America Remembers How Boring Preseason Football Is Ten Minutes Into First Game

By
Updated: August 3, 2014

CANTON, OH – After enduring a long, boring off-season, fans across America celebrated the return of football Sunday by tuning in to the annual NFL Hall of Fame game between the New York Giants and the Buffalo Bills, only to have their joy turn to apathy after ten minutes when they remembered just how boring preseason football is, sources across the nation confirmed earlier today.

PRESEASON IS BORING TV WATCHING

 

“Whoo-hoo! Football is finally BACK! Thank God,” declared diehard NFL fan Dante Hawthorne of Woodland Falls, NJ. “Sure it’s just preseason, so what? After six months of nothing, this is awesome baby!”

 

Added Hawthorne, just 12 minutes later, “Goddamn, this game is boring. What else is on?”

 

“After halftime, I barely recognized a single name out there,” said Brockport NY Bills fan Elena Monahan, while watching A Buffalo player named Thad Lewis complete an 8-yard pass to a WR allegedly named Tori Gurley.  “God, we have to sit through four more weeks of this shit? It’s so dull.”

 

The Hall of Fame game traditionally features first-string players for just a single drive or two, followed by a nearly full game played by second, third, and occasionally even fourth string backups.

 

“These guys are all going to be cut by the time the season starts,” observed Bills fan Robert Thurmond during the fourth quarter. “Nobody cares who wins or loses. Even the coaches look bored. Why the hell am I still watching this crappy game?”

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46 Comments

  1. Worlds biggest fan of the word Moist

    August 6, 2014 at 5:02 am

    This article makes me moist

  2. Sam Bradford

    August 4, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    Oh kind of like what I said to my sister after she had her baby “He may be a deformed baby but he’s our deformed baby”.

  3. Jim in NYC

    August 4, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    I don’t get the preseason hate. As my aunt said after she gave birth to my cousin, “When you’re having your first drink in ten months, it don’t matter that it ain’t champagne!”

  4. Guy Who Whispers "Ben"

    August 4, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    *whispers* penis

  5. Girl who whispers "vagina"

    August 4, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    *whispers* vagina

  6. Aaron Peterson

    August 4, 2014 at 11:58 am

    It’s not a matter of if the games are good or not. Preseason Games could be awesome, or Tony Romo, but they’re still meaningless.

  7. Guy who is confused about what PFM is

    August 4, 2014 at 10:35 am

    I thought it was a good game, and both teams did well for only having like 2 weeks of camp.

  8. Oracle

    August 4, 2014 at 8:54 am

    ^You mean sad right? Clearly someone is so lonely they have to have a conversation with themself instead of letting someone else come in and respond

  9. Anonymous

    August 4, 2014 at 7:56 am

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ALL OF THESE COMMENTS ARE BY THE SAME PERSON CHANGING THE DISPLAY NAME

  10. Jim H.

    August 4, 2014 at 12:43 am

    Wah! 49ers undefeated! I’m not a whiner I’m a 49er! Wah!

  11. Aaron Peterson

    August 4, 2014 at 12:07 am

    So? Aaron Rodgers has a 99 rating. Even Sam Bradford only has a 90.

  12. Josh McCown

    August 4, 2014 at 12:06 am

    Someone hates it when I do this apparently so Hash tag suck my dick whoever you are.

  13. ...

    August 3, 2014 at 11:25 pm

    Im not usually one to hate on the QB comments but this wuz painfully stupid ^^^^^^^^

  14. Ethan Albright???

    August 3, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    AND JOHN MADDEN HAS A 98 RATING IN BALL-LICKING

  15. Gary Hawkins, Landscaper Who Is Not Gary Hogeboom

    August 3, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    AND I’M NOT GARY HOGEBOOM

  16. Riley Cooper disguised as Ben Roethlisberger

    August 3, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY NOT RILEY COOPER

  17. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 3, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE RILEY COOPER’S LAST NAME IS COOPER MANNING’S FIRST NAME

  18. Archie Manning

    August 3, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Not funny, Cooper.

  19. Riley Cooper disguised as Cooper Manning

    August 3, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    WAIT, WRONG MANNING.

  20. Riley Cooper disguised as Peyton Manning

    August 3, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    LOOK AT ME, I SUCK!

  21. Riley Cooper disguised as Sheldon Cooper

    August 3, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    Bazinga.

  22. Riley Cooper in blackface

    August 3, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    I thought nhoffers didn’t bother with the rhino-fucking.

  23. Matt Barkley

    August 3, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Get it straight, Ben. It’s baby rhinos that I like to fuck, not goats. At least according to Brady.

  24. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 3, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    BECAUSE HE THINKS GOATSE IS STILL FUNNY. MATT BARKLEY PREFERS IT WITHOUT THE “E”. BAAAAAAA.

  25. Kirk (The Goatse Guy)

    August 3, 2014 at 10:00 pm

    Excuse me, I’m dead, why are you making jokes about me?

  26. Sam Bradford

    August 3, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    You never learn, do you? You’re like the Goatse guy masturbating while watching two centenarians 69 each other in a lake. In Toledo.

  27. Michael Vick

    August 3, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    If you need help with ties, I can tie you to – wait, that’s three, I better get back to my dogfighting ring before Bradford defacates on it.

  28. Donovan McNabb

    August 3, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    I didn’t know a “tie” existed until 2008. I can’t help you with this one, Rodgers.

  29. Aaron Rodgers

    August 3, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    RIVERS, I WILL TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND – wait, Wilson’s already tied to it.

  30. Philip Rivers

    August 3, 2014 at 9:53 pm

    Michael Sam? Third gay player in the NFL after Aaron Rodgers and HaHa Clinton-Dix?

  31. Michael Sam

    August 3, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    I wasn’t in the NFL in 2012…

  32. Lance Easley

    August 3, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE *touchdown* I’D NEVER LET A GAY MAN WIN A FOOTBALL GAME

  33. BIG STUPID LOSER

    August 3, 2014 at 9:48 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE PEYTON HACKED MY ACCOUNT AGAIN

  34. Curtis Painter

    August 3, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I PLAYED IN THE GAME, AND ALSO BECAUSE I’M NOT CRISTAN PLUNKER

  35. The Conspiracy Nut Who Interrupted Malcolm Smith's Speech

    August 3, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE TRIX AREN’T REALLY FOR KIDS

  36. Gary Hawkins, Landscaper Who Is Not Gary Hogeboom

    August 3, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I’M A LANDSCAPER

  37. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 3, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU ALL STOLE MY JOKE

  38. Manny Ramirez

    August 3, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE *snaps ball* I’M THE SEAHAWKS’ TWELFTH MAN

  39. Al Davis's Corpse

    August 3, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    it’s funny because these jokes are as dead as i am

  40. Chargers Defense

    August 3, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE WE JUMP OFFSIDE *jumps offside*

  41. Ethan Albright???

    August 3, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I’M A REDHEAD

  42. Ken Roethlisberger

    August 3, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE MY SON SUCKS AT FOOTBALL.

  43. Aaron Peterson

    August 3, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Wow. Roethlisberger isn’t doing his job of explaining the joke? I GUESS THAT MEANS HIS FACEBOOK CAREER IS NOW ON THE SAME LEVEL AS HIS FOOTBALL CAREER.

  44. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 3, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BUT IM NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN WHY!

  45. Said No One Ever

    August 3, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    Yep! I sure love the Preseason! We need another week or two of it!

  46. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    August 3, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    *whispers* penis

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