New TV Series “The NFL Bachelorette” Features Woman Choosing Husband From 30 NFL Head Coaches

By
Updated: March 19, 2013

The ABC Television Network announced a new version of its popular reality series, “The Bachelorette” would premiere this month, featuring one unmarried woman choosing from a field of thirty NFL head coaches to find her one true love.

ABOVE: 30 NFL coaches, looking for love. BELOW: One sexy bachelorette, looking for an escape clause in her contract

ABOVE: 30 NFL coaches, looking for love. BELOW: One sexy bachelorette, looking for an escape clause in her contract

DISAPPOINTED BACHELORETTE thinner

“Honestly, this isn’t quite what I expected,” said Malibu CA’s Emily Brooke, this season’s female contestant. “On the previous versions of this show that I’ve seen, the eligible bachelors are, like, handsome underwear models and buff guys like that. When I signed up for the show, I wasn’t expecting to be choosing from the likes of Andy Reid and Tom Coughlin.”

 

Added Brooke, “Ew.”

 

Hoping to cash in on the NFL’s immense popularity, the show will feature Brooke participating in a series of “dates” with various coaches, each week whittling the field down until just one coach remains, at which point the two will be married in a moonlight ceremony officiated by popular NFL referee Ed Hochuli, who happens to be an ordained minister in the Universal Church of The Seven Reps.

 

“The producers forced me to go for a long walk on the beach with Jeff Fisher, which was really awkward,” complained Brooke. “Then I had to share a candlelit dinner with Mike Shanahan, who just talked about some stupid zone-blocking scheme all night. And later I was serenaded by a guitar playing Jim Harbaugh, who sang a song he wrote called, ‘That Was Holding.’ He swears it was about me having a hold on his heart, or something, but I have my doubts.”

Rex Ryan: “Hey sexy lady. I got you a diamond toe ring. And If it’s a little tight, I can always slobber on your feet a little to help it slide on.”

Rex Ryan: “Hey sexy lady. I got you a diamond toe ring. And If it’s a little tight, I can always slobber on your feet a little to help it slide on.”

 

Of the 32 NFL coaches, only the Patriots’ Bill Belichick and the Saints’ Sean Payton did not participate in the reality series.

 

“Those were the only two guys I might possibly have been interested in,” continued Brooke. “At least Sean Payton is kind of cute, by these reduced standards anyway. And Belichick might be gross looking, but he is filthy rich, thanks to all the illegal insider stock trading he does. But those two weren’t available as candidates, so now I’m stuck choosing between the likes of John Fox and Mike Tomlin.”

 

All the episodes of the series have already been shot, and while the cast has been sworn to secrecy about the eventual winning bachelor, sources claim that Brooke has been overheard complaining to friends about “having to relocate from the beautiful beaches of Malibu to marry a chubby old guy in some bratwurst-infested podunk town up in Wisconsin.”

 

2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Daybreak Doppler: Expectations for Marquette Tomorrow | PocketDoppler.com

  2. Anonymous

    December 20, 2013 at 10:05 am

    OMG, I ALMOST DIED AT HE HARBAUGH PART! It would’ve been perfect without the heart part, but still absolutely gut busting

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>