Alternate Universe: Ben Roethlisberger Wins Nobel Prize For Physics

Updated: October 11, 2013

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN – Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger arrived in Stockholm early this morning to accept the 2013 Nobel Prize in Physics from the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, European news sources confirmed today.

Roethlisberger: "By calculating the rate of subatomic events with a standard dilepton invariant mass, we can prove conclusively that the most powerful single force known to mankind is my cock."

Roethlisberger: “By calculating the rate of subatomic events with a standard dilepton invariant mass, we can prove conclusively that the heaviest, most powerful force known to mankind are my balls.”


“Your Royal Highnesses, Ladies and Gentlemen,” said the two time Super Bowl champion in his acceptance speech. “As I humbly accept this most prestigious honor from your famed organization, I am reminded of Alfred Nobel’s insistence upon the international character of science. The contributions that I may have had the good fortune to make to the development of physical science consist in a combination of the results arrived at by a number of fellow-investigators, belonging to a variety of nations, on the basis of study carried on under widely differing scientific traditions.”


Roethlisberger, of course, is known around the globe even more for his work in solid-state fusion physics than he is for his performances on a football field. Despite a disappointing 0-5 start to his Steelers 2013 season, the two-time pro bowler has enjoyed much acclaim this year for his proposed hypothesis revolving around what he refers to as the “capture–acceleration scenario” which posits that an electron can be accelerated by a tightly focused laser in a vacuum.


“In the capture–acceleration scenario, diffraction from a light beam which has been tightly focused can change not only the intensity distribution of the laser but also its phase distribution, which results in the field phase velocity being lower than the speed of light in a vacuum in some areas,” Roethlisberger explained.


When met with confused stares from reporters, the genius quarterback chuckled and said, “In layman’s terms, it means that we can create a channel that overlaps features of both strong longitudinal electric field and low–laser-phase velocity, and electrons can receive energy gain from the laser.”


“That American foot-ball fellow truly has a staggering intellect,” raved Elizabeth H. Blackburn, the 2009 Nobel Laureate for Physiology. “His work with plasma fusion and vacuum laser acceleration has advanced the field of solid-state physics immeasurably. But I do regret accepting his invitation to join him in the Academy’s men’s room after the ceremony. He kept trying to force me to create some ‘rapid particle-friction,’ with him, if you know what I mean.”

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