ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Skins’ Albert Haynesworth Wins Yet Another Defensive MVP

"The Guy's Got A Motor That Never Stops," Raves Teammates

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Updated: January 3, 2014

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After yet another season’s worth of thoroughly dominating line play, Redskins superstar Albert Haynesworth extended his NFL record by winning a fourth straight NFL Defensive MVP award, the Associated Press announced early this morning.

Albert Haynesworth Washington Redskins

 

“I am truly humbled to receive another of these very special awards, and I extend my deepest gratitude to all the members of the AP voting panel who made this achievement possible,” said the six-time Pro Bowler, displaying the class and dignity for which he has always been known. “Thank you, one and all, for this magnificent honor.”

 

Haynesworth, 32, has led the league in sacks three of the past four seasons, and thanks mostly to his efforts, the Redskins have finished in the top three of total defense every year since his arrival while winning back-to-back Super Bowl titles.

 

“He’s been worth every penny,” gushed Redskins owner Dan Snyder, referring to the massive seven-year, $100 million free agent contract signed by Haynesworth in 2009 after leaving the Tennessee Titans for D.C. “At the time, some people thought we were foolish for giving such a huge deal to Albert. Well, he’s certainly proven all his doubters wrong. Considering the enormously positive impact he’s had on our team, I’d say we got a bargain.”

 

“The guy’s got a motor that just never stops running,” added teammate Ryan Kerrigan. “He’s the hardest worker on our team, a notorious fitness freak, and a true perfectionist in every way. Believe me, the guys on our defense know not to ever, ever slow down or quit on any play, or else they’ll have to answer to Albert.”

Washington Redskins v  New York Jets

 

“That’s the  only way I know how to play football. 100%, every snap, every game,” said Haynesworth. “I can’t imagine anything worse than being one of those guys who signs a big money deal, then gets complacent and lets the rest of his team down. Those types of players make me sick, frankly.”

 

“What’s so impressive about Albert Haynesworth isn’t just his performance, which of course is phenomenal. But it’s also the wonderful quality of his character,” said former Dallas Cowboy Andre Gurode, who matched up against Haynesworth on multiple occasions over the course of his career. “Believe me, when you play against Albert, his gentlemanly manners and good sportsmanship just hit you like, I don’t know, a cleat being dragged across your face or something.”

 

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9 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    January 6, 2014 at 1:48 am

    Ohhh if only this were true…

  2. Anonymous

    January 4, 2014 at 10:30 am

    ^Because you see nobody likes a copycat.

  3. Anonymous

    January 3, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    You people using the Ben Roethlisberger joke should at least make your name “Ben Roethlisberger” Leave the funny to PFM and stop posting.

  4. BEN FROM PITTSBURGH

    January 3, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE HE ONCE STEPPED ON ANDRE GURODES FACE.

  5. Rex R.

    January 3, 2014 at 9:30 am

    I completely disagree. Vernon Gholston should have gotten the nod. I mean, 20 sacks and 10 interceptions? Who does that kind of stuff?

  6. alexgiobbi

    January 3, 2014 at 9:05 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE HE’S A LAZY BUM IN REAL LIFE!

  7. Anonymous

    January 3, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Don’t forget that he donated 2/3s of his salary to starving children in the D.C area and around the globe.

  8. bobman2

    January 3, 2014 at 2:49 am

    Why didn’t a guy like this win the Walter Payton Man of the Year award? After founding that children’s cancer care hospice, his tireless hours of volunteer time at the soup kitchen, and then donating a kidney to a total stranger, well, who could have impacted the community in a more positive way?

  9. Anonymous

    January 3, 2014 at 2:29 am

    That part at the end was so terrible! Hahahahaha!

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