Alternate Universe: Tim Tebow Having Trouble Choosing Between All The Teams Courting Him

Updated: May 9, 2013

NEW YORK –  Free agent QB Tim Tebow is having difficulty choosing between the large number of contract offers that have been pouring in ever since the former Jet was released two weeks ago, alternate universe sources confirmed earlier today.

Tim Tebow Wearing Nice Suit


“I feel like the belle of the ball right now,” smiled Tebow, as he sifted through a pile of contract proposals. “It’s nice to be so wanted like this. But I feel bad that once I choose one team, I’ll be breaking the hearts of twenty or twenty five other franchises.”


The former Heisman Trophy winner claims that his cellphone has barely stopped ringing the past two weeks, as coaches, players, and general managers from around the league have been incessantly pleading with him to join their franchise.


“Look at this one,” Tebow said, holding up an offer sheet bearing a Broncos logo. “John Elway gave me this, and begged me to come back to Denver. He kept sobbing that they made a huge mistake in trading me. Understand, he didn’t fax this to me. He flew to New York to hand deliver it to my door personally. Look, you can still see the tear marks on it.”


“And here’s another one from Jacksonville. Their owner, Shahid Khan keeps telling reporters that he will do anything to sign me. It’s very flattering, even if it’s also kind of desperate.”


The outpouring of offers has made Tebow feel enormously vindicated, and not at all like a sad, broken husk of an athlete whose glory days are already behind him, according to the sources from the alternate dimension.


“Who am I going to pick? Gosh, I don’t know,” said a still-grinning Tebow. “Everyone just seems to want me so much. Robert Kraft is offering me part ownership in the Patriots if I agree to replace Tom Brady. The Saints want to give me double Drew Brees’ salary to join them. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I just know it feels good to be wanted.”

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment Login