43 Year Old Man With Three Fantasy Football Teams Somehow Not Reevaluating Life Choices
Brad Reavy, 43 of Kanbrub, CA, has spent over 75% of his waking hours during the past month preparing for, conducting, and reviewing the three different fantasy football drafts he partakes in during each NFL preseason, without once stopping to reevaluate the life choices he’s made to get him to such a miserable point of human existence.
“The thing that people forget about Matt Stafford is that he’s only played one complete season in the NFL,” said Reavy to a teenage coworker at a local Carl’s Jr. restaurant, while not once mentioning the fact that he dropped out of community college a mere six credits shy of his AA degree. “Stafford’s only going to be better this season. He was an absolute steal for me in round three,” the middle aged Reavy explained to the boy, who nodded politely while dropping a basket of criss-cut potatoes into the deep fryer.
Never married and childless, Reavy is estimated to have spent over $6,500 in his lifetime on various fantasy football magazines, customized player ranking websites, computer programs, and Direct TV satellite subscriptions, enough money to have paid for a technical degree at any number of vocational training centers, all in order to create the meticulous Microsoft Excel cheat sheets he carries proudly into each of his drafts, seemingly unaware of the sad image he presents.
“Well, you’ve got to have a strategy,” Reavy explained to his neighbor Edward, while failing to mention shamefully that he still lives in the same studio apartment he’s had since he was twenty-two years old. “I mean, any dummy can draft superstars in the first three rounds. The skill comes in finding those hidden gems in rounds 10-15. That’s where I work my magic.”
“Just look at this roster I mock-drafted last night,” Reavy later boasted to one of the bartenders at Playoffs, a local sports pub where he sits and watches various televised athletic competitions on a nightly basis while other men his age are home spending time with their loved ones. “I loaded up on wide receivers in the middle rounds, because I knew some quality tight ends were going to fall down past the 7th, and sure enough, there was Jermichael Finley sitting there for me in the 8th.” Witnesses reported he then took a large bite of his half pound western cheddar burger topped with bacon and onion rings, and continued to rave over his make-believe football franchise, while not once pausing to acknowledge the severe hypertension, elevated blood pressure, and dangerously high cholestoral levels from which he suffers due to his wretched eating habits.
“I won the title in two of my three leagues last season, and this year I’m going for a clean sweep,” Reavy concluded, while paying for his meal with the last remaining credit card in his wallet that wasn’t drastically over its spending limit. “Yes sir, it’s good to be the king.”
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