Anonymous Denver Area Tipster Accuses Entire Seahawks Defense Of Various Crimes, Demands Immediate Suspensions

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Updated: September 19, 2014

SEATTLE – Yet another wave of accusations surfaced today against the scandal-plagued National Football League when an anonymous tipster calling from an area code somewhere within central Colorado claimed that the entire starting defensive unit of the Seattle Seahawks is guilty of, “all kinds of terrible crimes that could be really embarrassing to the league,” and demanded that the players in question be suspended by Roger Goodell, “immediately, or at least sometime before this Sunday,” according to reliable sources.

NFL Mystery Tipster

 

“Hello, NFL? Listen, I have it on good authority that Kam Chancellor, Richard Sherman, Malcolm Smith, and all the rest of those Seattle Shitbirds have committed a whole bunch of terrible crimes,” said the mysterious stranger during his phone call to NFL security. “What? No, I don’t know what crimes, exactly. More of that domestic violence stuff, I guess? Or drugs, maybe it’s drugs. Which is the one that results in immediate suspension? Beating innocent kids? Okay, it’s that one then.”

 

When asked to provide some sort of credentials, the tipster replied, “you can just call me ‘Deep Omaha.'”

 

According to sources, the unknown whistleblower’s allegations did not stop there.

 

“Well, as long as you’re handing out suspensions, you should know that Tom Brady uses some kind of performance-enhancing hair gel. That should be worth a full season ban, right? Oh, and also, I know for a fact that Eli Manning is afraid of spiders, and that he was a bedwetter until he was 14. What? Yes, I know he can’t get suspended for that. I just like telling people, is all.”

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5 Comments

  1. pondbridge

    September 22, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Don’t worry, you’ll have a chance to make everything right in OT.

  2. Benvoloch

    September 20, 2014 at 4:09 am

    Who ever this guys is, he is not wrong they did “beet innocent kids” it took place February 2nd,2014 in east Rutherford NJ. On or around 8 o’clock pm. It’s all disclosed on a two hour video.

    • Asshole

      September 21, 2014 at 11:15 pm

      It was 3 hours, and full of assault, sodomy, and public humiliation. Guilty as charged. Happened again tonight? Repeat offeners?

  3. Confused Person

    September 19, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Whoever this person is could face jail time if his/her allegations are false.

    • Peyton Fucking Manning

      September 20, 2014 at 3:56 am

      THEY ARE NOT FALSE (I’m told)!!!

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