ALTERNATE UNIVERSE UPDATE: Ryan Leaf, Chargers Favored To Win Super Bowl Yet Again; Peyton Manning Laid Off From Tire Shop.
Ryan Leaf, the perennial pro bowler and three-time league MVP has his San Diego Chargers geared up to enter the 2012 season, as they defend their fourth Super Bowl championship of the past decade.
“Ryan’s just been fantastic, a true professional as always,” said head coach June Jones, entering his 15th season with the team. “He’s got the guys working out and practicing harder then ever. His leadership, his determination, it’s what powers this franchise. I don’t know where’d I be today if he hadn’t worked out as well as he did when we drafted him back in ’98.”
Meanwhile, in a footnote to that 1998 draft, Peyton Manning, the mostly forgotten first overall pick of the Indianapolis Colts, was laid off from his job at Patchy’s Tire Depot in rural Denham Springs Louisiana, after being written up a fifth time for showing up to work late and intoxicated.
“It’s total bullshit,” Manning said, while waiting on line to file unemployment paperwork. “My boss was a Nazi dickhead. Just like those a-holes at Indy when I went there. All the practice, all the meetings, watching all that fucking film. Man, screw that. “
San Diego’s continued dominance over the rest of the AFC has caused ripple effects throughout the conference. Teams like the Patriots and Steelers, who have found themselves routinely thrashed by Leaf and the Chargers again and again, have been forced to shuttle though numerous head coaches in failed attempts to derail the San Diego dynasty.
“Yeah New England had that one guy, Ballachort, or something, who came in right around the same time Leaf did,” said one unnamed AFC General Manager. “But after The Chargers whipped the Pats in all those games, what choice did they have but to can him? I don’t think the Patriots will ever win a Super Bowl at this rate. Not while Lightning Leaf’s still around, anyway.”
Though it seems shocking to us today, many still recall that it was Manning, not Leaf, who was drafted first overall in that fateful 1998 draft. Labeled as one of the biggest busts in league history, Manning compiled a 3-29 record in two forgettable season with the Colts, that were marked by poor performances in which the former Tennessee Volunteer looked ill-prepared and woefully outmatched.
“Don’t blame me, blame the coaches,” Manning maintained. “They’re the ones who always called plays where I’m supposed to take a seven step drop against a DB blitz. And they’re all, ‘well, you’ve got to audible out of those.’ Man, they didn’t pay me to be a play caller. That’s their job. I ain’t audibilizing shit.”
Manning claims his short stint in the league opened his eyes to his true calling. “Everything happens for a reason, right? I have a brother, Eli, and once I realized how crappy life in the NFL was. I told him, ‘man, give up this football bullshit. It’s a one way ticket to nowhere.’ Now that I got laid off, me and him are gonna start our own business. Lawn service maybe, or dry walling.”
The Chargers, meanwhile, are prepared to ride their future hall of fame signal caller as far as he can take them.
“Yeah man, four Super Bowls is nice, but with number sixteen still playing at the top level like he is, I think he’s gonna get us another two or three before he’s done,” said Ladanlian Tomlinson, the Chargers’ tailback for the past decade. “I thank God everyday that He allowed me play Robin to Leaf’s Batman. I don’t even wanna think what would’ve happened if Ryan hadn’t been here. It’s possible we might not have gone to any Super Bowls at all, if you can imagine that.”