Alternate Universe Update: “Eh, It’s Only Money,” Says Dan Snyder

"Easy Come, Easy Go, Right?" Says Philanthropic Owner

Updated: August 23, 2013

ASHBURN, VA – Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, renown throughout the sporting world as enormously generous, charitable, and seemingly unconcerned over profit margins, described his unusually carefree attitude toward revenue by saying, “Eh, it’s only money. Life’s too short to dwell on every little nickel and dime, you know?”


“I’ve never been one to worry very much about cash,” continued Snyder, as he personally sealed hundreds of envelopes containing free gameday tickets to be mailed to local orphans. “My philosophy has always been, ‘money isn’t everything.'”


“Sure, I suppose there could be some alternate universe version of me out there somewhere,” mused the charitable owner. “Some Bizarro-world Dan Snyder who obsesses endlessly over his company’s bottom line by shortchanging employees and squeezing fans for every dollar he canBoy, I don’t want to think about the awful things that ‘greedy’ version of me might do. Price gauge the team’s loyal supporters I guess. Or maybe even sue them.


“Heck, if I was evil like that, I might even pull a sleazy trick like trying to profit off a national tragedy,” continued Snyder. “Thankfully, money-grubbing stunts like that just aren’t in my nature.”


Snyder went on to say that things he values the most, like integrity, pride, and customer satisfaction, are qualities upon which you cannot put a price tag.


“At the end of the day, knowing that I’m doing the right thing is more important to me than any amount of money in the bank,” concluded Snyder. “That’s why I’m proud to announce that our franchise will soon be rechristened, ‘The Washington Warriors.’ It’s horrifying to me to think about all the years we’ve been offending proud native Americans with the clearly racist, ‘Redskins’ moniker. And if there’s anything I hate more than greed, it’s offending native Americans.”

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