Amanda Bynes Signs Three-Year Deal With Lions
Drug-abusing, oft-arrested actress called "a perfect fit" for Detroit
DETROIT- After a number of recent run-ins with the law as well as several displays of antisocial and irrational behavior on social media, troubled actress Amanda Bynes signed a three-year deal with the Detroit Lions early this morning that analysts have dubbed “an obviously perfect fit.”
“We’re very excited to welcome Amanda to our Detroit Lions family,” said head coach Jim Schwartz. “We’re not altogether sure what position she’s going to play, or whether she’s ever seen a game of football in her life, but we have plenty of time to work those minor details out. The important thing is that something about this young woman just screams, ‘Detroit Lion,’ and we’re couldn’t be happier to have her.”
“Talk about a match made in heaven,” said ESPN’s Kevin Seifert. “She has a history of vehicular assault, so Ndamukong Suh will have plenty to talk about with her. She’s been busted for drug use, which means she’ll fit right in with Nick Fairley and Mikel Leshoure. And her bizarre tweets indicate that she’s clearly losing her grip on reality, which means she can fill that ‘batshit crazy’ hole they’ve had ever since they released Titus Young.”
Bynes, 27, is currently facing charges in New York for reckless endangerment, tampering with evidence, and possession of marijuana stemming from a May 23rd incident at her Manhattan apartment. But Schwartz seemed unconcerned by the former child star’s legal issues.
“Look, you can’t swing a used bong in our locker room without hitting a player who’s awaiting some sort of criminal trial,” Schwartz said. “If I limited this team to just the non-felons, we’d be down to Megatron and a couple of special teams backups.”
While Bynes’ lack of experience and gender have caused some to question the signing, at least one former Lion executive is fully behind the move.
“I think she’s a fantastic addition,” said former GM Matt Millen. “The Lions got a real steal with this kid. I think they should definitely make her a WR. Can’t have too many of them, you know.”