ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Jerry Jones Refuses To Answer Reporters’ Questions. “I Let My Football Guys Handle That Stuff”
Jerry Jones, the notoriously media-shy Dallas Cowboys owner, once again refused to answer reporters’ questions concerning his teams’ struggles, stating, “Sorry guys, I prefer to let my football guys handle those questions. As the owner, my job is simply to sign the checks and keep my mouth shut.”
The Cowboys, currently a disappointing 3-5 on the season, have been criticized for poor clock management, predictable play calling, and sloppy play overall. But Jones refuses to take part in any discussion of the teams’ situation.
“Look, we have a staff of coaches, scouts, assistants, and trainers to handle the football operations of the Dallas Cowboys,” said Jones to the insistent reporters demanding a quote from the owner. “The last thing they need is to hear their boss constantly running his mouth on television, undermining their authority. That’s not a formula for success. So forget it guys, you’re not going to get me to say anything. I’m not the mouthpiece for this team, nor should I be.”
Jones did field one question concerning the possibility of him ever naming himself the team’ General Manager of Football Operations.
“Oh gracious, no,” Jones stated emphatically. “Me? As the GM? Heaven forbid. Being a general manager of an NFL team is a highly complex, skilled position that very few people can do well. I may know the oil business, but I’m grossly underqualified to make football personal decisions. If you recall, Jimmy Johnson and his staff made all the draft and free agency decisions during his time here, and we all know how well that turned out.”
“So no, you’ll NEVER see me attempt to manage our football team,” Jones concluded before retreating back to the obscurity he prefers. “I’d have to be some kind of megalomanical fool to try something like that.”