New TV Series “The NFL Bachelorette” Features Woman Choosing Husband From 30 NFL Head Coaches
The ABC Television Network announced a new version of its popular reality series, “The Bachelorette” would premiere this month, featuring one unmarried woman choosing from a field of thirty NFL head coaches to find her one true love.
“Honestly, this isn’t quite what I expected,” said Malibu CA’s Emily Brooke, this season’s female contestant. “On the previous versions of this show that I’ve seen, the eligible bachelors are, like, handsome underwear models and buff guys like that. When I signed up for the show, I wasn’t expecting to be choosing from the likes of Andy Reid and Tom Coughlin.”
Added Brooke, “Ew.”
Hoping to cash in on the NFL’s immense popularity, the show will feature Brooke participating in a series of “dates” with various coaches, each week whittling the field down until just one coach remains, at which point the two will be married in a moonlight ceremony officiated by popular NFL referee Ed Hochuli, who happens to be an ordained minister in the Universal Church of The Seven Reps.
“The producers forced me to go for a long walk on the beach with Jeff Fisher, which was really awkward,” complained Brooke. “Then I had to share a candlelit dinner with Mike Shanahan, who just talked about some stupid zone-blocking scheme all night. And later I was serenaded by a guitar playing Jim Harbaugh, who sang a song he wrote called, ‘That Was Holding.’ He swears it was about me having a hold on his heart, or something, but I have my doubts.”
Of the 32 NFL coaches, only the Patriots’ Bill Belichick and the Saints’ Sean Payton did not participate in the reality series.
“Those were the only two guys I might possibly have been interested in,” continued Brooke. “At least Sean Payton is kind of cute, by these reduced standards anyway. And Belichick might be gross looking, but he is filthy rich, thanks to all the illegal insider stock trading he does. But those two weren’t available as candidates, so now I’m stuck choosing between the likes of John Fox and Mike Tomlin.”
All the episodes of the series have already been shot, and while the cast has been sworn to secrecy about the eventual winning bachelor, sources claim that Brooke has been overheard complaining to friends about “having to relocate from the beautiful beaches of Malibu to marry a chubby old guy in some bratwurst-infested podunk town up in Wisconsin.”