of those wideouts play for the Giants”

 

After working through the night, Belichick was frustrated the following morning to see that the Whos were not nearly as devastated as he expected upon discovery of their missing items, but rather were holding hands and singing a joyous Christmas melody.

 

“What’s this? They’re not sobbing? They’re having a funday? I expected them weeping, like Peyton Manning last Monday!” snarled Belichick, upon witnessing the citizen’s surprising lack of sorrow.

 

According to reliable sources, Belichick’s heart then somehow shrank three sizes smaller than it already was, and he immediately chose to firebomb the entire town into a pile of smoldering ashes before returning to Patriots headquarters for mid-afternoon Christmas practice, fining dozens of players who dared to arrive five minutes late.

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5 Comments

  1. PackerMatt

    December 25, 2014 at 1:14 am

    This is one of the best things you’ve ever posted. I laughed so hard, I cried more than Peyton Manning!

  2. PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING

    December 24, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    For the record, I only cried for twenty minutes.

    • AnonyMOOSE

      December 25, 2014 at 5:48 pm

      yes, ”only” 20 minutes… oh hi eli :)

  3. AnonyMOOSE

    December 24, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    So is it just me or was “Whovian” supposed to be a reference to the Aaron Rodgers/ Doctor Who convo from last year?

    • PFM Staff

      December 25, 2014 at 12:38 am

      No, “Whovian” was a reference to the fact that I’ve never watched a single episode of “Dr. Who” in my life, and so I had no idea that “Whovians” was already a thing.

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