ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Kurt Warner Celebrates 18th Straight Year Bagging Groceries At Supermarket

Updated: December 20, 2013

Kurt Warner, 41, celebrated his 18th straight year of employment at the Hy-Vee Supermarket in Cedar Falls, IA this weekend, alternate universe sources confirmed today.

With his veteran instincts, Warner always knows just when to call an audible from paper to plastic

With his veteran instincts, Warner always knows just when to call an audible from paper to plastic


“It’s really been an honor to spend nearly two decades here with my wonderful Hy-Vee family,” said Warner, as he prepared for his 3-11 pm shift. “I can’t imagine doing anything else these past eighteen years that would have been better.”


Warner, whose career statistics include seven “Employee of the Month” awards as well as three “Best Smile” commendations by the regional office, at one time actually considered a career in professional football.


“Believe it or not, I played quarterback in the old Arena League,” Warner said, while restocking a display of Van Camp’s Pork and Beans, which were on sale for fifty cents a can. “And I actually spent time in the Green Bay Packers training camp once. I met Brett Favre and everything! But I got cut before the season began, and that was the end of football for me.”


“I did get a phone call once from Dick Vermeil in 1998,” continued the veteran stockboy. “He wanted to know if I would sign with the Rams as a backup to Trent Green. But I told him that I was too happy here at Hy-Vee to return to the NFL. Interestingly enough, Trent got injured the next year and missed the whole season. Remember? They ended up that year with a 1-15 record. I sometimes wonder how the Rams might have done if I’d signed that contract.”


With backup Joe Germaine at QB, the Rams struggled through the 1999 season, and never recovered even after Green returned from injury. Local fans quickly lost interest in the perpetual losers, and the Rams relocated back to the Los Angeles area in 2005, where they continue to play before half-empty crowds at the Pasadena Rose Bowl.


Warner, meanwhile, has never looked back at his decision to remain a grocery store employee.


“No, I don’t regret anything,” he said, wiping his hands on his apron. “What’s the best that could have happened? I play a few years with the Rams, maybe bounce around a little to, I don’t know, the Giants or the Cardinals maybe. But where would it have ended up? Super Bowls? MVP awards?  Yeah right. Could you imagine going from a supermarket to the Super Bowl? Boy, that would be the day, huh?

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