Bengals Sign Automated Throwing Machine To Replace Andy Dalton

CINCINNATI – After a humiliating 24-3 loss to the Cleveland Browns last week which featured one of the poorest quarterbacking performances in modern NFL history, the Bengals today announced the signing of a Fisher JC100 automated football throwing machine to replace beleaguered QB Andy Dalton.

The Cowboys have already offered to trade Brandon Weeden for the machine, straight up.

“We’re excited to welcome the JC100 to the Cincinnati Bengals, and we look forward to the spark it will hopefully provide to our passing game,” gushed head coach Marvin Lewis at an afternoon press conference. “While we are aware this machine will be quite a bit less mobile than our current QB, we feel the increase in accuracy will be well worth it.”

When asked for a comment on the practice field, the JC100 replied, “Thunk. Whir-whir-whir-whir-whirwhirwhirwhir schwooooop.”

Dalton took the news of the signing, and his demotion, in stride.

“I just want what’s best for the team, and I’ll do whatever I can from the sidelines to help this J-C whatever-it’s-called win games. Sure, it hurts that the machine already has more friends than I do in the locker room, and naturally I’m not thrilled that my wife is apparently going to dinner with it on Friday night. But I’m a professional. I’ll deal with it the best I can,” said the 4^th year signal caller while performing his new task of feeding footballs into the machine, accidentally overthrowing several of them in the process.

5 Comments

1. 

   Ben_Roethlisberger

   November 17, 2014 at 10:11 am

   IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE DALTON SUCKS AT THROWING

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2. 

   Random

   November 12, 2014 at 11:22 am

   With the #1 pick in the 2015 NFL Draft the Raiders select Fisher JC100 as their quarterback.

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3. 

   DangerRuss

   November 11, 2014 at 1:49 pm

   I find this article tough to believe. Why would Marvin Lewis say that the Fisher JC100 is quite a bit less mobile than Dalton? That implies that Dalton actually had SOME mobility. Too far-fetched.

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   • 

     Ben Roethlisberger

     November 11, 2014 at 2:26 pm

     IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE ANDY DALTON IS NOT MOBILE AT ALL.

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4. 

   Andrew Luck

   November 11, 2014 at 12:10 pm

   I look forward to competing against the JC 100…a worthy adversary.

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